Sexy twisted stories- The Complete Masterworks

[Hell-demon]

Ladies and germs I present to you the complete collection of my writing. I've been writing stories for Nc on and off for a year now.


This is where my past writings will be kept and any other stories I create will be posted here after a time.


So let's start with my first twisted piece of writing, Jake Hard which spawned into a series of stories. Jake Hard, the name, was derived from a video game called Angel Devoid in which you the player travel around a cyber punk world as Mr. Hard with a face of a wanted criminal. I figured Jake Hard would be an ideal name for a frustrated trying to be cool detective.

But where did the idea of this sexually frustrated detective come from?

I was doing my GCSE's at the time and we were told in an English class to write a short story about a detective. I'm a twisted fuck so Jake Hard was spawned in only a few hours. It was praised well at my school, so I added a Neocron tint to it and posted it here.

I didn't stop there. Neocron has so many possibilities for stories. So I kept writing on.


So I present to you Jake Hard Sexually Frustrated Private Eye

[Hell-demon]

The neon lights of the Pepper Park red light district glistened in the foreboding night sky. One Jake Hard Private Detective looked upon this seedy site from his crummy little office high above the streets in a run down housing complex. Jake sat down in his hard leather back chair and put a cigarette to his lips, which dangled precariously. He put his hands through his jet-black shiny hair and rummaged through his desk drawers. In one of them he found a pair of socks, which he promptly stuffed down his crotch to make him look that extra bit manlier.

Jake specialised in cases involving couples that suspected their partners of cheating. But being a detective is a lonely job. He was tired of seeing the usual saggy middle-aged women wanting him to spy on their old impotent husbands. For once he wanted a young, firm breasted gorgeous woman to waltz into his office. Jake wanted a woman. A real one, not like that blow up sex doll he had stashed in his office stock cupboard for those lonely nights. He wanted to spend the night with a lady having hot sweaty sex and breaking the odd bedspring in the process. His fantasy was halted by a knock at the door.

The door opened and in walked a beautiful woman with bazookas for breasts, long flowing hair and a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. Jake clenched his buttocks in excitement.

“Are you Jake Hard?” asked the woman.

“Who’s askin’?” said Jake trying to keep his cool and not trying to seem desperate. Even though he had a pair of socks stuffed down his boxers to make his penis look big.

“My name is Janet Sexington and I need your help. I think my husband is seeing another woman.”

“Of course ma’am. Your husband is one sick puppy if he’s willin’ to give up a gorgeous gal like you” Jake said with a tender smile.

Janet blushed, sat down and fidgeted in her chair. Jake moved himself closer to his desk trying to conceal the erection that was bursting out of his trousers. Jake was mesmerised by her canyon of a cleavage.

“This means a lot to me Mr. Hard thank you” Janet said with a slightly flirtatious look on her face.

Jake could see what was going to happen already. He would solve the case; he’d catch the husband in the act, show photos to Janet, she’d cry on his shoulder, they’d get close and spend the rest of the night having dirty sex on his office desk. Nothing could go wrong.

“I don’t have much money but maybe I could pay you some other way,” Janet said winking.

“YAHOO” thought Jake he knew he was going to get a shag now. But he still tried to act cool and calm. Jake tried to keep his nerve. When it came to women Jake found it really difficult to seduce them without them vomiting or getting into fits of laughter. Theres was only one woman who truly understood him and she needed a puncture repair kit every now and then.

“Well Ill do anything for a lady” Said Jake.

Janet giggled.

“Oh I’m not a lady I’m a transvestite”

Jake shot himself.

[Hell-demon]

The jet-black sky streaked across the city of Neocron masking its nightlife. The tall dark City Administration building loomed over its citizens, its dark enforcement making the inhabitants avoid it all costs. Except for the man dressed in a nurse outfit with a drink bottle attached to his bum that read, “Squeeze for sex” but he was crazy.

Deep inside the building the gene replicator whirred, the copbots and other members of City Admin including the work experience boy who made the tea, watched in anticipation. And out of the gene replicator came forth Jake Hard, Private Detective. A member of Admin approached him.

“Ah Mr. Hard allow me to introduce myself I’m inspector Kum, you have been replicated because you have died. You shot yourself apparently according to a transvestite…”

A copbot giggled.

“Errr yes anyway you should have some mild dizziness seeing as every single part of you has been put together”

“Every single part?” Said Jake.

He quickly looked down his trousers. It was all there just like he remembered; in fact the sock was still there. He sighed with relief, and adjusted his detective badge to cover the gravy stain on his shirt.

“I suppose I should tell you why you are here. We need your help in an unusual case. We’ve seen your profile of cases…that erm intrigue us. You see there has been a murder in hacknet”

Inspector Kum flipped through Jake’s profile of case files and handed them to a copbot. The copbot flipped through the pages excitedly looking at the pictures of naked people caught in the act.

“Sir I think Ill go examine these pictures in detail in the men’s room” said the Copbot before running off.

Inspector Kum lead Jake down the winding corridors to the interrogation rooms. Jake was still shook up about the transvestite; with his keen inspection skills he should of noticed the facial hair. But he did not and that worried him like the thought of getting a sexual disease before a porn party. Jake and Inspector Kum stopped just outside an interrogation room.

“Mr. Hard we haven’t had much luck with this witness. The man who was murdered was a Dr. Dildonic, his research assistant, Dr. Pimple saw him enter hacknet and checked the hacknet logs shortly after. I doubt you’ll have much look with him.” Said Inspector Kum.

“Ill crack him, like I crack walnuts against my thick skull. Ill make this piggy squeal” Said Jake putting a mean look on his face. Inspector Kum frowned at him. Jake entered the room and Kum lingered outside. Inside the room Dr. Pimple was hunched up by a desk that was dimly lit by a light hanging above it. Jake hit his head on the light.

Jake knew that he had to play it cool and be mean and calculating. He pulled up his shirtsleeves whilst removing the packet of dusty old unused condoms he had stashed up there. He lit a cigarette, put it to his mouth and pulled up a chair towards the desk. He breathed out smoke. Dr. Pimple started to wince.

“Okay Doc. You listen to me. I ask the questions and you answer. Don’t bullshit me or Ill send you to MC5 to be some big mommas bitch. Okay tell me what happened” Jake looked at Dr. Pimple with fire in his eyes.

