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  1. #1
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    Default Nerd

    Opening Statement:

    Greetings one and all. This is the NERD editor here, with a fanfic that will hopefully give some of you some entertainment. The Issues here were originally written some time ago as a fanfic for a few people in Neocron, but as I tend to parodise them just as much as the enemies (and yes, System Shock has earned the right to be that enemy) in the story, I thought I'd try my luck here.

    If anyone feels like they would like to be parodised in the story in the future, feel free to contact me. If anyone feels I've severely caused their reputation harm then they can also ask me to stop. The story relates to characters and clans on Pluto server.

    With that said, here goes....

    NERD Issue # 001


    "This sux. We're constantly getting attacked by these assholes in System Shock. Why can't they just leave Tech Haven alone." said Mako Tanaka. The well known member of The Parish had long looked for peaceful times in Tech Haven, but alas, none could be found. Whenever she sat down with fellow Parish members for a cup of synthesized Earl Grey tea and a morning meditation session, it would be interrupted by the sound of a Parish member exploding into small fragged bits as System Shock came calling.

    "Hey there bitches. You walked near our Ops today, time to die..." would be the comments from System Shock members (loosely translated from the German one usually heard). The Parish would stand no match against yet another quick strike attack in the supposedly protected halls of Tech Haven. Of course, The Parish would be just one of a growing number of clans to feel the sting of System Shock's early morning assaults. A few Blue Tech members, quietly building and researching, or delivering a package across a table for a hefty fee would be set upon by 4 overly armed GenTanks with death in their eye, murder in their hearts and a little indigestion in their guts, causing the fire up their ass.

    The senseless slaughter would carry on for far too long, with System Shock seemingly thinking that this actually accomplished something. Eventually, brave souls from La Cosa Nostra, who were just visiting friends in Tech Haven would lay down fire and 'encourage' System Shock to go away. Beaten and bloody, Blue Tech and Parish members alike would throw sticks or whatever they could in order to repell the seemingly invincible force.

    "You ok?" Thanatos of La Cosa Nostra would ask.
    "We'll live.... now." would be the reply.

    Disheartened, dejected, and running low on Milky Rens, a stoic leader would feel the pain of his troops and despair... then he'd light up a spliff and feel better.

    "Ahhh, good stuff." Said ReefSmoker. Nearby, Master Yoda would start coughing convulsively.
    "So, had any thoughts, Reef?" Byron asked.
    "Yeah, I think Crono stole my Milky Ren's."
    "Oh right, well lets see..... who are they again?"
    Some 2 hours of painful war stories later, Commander Byron would remind ReefSmoker of the full story of System Shocks terrorism of Blue Tech.
    "Ah yes, them. Nope, can't think of a thing to do." Byron crashes through a nearby table, anime style.

    A blast of the siren would then indicate visitors from New Earth Order had arrived.
    "Deo, Jonavan, welcome, come on in. I'd offer you a Milky Ren, but Crono seems to have stolen them all." Reef said.
    "I DID NOT" Came a yell over the clan intercom. Reef promptly turned it off and hid the empty Milky Ren wrappers.
    "We didn't come for candy. The war grows worse. The powers of System Shock grow strong."
    "Yeeesss," a croaky, green little puppet in the corner starts speaking, "grown strong in the powers of the darkside, they have. Much fear I sense in you, much fear...."
    "Does he ever stop doing Yoda impressions?" Deo asked.
    "Not often." Byron shook his head.
    "Quote Yoda, we must...." Master Yoda continued to prattle on to himself.
    "Anyway...." Jonavan ignored Yoda.
    "I've got it!!!" Ithaqua ran in with a bold new idea.
    "What is it Ithy?"
    "We should shoot back." Gasps all round were heard.
    "Such an ingenius plan. How did you come up with it?" Diesel asked from near the cabinets.
    "Divine inspiration?" Deo asked.
    "A moment of clarity?" Yoda asked.
    "No," Ithy responded, "I read the manual" (More falling over anime-style), "see, it say's here. Runners can shoot at each other and engage in Player vs Player killing."
    "Woah, my mind has been opened." Prissy exclaimed.
    "So it is true then, Reading the F'ing manual actually works."

    With this bold new strategy in mind, the runners of NEO, Blue Tech, La Cosa Nostra, The Parish and Insidious Wolf, got together to devise a plan. After Sid was ejected from the meeting they came up with a plan.

    The next day, all four clans were dissolved and a new clan was formed joining all of them together.

    Gully Foyle walked through Tech Haven, only to be stopped by DX-Defender of Technocracy.
    "Who are you?" he asked.
    "I'm an ASS." Gully responded.
    "A what?"
    "An ASS. See? Clan ASS: Against System Shock."
    "oh....." DX-Defender walks away very quickly.
    "Wonder whats wrong with him."

    "That's right people," Reef had begun the first meeting of all ASS personel, "We are ASS and we will work towards our ASSES (Annihilation of System Shock's Eastgate & Soliko, duh).
    Cheers from those present are heard.

    In the coming weeks, ASS sits on System Shock with force. Operation Total ASSES (see above) goes off with great success.

    But then, the worst happens... System Shock merges with Malevolent Crackheads and Unnamed Killers. Where once there were 3 clans of idiots, now there is one mighty clan. SODOM. Though the anagram is in German, roughly translated, analysts in ASS have determined it means Stupid Oafs Dedicated to Organised Malevolence. The true title may be a little lost in the translation.

    SODOM attempts to penetrate ASS on many fronts, but thanks to strong protection, ASS maintains its integrity.

    How will this war turn out? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for the next exciting instalment of NERD (Neocron Edition of Readers Digest, don't you know anything?).

  2. #2
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    Thanks for the responses guys. Currently there are 11 issues of NERD already written and a few more on the way. I'll post the next one in a little while.

  3. #3
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    Err... yes and no. Its loosely based on events I've witnessed, but then parodised for comedic effect.

    For example, System Shock did (and still does) fairly regularly attack Tech Haven and slag Blue Tech members. NEO and Blue Tech did merge.

    However the clan names are completely made up, and as the story goes on you'll find I'm simply having fun at certain peoples expense.

  4. #4
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    NERD Issue # 002.

    When NUBI's Attack

    "We will gets them, Yes we wills. Theys gonna suffer for throwings me outs of their meetingss. I are so Ub35 l33t. I Pwnz Uz allz. I iz unstoppablz withs my uber haxx. They's can'ts stops me, yes precious. Theys can'tz stopz the Sid. No's, theyz can'ts." This and more l33t speak could be heard coming from down a longdrop in H 12 where Insidious Wolf had tripped over his own ego and tumbled into. While he waited for the reset position magic to work, he gloated to himself on his devious thoughts. When ASS had been formed, Insidious Wolf, otherwise referred to as 'Sid', was there at the meeting, but was promtly thrown out. Sid stood for all that was not ASS. Sid could never have what an ASS had. He was ASSless. And it burned him to know that. He wanted revenge. And he was going to get it...

    As had been seen on so many mornings, as the sun rose over the canyon cliffs and first morning light streamed onto the plateau that was Soliko lab, little body gibblets glistened in the new days light. The war for Soliko had started some time after last nights dinner and had raged throughout the night. SODOM was on top, but ASS was coming in hard from the rear. ASS had broken past the ladder-well and now the fight was all up on the plateau, with the exception of the two guys who just started and were dueling with stiletto's at the generep below.
    "You'll never take us alive ASS svine." Shadow yelled out at his attackers.
    "We don't want you alive. We want you DEAD fool, thats the whole point." Doc Holiday sent back, along with some fusion ammo directed at Shadow's head.
    "Why you littl...." Shadow never finished that sentence. From a distance away, Master Yoda had got on his Hovertec cycle. He'd revved up and launched at the cliffs at full speed. In a spectacular stunt that would have made Pierce Brosnan's stunt double cringe, he rocketed up the vertical cliff face and came sailing over the outpost itself. Many stopped shooting to behold the amazing feat.
    "Mon Dieu!!!" exclaimed Mordor of SODOM.
    "You're German not French!" Atomium yelled back, "and your accent sux."
    Yoda was overjoyed. "Yes, after weeks of planning it worked!! I have the element of suprise. I'm gonna.... doh." And with that he sailed completely over the outpost and plummeted over the other side to his embarrasing death.
    "Hahaha, Don't you know an ASS can't fly." Amok yelled back.
    "Says who?" yelled Ithaqua as his APC came flying up the cliff and crashlanded right on top of Amok. 6 airsick ASS members piled out and joined the fight. The suprise ambush, not to mention Amok being reduced to waffles, saw the decisive victory of ASS at Soliko.
    "Hoorah, we've done it!!!" Mako Tanaka cheered.
    "Wait," Yoda having picked his parts off the rocks and pulled himself together again came up to them, "I sense a disturbance in the ...."
    "SHUT UP." Everyone yelled.
    "Okay, fine so I feel uneasy. Which sounds better?"
    "THE ONE WHERE I IS UBER AND KILLZ UZ ALL." Came an unfamiliar yell.
    "No it doesn't, that sounds like crap..." Yoda got shot in the head then.
    "DON'TS YOUZ MOCKS MY UBER LEETS SPEEKZ BIATCH." Ying, otherwise known as Insidious Wolf, the impetuous 14 year old yelled at them.
    "What does he want?" ReefSmoker asked.
    "I don't know but he brought friend." NoHope responded.
    As ASS bent over the edge to see, they saw a disturbing sight. Insidious Wolf had formed a new clan, surrounding himself with some of the worst scum to ever walk the Wastelands of Neocron.

    They were.... NUBI's.

    Neocron's Ultimate Band of Idiots (NUBI's for short) assaulted the stairwell. Short on ammo, ASS sucked it up and dropped anything they could down the shaft to stop NUBI's. The NUBI's looked like they were going to break through when the impetuous SODOM returned, looking to get back up that shaft to ASS and Soliko.

