Greetings one and all. This is the NERD editor here, with a fanfic that will hopefully give some of you some entertainment. The Issues here were originally written some time ago as a fanfic for a few people in Neocron, but as I tend to parodise them just as much as the enemies (and yes, System Shock has earned the right to be that enemy) in the story, I thought I'd try my luck here.
If anyone feels like they would like to be parodised in the story in the future, feel free to contact me. If anyone feels I've severely caused their reputation harm then they can also ask me to stop. The story relates to characters and clans on Pluto server.
With that said, here goes....
NERD Issue # 001
SODOM & ASS
"This sux. We're constantly getting attacked by these assholes in System Shock. Why can't they just leave Tech Haven alone." said Mako Tanaka. The well known member of The Parish had long looked for peaceful times in Tech Haven, but alas, none could be found. Whenever she sat down with fellow Parish members for a cup of synthesized Earl Grey tea and a morning meditation session, it would be interrupted by the sound of a Parish member exploding into small fragged bits as System Shock came calling.
"Hey there bitches. You walked near our Ops today, time to die..." would be the comments from System Shock members (loosely translated from the German one usually heard). The Parish would stand no match against yet another quick strike attack in the supposedly protected halls of Tech Haven. Of course, The Parish would be just one of a growing number of clans to feel the sting of System Shock's early morning assaults. A few Blue Tech members, quietly building and researching, or delivering a package across a table for a hefty fee would be set upon by 4 overly armed GenTanks with death in their eye, murder in their hearts and a little indigestion in their guts, causing the fire up their ass.
The senseless slaughter would carry on for far too long, with System Shock seemingly thinking that this actually accomplished something. Eventually, brave souls from La Cosa Nostra, who were just visiting friends in Tech Haven would lay down fire and 'encourage' System Shock to go away. Beaten and bloody, Blue Tech and Parish members alike would throw sticks or whatever they could in order to repell the seemingly invincible force.
"You ok?" Thanatos of La Cosa Nostra would ask.
"We'll live.... now." would be the reply.
Disheartened, dejected, and running low on Milky Rens, a stoic leader would feel the pain of his troops and despair... then he'd light up a spliff and feel better.
"Ahhh, good stuff." Said ReefSmoker. Nearby, Master Yoda would start coughing convulsively.
"So, had any thoughts, Reef?" Byron asked.
"Yeah, I think Crono stole my Milky Ren's."
"ABOUT SYSTEM SHOCK."
"Oh right, well lets see..... who are they again?"
Some 2 hours of painful war stories later, Commander Byron would remind ReefSmoker of the full story of System Shocks terrorism of Blue Tech.
"Ah yes, them. Nope, can't think of a thing to do." Byron crashes through a nearby table, anime style.
A blast of the siren would then indicate visitors from New Earth Order had arrived.
"Deo, Jonavan, welcome, come on in. I'd offer you a Milky Ren, but Crono seems to have stolen them all." Reef said.
"I DID NOT" Came a yell over the clan intercom. Reef promptly turned it off and hid the empty Milky Ren wrappers.
"We didn't come for candy. The war grows worse. The powers of System Shock grow strong."
"Yeeesss," a croaky, green little puppet in the corner starts speaking, "grown strong in the powers of the darkside, they have. Much fear I sense in you, much fear...."
"Does he ever stop doing Yoda impressions?" Deo asked.
"Not often." Byron shook his head.
"Quote Yoda, we must...." Master Yoda continued to prattle on to himself.
"Anyway...." Jonavan ignored Yoda.
"I've got it!!!" Ithaqua ran in with a bold new idea.
"What is it Ithy?"
"We should shoot back." Gasps all round were heard.
"Such an ingenius plan. How did you come up with it?" Diesel asked from near the cabinets.
"Divine inspiration?" Deo asked.
"A moment of clarity?" Yoda asked.
"No," Ithy responded, "I read the manual" (More falling over anime-style), "see, it say's here. Runners can shoot at each other and engage in Player vs Player killing."
"Woah, my mind has been opened." Prissy exclaimed.
"So it is true then, Reading the F'ing manual actually works."
With this bold new strategy in mind, the runners of NEO, Blue Tech, La Cosa Nostra, The Parish and Insidious Wolf, got together to devise a plan. After Sid was ejected from the meeting they came up with a plan.
The next day, all four clans were dissolved and a new clan was formed joining all of them together.
Gully Foyle walked through Tech Haven, only to be stopped by DX-Defender of Technocracy.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm an ASS." Gully responded.
"A what?"
"An ASS. See? Clan ASS: Against System Shock."
"oh....." DX-Defender walks away very quickly.
"Wonder whats wrong with him."
"That's right people," Reef had begun the first meeting of all ASS personel, "We are ASS and we will work towards our ASSES (Annihilation of System Shock's Eastgate & Soliko, duh).
Cheers from those present are heard.
In the coming weeks, ASS sits on System Shock with force. Operation Total ASSES (see above) goes off with great success.
But then, the worst happens... System Shock merges with Malevolent Crackheads and Unnamed Killers. Where once there were 3 clans of idiots, now there is one mighty clan. SODOM. Though the anagram is in German, roughly translated, analysts in ASS have determined it means Stupid Oafs Dedicated to Organised Malevolence. The true title may be a little lost in the translation.
SODOM attempts to penetrate ASS on many fronts, but thanks to strong protection, ASS maintains its integrity.
How will this war turn out? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for the next exciting instalment of NERD (Neocron Edition of Readers Digest, don't you know anything?).
Nerd