Dr. Pimple opened his mouth.

“Teh n00b went to haxx0r net to download teh pron and got pwned!”

Jake’s eyes widened with confusion. Kum came into the room and stood next to Jake.

“See chief we cant get much sense out of him. He’s a hack kiddie, everything he says is elite hack shit.” Said Kum

Jake sighed, got out of his seat and adjusted the sock in his crotch region. Jake and Kum left the room. They went to the next interrogation room and Kum handed Jake a bunch of photos of Dr. Dildonic. Jake put them in his breast pocket that was nicely accompanied by his packet of condoms.

“Jake these photos are of Dr. Dildonic. We have someone in custody that might know what happened. Her name is Lydia Ryder, she’s a lap dancer at Twister a good one too..I mean Ive heard she is..cause..er…” Kum stopped mid flow.

“ Look we know she was in contact with him the night before he went to hacknet. See what you can find out about them. She’s very feisty; most of us here at Admin have interrogated her. Hell a storm bot managed to interrogate her twice in one night. She’s probably not the type you’re used to dealing with. Meaning she’s not a chick with an extra appendage or whatever your clientele are.” Said Kum.

Kum went down a corridor leading to his office. Jake braced himself. This was it. A young woman who was energetic and didn’t need duct tape if she got torn. He had to remain calm. He thought to himself, “Maybe one more sock down there will help” but dismissed it. He opened the door and walked into the room.

There sitting at a desk was the attractive Lydia. Her long shiny hair flowed near her large smooth breasts. Her luscious pouting lips were begging to be kissed. She moved her hands down to her beautiful legs that were covered in fishnet stockings. She then moved her hands near her breasts and ran a finger down her blouse. Her eyes made contact with Jakes eye’s and he prematurely ejaculated.

Jake stood near the desk. He was shaking and sweating and mentally undressing Lydia.

“I’m Hard” said Jake

“I’m sure you are” said Lydia smiling.

“Er..I mean detective Hard”

Jake reached into his breast pocket.

“Tell me do these mean anything to you”

“Yes there a packet of condoms” said Lydia

“OH CRAP!” exclaimed Jake realising he had taken his condoms out by mistake and not the photos. He quickly took out the photos and placed them on the desk.

“Miss did you know this man?” said Jake trying to relax.

“Yes he was my husband. Albert was a brilliant man, and he was an excellent lover too. He died so young, 58…and he’s gone. His research project was just about to pay off too” said Lydia forlorn.

“What was your husband working on miss?” asked Jake

“A powerful form of viagra”

Jake’s sock fell out of his unzipped flies and onto the desk.

[Hell-demon]

Deep inside the dark foreboding City Admin building the copbots attended to their duties. They were eagerly watching the interrogation that Jake Hard, Private Detective was conducting. The light in the interrogation room flickered occasionally bringing very little illumination to the sterile cold room. The faint buzzing of the light could be heard. But this sound was interrupted by the sound of Jake accidentally knocking a glass of water over with his erection.

Jake tried to focus on the task at hand and not at Lydia Ryder’s ample breasts. His erection was now plaguing his mind. He had to get rid of it to look professional, he thought to himself “Ok Jake think none sexy thoughts, dead puppies, grandma naked…er Neofrag, yeah that’s boring only highlight of the red light district apart from the sex…oh crap”. He decided to grab a seat and continue to question.

“So miss you say your husband was working on viagra. What research does he do on it?” asked Jake.

“Well Mr. Hard he was working on a powerful form of viagra. With one pill an erection could be sustained for 24 hours with no loss even after sex. This pill is extremely powerful and could make you harder than a gene tank in a gun store. I think his research is to do with his death” said Lydia.

“Why would someone kill a man over viagra?”

“Albert had made some enemies in his business, mostly impotent people who wanted the viagra. But it was too unstable and experimental for consumer use. Also the Tsunami Syndicate had got involved”

The Tsunami Syndicate. Jake knew them well; in the sense he had rented an adult holo disc from them a year back and never returned it. And now theses porn peddlers had their eyes set on a lucrative drug they could use in their business.

“So maybe Tsunami killed your husband” said Jake bluntly.

“Most likely, he was visited by the boss of Tsunami, Madame Veronique on the night. They met up, had a few drinks, started talking and then it slipped out”

“I hate it when that happens”

“No I mean his researched slipped out. Anyway he refused the drug to them telling them it was too powerful. Madame Veronique did not like this and threatened him. He came home quite worried. Then later he went to hacknet to download certain material for his research. And then he was murdered”

Lydia slumped back in her chair. In doing so her breasts jiggled making Jake lose concentration and making him fall out his chair. He got back up.

“Please Mr. Hard find the killers and bring justice. Not just for Admin but for me” said Lydia

Jake nodded and turned to face the door, knocking the glass of water over with his erection again in the process. He walked out the room with an unusually eager storm waiting outside. Jake took the gravity lift down to level one where he was greeted by Inspector Kum.

“Hey there chief! We just erected your new office here at City Admin, we brought most of the stuff from your old office here” said Kum.

“ Er most of my stuff…does that include the..”

“Inflatable sex doll with the name tag saying Sandra on it. Yep.”

Jake looked down at his shoes trying to avoid Kum’s gaze. Jake hastily grabbed the case file from Kum and hurried off to his office. When Jake got into the office he saw it was very oppressive. It had a pot plant and a clean shiny desk. It wasn’t like his old office; there were no dead gold fish, no pin up posters and no mini fridge to store his underwear. He sat down at his desk. He opened one of the desk drawers. Something was missing, but what? Then he pulled out a pair of socks out of his pocket and put them in the drawer. Jake liked to be prepared.

Jake opened the stock cupboard and there was Sandra the sex doll. The one thing he could depend on, well occasionally she had been known to deflate. But Jake couldn’t stop thinking about Lydia. She had big breasts, and in Jake’s book that made her a priority. He had to solve the case and had to have hot sweaty sex. Jake decided to get in contact with someone inside Tsunami. Unfortunately Jake didn’t like this person.