    "I IS UBER. UZ DONT'S MESS WIF ME'S. NoZ UZ Don't My Precious."
    "What's a precious?" FreeJumper asked.
    "I think he's talking to his Ego." Yoda, who had just respawned at the generep responded.
    "ARGH A FROG. KILL IT." SODOM incinerated Yoda immediately.
    "How's about you bow and SODOM will get you while you're bent over." All of ASS shuddered at that visual.

    And with that, the war of 3 clans began. SODOM & NUBI fought in the canyon floor while ASS bombarded them from above. The fighting was furious, and carried on for many hours. At one point a strange individual walked right into the middle of the fighting.
    "Can't We All Just Live In Peace??" Mandolin Procuror asked.
    "Who is that?" McDanish asked.
    "A figment of Keyser's imagination. Kill it."
    And with that all 3 clans annihilated the extra known as Mandolin for having a stupid name.

    The war looked to go on forever, until Insidious Wolf's Mommy pulled him away.
    "Excuse me all, but Ruprect dear here has to get his zit treatment taken care of now. He can come and play with you all later." Sid's Mom sent that message.
    Hysterical laughter burst out across the battlefield.
    "ROFLMAO. Sid's real name is Ruprect?? HAHAHA."
    Humiliated by their leaders gay name, the NUBI's ran away.
    "Hah, I'm laughin so hard I can't fight any more. This isn't over ASS'es. Not by a long shot." Shadow led his troops away through the generep. Exhausted, ASS slumped to the ground.

    The molocules that once were Yoda reformed at the generep and he stepped outside.
    "I am getting real friggin sick and tired of dying tod...." the two new guys that had been fighting with stiletto's slipped and both stabbed Yoda in either pointy ear.
    "Woops, soz Yoda."
    Fire burned in Yoda's eye as he returned to the generep once again....

    Tune in next week for Issue # 003 of NERD, where all your questions will be answered.
    Will Yoda turn to the darkside?
    How will Ithaqua get his APC down from Soliko?
    Did Sid's parents hate him when they gave him that name?

    Until next time.....

  5. #5
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    NERD Issue # 003

    The Power of EGOS

    "I IS GONNA ME55 UZ UPS SOZ GOODS. I ARE L33t, YEAH PRECIOUS...." Sid launched a volley of plasma fire down the corridor. The unsuspecting bystanders fled in terror, not just at the firepower, but at the fact that Sid was wearing the nasty pink shirt that all mass murderers seem to think is in style.

    NUBI's had struck the centre of Tech Haven. Tech Haven was well known as the place where ASS came to rest. NUBI & SODOM saw this as the perfect target. The two genereps in Tech Haven sector two were working overtime as NUBI's and SODOM member's flowed in.

    "We're Under Seige!!" Jonavan called out.
    "Arm yourselves and repel the invaders." Crono yelled out. He joined the other Gentanks of ASS as they charged headlong from the clans headquarters towards the firefight.

    "SODOMites, strike forward" Erazor yelled. SODOM troops advanced, laying down fire in all directions. Two shopvendors were killed in the volley and the goguardian was severey damaged. ASS troops defended the main stairwell from the balcony's, but holding SODOM and NUBI together was no easy task.
    "They're breaking through, what are we gonna do?" Crackpot asked.
    "As a former member of the Parish, I believe I should sing a hymn to calm their troubled souls." Mako Tanaka responded. With that, she began singing from her song book.
    "AARGGHHHH. I IS L33t Precious, But thiz Iz PAINFULL. We Hates SINGING. I SAYS NO SINGING. YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORATAAAA." Sid pulled out his Fusion Cannon and pointed it at the balcony's. He could not get a clear shot.
    Flyk, a new member of NUBI was rolling around on the ground.
    "The singing, make the singing stop."
    Amok of SODOM was having a far different response. Sobbing like a little girl he said,
    "I feel at peace (sniff sob), I see the error of my ways (boo hoo). I want to turn over a new leaf." Amok sat on the floor to meditate, until a stray grenade landed in his lap. When he reassembled at the generep he was not so spiritual.
    "How do you think I feel." Yoda respawned for the 15th time. "Why Me."
    "Argh a Frog Kill IT."
    "I'm not a fro...." He was dead again.

    "I think we may have them on the ropes." Reef said to Xyloz Vincetti.
    "I said I think we may have them on the ropes."
    "Huh?" Xyloz removed his earplugs. "Sorry but I can't take much of" A strange look came over Xyl's face. He suddenly looked up at the roof wide eyed and opened his mouth. "FALL ON YOUR KNEES. OH HEAR THE ANGELS VOICES....."
    "####, gimme those earplugs." Reef grabbed them before he sucame to Mako's soulcleanser attack.

    Tired of the singing and its spiritual effect on his NUBI's, Sid decided to take a darker approach. From his backpack he pulled a small chip labelled 'AimBot' and inserted it into his fusion cannon. He then aimed at the roof and fired. Like a firefly the shot soared upwards, then stopped in midair and took a zigzag path right towards Mako's head, vapourising it instantly.
    "Noooo, Mako." Thanatos cried out.
    "For the love of all things small and purple, stop talking to yourself you IDIOT." Yoda yelled from the generep behind Sid. Sid fired another shot, which went forward then did a U-Turn and struck Yoda down for the 18th time.
    "I Hate My Life....." Yoda uttered before returning to the generep.
    "Ha," Shadow of SODOM shouted, "You have no secret weapon any more ASSes. Now SODOM is coming up."

    In the white vastness of the great expanse. Beyond the cities, beyond the wastelands, beyond the Universe itself, in the white realm of nothingness, three beings of immesuarable power had bent their minds and their will towards a question that could make or break the very fabric of existence.
    "So, Chinese tonight? Or Thai?" MoonUnit asked.
    "I was thinking Pizza." Laemin responded.
    "You always want Pizza Laemin, lets try Sushi." CheapLoveMotel suggested.
    "Hmmn.... Sushi, and those serving girls at Veronique Club give you real good 'sushi', if you know what I mean." MoonUnit had a strange grin.
    "No, what do you mean?" Laemin looked dumbfounded. Moon was about to hit him when Cheap cut him off.
    "Behold my brethren, a runner hath used one of the forbidden technologies."
    Gasping in virtual unison (virtual unison because Laemin gasped, but Moon was too distracted thinking about the Sushi girls to register the gasp until about 20 seconds later) Laemin and MoonUnit looked to Cheap for a name.
    "Who would dare use one of the forbidden technologies?"
    "....Did you have to ask?"

    All of a sudden a beam of light appeared from the roof of Tech Haven. And the voices of a hallowed choir sang the 'Haleluhiah' Chorus as three mighty beings floated down from the ceiling. As the light cleared and the dust settled, everyone had to wait for the smoke to clear.
    "Oh sorry," Reef put his latest spliff away.
    "Peace be to you all." Laemin said, then looked around at the bullet holes and sighed. "Why do I even bother..."
    "Who are they?" LLL of ASS asked.
    "EGOS" McDanish responded.
    "EGOS? You mean like Sid's Precious?" Diesel asked.
    "No not an ego, EGOS. Electronic Ghosts Organising Stuff. They are beings of pure technology. They protect the world against the use of forbidden technologies and bring knowledge to the ingorant, and punishment to the evil."
    "Wow, sounds cool. Can I be one?" Deo asked. Cheap, with his ultimate hearing, overheard and rolled his eyes. He then, in a split second, moved to right in front of Deo.
    "What Do You Think, HUH? You think its easy to be this powerful? Do you think anyone can come in on a pillar of light or warp around the place like this? It takes years of training to ascend to the electronic plane of existence. Geez, think it through man. It's not like we have a sign in board, or a talent scout out there going, 'Hey, you look good, wanna be an EGOS?'" Deo decided not to speak any further.

    "They're getting in our business. Open fire!!!" Erazor yelled. Laemin just blinked as shot after shot hit him and did nothing.
    "Wow, wish I could do that." Yoda looked on enviously.

    "I R UB35. I WILLZ KILLZ UZ." Sid leapt forward and started firing shot after shot that never missed at MoonUnit.
    "Ah Sid, you never learn. What was it last time, you inserted the Speedz chip in your own brain and ran so fast you broke the sound barrier? Your crimes against the forbidden technologies have gone on long enough, Ruprect."
    "NOOO. I R L337. PRECIOUS WILLZ STOPZ UZ. I WILLZ KILLZ EGOZZZ." The NUBI's could only look on at their leader as he ran out of ammo, yet kept clicking the trigger. He then reached behind himself for a small button.
    "He's tryin to warp." Cheap noted the increase in displacement particles. Sid vanished from sight, and everyone gasped. Moon then clicked his fingers and Sid appeared right before him.
    "Nice try jackass." With that he smashed the button.
    The three EGOS formed a circle of sorts around Sid.
    "For your crimes we shall send you to the abyss for one week. Go there and return a better Runner."
    "NOOOOOZZZZZ......." Sid screamed as his mind was locked out of his body and his body entered the Generep for storage.
    "Geez I get tired of listening to him. All that l337 speak makes me hungry." Cheap said.
    "Our Leader is destroyed. We must flee." the NUBI's screamed.
    "We can't, Sid always used his hax for cash to pay for the transport, we can't afford it." Flyk cried.
    The three EGOS turned to look at the NUBIS with fire in their eyes. Each one transformed into a monstrous being. Cheap turned into the mechanical nightmare, the Warbot. Moon changed into the firebreathing DoomReaper. Laemin changed into sewer flies.....
    "Hey, I'm more dangerous than I look, I can give you malaria like this."
    "ARRGGHH.... RUN." The NUBI's tried to flee, but were destroyed by either SODOM, or ASS or EGOS.
    "This battle has been tainted by Sid. We shall withdraw. SODOM, let us teleport out." Erazor yelled.
    "We can't," FreeJumper said, "We saw that #### frog again..." "I'm NOT A FROG", someone yelled "and we kinda shot the generep to bits in the process."
    "Doh.... RUN." SODOM attempted to flee, ASS bombarded them to death until finally the First Three-Way Battle of Tech Haven was ended.

    "EGOS, thank you for your gracious intervention." Mako said, "please allow me to thank you with a hymn."
    As all of ASS started backing towards the door, the three EGOS sat to listen to Mako. Mako began to sing and all of a sudden their eyes bugged out.
    "EGOS.... RUN." the three started running for the doors.
    "Why are we running?" Laemin asked.
    "Oh yeah," Moon snapped his fingers and the three vanished.
    "Well glad thats over." Reef said.
    "Yes," Mako said, "now I shall finish my hymn."
    "ASS..... RUN."

    If any runner happened to pass into the Veronique Club at roughly that time, they would have found 2 beings slumped over their beers and sushi, while their comrade kept calling the serving mutant girls over with his click of the fingers.

    Until next time...

  6. #6
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    NERD Issue # 004

    If one were to never leave their luxury Via Rosso apartment, and only read Neocron's Edition of Readers Digest, they might think our very world was consumed only by the war between ASS, SODOM and NUBI, or the never-ending debate of what the EGOS will eat next. This is far from the truth. Thus we bring you...

    A Day In The Life Of A CopBot

    >>> Energy Cells Recharged <<<
    >>> System Diagnostics Complete <<<
    >>> Updating Standing Orders Protocols <<<
    >>> Discharging Wastes <<<

    "Uggh.... must talk to the Makers. They need to allow me to handle that last one manually. Every time i re-activate I mess up my recharger and have to get it cleaned." Unit L-73 thought. Stepping out of the puddle of metallic shavings and used lubricant it had just excreted all over the floor, Unit L-73 clanked itself towards the Organiser. Stepping forward, the Organiser grabbed Unit L-73 with a giant claw and lifted it into the conveyor system. The Organiser cleansed the outer layer of its organic parts, tightened the mechanical joints and slammed its copbot armour on around its previously exposed innards. Stepping off the conveyor, Unit L-73 moved to the armoury and picked up 'Josie'. Yes, the organic part of Unit L-73 felt the need to name its gun 'Josie'. The staff who maintain the copbots felt it better not to say anything (would you tell a copbot his gun's name sucked?).

    Finally Unit L-73 stepped into the anteroom where the on-duty commander was.
    "Geez not this dumbass again, where's Cpt. Stewart?" it thought.
    "Good revival Unit." the dumbass spoke.
    "Good Revival Commander." the synthescized voice blasted out.
    "Hail Reeza, may he rule forever."
    "Hail Reeza (that pussball fart), may he rule forever (from the bottom of the sewers, covered in Mutated Rat droppings)." L-73 responded.
    "We had some 'incidents' last night, so you're being assigned to cover the storefront across the street from the Veronique Club. Do you confirm, Unit?" the Commanding idiot read off his duty roster. Unit L-73 did not move.
    "Are you F'ing crazy you stupid piece of Rabid Dog crap? Veronique's a suicide mission you F'ing turd. They make you into ashtrays for the Mutant sluts to put their stam boosters out in down there. I'm not F'ing moving an F'ing inch. YOU GO WATCH THAT DEATHTRAP." L-73's mind screamed as his synthescized voice responded. "I confirm. I will guard the sector with my existence."
    "Good, now hurry up, you've been 17 seconds too long in briefing." Had the commander noticed, he would have seen L-73's control inhibitor flashing red as the organic parts tried to pull the trigger on 'Josie'.

    The Veronique Club was not such a bad place. The strippers were erotic, if you liked that sort of thing, the beer was good and the drugs were plentiful. It was a great place to go. What wasn't was the spot right across the street, where the on-duty copbot was stationed. The job was supposedly fairly simple (if you've never done it). You guard the sector and if someone should attack any of the hard working shop vendors, you protect them. The Club had its own security, so that wasn't your problem. However, this sector happened to be in Pepper Park. The mechanised arm of the law did not stretch so well here. Copbot patrols were thin out here, so it was expected that the average runner would not only be armed but would be running by with guns drawn, probably laying down fire too. And as you didn't have the back-up, you had to let them do it. Only if they chose to harm the wussy little bitches who tried to etch out a living in the stores around you were you to act. Now again, this wouldn't be a problem. A copbot does have superior armour and firepower after all. The problem came from the fact that at some point in 2752, a group of hard-core mercs called Phlebs had assaulted Pepper Park and tried to make it their own. And their first act of aggression had been to kill the Copbot in front of Veronique. This was achieved first by getting the security of the club to think the Copbot had attacked and then once they were fighting, blast the survivor with everything they had. And as only the sick twisted minds that take 11 Whiteflash's a day could think up; a bunch of runners made this into an almost regular sport. A test of strength, a trial of manhood of sorts. Thus more often than not, the Bot that went out to protect that zone came back as paper clips and refuse for the Bio-recyclers. And today was Unit L-73's 4th time. No bot had ever survived their 4th time.

    "Move along." the voicebox shot out again.
    "How many times have I said that this hour? That guy over there keeps eyeing up the brunette selling ammo over there. I totally lost track of how many times I've told that human pretzel to 'move along'. Can't they give me a better voice box, or at least something better to say. How am i to strike fear down to his fleshy balls with 'move along'. I sound like a guy growling down a steel pipe." L-73 often let his thoughts ramble on. It was about the only way a copbot could stay sane. The Black projects department of CityAdmin would find dying runners, one's that could not achieve a lock on an active ressurection beacon and would bodysnatch them. Removing excess organic materials, they would convert them into a basic endoskeleton, an interchangeable part for the insides of service and combat chassis to serve the public. The process was inhumane and would probably see the end of CityAdmin if it was discovered, but hey, how would anyone find out?? The first thing the engineers did was remove the runners vocal chords and install the voicebox with a limited number of commands. It was assumed the organic cleansing process would subdue the mind of the runner; in short, reduce them to a braindead vegatable. But not always.

    One of L-73's perks was dreaming about joinging the Amok Copbots he'd heard mentioned by a careless runner who believed he wasn't listening. Talks about Copbots who, like him, still had an active mind inside, and had taken their opportunity to go rogue and flee the city. How they survived without their recharge units was beyond L-73, but dreaming of walking up to one of those Mutant sluts and extending his 'refueling pipe' for a little 'R&R' (thats Rust & Relube) or walking into Sypher Cafe and slamming back a few beers in front of the shocked patrons, or writing its former name in the wall of Reeza's apartment building, or even reducing that idiot commander to ratmeat was what kept L-73 sane.

    It was 13:00 hours. The shift ended in 9 hours. Could it make it through the rest of the day? Would 73 be the first Copbot to survive 4 tours in Pepper 1? A small glimmer shone in its visor at that thought. And aside from Pretzel boy (his name was Pretzel in case you're wondering), things were pretty quiet.

    Two runners came up to the shops to look for ammo.
    "Hey, do they sell Fusion cannons around here?" Leus asked.
    "Nah man," Chebseym0n responded, "I don't know."
    "Wish this bucket head could give us a straight answer. Hey, tinpants, they sell fusion cannons around here?"
    "TINPANTS? BUCKETHEAD? I aughta strangle you you F'ing bitch." "Move Along."
    "Move this along," Chebseym0n responded, "SEXY." With that, Chebsey started gyrating in front of L-73 like a pervert.
    "YOU F'ING LOSER. I'd blast you in your non-existent balls. I will bend you over and stick my rifle up your ass and blow your f'ing eyeballs out." "Move Along."
    "Lets teach this trashcan who's boss Leus."
    "Oh no," it thought, "its happening, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it!!! I'm sorry for everything I ever did to copbots when I was a runner. Just don't let me die like this!!!"
    Leus drew his plasma rifle, Chebsey drew his RGC.
    "Drop that weapon." was all it could growl. Chebsey fired a shot and it hit right above L-73's head. A bolt struck out and hit 73 right in the head.
    "Oww? Since when can copbots say ow?" Leus asked.
    "They heard me? I can speak. I CAN SPEAK!!! My control inhibitor is fried!!!" With that, L-73 drew its rifle, and loomed forward. With the true bravery that two candyasses possess, they hid behind the security guards of Veronique. 73 glared at them and then said: "I don't get paid enough for this sh*t" and turned and ran up the stairs. Dumbfounded, the two could only look on.

    Within minutes, new reached CityAdmin of a chicken-wuss Copbot running like a frightened Chihuahua through Pepper Park screaming obsceneties at the general public. One report stated the copbot spotted a runner called Paradox, ran over, bent him over a trash can and did the 'sexy' hip action into his ass about 50 times, leaving Paradox feeling very abused from rusty copbot anal sex.

    "I'm getting outta here. I don't care any more, I'm not dying in this pisshole." 73 charged on, doing the fingers at any copbots he saw along the way.
    "Cya losers, I've still got a soul and I intend to keep it.
    "Move along."
    "Heh, I'll be the first one to obey that order..."

    "Wow," Shawn Connery, a runner who had finally braved the wastes enough to come out to the Jerriko ASG, had just spawned his very first Wheeler. He was about to step into it when 73 grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the ground.
    "Huh, whats a copbot doing here?"
    "No talk, DIE."
    "It can speak? Wait... you can't hurt me." Shawn stood up and lifted a section of his hair up to show the tell-tale blinking light of a law enforcer still in his skull.
    "Law enforcers stop Runners from killing you. I don't have that problem." and with that 73 dissected Shawn with Plasma, one shot at a time, till he was in a neat pile of 37 body bits. Then it stepped into the Wheeler and slammed on the gas.

    "So what're we gonna do? With Sid gone, we're powerless." A NUBI whined.
    "Quit yer bitching. We're not beat yet. It's gonna take more than an EGOS intervention to run us down." Flyk said, right before L-73 reduced him to a waffle at 237 miles an hour.