But Jake decided to contact one Lorenzo Thrust, or as he was known to the ladies “The future of karma sutra”. Jake hated Lorenzo he was his all time enemy, but if Jake had to make a big breasted dancer happy by contacting him then that’s what he’d do. He would arrange to meet Lorenzo in the Pussy club. Jake would be able to arrange a meeting with Madame Veronique at Tsunami head quarters. He would then sneak into her office and gather any info on Dr. Dildonic. It was full proof, well in Jakes mind at least.

Jake had to solve the case, he needed to. He was driven to succeed not only by his penis but his heart as well. He would solve a decent case, he wouldn’t have to spy on people having sex, although he didn’t see it as a bad thing. Jake put on his leather jacket, loaded his gun and stuck an extra woolly sock down his trousers. He was ready to do a good job. His attention soon disappeared.

Sandra had deflated again.

[Hell-demon]

Neon signs lit up the filthy rubbish strewed streets of Pepper Park. It was home to prostitutes and gangsters. Local junkies could be seen loitering the streets in look of a fix. Everything was how it should be, apart from the copbot buying a copy of “Dirty Droms 2”.

Jake Hard strolled down the streets in search of the infamous Pussy club. It is there where he would meet Lorenzo. He noticed the cop bot trying to conceal his porn. He walked up to the copbot. He was surprised that a copbot would buy porn let alone be able to use it.

“Hi there you wouldn’t know where the Pussy club is would ya?” said Jake

“It’s just down that streets and near a gravity lift. Hey aren’t you that new detective?”

“Yeah why do you ask?”

“That woman you were interrogating she’s apparently gone missing. Admin came by her apartment and she was nowhere to be found. Real shame too me and my team were gonna interrogate her. We hear she’s pretty good” said the copbot looking at the box art of “Dirty Droms 2”

Jake had a strange feeling in his gut. It may have been indigestion, but he also knew that Tsunami could have kidnapped her. He didn’t have time to chat with the perverted copbot with a drom fetish he needed to solve the case and fast. Jake said good-bye to the copbot and ran towards the Pussy club. Jake entered the club.

Inside the club was the usual array of girls flaunting their naked bodies and providing services like lap dances a midst the dimly lit, cruddy room. Jake tried to play it cool and casually walked to the bar. He noticed that Lorenzo was here. He was there with a group of attractive ladies comprised of some blonde twins, a red headed dominatrix and a woman dressed as a cheerleader with the number 69 scrawled on her outfit. Jake was transfixed on them, so much so he didn’t look where he was walking and went face first into a dancer’s vagina. Lorenzo had noticed him.

“Well if it isn’t Jake Hard On! Heh heh what’s a dip shit like you doing her? Apart from making a fool of him self” shouted Lorenzo, his groupies now giggling and getting close to him. Jake walked up to Lorenzo.

“Trust me I’m no dip shit Lorenzo. I’m a pretty good detective. In fact I helped president Lioon Reza uncover that affair his wife was having with those two lesbian goth chicks and a drom. But what about you what have you done?”

“I’ve had sex with lots of hot women”

The room went silent.

“Lorenzo I’m here because I want to meet up with Madame Veronique. I think she might be involved in viagra” said Jake.

“Viagra…ha ha! What’s the matter Jake you cant live up to your name? Ha ha! I bet you stick socks down your trousers!”

The group of girls laughed. Jake went coy and backed away slightly.

“Listen Lorenzo I’m not afraid to use force to get somewhere” said Jake sternly.

“Oh really?”

Lorenzo pulled out his ultra powerful cursed soul plasma cannon. It had an extra damage boost modifier, laser sight, leather studded strap, range amplifiers and a neat little built in mp3 player. The ladies gasped and started to caress his big gun, his plasma cannon that is.

“Show me what you got” taunted Lorenzo.

Jake pulled out his small Wyatt Earp pistol. The barrel fell off.

The room went silent again. Then everyone laughed at Jake.

“Hey it’s not the size that counts its how you use it! Look Lorenzo just arrange a meeting” shouted Jake.

“Heh heh okay man. Just don’t shoot me with your peashooter. Ill tell her to meet you at club Veronique.”

Jake stormed out the club.

On the way to club Veronique Jake kept thinking about Lydia. Tsunami had probably kidnapped her seeing as she knew Dr. Dildonic. If he could find her then maybe she would think he was heroic and offer sex as a reward. Jake was feeling comfortable with this thought, in fact there was a little bounce in his step as he walked towards club Veronique.

As Jake entered club Veronique he found it strangely deserted. This was unusual because he was wearing deodorant. The club was looking pretty gloomy. He looked at the bar and thought, “Maybe a nice whisky will help this investigation”. But suddenly as he approached the bar two big men grabbed him by the arms. Lorenzo rose up from behind the bar.

“How ya doing detective dumb fuck! Heh heh bet you never saw this bitch. Madame Veronique doesn’t like you snooping in her business.” Said Lorenzo pulling out a nail gun.

Jake struggled to get free of Lorenzo’s goons but it was futile.

“Me and a couple of the boys decided to kidnap your lady friend” said Lorenzo with a smile.

“You mean…”
“Yes Sandra the sex doll”

One of Lorenzo’s goons brought Sandra to the bar.

“Lorenzo you sick bastard just you wait!” shouted Jake.

Lorenzo pointed the nail gun at Sandra. He fired and a nail shot through her head and stuck her to the wall of the bar. She slowly deflated.

“Woops look like I nailed your girlfriend” said Lorenzo smirking.

Lorenzo walked up to Jake and pointed the gun at Jake’s head. The goons held on to Jake tighter as he struggled. Jake now realised he was a dead man. He just wished he could pay he respects to Sandra the inflatable sex doll. Lorenzo’s finger tightly gripped the trigger of the nail gun.

But just as Lorenzo was about to pull the trigger the front door of club Veronique blew open. In came Lydia dressed with a large ammo belt round her and two semi automatic Uzi’s in both hands. She fired wildly at the goons and ripped them to shreds making a new red paint job for the club. Lorenzo hid behind a table trying to avoid the fire. Jake was unharmed but slightly fazed. Lydia rushed over to Jake.

“Are you okay?” asked Lydia

“Er fine”

Lorenzo came out of hiding and pointed the gun at Lydia. Lydia quickly ran over to him and promptly kicked him square in the testicles. This brought back memories of singing soprano at school to Lorenzo. Lorenzo collapsed whilst firmly holding onto his genitals. It would be at least a month for the swelling to go down and to actually find his testicles.

“Come on we have to get to the Madame Veronique’s office” said Lydia grabbing Jake by the arm.

“Wait how did you know where to find me?” asked Jake.

“Well I knew you were on the case and I wanted to help you so I got Dr. Pimple to track you down and keep tabs on you”

“Dr. Pimple? But how did you persuade that guy to do that. He’s a hacker you can barely get any sense out of him”

“Oh I just gave him what every hacker dreams about. Oral sex”

Jake and Lydia moved briskly through the club and reached an elevator which lead to Madame Veronique’s office and penthouse. They stepped in side and took it to the top floor, while the elevator played crappy music. Once there Lydia shot down the security guards patrolling the area. Jake timidly stepped out the elevator.

“Wow you sure have a lot of weaponry” said Jake.

“Lets just say I like to be prepared” said Lydia.

“ Tell me about I stuck a woolly sock down my trousers”

“Er what?”

“Er..that’s er…detective speak for er…brought my er pistol”

“Oh funny thing to say. Anyway Im going to search her penthouse, Ill see if I can find anything there. I want you to go search her office. Be careful Mr. Hard”

Jake nodded and they went there separate ways. Jake was quick to find her office although his first attempt made him wind up in a utility room. He thought the mop was pleased to see him. He slowly crept inside the office and found that Madame Veronique was not home. Also the computer had been left on. Jake was sure to find evidence here. He looked at the computer screen. But to his horror it needed a password in order for him to log on. Jake needed to think hard about this, he had to think logical. What type of password would a businesswoman use? He had to be quick.

He typed password as the password. It logged him on.

On Madame Veronique’s computer he had stumbled on a mother lode of evidence. This was like finding the missing link in the apartment opposite your own with the fountain of youth and proof of God’s existence. Well to Jake it was. On the computer he found the evil schemes Madame Veronique had been planning. Things like prostitution, murders, drug dealing and a contract with a company called “click2play”. After much searching he had found what he was looking for; a murder contract on Dr. Dildonic and the viagra formula as well. But strangely there were also weapon plans. Weapons and viagra somehow didn’t mix in Jakes mind.

A sharp blow hit Jake from behind, he collapsed and blacked out.

Which was good because he penis hit a nail sticking out of a floorboard.

[Hell-demon]

The industrial sector of Neocron is known by some and not at all by others. The faint smell of ash lingered in every crevice of this fragile place. Deep below the sector was a secret Tsunami prison. Ruthless people were crammed in their cells, alone in the dark and isolated from the outside world. It was a dark sanctuary to them, but they were prisoners. One of the prisoners knew this quite well a flung a turd at an inmate in the opposite cell from his.

In one of the cells was Jake Hard, Private Detective. After regaining consciousness from the blow that struck his head he soon realised he was imprisoned. He was trapped like a pubic hair between someone’s teeth right after oral sex. But he also realised he was not alone. Lydia was in the cell with him along with an elderly yet handsome man huddled in the corner of the cell.

“Who are you?” asked Jake

“My name is Dr. Albert Dildonic. My wife Lydia has told me all about you”

“Dr. Dildonic? But you were murdered”

“Indeed I was. But Tsunami decided to gene replicated me to help them in their diabolical research. I’m partly responsible for all this mess. I should of never dabbled in sexual research. Now Madame Veronique has us imprisoned because we know of her plans” said Dr. Dildonic grimly.

“I don’t understand why Tsunami would gene replicate you to continue research into viagra. They already have the formula from what I’ve seen”

“Oh its much more than that. Madame Veronique has developed a weapon of mass destruction from my research. She’s trying to harness the power of sex”

Jake looked at him with a confused expression. Things still didn’t add up. But he decided to listen to Dr. Dildonic; especially since a big hairy guy opposite the cell they were in was calling to him for some “lovin’”.

“Please doc continue” said Jake.

“Well my boy my viagra is powerful. Meaning a large build of sexual energy can be produced. With the destructive device Madame Veronique has developed she can transform this energy into a weapon. You see detective she can hold Neocron ransom. She has already worked on her list of demands for Admin” said Dr. Dildonic

Lydia who was sitting on the floor rose to feet.

“If we want to stop her we have to escape from this cell first” said Lydia.

Jake nodded in agreement. Quite enthusiastically because that big man in the opposite cell was starting to undress. Then a bright idea struck Dr. Dildonic’s brilliant and sexual mind.

“Well I think I might be able to break us out. You see to pay the bills I also got into the implanting business. And my last client wanted breast implants, fortunately she never showed up for the operation. I still have the silicon breast implants in my pocket”

“That’s great Doc but how does that help us?” said Jake.

“Well you see my boy silicon breast implants are actually highly explosive. We can use these to blow the cell door right off” said Dr. Dildonic reaching into his pocket.

Dr. Dildonic stuck the breast implants to the hinges of the cell door. Everything was in place. Jake rummaged through his pockets and found his trusty lighter. Dr. Dildonic lit the implants and him; Jake and Lydia crammed them themselves to the far end of the cell. The silicon implants were starting to get explosive.

And in one almighty explosion the cell door was blown off. And to Jake’s happy surprise the door had flung into the opposite cell killing the big hairy pervert.

“Mr. Hard I’m going to have to find the weapons control room in order to shut it down. It won’t be long till the Tsunami realise we have escaped. We need to act quickly in order to stop Madame Veronique” said Dr. Dildonic.

Now Jake’s case was getting more important. He was charged with the task of saving Neocron from complete sexual destruction. But he knew in his mind he was a man of principal and a man of dignity.

An inmate threw a turd at him.

[Hell-demon]

Below the surface of the industrial sector was a terrible device. A huge monolith of a destructive weapon that could destroy whole cities and reduce them to dust. It was huge, dark and throbbing with power. It made Jake feel quite inadequate. Him and Lydia and Dr. Dildonic were on ground floor of the weapon. They gazed up in awe at it. But Jake focused on the porn dungeon located near it.

“There it is. A weapon that can transform sexual energy into a destructive force. And I helped Tsunami build it” exclaimed Dr. Dildonic.

“You didn’t have to make it Albert” said Lydia.