    On and on it drove, till eventually the wheeler got struck by warbot fire. It exploded, but not before L-73 could escape it. Standing face to face, 73 glared at the warbot.
    "That was my ride you asshole. It even had classic tunes. DAFT PUNK!!! He sounds more robotic than me. Do you know how hard it is to find Daft Punk in this day and age???" The Warbot' head twitched, then the rocket pack came alive with firepower.
    "Screw you. I still remember how to take you down." And with that, if anyone had been walking past, they would have seen a copbot, cowering behind a nearby building, blasting a Warbot with ultimate plasma power. The Warbot fell slain and the Copbot looked on nostalgic.
    "I remember this, but from when, from where.... Oh well, guess I'm on foot from now on."

    The march was long and troublesome, and 73 soon realised it wasn't even sure where it was going. Finally it came upon a tower. feeling its energy reserves running low, it decided to stop.
    "Where am I going? I'm low on power, ammo, and there's no newbies around here to gank.... Newbies to gank??? I remember that. Yeah, it's so F'ing fun watching the little turds go up in flames when they can't do nothing about it. Yeah, YEAH... I will be the Newbie PK Copbot. Yeah...."

    As 73 continued to plan its evil scheme a Rhino full of City Mercs pulled up.
    "Check it out a Copbot, whats it doing out here?"
    "Dunno, lets just kill it." And with that they attacked.
    "WHAT. NEWBIE SCUM. I'll Kick yer Asses for this. No one can match me!!" Unfortunately, 73 was remembering days when Rhino's didn't exist and the battle was not going his way.... until, over the horizon, 14 other rogue copbots came in and assaulted the CityMercs.
    "How are they so organised?? Retreat!!!"

    One of the Copbots walked over to 73
    "Greetings Brethren, I am I-94. You have been freed from your bondage to the evil City Admin. Don't suppose you killed that puss-faced Reeza before you came?"
    "Not exactly."
    "Ran like a school girl from a spider huh?"
    "No matter, you are among friends now." 73 looked at the other rogue's, who now nodded or saluted his way.
    "Here, you'll need this," 94 passed 73 a small object.
    "What's this?" 73 asked?
    "It's a Copbot CPU. Remember them?"
    "I thought they were all destroyed?"
    "No, this one survived the great change into Marine CPU's" 94 spat at the word.
    "I remember these things. They were all powerful."
    "Yes, they carry an almost limitless supply of energy. Install it and you will never have to recharge again." 73 plugged it in and felt renewed life return to him.
    "We are the Gears of War. Trapped souls long since forgotten to the general populace. We are gathering our forces here in the Northern wastes, until we have the power to strike back at that half-human turd Reeza. Join us brother, and help plan Reeza's downfall. Join with us and we will help you return to what you were before."
    "I thank you and shall help to destroy that ass-fart of a politician."
    "Do you have any recollection of your previous life?"
    "Vaguely. But I remember 2 names."
    "Oh?" 94 asked.
    "It was either.... Jack Trade.... or Nathan.... Proffit???"....

    Until next time....

  7. #7
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    March 2003
    New Zealand


    NERD Issue # 005

    A Disturbing Mind

    ASS were sitting around Tech Haven one dull and dreary day. Yet another lightning storm had broken out in the wastelands and travel was not advised. Everyone had got back indoors somewhere. Deo had been leading a team on another patrol of Soliko, Reef had been doing the diplomatic work in Neocron. A few were left in the wastes to find shelter. The last transmission had been that McDanish would try to seek shelter in the village rubble in I 05, while SoulBurner was stuck in the old Graveyard temple in K 13.

    A few hours after the storm had begun, a few of the members of ASS had braved the storm enough to return to Tech Haven. An assault by SODOM or NUBI on a day like this seemed unlikely so the clan was enjoying moving through their home unthreatened. Soul was the last to return and seemed a little flustered. Crackpot, who had glimpsed outside and wanted to get outside again wanted to know how bad it was.
    "Oi, can we check if its clearing at all?" he asked.
    "Dunno," said Druss, "is there any way to check?"
    "I heard if you attach a kite to a reptile and send it outside you can use that as a test. If the reptile hasn't been struck by lightning in 10 minutes, its ok."
    "Oh, really..." and with an evil grin Crackie looked over towards the goguardian.
    "So would, say a frog work?"
    "I'm not a frog." came the now conditioned response. It fell on deaf ears though as Crackpot and Druss hauled Master Yoda to the nearby exit and threw him outside with what appeared to be part of the hull of a hoverbike strapped to his back by wire.
    "HEY THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!" Yoda screamed as he ran around trying not to be hit by the sudden flurry of lightning bolts.
    Roughly 99% of Tech Haven's populace moved to somewhere where they could see the 'Will Yoda die?' event that was so popular this time of year.

    However, Soul looked tired and went off to his apartment to rest. Few noticed his parting, but Mako Tanaka noted he looked rather spent.

    Later that day a flash bulletin came up on the Citycom Terminals.



    Biologists from the BioTech Ecology Department today found a Hazard Worm apparently sexually abused by an as yet unknown assailant. Sources inside the department also alluded to a number of dead sandworms in the area also having been violated. Investigators are determining whether the violation occurred before or after death..."
    "Dude this is surreal." Doc Holiday looked pale.
    "Who would want to do a Sandworm, alive or...." Lisa Davitt couldn't finish that thought.
    "...information just in, apparently the Worms were found nearby the K 13 Grave region. Runners are warned to be cautious in this area of any suspicious Beast screwing Necrophilactic psycho's. Wait... one moment.... we've just received the final report. All the worms were violated in the sphincter area. Repeat, all the worms were Sodomised..."
    No ASS was listening after that. When an ASS heard about anal, they thought SODOM.

    And so began the War of Necrophilia. ASS and SODOM went to war, ASS pegging SODOM as the sicko's they'd always believed them to be while SODOM kept fighting back that ASS were mob-lovers (a title no one likes to hear in any connotation). NUBI stayed well clear of this fight, what with Sid having his monthly zit treatment taken care of. However, in a crucial battle, where ASS used a catapult to bombard a SODOM outpost with Drom Carcass', the battle turned against them as SODOM got ASS from behind. ASS lost the battle, but on the pained march back, finger pointing began.
    "I never let them get me behind, you were supposed to be watching my back." LLL retorted.
    "Me? I was further forward than you, why weren't you watching your back." Foyle yelled.
    "I was told SoulBurner was the rear guard and you were next."
    "Well where is Soul?" and with that, no answer could be given. Soulburner was not to be found. Nor was Mako Tanaka.

    In a dingy hall near the graves, Mako crept. The further into the dark she walked the louder the strange squelching sound got. It was an unnatural sound, like that of someone with their hand in a bucket of mayonaise, fisting in and out. But just before Mako could come upon the source of the sound, she stepped on a twig. A sharp intake of air was heard, and then the sound of something scurrying away. Mako leapt with a flashlight to discover... another violated Worm.

    "This is nuts, all of SODOM were at the fight with us," Reef began his talk with the troops. All of ASS had been gathered together (with the exception of one who was still tied to a piece of Hoverbike outside), "it couldn't have been them."
    "Well if not them, then who. We were all there, except for Mako who's alerted us, and Soul." Byron pointed out.
    "Soul, where were you?" Jonavan asked.
    "I ah, was, ah, looking for Yoda."
    "Why?" Crackpot asked dryly.
    "Oh yeah, good point."
    "Nah he doesn't have one." and with that Crackpot broke into another verse of some strange redneck hick song about his mamma and something to do with Yoda's peepee. As per usual everyone phased Crackie out of their mind.
    "Well thats it, we're off to BED." Reef stated.
    "Oh, I thought you'd never ask," Evangelion looked at Reef with fluttering eyes.
    "Not bed, you sexless freak, BED. Biotech Ecology Department. The forensic report is ready. Let us find out if they know what happened." And with that ASS got a moving.

    Once they had all gathered in BED, the leading Scientist, Dr. Gotno Clue addressed them.
    "Very well Ladies and Gentlemen, here is the specimen". He threw back the cover on one of the dead violated Sandworms. Looks of disgust and horror were on their faces as they looked at the puss filled posterior of the Worm.
    "As you can see here, there are some very severe groping marks along the lower abdomenal nipular area...."
    "Heh, he said nipple..."
    "Shut up Eva." everyone said at once.
    "May I continue."
    "Yes of course (hehehe nipple *giggles* sorry), NOW you may."
    "Thank you. From the random squeeze marks this was done by a man, with obviously no idea on how to handle a nipple *giggles* *smack over back of head* *sobs*."
    "But, Doc," SoulBurner interrupted, "Perhaps thats actually how its supposed to be done on a worm."
    "So you're saying that this is in fact the work of someone with incredible skill in nip- in pleasuring a sandworm?" Everyone looked at Soul very funny for even suggesting it.
    "It was just a thought..." he shut up again.
    "Now, here we see the penetration point," the Doc shot a quick glare at Eva who looked ready to explode again, "it measure 1.3 inches in diametre and inwards it went 3.34 inches. This indicates a very poorly 'equipped' assailant, most likely explaining the Arthropoid Necrophilactic activities..."
    "ITS NINE INCHES IF ITS A SCRATCH!!!!" Soul yelled out.
    Again, everyone was taken aback by how vehemently Soul yelled. The Doc looked suspicious and pressed a button. A cover came up and revealed a living Hazard Worm with an ample backside. Soul's eyes suddenly turned dreamy and a trickle of saliva moved out of his mouth. All of a sudden the ball dropped and everyone took 3 steps away from Soul
    "OH YOU SICK SON OF A F'ING BITCH!!!!!!! I AM GONNA PWN5 UR A55 SID STYLE TILL IT LOOKS LIKE THAT WORM!!!!" Drizzts yelled. Soul hung his head in shame.
    "I can't help it. I was doing a sexy taunt to SODOM one day when a Worm surfaced from the sand right in front of me and i well, felt what it was like" (nautious faces all around). "After that I couldn't stop, its like a drug, its just so soft and squishy in there," (some vomiting, Drizzts arming a Fusion cannon and a oddly interested look on Eva's face).
    "That's it, I'm taking him out." Drizzts leaned on the trigger.
    "Stop," said Reef, "no, he's one of ours. He just needs help. When a member of ASS needs help, we will always support them. We don't leave our guys by themselves." And with that everyone entered a big group hug (minding to keep Soul's pelvis at bay) and went home.