“Oh but I had to my dear. They threatened to hunt down and kill you if I didn’t comply. I built it for you…..that’s why it’s strangely shaped like a phallus”

Jake was now heading towards the porn dungeon. Inside he found whips, spanking paddles, vibrators, mud wrestling pit and a copy of play drom. Jake wondered why on earth there would be a porn dungeon near a weapon of mass destruction.

“Hey doc why is there a…porn dungeon near the weapon?” asked Jake.

“Ah quite simple my boy. Madame Veronique built it to create sexual frustration to charge up the weapon. When the sexual frustration is released the sexual energy will become a powerful weapon. The device relies on a person to be inside the holding chamber located at the bottom of the weapon. When the person releases sexual energy they will manifest destruction on a sexual level!” said Dr. Dildonic.

The alarms in the facility started to sound. Dr. Dildonic grabbed Lydia, where as Jake grabbed a sock and put it down his trousers. It was time to finish this. Dr. Dildonic ran up to Jake.

“We don’t have much time. Jake I need you to be in that chamber. I can make your sexual energy collapse the weapon’s internal power drives. In other words we are going to use your sexual frustration to destroy this device” Said Dr. Dildonic.

“Woah doc I think you got me all wrong” replied Jake.

“What are you talking about man your perfect! Lydia has told me all about you and how horny you are. Look at yourself you put socks down your trousers to make yourself look like you have a big penis! You want to have sex with my wife too your even looking at her now!”

Jake looked down at his shoes. But in his mind he knew Dr. Dildonic was right. All his life he had sexual frustration built up inside him. He thought it was a curse, but now it seemed like a gift. With his sexual energy he could save Neocron. His penis would save millions.

“Listen Jake I’m going to take the elevator to the control room. Ill program it to use your sexual energy to over load it. I’m counting on you. We all are” said Dr. Dildonic

“But how do you know this will work doc?” replied Jake.
“Ha! I designed this thing. In fact the whole operating system uses some old 21st century software called “Windows XP” it’s bound to crash the whole system.”

Dr. Dildonic ran to the elevator and took it to the control room. There he frantically typed gibberish into the computer. Jake stepped into the chamber. Lydia approached him.

“Hey Lydia you better get to a safe spot, who knows what could happen. Besides Tsunami guards will be here any minute” said Jake glumly.

“Mr. Hard I just wanted to wish you good luck and to show you these..” said Lydia removing her top and showing her firm, round, perfect breasts. The device charged up. Dr. Dildonic turned on the microphone in the control room.

“Lydia what the hell did you do?! There’s an influx of power this things going critical! My word there’s so much sexual energy it can’t be contained! Quickly get up here where its safe!” cried Dr. Dildonic.

Lydia ran to the elavator and got inside. Meanwhile the device was getting really juiced up, so was Jake but that’s a little too much information. Sparks were now exploding from the side. Jake was caught in a complete electro static field that have been created in the chamber. He was shaking all over and more electricity and sparks appeared. The device whirred and churned more power that was building up in the fusion reactors. The blast doors of the silo where the weapon was opened and Tsunami guards poured in.

And then that’s when it happened. Jake came.

“OH SHI…”

Suddenly a huge streak of lightning shot out from the chamber instantly frying the guards. The monolith of a weapon exploded at the sides as pure sexual energy burst at the seems. Jake was pouring out power and creating huge amounts of electricity. Finally the device exploded in a shower of electricity and sparks. The blast ripped through the windows of the control room throwing Lydia and Dr. Dildonic across the room. Luckily they were okay. They took the elevator to ground level.

Amongst the rubble, dust, electrical sparks and the odd bit of semen lay Jake on the floor. Lydia rushed to his aid and nestled his head on her soft warm breasts.

“Jake are you okay?” she whispered in his ear.

Jakes eyes opened and focused his eyes on Lydia. He opened his mouth.

“I….I..really need a cigarette”

When Jake had gained his strength they decided to get out the facility. It wouldn’t be long till City Admin would be here alerted by the explosion. The trio slowly made their way through the porn dungeon to get out the facility. Dr. Dildonic was helping Jake walk seeing as he was a bit tired. That was until a big spanking paddled whacked Jake in the face. The owner of it was the infamous Madame Veronique with fury in her eyes and a spanking paddle in her hands. Jake tried to get back on his feet.

“You miserable worm! Ruining my plans of destruction!” exclaimed Madame Veronique.

“You bitch!” yelled Lydia as she pounced on Madame Veronique and hauled her across the dungeon and into the mud-wrestling pit.

The two of them wrestled each other and moaned. They furiously tore off each other’s clothes and tried to pin each other down but this only lead to more clothes being torn and more squirming. Each time they tried to grab hold of one another their firm, smooth breasts collided together. The eroticism of it all left Jake and Dr. Dildonic in a complete trance like state. Minutes later City Admin arrived and entered the porn dungeon. The team was being lead by Inspector Kum.

One of the copbots found the trio as well as Madame Veronique. A copbot alerted Inspector Kum.

“Sir I found Madame Veronique and Lydia Ryder they appear to be doing some sort of exercise…err Im not sure. And Jake Hard and Dr. Dildonic are here but they seem to have been hypnotised by Tsunami. Well it appears that way.”

“Excellent work. Cant wait to read Jakes report” Said Kum.

Later that day at the City Administration Jake filed his report and stamped it “case closed”. His report made interesting reading for Kum. And the copbots highlighted the description of the porn dungeon in the report and stuck it in the men’s lavatory for some reason. Jake was proud of his work, but decided to head back to his old life of being a Private Eye who spied on people. And so after debriefing Kum he headed to his office and packed his things in a cardboard box. But just as he was about to walk out, Lydia came in.

“Oh hi Lydia how ya doin’?” said Jake

“Im fine, just came to say thanks for all you’ve done. I mean if you hadn’t tried to solved this case I wouldn’t of been able to follow your leads and get captured and find Albert”

“So your back with Albert then. You must be really happy”

“We are. He’s thinking of retiring and were going to go live in a luxurious apartment in Via Rosso. If it wasn’t for you and your sex starved mind we would of never got this far. Thank you Mr. Hard”

“Please call me Jake”

Lydia gave him a peck on the cheeked and she walked out his office. Jake waved her goodbye. Jake found it typical that he never got the girl in the end. Just once he would like to have sex with a beautiful woman. Guess he was going to have to buy a new sex doll.
As Jake walked out his office a copbot approached him.

“Excuse me Mr. Hard there’s a lady here to see you at reception. She’s quite a looker too” said the copbot.

Maybe things were looking up for Jake. He briskly took the gravity lift down to reception. And that’s when he was greeted by an all too familiar person.

“MR. HARD! ITS ME JANET SEXINGTON THE TRANSVESTITE! IM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!”

Jake shot himself.

The End

[Hell-demon]

Another story was created and I put fans of my works in my own stories, I'm just THAT nice. Sadly due to teh nature of my stories no one wants to be in my stories any more.

With my bad grammar and twisted mind in full flow I wrote Jake Hard and the Clitoris of Ceres, which I submit to you.

[Hell-demon]

The dark sky drenched Neocron and flickers of lightning arched its way over the city. The rain poured down heavily on the huge crowd that was now building up outside the Neocron Museum of Unnatural History. The crowds were eager to get inside to look at the new addition to the museum so much so they trampled a blind person to death. But hey who cares.

Inside the museum was a new archaeological discovery. One shrouded in mystery and beauty. Archaeologists have no idea what secrets it holds only that it is a very strange jewel. A jewel known only as…The Clitoris of Ceres.

With the crowds subdued and seated inside the huge foyer of the museum and after a rather excited copbot was done frisking people and complimenting them on their asses, the unveiling of the Clitoris would commence. The curator of the museum, John Floppy, stood up to the podium and switched on the microphone to address the excited crowd. On the right of John was Miss Cherry Pop a very beautiful and gorgeous woman with a body built for bedrooms. She had bought the jewel in an auction but before she could keep it she had to agree that it must be shown to the public. And what girl doesn’t mind showing her clitoris to the public?

John spoke into the microphone.

“Ladies and Gentleman and the odd copbot who gets pleasure out of frisking people.”

The copbot nodded and continued harassing a museum security guard in a perverted fashion.

“I am proud to unveil the Clitoris of Ceres. A beautiful jewel found by archaeologists in an underground temple built by Ceres. We are not sure why Ceres had this jewel but there are theories. And now to unveil this beautiful sight.” said John pointing to a glass case with a red veil over it.

The copbot stopped groping a nearby spectator and strolled casually up to the case while pointing his fingers and nodding at the person he just frisked. He quickly pulled off the veil. The crowd gasped. The Clitoris of Ceres was not there.

“Woah its invisible” said the copbot.

“What! Where is it?!” exclaimed John.

“What’s going on?” asked Cherry Pop

“I can’t seem to find the clitoris” said John.

“I don’t expect you to know where the clitoris is you’re a man”

“No miss Pop I mean the Clitoris of Ceres..its..its gone missing!” shouted John.

Meanwhile in a seedy bar in Pepper Park a lone drinker was sat near the counter drinking his fifth whiskey. The gloomy lights reflected his mood of depression. But this one no ordinary drinker this was Jake Hard: Private Detective. He was a broken man after his last case.

Nothing could cheer him up. That was until an attractive lady sat next to him at the bar. She had a nice curvy body and breasts that seemed to be the equivalent of safety air bags. Jake stopped drinking at looked at this fine young lady, she was making eye contact and smiling and she was right next to him. Jake thought she might have poor eyesight but he dismissed this thought. He was very drunk but he still had to think of a way to compliment her that showed he was charming. He opened his mouth.

“YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!” Jake shouted.

“Erm…thanks” said the lady blushing.

Jake now promised himself that he wouldn’t let the booze talking. But seeing as the lady wasn’t faking a seizure to get out of talking with him, everything was going fine. He straightened his leather jacket and put on a smile.

“I’m a detective” Jake said smiling.

“Really what’s it like?” asked the lady.

“Oh its terrible…I mean in my last case I managed to lose a loved one.” Said Jake quite glum.

“Oh how horrible” said the lady sympathetically.

“Yeah she was the best damn inflatable sex doll I ever had”

The lady eyes widened with confusion. But she put a smile on her face.

“That’s a pretty funny joke” she said.

“Er..yeah…a joke…” said Jake smiling back.

Jake sipped his drink. The lady next to him was now playing with his thick black shiny hair. Jake tucked himself closer to the bar before his erection put the bar stool to shame.

“You’re a very cute detective you know that. What’s your name?” said the lady.

“Jake Hard. Very hard actually” Jake said blushing.

“How about you come to my apartment and you can do a private investigation” said the lady flirting.

“Er..okay…but…I still don’t know your name” said Jake.

The lady whispered in his ear.

“Its Brian”

[Hell-demon]

A storm was brewing in Neocron, the clouds turned grey and the rain was coming out the sky like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. In Pepper Park in a dilapidated housing complex, Jake Hard was in his office sleeping in his leather chair. A gust of wind awoke him from his slumber and he quickly closed a nearby open window. Fortunately for Jake he closed the window on the fingers of a mutant that was crawling up to his office to steal his holodisk of “When Droms Attack 3”. Jake went back to sleep in his chair and went into a deep sleep.

His office door was slammed opened by his ugly landlord. He was called Ugly Roy on the count of his ugliness and the fact that hates being called Roy. He was a bit mad that the door slamming hadn’t woke up Jake. He scratched his crotch, which was thankfully tucked away in his white worn out boxers. Ugly Roy was a slob he wore a grey vest with stains, lots of stains, in fact Jake was commissioned by a tenant once to figure out what the stains were but to no avail. Ugly Roy lit a cigar and blew smoke on Jake. Jake just murmured.

“Hey wake up you lazy bastard” said Roy shaking Jake.

Jake didn’t stir.

“Hey wake up asshole!” cried out Ugly Roy as he slapped Jake across the face.

“AH I SWEAR SHE WAS EIGHTEEN!” shouted Jake as he woke up. He looked around his office slightly dazed. Then he saw Ugly Roy towering above him. His ugly grimace definitely made him wide-awake now.

“Read this” said Ugly Roy handing Jake a tatty piece of paper.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake.

“You’re reading it upside down idiot”

Jake turned the paper the right way round.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake again.