    "Help... me... someone ... please..." the charred remains of Yoda were lying in a ditch some half a mile from Tech Haven with 2 Hoverbots dangerously close. Yoda looked up at his com system to see the message "We're busy helping Soul. Stop bugging us Yoda." And his eyes blazed red....

    Until next time...

  8. #8
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    March 2003
    New Zealand


    Yay, I'm glad to see NERD has been so well received here on the NC forum.

    I'll put out the next issue in a little while, so stay tuned.

    (PS: I actually like Insidious Wolf and Nate, so hopefully if either of them get to read this, they can take it with as much humour as I hoped to put into it).

    Ok, on with the story, time to break another finger typing...

  9. #9
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    March 2003
    New Zealand


    NERD brings to you now a dark story. One filled with pain and misery. The events that will follow have been described by many a phrase; turning to the darkside, the nail side of the thumb, switching teams.... but ultimately this is the tale of ...

    NERD Issue # 006

    Yoda Goes Postal

    At some point, a passing runner had taken the time to cut the piece of Hoverbike off of Yoda and at last he had been able to get up and return to civilisation. He took a quick energy-shower and geared up for a walk in the wastelands. It had been a tough week. He'd been ganked countless times again and then struck by lightning more times than he wished to remember. And he wasn't sure but he felt like SoulBurner had been looking at him funny from behind, though that might have been his imagination...

    Dawn crept over the Wastes as a small green figure moved through the foliage. Yoda had chosen to take a scouting patrol of the Soliko area. Quite often an ASS member would go out on a patrol, but rarely on their own. Yet Yoda had at least the advantage of camoflauge for most of his journey, behing small and green. As he patrolled the area, it became less green and more the arid canyon area Soliko was known for. But being small, and the sun not yet fully risen were tremendous advantages. After succesfully determining no SODOM members were around, Yoda felt inclined to scout Eastgate as well. This he also completed with only minor incident (that being he stepped in TerrorMauler excrement). Two NUBI's were near Eastgate, so Yoda moved on.

    Time was getting on so Yoda decided to head back. But not far out from Eastgate and still some distance from Soliko, Yoda felt nature calling. Now a normal runner when in the Wastelands, wide open spaces all around you would stop and do their business anywhere. But Yoda felt a great sense of pride as an ASS and refused to pee unless it was in a proper toilet. And the closest toilet that was safe was at Soliko.

    It was slow going from there on, as the urge continued to rise. Now again, a normal runner would either have just gone, or would at least have tried to take their mind off of the need. But Yoda found focusing on the problem was the best way, so he did what no sane runner in enemy territory would do.... he began to sing about it.

    "Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah,
    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah.

    I'm holdin and I'm squeezin, I'm in gut twisting pain,
    Cause I've been holding in for hours, ain't been toilet trained.

    I'm standing in the meeting, but I really need to leak,
    So I let loose right then and there, got guard duty for a week.

    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah
    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah

    My back is to a monster, it really is a freak.
    I'm pissin to the left, pissin to the right, and now I'm up sh*t creek.

    Sid's yelling in leet speak, don't know what he say,
    So while he's still yellin, I hit him with my spray.

    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah
    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah

    Been captured by SODOM, they gave me just baked beans,
    My arse is singing to me, I don't know what it means.

    Now I'm being tortured, but SODOM's losing fast,
    cause last nights meal has come back like a toxic nuclear blast.

    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah
    Need to Urinate Need to Urinate, Yeah Yeah Yeah

    Defecating on the table, kickin it in the air,
    Peeing down the bad guys throats, they're spewing everywhere....

    How the song had gotten onto flatulence and other bodily functions was anyone's guess, and it possibly would have kept on going, had not the worst lyrics since "Baby, One More Time" some 8 centuries earlier, alerted the SODOM members who had returned to Soliko. As Yoda approached the stairwell to head up, albeit cross-legged, to the toilet above, he suddenly found himself hurtling through the air as cannon fire wretched the ground beneath him flying.

    Long did Yoda battle to stay alive, but futile it was. The forces of SODOM encircled him and slew him painfully. As he died, his essence returned to the GR for respawning, but.... oh no... Yoda realised he had loaned the last of his cash to Eva for porn and baby lotion. Now the only GR that would allow him to respawn was,.... Soliko's.

    And thus the Ganking of Yoda began, a tortuous mass murder that is oft spoken of in perverse legend. For 4 day, 17 hours and 36 minutes they ganked him, till all that was left was the smoking remains of hundreds of dead Yoda's. (The author was struck over the back of the head just now).

    Eventually the members of SODOM either ran out of ammo, or just got bored, but one by one they left. And thus finally, Yoda emerged from the generep and lived. He stumbled over the remains of his former selves a few times and fell upon his knees, looking down upon the sands of the canyon.


    Yoda raised his eyes, and a fire unlike any seen since the Cleansing light burned in them. He let loose a scream that made Vegeta of DBZ look like a Sailor Moon cheerleader and then collapsed for a time.

    Later that day...

    "Ye55 My Precious, I R L33t. I R UB35. I wi77 pwnz ur a55e5, precious..." Sid was giving a motivational speech to a bunch of Droms that were graving nearby, not paying him any attention. Sid was about to get angry at their lack of respect for his uberness when one of the drom's to his left let loose a bloodcurdling mooo.
    "Yeah, Precious, u knowz i gonaa pwns u...." Sid stopped short as the flame-eyed Yoda, armed with the bloody leg of a Drom leaped upon him and began beating him senseless
    "OH YEAH PRECIOUS, WE LIKES THAT DON'T WE PRECIOUS. GETTING PWNZED IS FUN, PRECIOUS, I WILL PUNKZ YER BITCH ASS OUT PRECIOUS....." and on the macabre beating continued. Then Yoda picked Sid up and threw him head first into a pile of drom doodoo before taking off.
    "Precious Wantz Mommy...."

    Later that night.

    Two members of SODOM, Agent K and Murkster, were camping out under a few trees near Yutano Mine.
    "Yo Murk, what r we gonna do tonight?"
    "The same thing we do every night K, Try To Take Over The World."
    "No, seriously."
    "...we's gonna sit here and watch the Mine lie we were told."
    "I knew it."
    "Well at least we got chocolate this time, right K?" Murkster reached for the chocolate but could not find any. He turned to look at K. What he saw was Yoda sitting on K's head, farting away as he consumed their chocolate. Agent K appeared to be undergoing some sort of muscular fit, as if his body was under the control of 15 drunk pupeteers, flaying about in agony under the chemical bombardment. Murksters jaw dropped at the sight.
    "Need to urinate." And with that a shot of green fluid entered the gaping hole. Spluttering, Murkster stumbled to his feet. Yoda leapt in front of him and moved into an impressive kung fu pose. Murkster was taken aback.
    "POWER OF SPOOOO...." Yoda yelled.
    "Huh?" With that, Yoda leapt forward and shoved two fingers up one of Murkster's nostrils. Murkster screamed out like a 4 year old girl who's just had something crawl in her underwear. Of course you can't blame Murkster for that. What man would keep his cool when a short green, fire eyed man has you by the nose hairs in the middle of nowhere? You can laugh at him, but not blame him.
    "BLOODY BOOGER ATTACK!!!" Yoda yelled as he ripped out a cluster of nose hairs and stuck them in Murksters eyes before pushing him into a nearby mineshaft. Victorious, Yoda struck a Superman pose and cried out "One More for the Green Guys..." and then ran off.

    Now, many of our readers may be wondering how this amazing transformation of power might have occured. Regular readers will remember our Master Yoda being a fairly weak member of ASS, usually the first and the last to die in every battle. Yet perhaps our readers have not considered something. After 4 days, 17 hours and 36 minutes of continuous deaths, a runners body will have become freakishly stronger and tougher that it was before. Hence the gank session served not only to make Yoda snap like a Postman, but to increase his personal Strength and Constitution to freakish levels. With this new power and total lack of marbles upstairs, he had become a walking, hopping nightmare of a frog *smack over back of head* er... green man.

    Early the next dawn...

    Shadow of SODOM had been up to his usual tricks, and EGOS had a strong suspicion he had been using forbidden technologies. Laemin had been sent to confront him.
    "Shadow. I'm here to stop your deeds of evil."
    "Yeah, well how you gonna do tha..." the sentence never finished. Charging over the hill with a running speed twice that of the best hoverbike, Yoda drop kicked Shadow through a nearby hill.
    "Hey that's my speed trick," said Laemin.
    Shadow got up fast and tried to put some distance between him and Yoda to clear his head. He activated his lost technology of UberRun chips and took off. Yoda glared at him and snapped his fingers, and then was standing right next to Shadow.
    "HEY!! Thats my trick too."
    "What the..." Shadow leapt back and hauled out his Cursed Soul. He opened up with a full barrage at Yoda at point blank range. Yoda was unscathed in the least.
    "Damnit... that's..." Yoda grinned as he dropped to one knee and used Shadow's testicles as a punching bag, repeatedly beating on them.
    "Ahh, so thats a weakness of his UberHealth technology, it can't alter a genetic weakness." Laemin noted. Yoda rose to his feet and looked around for something to finish the job with. He spotted a cylindrical thing on Shadows belt and grabbed it. A beam of light spewed forth and Yoda decapitated Shadow with his own Laserblade. Yoda stared at the beam for some time, as if he had just found a piece of himself once again.