“You see that asswipe? That’s the money you owe me. The money I need to tolerate your dumb ass in my fine establishment” said Ugly Roy pealing a bit of wallpaper off a nearby damp wall.

“Roy my man I’m good for the money, I just know that my next case is going to be a good one. I can feel it” said Jake trying to act cool.

“Bullshit! I’m tired of you and your excuses and your socks that you stick down your trousers to make ya dick look bigger!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Woah socks down my trousers? Lets not jump to conclusions” said Jake sneakily pulling out a sock from his trousers and putting it in one of his desk drawers.

“You’re out of here Jake. Pack your shit you’re gone. And I’m taking your copy of “When Droms Attack 3” too”

“Well can I least have my Wyatt Earp pistol back? You know the one you’ve been using as a paperweight.”

“Yeah sure that’s the only good thing it can be used for”

“Hey it’s a good gun in fact I shot someone last week with it”

“You shot yourself numb nuts”

“At least I shot someone” said Jake grinning.

And with those words Jake was kicked out of his office, which was also his home. He could no longer kip by radiator or fry rat burgers on his computer monitor. All he had was a box of crap and the cold streets. Things couldn’t get worse. Well actually they did as someone emptied a mini septic tank on him from one of the housing complexes.

The thunder roared above Jake has his depressingly walked the cold dark streets. Then a copbot approached him.

“Jake Hard?” asked the copbot in his metallic deep voice.

“Yes that’s me what do you want?” said Jake.

“Miss Cherry Pop would like to meet you on urgent business. I am ordered to take you to her” said the copbot.

“Er..who? okay…never mind lets just go.”

“Ok sir but before we go I’m going to have to frisk you first” said the copbot with a tinge of joy in his voice.

The copbot started to frisk Jake. Jake felt very uncomfortable but even more so when the copbot said:

“You know what you’ve got a nice ass”

[Hell-demon]

The Chez Cypher restaurant gave off a relaxing atmosphere and the patrons were happily eating their delicious and exquisite meals. They were all happy and laughing and all rich. They were joyous ignoring the storm and the homeless person mooning at them through a window. The voluptuous Cherry Pop was seated at a table alone with a faint candlelight as company. Until of course Jake Hard came in from the rain shivering and escorted by a copbot.

“Here is Jake Hard Miss Cherry. Want me to frisk him again?” said the copbot.

“NO!” shrieked Jake.

“No that’s quite alright. Leave us alone we have business to discuss.” Said Cherry Pop.

The copbot departed and Jake took a seat at the table. Cherry Pop smiled at him and Jake quickly zipped up his flies so the beast did not escape.

“Mr. Hard I want you to find my clitoris” said Cherry.

“Well I don’t hear that everyday. Wish I did though” said Jake.

“Mr. Hard I’ve read your case profile and its…interesting. Hence why you are suited for an interesting artifact known only as the Clitoris of Ceres.”

“Clitoris of wha?”

“Ceres. It was discovered in what we believe to be Ceres sex temple. A very long time ago Ceres had a sex temple built where the finest ladies would be presented, well the ones who still had their skin and not radiation burns. We have now deciphered ancient tablets found in the ruins and have discovered that it is at the temple that Ceres found love. She was a beautiful maiden and he wanted her to love him. So he had a jewel constructed, one that represented her finest aspect: her femininity.”

“Femma….what?”

“Her vagina Mr. Hard”

“Oh…vagina?”

“Anyway war broke out and Ceres was unable to give her the jewel as a token of love. And it was left in the temple never to be disturbed until present day”

“So it just a jewel…big deal” said Jake.

“Oh it’s much more than a jewel Mr. Hard. The tablets say that Ceres endowed it with powers to increase sexual prowess. If the secrets of it are unlocked you could seduce anyone” said Cherry Pop.

“Why do you want to increase sexual prowess you have a huge breasts that can seduce anyone?” said Jake.
“I wish it was that easy Mr. Hard. It’s hard trying to find a decent man in Neocron. All they want is sex, rough sex, hot sweaty sex, fantastic sex they just want to hold me in their arms and pump away” said Cherry frantically.

Jake quickly grabbed a napkin to stop the flow of dribble coming out of his mouth.

“So will you help me?” asked Cherry.

“Sure” said Jake melting like butter on a piece of hot corn.

This was Jakes chance to show he was a decent man. Cherry’s dream guy, a guy who was sensitive and caring and not a sexually depraved individual. But before Jake could work his smooth charms on Cherry an annoying acquaintance of Jake rushed up to him upon spotting him outside.

“Hey man its me Tratos!” he shouted.

The patrons stared at Tratos and a now flustered Jake who was sat at a table with a very beautiful girl.

“Oh hey…Tratos” said Jake going coy.

“Hey man when you going to pay back for that porn holodisk that I leant to you and you broke. And man have you stolen some of my socks to put down your trousers to make your penis look big again. Coz like I checked my wardrobe and…”

Jake quickly put his hand over Tratos’ mouth before he could say any more. The patrons giggled and Cherry frowned. Jake just blushed and went shy.

“Ill leave you to get on with the case” said Cherry getting out of her seat and getting out of the restaurant and out of Jake’s dreams. Jake removed his hand from Tratos’ mouth.

“Aaaww man sorry I ruined your date. But hey you don’t need to have sex with big breasted hot women” said Tratos

Jake looked at Tratos.

“Ok I lied Jake I guess you do need to get laid.”

[Hell-demon]

A dreary fog gathered on the streets of Neocron. It masked the evil nightlife that inhabited the streets and the degenerates that walked the streets. In the dirty Pepper Park red light district Jake Hard wondered around looking for the Pussy Club. He tried to ask for directions but most people he met were strippers and they would usually run away at the sight of a boner trying to force its way out of his trousers. Luckily he managed to find the club.

Inside the neon lit club the patrons were nowhere to be seen. In fact the dancers were gone and Jake didn’t have an erection to scare them off either. It was quite strange. Near the bar of the club sat one of Jake’s contacts. A person by the name of Lorenzo. He was not alone either; a Neocron News Network reporter called Menome was also seated near Lorenzo.

“Oh great if it isn’t Jake Hard on. You stupid fuck get out of my club!” yelled Lorenzo.

“Okay Lorenzo first of all this isn’t your club your uncle owns it and he hates you. And second I just want to ask you some questions” said Jake.