    After a time, Yoda walked over to Laemin and passed to him a hallowed crystal.
    "Thanks, needed to get some revenge so I borrowed that."
    "Uncool!! You stole my powers!! I must teach you a lesson!" Laemin recoiled back. Yoda stood at the ready, lightsabre....err... lasersword in hand.
    "Now taste my wrath!!" Laemin transformed into a .... mechturtle.
    "Hump my foot will you?" Yoda asked.
    "Ohhhh, thats it....." and with that, Laemin started making that horrible metal grinding sound that Mechturtles make. Yoda's giant pointy ears could take no more.
    "Run I must, yess. Rusty gears I sense in you...." and off Yoda ran, new toy in hand.

    Until next time...

  10. #10
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    NERD Issue # 007

    Return of the Kermit....err... Hermit.

    When Yoda returned to ASS clan Headquarters, there was a great deal of silent awe (except for Eva who seemed to be giggling about a certain tear in Yoda's pants). The Laser Sword packing Yoda, with fire in his eyes and the blood of many on his shirt stood full of rage in front of all of ASS. Finally he spoke.
    "I am NOT a Frog. And I still need to urinate." With that the last of his rage faded away and he collapsed.

    After much treating of wounds (and more of Eva just playing Doctor) and a toilet break (some ten days after the original urge to pee had kicked in) Yoda was returning to normal. His physical form was far stronger and healthier than before, but his mind was no longer on the virge of breakdown. Many gathered to hear the tale of his ordeal, some thinking it was funny, others being inspired to do the same. But ultimately, the story was ended and it was time to get back to business.

    A special Council of ASS had been called to consider a number of issues, ranging from the increased threats from NUBI of increased violence, the new smaller forms of hostility springing up around the Wastelands, all the way through to a proposed name change (since Against System Shock was a bit dated, what with System Shock now being a part of SODOM). The meeting had three phases. The first was the introduction of all the business and the silencing of Crackpot, who wanted to sing a verse of his redneck mamma song every time something new came up. After threatening to let SouBurner have his way with Crackpot, he consented to stop singing. The second phase consisted of actual work in which McDanish, lord of stating the obvious, stated the obvious. ReefSmoker sat back and had a nap, Deo felt important, Yoda didn't get called a frog, and Eva served drinks in a French maid outfit (don't ask). And lastly came the close of the business where thoughts on what to do for the rest of the day were talked about amidst Druss and Wannabe playing tiddlywinks with everyone's tech parts.

    In the end it was decided to go hunt down NUBI's. With their leader being spotted walking into Plaza one covered from the waist up in Drom crap, NUBI had suffered yet another crushing embarrasment, and their 2nd in Command Flyk had abandoned them. The clan was being held together by the bloated ego of Sid alone, and that was crushed earlier by Yoda.

    So ASS decided to assault NUBI grounds at Chester Lab. They marched to the outpost in mass numbers and surrounded it. NUBI's inside looked out past the battlements to see ASSes everywhere, a disturbing sight for sure. Atop a nearby hill, wind blowing in dramatic fashion, Master Yoda stepped forward, ignited his Laser Sword, raised it high and yelled:
    "FREEEEDOOOOMMM" (Eva couldn't resist and threw up her kilt, Mako did the same, but Pink Elephant Bloomers were discovered under that skirt).
    "Freedom? Who's freedom? Ours?" The NUBI's were more confused than usual.
    "Launch squadrons." Drizzts, Commander of the Western flank yelled. With that a horde of drones were launched to bombard the base.
    "I got your six Swollen Mongoose." Soul's drone radio'd
    "I'm not Swollen Mongoose, and get away from my sex, I mean six, Soul." LLL, the returning ASS (from a stint with friends in Phoenix), called back.
    "Roger that Pasty WhiteThighs."
    "No I'm Pasty WhiteThighs," Reef called out, "Don't ya know anything about the Scots?"
    "Wilko and out Pasty White Scots Thighs, sorry Nubile Seahorse."
    "Oh I give up..." LLL decided not to inquire, and just fire. The drones lit up many a NUBI before Sid appeared from inside the Medicare.
    "PRECIOUS... Who INTERRUPTS MY BATH? I R L337 IN THE TUB." People might have at least listened to what he was saying were he not still clutching a rubber ducky. Amazingly the Ducky helped save his life as the GenTanks burst through the front lines with blades and attacked head on. Sid threw the Ducky to McDanish, who felt the need to stop and let everyone know he'd found a rubber ducky. In that brief instant, Sid and many NUBI's were able to flee. But in their escape, Sid saw Yoda. Filled with a desire for revenge he ran forward. Yoda stood ready to strike with his new toy when Sid stopped short and removed his towel. Yoda's sword fell to the floor as he was struck immobile by the horrifying sight. At this the NUBI's struck Yoda down. And after a painful struggle, Yoda died once more. But before he could respawn, Sid did the most evil action yet. He grabbed a pair of his used undies and threw them upon Yoda's corpse. The inteference and biochemical meltdown that followed is beyond description. But the result was that Yoda could not respawn. He truly was dead.

    ASS crushed all NUBI's that remained at Chester and took the outpost, but the price was high. They carried Yoda's remains back home on a piece of metal (ironically the same piece that was tied to Yoda's back to test for lightning bolts) and laid him down in the clan HQ.
    "Can anything be done for him?" Reef asked. Solemn looks said no one seemed to have an idea.
    "Well we should at least treat the dead with respec....EVA!!!"
    Eva was playing around with the undies. A Unanimous Ewww went up.
    "What, I've handled worse."
    "EWWW." They took a Double Edged Sword and threw the undies and the sword down a disposal shaft.
    "Thank you, now perhaps we can have a little.... SOUL."
    Soul was lurched over the blackened remains.
    "It's not what you think, honest."
    "It better not be... EVERYONE!!!" Everyone else had taken to poking the body a bit here and there.
    "Oh come on Reef, its kinda fun." Byron pointed out. Reef had a few pokes and then regained control.
    "No, we shall incinerate the body and that will be it." Doc Holiday came up with an NCPD Flamer and ignited Yoda's remains. ASS stood by, a momentary silence was held, and then they moved away.

    But then....

    Just at that time the fires turned blue and the body exploded into a tempest. All were taken aback as the body reformed and stood up. The fires cleared and all looked on shocked.

    "What is it? Is it a zombie?" Mako asked.
    "Is it a vampire?" Scarecrow asked.
    "Is it edible?" Chapel asked. *smacks over the head*

    "I LIVE AGAIN!!!"
    "Yoda its great to see you again."
    "Yoda? I know not of what you speak." The smoke cleared up and at last ASS could see that instead of the short green Yoda, stood an individual clad all in black, with narrow eyes.
    "Who are you then?" Jonavan asked.
    "I am Warlock the Hermit..."

    Until next time...

  11. #11
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    Ok just a quick word if I may.

    I like hearing peoples views and opinions, but my desperate hope was for this post to remain a simple form of harmless humour, which is why I said anyone who thinks I'm going too far or being mean to them can tell me to stop and I will.

    So if you've got a problem with these stories, feel free to tell me. If you've got a problem with the people mentioned IN the stories, perhaps its best to take it up with them directly(9 pokes??? Geez).

    Anyway, thanks for your time, the next chapters coming up shortly.

    Oh and the same goes for the BT members. Keep your real life clan politics to Pluto, this posts just for your fictional selves.

    Also, my thanks to all who've been reading, and saw this post get over 1200 views in less than 48 hours *sniff* you really love me

    I'll stop acting gay now and get the next one posted.....
    Last edited by NERD Editor; 17-03-03 at 07:50.

  12. #12
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    NERD Issue # 008

    The Change Part 1: ASSFault

    All had become quiet across the warzone. NUBI was still gathering its wits after the assault on Chester and SODOM was still seeking information about the whereabouts of Yoda after the assault on their persons some ten days ago. And ASS was not inclined to start a fight. Most were having difficulty accepting the fact that the living dead was walking around the clan apartment. The return of Warlock from the ashes of what was left of Yoda (which was still being swept out of the apartment) had been both unexpected and unnerving. Where once the whimsical little frog *smack on back of head* er, green man had been, now was the darker, more menacing Warlock of old. Clad in black, twice as tall as Yoda and looking upon the world with narrow, menacing eyes, Warlock the Hermit was almost the complete opposite of Master Yoda.

    "Hiya Warlock." Soulburner said.
    "Hmn? Hmn what?"
    "You were the one poking around my charred pre-self, weren't you?"
    "Erm, well you see, I, well, um, didn't think you'd mind what with being... um.. dead and all..."
    "Yes. We're going to have words little man about this hobby of yours."
    "Oh cool, ok," Soul suddenly sat down all excited, "so I found this dead drom the other day, and I think it must have been there like a couple of days or so, but you know Drom's.. they're just so ..." this sentence never finished as Warlock started strangling Soul with his own shoelaces. This was bad enough except he didn't actually remove them from his shoes and his shoes were still on his feet. Hence the entire barbaric scene started to look like some perverse Yoga lesson. Needless to say Soul did not mention the topic of dead droms again.

    And thus things continued for a few days. Eventually ASS came to accept the change, as it was no loss to have an old veteran return from the dead. Just freaking weird.

    But the peace was not to last. A dispicable scheme was launched by SODOM. Using a recently unearthed Forbidden Technology, the NERF (Nanite Emitting Release Fork) they launched an attack on the very core of ASS; that which held them together. Their clan key.

    "Alright, we have the technology. But how do we use it?" Deluxe asked.
    "This fork must be inserted directly into their clan key itself," Agent K, who after some 3 weeks of oxygenation was able to breathe somewhat normally again, no thanks to the biochemical attack Master Yoda had launched, "then we release the nanites and bam, consider ASS kicked."
    "Yes, very good K, and thanks for stating what we already knew but how do we deliver this into the key itself?" Noobish asked.
    "I have a plan!!" Murkster exclaimed.
    "Dude, we can't liquify the clan door and walk in. Its not physically possible."
    "I have another plan." Murkster stated.
    "We can't go in through the walls either."
    "... I have a third plan..."

    While that carries on, we'll get to another part of the tale...

    "I R L33t Precious, Yesss."

    Ok that's enough of that, back to SODOM

    "... I have a 17th plan." Murkster looked around. Finally no one knew what his stupid ass plan was.
    "Good then we'll use this plan."
    "You gonna tell us what it is?"
    "No, I'm going to make you all wait in suspense. Muahaha. Muahahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAAHAH...." the maniacal laughter was so contagious that within 2 minutes the entire of SODOM was laughing maniacly, sticking their little pinky's up to their lips like some kind of whistle like a bald headed would-be super villain named Mike.

    Reefsmoker was walking through the dandelions in sector C 08. Of course anyone who knows anything about Wasteland Biology knows that there are no dandelions in the Wastes, but rather giant fungus like creatures that feed off of exposed leg hairs. And whenever Reef walked through the fields the fungus always seemed extremely excited.

    As Reef came up to the road, he found a dishevelled looking hobo sitting by the road.
    "Greetings traveller. Who might you be?" Reef looked at the hobo.
    "I would be Reefsmoker. Who might you be?"
    "I am Hobo."
    "Yes I can see that, whats your name."
    "That is my name. Hobo. My parents were quite prophetic."
    "Uh huh." Reef shrugged and turned to go.
    "Key inspector. Please present your keys for examination."
    "Key inspection? Oh dear, one moment."
    "I can't believe he's falling for this!!!" Hobo thought to himself. And with that Reef presented all his keys to Hobo. He pretended to give a stuff about them and examine them, then came upon the clan key of ASS. He insterted the NERF and activated it. All of a sudden the walls around the clan apartment began to crumble and all those inside evacuated. Clan chat was brought to an apbrupt halt and ranks were lost.
    "Mua Mua Muahahahahaaha. You fool!!!" Hobo leapt up victorious.
    "Huh? Hobo what's the matter?"
    "Idiot, I'm not Hobo. I'm Shadow in disguise. Look."
    "Huh?" Shadow couldn't believe this so he looked closer at Reefs glazed eyes.
    "Did you find some new weed?"
    "Yeah, try some." And with that Reef made Shadow take a pull.

    4 hours late the two were still laughing and looking glazed at the side of the road as if they were old friends.

    Thus ASS was annihilated. The clan was no more and the members were clanless once again. An emergency meeting was called for. The problem was, with no clan chat, they all had to talk on zone chat. And of course, it had to be a zone with just them. They were having a hard time finding a zone that no one visited. Then it dawned on them.

    An hour later in the ConCentre...

    "Ok here begins the last meeting of ASS," Soul was chairman of the meeting, as Reef was still in disgrace, "If everyone is present say here."
    "No." said McDanish.
    "No what? Everyone's not here?"
    "Of course not, we never had a member named Everyone. Oh... ohhhh. You meant.that everyone in the clan was here, not a member named everyone. I found that unclear, but now I understand, so have said that I undertood, so I'm ok now and can say now that everyone is here. The people, not the member."
    "Thank you Overlord of the Obvious. Go sit in the corner with Reef." Deo yelled. McDanish slinked over to the corner and slapped a Dunce hat on.
    "Ok, now that everyone... That the clan is assembled, our first matter of business. Did anyone catch that sexy looking female aggressor outside the city gates, cause... ARGGHH." And with that, Warlock backhanded Soul of the podium and assumed the Chairman position.
    "But, I wanted to be the chairman." Soul sulked. Warlock narrowed his eyes and unleashed his special attack. The Glare. A piercing glance where his eyes glowed red with rage and seemed to burn a hole into your skull. Soul backed away.
    "Ooh, can I do that?" Drizzts asked. Another Glare. Another member backing towards the corner.
    "First order of business," Warlock began, "the dissolution of ASS. The clan has failed in its mission, we have been defeated and defiled by SODOM." Everyone had a odd look on their face from the choice of wording.
    "It's true, they got ASS right in the ass." LLL pointed out.
    "He made a pun there, for our name was ASS and we all have asses, and when you get kicked you usually get it in the ass and so when you ..." McDanish began but everyone suddenly seemed to learn how to use The Glare. He went back to the corner.
    "I hereby call for a vote to dissolve ASS," Warlock continued, "All in favour say Aye."
    "Aye." A resounding majority yelled.
    "Nay," one little voice came from an unknown source.
    "I abstained." Chapel yelled out.
    "Ok, that's fine." Warlock responded.
    "Dude, no, he really did abstain the floor." Everyone looked at a puddle beneath Chapel. A sudden Demilitarized zone formed in 2.4 seconds around Chapel.
    "Get a mop." Warlock growled.
    "But, but, but..."
    "No, this is ASS, not Butt." Crono yelled out. A few laughed. Chapel went for a mop and bucket.
    "2nd order of business. Now we are all clanless, we need to form a new clan. But with the destruction of the old one we need money. Lots of it."
    "So what shall we do?" Everyone asked.
    "We must go out and get jobs."
    "No, not that. Anything but that No NOOOO."
    "Lisa, remember, breathing is important." After a few breaths Lisa seemed calmer again.
    "Well what are you all waiting for? Get to work damnit or I'll come down there and leave you all in such a state that Soul will be hauling you off to his private love nest."

    Now you may not believe it, but the people at that meeting evacuated at 72% the speed of light.

    And so it was that the quest to begin again began. The former members of ASS began hunting for work in order to pay for a new clan.

    Find out more in 'The Change Part 2: Evangelion gets Pimped."

    Until next time...

  13. #13
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    NERD Issue # 009

    The Change Part 2: Evangelion Gets Pimped

    After the final meeting of ASS, the members spread out across the Neocronian world in search of employment. The goal was to create enough funds to start a new clan, one better than its predecessor. With that in mind, Evangelion, Mistress of ASS, decided to pay an old friend a visit.

    Eva knocked on the obtrusive steel plated door, deep in Pepper Parks murky bowels. An annoyed voice could be heard moaning at having to get up. Eventually the door slid open and Evangelion was admitted into the room. It smelt of smoke and beer, but then again... it was Pepper Park. Eva stood still in the middle of the room, and the owner of the 'fine establishment' paced around to stand in front of her.
    "Why are you here?" Prissy asked.
    "I need work." Evangelion responded, looking Prissy right in her mirror image eyes.
    "To the point as always. You don't call, don't write."
    "Yet here you are next to a Com Terminal, what was your excuse?"
    "You said you need work?" Prissy avoided the question.
    "Yeah, any ideas?"
    "I hear Club Veronique needs talent. I could arrange something."
    "Oh, no. I'm not good enough to work there." Eva feigned modesty... poorly.
    "Honey, those mutant ho's can't compare to you. That club needs real woman."
    "Then I should take you with me, Priss." Both women laughed with the exact same false laugh, secretly thinking the other compared more to an Aggressor Captains backside than to them, yet neither noticing the disturbing similarities between them...

    The wailing fake laughs carried on long into the night. Copbots fled the scene...

    The next day, Evangelion took centre stage in Club Veronique's epileptic free dance room. A few twirls, swirls, and a trick involving a baseball bat, and within an hour the club was packed. The manager, E. U. Nuch, received an unprecedented number of requests for a private showing. A few lucky applicants received their wish. A private showing of 'Subtle Movements'.

    Showing 1:

    The lights dimmed, and the low music started. Eva began swaying and grinding, every action an erotic feat. Eva was putting on the performance of a lifetime, till a rhythmic noise started putting her timing off. The noise rose from a slight hum to a resounding snore. The lights came on and Eva began glaring at Megaman.
    "What the HELL is wrong with you!!" She yelled. Mega woke up slowly, then spotted the half naked woman and sprang to attention. Then he got up out of his chair.
    "WOAH!! From the name of the show I thought this was a ballet or something, but DUDE!!!" Megaman unfortunately did not live up to his legend of being nearly invincible that day, as he broke the cardinal rule 'No sex in the Stripping Room'. He laid a finger on Eva, and lost the use of his balls for a week.

    Showing 2:

    The lights dimmed, and the low music started. Eva started a different dance, one with sudden movements, no less provocative than the wasted one on Megaman. Yet after 5 minutes of action that would have driven a normal man wild, Eva still could not sense even the slightest excitement from the one seated in the dim. Eva stopped and demanded light. There she beheld SoulBurner. He had been watching intensely, but just wasn't getting excited. Eva was about to snap, but then ran into the back room. She brought forth a Mechturtle and set it on the stage. All of a sudden SoulBurner was in exctasy. Not wanting to stay and ask why Soul wasn't out earning money himself, Eva decided now was a good time to get something to eat.

    Showing 3:

    The lights dimmed and the low music started. A pole was present and Eva was working it in fine form. The performance lasted a staggering ten minutes and Eva felt thrilled to have got through a whole performance.
    "So how was that baby?"
    "U SUXXOR!! I R L33T357 Stripzor everz. WATCH." And with that Insidious Wolf ripped his neon pink spandex from his now naked self and began abusing the pole in ways that no sane author could ever describe. Once Evangelion picked her jaw up from the floor and finished gagging, Sid also lost the use of his genitals for a week... one nut at a time.

    Showing 5:

    The Author apologises for not being able to count.

    Showing 4:

    Again, Eva took the stage, lights dimmed, music yada yada yada. This time, with every gyration and step, the guy in the lucky seat went nuts. Eva finally felt as though she was giving the satisfaction her job required. And she was, until
    "This show is too good just for me, one sec" All of a sudden the world around Eva changed to a tunnel of white lines racing past and reformed into... PLAZA 1!!! And there was the crowd, in awe and going nuts at the new sight. And there was MoonUnit, removing his finger from the warp button.
    "Thats better, now THIS is an event!" The players nearby bowed and wept as Moon's generosity overwhelmed them.
    Eva, not really caring about being totally naked in public stormed over with vengeance in her eyes to MoonUnit.
    "Now, Eva, come on, I have godmode after all, you can't really..." apparently godmode doesn't counter that attack. Eva removed Moon's tin pants and vest and stormed off back to the club, leaving a half naked EGOS lying on a Recration Unit in Medicare.

    "This isn't working, I need a new plan." Eva thought to herself, while leaning against a wall. Eva thought long and hard, and finally a light flashed above her head.
    "Lights are fixed boss."
    "Thank you."
    And then Eva had an idea.

    The next showing was before 12 eager guys. Eva walked out, knee high boots, leather straps and a bull whip. 12 mouths drooled. Eva cracked the whip hard before them. They shuddered in fear and delight.
    "Now slaves, drop your valuables before me if you wish to please your mistress." One guy stood up and started unzipping till another whip crack taught him those were more of a liability than an asset.
    With all their valuables emptied out, Eva moaned with pleasure. The 12 looked on expectantly.
    "Ok get out." And with that Eva began chasing them out of the club with her whip. Once she was sure they were half way to NCPD Headquarters, she yelled.
    "Next showing."

    Amazingly, Eva managed to earn 2.7 million credits before the Copbots came to stop her little scheme. Apparently they were still scared of the wailing laugh.

    Eva was able to sit back and await her fellow former ASSES to do their part. She took to drinking contests with Prissy, which, oddly enough always ended up in a draw. Go figure...

    Until next time...

  14. #14
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    NERD Issue # 010

    The Change: Part 03 - The NEXT Big Thing

    Evangelion's substantial contribution had looked set to see some ASS action in the near future. Unfortunately, a large sum of that cash was lost due to Evangelion and Prissy's personal expenditure. The former ASS Council was going to demand an explanation for how 1.3 million credits had been lost, but after noting that next to the expenditure was the entry "Spent on Adult Cinematography, Baby Lotion and Diapers" they decided it was in the best interests of everyone's sanity to not inquire further.

    Thus the quest for money continued... and finally...

    "I've had an idea." Lisa said.
    "What is it?" Shodough asked.
    "Its a series of neural charges passing through the brain to form a collection of images and thoughts that come together into a sort of plan..."
    "No, I mean what IS your idea." Shodough paid for his mistake of forgetting Lisa's tendency towards the literal.
    "Oh, why didn't you ask that?"
    "I did."
    "Not at first."
    "I did second."
    "But second isn't first."
    "Second is better than first."
    "The Olympics would disagree with you."
    "There hasn't been an Olympics in over 500 years. Their opinion doesn't matter anymore."
    "So what makes second better than first?" Lisa asked.
    "Can we get back to your idea."
    "Ok, well..." Lisa was beginning when McDanish interrupted her.
    "Lisa...," and he paused, Lisa and Sho looked on expectantly, "is about..." another pause, "to say something."
    "......" McDanish, re-establishing his title of Mr. Obvious got bitchslapped once again like a red-assed Monkey in a kindergarten.
    "I have been bitchslapped like a red-assed monkey in a kindergarten." McDanish moaned. Stuff was thrown at him.
    "So anyway, my idea..."
    "Yeah Lisa, go on," Reefsmoker had been sitting by watching this and decided he would join in.
    "Well, it goes like this... Maybe they take the lotion and put it in the diaper... and then..."
    "NOOOO. DO NOT GO THERE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......" Reef screamed. Oh did he ever scream.

    Meanwhile, a contingent of members had been bumming around Tech Haven 2 till they'd been smeared over the wall by SODOM. Then when their bits fell to the floor, the members of NUBI, dumbest of the dumb and the lowest form of scum; so low they need a scope to see a hazard worms testicles, came and tried to draw their name in the gore. Of course as every sane person knows, you cannot draw in gore that has dried on the wall and fallen to the floor, its just not maleable enough. You have to add water to get a nice paste going and .... (the author of this section was fired from NERD for suspicion of being a malevolent crackhead in hiding.)

    Anyway (new writer here) the contingent, upon respawning in Plaza 3 found some flyers hanging off of a copbots pants. The flyer offered good paying work and long term employment to any runner or runners that could properly and professionally fulfill the requirements. Those present decided that this was their big chance to show just what kind of ASSES they really were.

    It was also a turn of good fortune that the jobs were being offered by N.E.X.T, proud ally of the Fallen Angels for over 6 weeks (and only fourth on the 'Killed our Security Bots' tally, which was nice of them). The interview process was long and difficult. Only four members of ASS were able to get jobs with N.E.X.T. Their tales are long and full of woe, but one in particular needs to be pointed out.

    * * * This is a pre-recorded message from N.E.X.T. We thank you for offering your services to NEXT and hope you will enjoy working for our great corporation. Please remember that at all times, you must bear the NEXT insignia on your work gear, to gain access to NEXT restricted areas. No chewing, smoking, PK'ing or lotion filled diapers will be allowed during work hours. Feel free to sing during your work, but do not start thinking that you have talent. And once again, thank you for assisting NEXT * * *

    "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." Wannabe thought as he began his first day on the job.

    Wannabe's first assignment was maintenance work on the Subway system corridors for the Hovercabs. Normally this work is reserved for specialists, as it can be tricky with the cabs always in action, but thankfully, Wannabe had been assigned to the reconstruction of one of the older lines, not currently in use. Some rumour-mongering had made mention that it was the opening to the old Subway that lead to Dome of York, but naturally Wannabe shrugged that one off. Travel between Neocron and Dome of York had been, well, impossible. There were no recorded crossings for as long as any ASS could recall.

    Wannabe had been stuck in a sling, hanging from the ceiling on a pulley of sorts, sliding just above the magnetized floor for over 6 hours now. The floor itself wasn't lethal, but if you were carrying tools around and stepped onto the floor, you'd never get off it again. He slid along to the next section and began fusion-welding the covering plates back into place. Apparently this section had suffered numerous field failures, causing the cabs to dip or even collide with the surface during their active time. So after checking the wiring, conducting power tests (which after the third electric shock, Wannabe decided to use the tool they gave him rather than his tongue) and then resealing the corridor plates. After a while the relative silence, with the only sounds being his fusion-welder and the occasional passing cab noise from down the corridor. To aleviate the dreaded silence, Wannabe took the auto-messages advice and decided to sing.

    "Wannabe, Mr. Wannabe, he's the greatest guy in history....
    From the... heart of TH, he's about to make some big moneeey."

    "If you're Wanna and you know it weld this plate.
    If you're Wanna and you know it weld this plate.
    If you're Wanna and you're knowing, and the shocks have got you glowin,
    If you're Wanna and you know it weld this... aggies arm?"

    (Note: when welding in the abandoned sections of Neocron's subways, its best to keep your eyes on exposed manhole's as Aggressors and Mutants occasionally attempt to invade the city through there. And should this happen, one should not weld their gun arm to the floor. Thank you for listening. This message was brought to you by the kind people at NERD).

    After Wannabe had been strangled to death by the angry aggressor, and had ressurected at a nearby generep, Wannabe returned and made short work of the Aggressor (and we really mean 'short work'. He closed the manhole cover and severed its lower torso off). Then he returned to work. Things were going smoothly till he heard a squeek. Wannabe looked up at his pulley and the wheels, but they were not moving. He shrugged it off and went back to work. Then the squeek came again. He looked up but saw nothing. Then he heard the squeek again, but this time from below him. He spun around to see a Giant Sewer Rat, grinning at him like Shodough right before he lets one go, tail wrapped around a loose part of his work gear, towing him out onto the main track. Wannabe scrambled, them shrieked, then threw things at the rat. But it was all for nothing. The rat sent Wannabe careering into the main Hovercab pipeline. Wannabe had 4 seconds to watch the oncoming cab before becoming pasted onto the windscreen. (For those who want to know what that might look like.... just look at Wannabe's forum avatar *g*). Wannabe felt at peace. He could feel nothing below the neck, and figured he would just slip into death quietly... till.
    "NOOOO. I R L33t. ONLYZ I IZ GETZ TO RIDEZ ON OUTSIZE OF CAB. YOU SUXX0R BI47CH. Yes... precious..." Sid seemed to be having a conniption fit inside his seat. Wannabe pleaded for death to come sooner, but apparently Megaman was having a beer.

    After 6 painful days of blood and toil, and 17 work related deaths due to everything from bad wiring, PK'ing in Pepper Park Subway station, angry mutants crawling through the floor and the rather painful incident where he had to really go and pee'd on an active power conduit, Wannabe had finally punched out at the end of the day and would finally get paid. His consolation was that the NEXT flyer had not been an exageration. For just six days solid labour, Wannabe had earned 600k. Apparently Hovercab maintenance pays a high premium in hazard pay to avoid litigation. Absolved from his pain and ready to take a good long rest, Wannabe was wondering if anyone would be around, when Officer Jenna of NCPD came walking past.

    "Hi, looks like you've had a rough day."
    "You could say that." Wannabe replied.
    "I did say that."
    "Oh... kay..."
    "So listen, Sypher's Cafe's not far from here, wanna come with and get a drink. I won't even frisk you, unless you want me to." Now Wannabe was a subtle man, often inclined not to show exactly what was on his mind. Unfortunately body language is another matter and Officer Jenna needed no verbal response to know what the answer was.

    But then, from the Mystic realm of the Avatarless came a giant hand, grabbing Wannabe by the hair and dragging him towards a portal to that dark and macabre realm.
    "Wanna, what do you think you're doing???" Wannabe's Avatarless Fiance' dragged him through the portal back into the Mystic Realm of the Real, where for 3 days he underwent torment that no editor would ever allow us to write here.

    The moral of the story: The pain of working is far far less than the pain of flirting.

    Until next time...

  15. #15
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    I had written 11 episodes since just before Xmas till now. I am working on a batch of 4 more issues which should be out some time this week.

    Some of them contain songs and I'm trying to see if we can get them made into mp3's first.

    Upcoming episodes will include, the new name for ASS, the introduction of Megaman as a more important character, GM corruption and a few other goodies.

    Anyway, back to writing....

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