“No way fucker, that bitch you were helping in the viagra case left me scarred for life. Nothing more painful than being kicked in the balls. Now I have implants”

“Implants for testicles?”

“Yeah fucker I now have the latest in Biotech Balls TM"

Jake shuddered.

“So no questions then?” asked Jake

“No fuck off” said Lorenzo.

Suddenly Menome looked at Jake Hard.

“I might be able to help you. The names Menome I’m a reporter”

“That’s great but I don’t deal with the press” said Jake.

“That’s too bad because I don’t deal with crummy detectives. I know your working on the clitoris theft and I also might know where you can find some leads” said Menome smiling.

“Okay shoot” said Jake.

“First I need a good story for tonight’s viewers and so far Lorenzo and his Biotech Balls TM isn’t going to be a hard hitting story. But you on the other hand see a lot of weird things so gimme something I can work with.”

Lorenzo frowned and Jake rummaged through his pockets. He pulled out a dirty hankie, dusty thong inspector licence, a crusty old sock and finally a photo. Not just any photo. This was pure scandal. It was a photo of President Lioon Reza, with a hooker in his office with a large vat of whipped cream. Jake promptly gave it to Menome. Menome gazed at it and his eyes bulged a little.

“I think this is hard hitting” said Jake grinning.

“What! Lemme see some of that shit!” cried Lorenzo.

“Woah is….I’ve never seen so much whipped cream…I…..is this authentic?” said Menome mesmerised by the photo.

“Certainly is” said Jake

“Excuse me while I authenticate it” said Menome rushing off to the men’s room. Unfortunately the men’s room was locked but he was so eager to “authenticate” it he happily went into the ladies room.

Ten minutes later Menome returned slightly flustered. Jake looked at him slightly perturbed. Menome pocketed the photo with a grin.

“Yep its real. Now Ill go give you the name of a valuable informant. His name is Brammers lives up in tech haven a real ladies man. He should be able to help you find the clitoris.” Said Menome glowing.

Menome wrote down Brammers address on a tattered piece of paper and gave it to Jake.

“Do you know anything about the clitoris Menome?” asked Jake.

“Trust me after the picture you showed me I think I know enough” said Menome smiling.

“No the Clitoris of Ceres...Oh forget it” said Jake and he quickly left the club.

Jake gathered up some gear and went to the nearest vehicle depot. He mounted himself on his rusty old hover bike. He engaged the engines and blasted into the wastelands. He felt proud and majestic speeding over the land. But he soon felt like an idiot when he realised he hadn’t done up his trouser belt and his trousers came flying off.

[Hell-demon]

The shadowy hallways and humming of electricity was starting to get to Jake. He was at his destination: Tech Haven. Tech Haven seemed eerie to Jake and he was quite scared. He quickly jumped into a nearby apartment lift. He was now breathing hard because he was in unfamiliar territory. He quickly typed in Brammers’ apartment code and took the elevator to his apartment. When he reached the apartment a creepy silence filled the air. Jake slowly crept to the front door. He opened it.

A bra flew at his face.

“Do you mind this is private property!” yelled Brammers as a horde of half nude girls paraded around his apartment.

Jake was transfixed on you beautiful buxom girls cuddling Brammers in his purple dressing gown. The girls were happy and cute and having pillow fights in their underwear on Brammers’ king sized waterbed. And Brammers acted as if it was all normal.

“Can I help you?” asked Brammers.

“Huh….oh yeah…I’m a detective….” said Jake straining to concentrate.

“Ah I see what can I do for you detective?” said Brammers lighting his pipe and enjoying some heavy petting from two blonde twins.

“I was told you might be able to help me. Tell me Brammers have you seen a clitoris recently?”

“Many times boy many times” smirked Brammers.

The girls giggled.

“I mean the Clitoris of Ceres. Ring any bells?”

“Yes yes it does. You see every month my shipment of bikini wax is imported into Tech Haven. And I have some dominion over what is imported into Tech Haven, so when I saw in the shipment logs that a jewel was being imported I thought it was suspicious what with the recent theft. Sadly I lost track of it.”

“Well thanks Brammers. Erm just what are you doing with all these young ladies?” asked Jake.

“Oh…erm…well they are research assistants for my business” said Brammers stroking a girl who was holding onto his arm.

“Research? What kind of research?” said Jake.

“Biology” said Brammers with a grin.

The girls giggled. Jake just shrugged.

“Now detective if you excuse me my Jacuzzi water is getting cold. Come on ladies I have a fun game we can play evolving cooking oil and my busy busy hands” said Brammers leading the girls to his Jacuzzi. Jake left and the door closed on him with a big clunk.

“Lucky Bastard” muttered Jake under his breath.

When Jake got to ground level he felt empty. Brammers had all the ladies and luxury and he had nothing. Nothing apart from that sexy scantily dressed women waving at him from across the hallway. Wait a minute!

Jake rubbed his eyes. She was real and she didn’t have an adams apple it was a good sign.

“Have hot sweaty sex with me now Jake!” the woman cried.

Jakes eyes widened and he charged down the hallway. He quickly found himself getting closer and closer and actually going through the woman and into a very hard wall. She was a hologram and he was now twated to near unconsciousness.

When Jake awoke he found him self tied to a chair and deep in one of Tech Haven’s energy cores. On either side of him were two burly men in black suits firmly stationed. Jake looked around and realised he hadn’t scored with the woman and in fact had a very soar head. This seemed like a set-up.

“Ah detective dipshit” said a voice nearby.

Jake recognised the voice. It sounded ugly. In walked Ugly Roy dressed in a suit, probably something of a first. He had a cigar dangling from his mouth as always. He blew smoke into the air and laughed.

“Oh man am I glad to see you Roy. Look tell these guys to get lost and untie me would ya” said Jake.

“You’re a dumb ass Jake. I’m the reason you’re here, your exploits are quite well known and as such I found out about you looking for the Clitoris of Ceres” said Ugly Roy.

Roy pulled out the pink glistening jewel from under his sleeve. It gleamed in the artificial light produced by the energy core.

“Eeeewww what are you doing with a blood clot up your arm” said Jake.

“It’s a clitoris fuckwit!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Okay Roy just hand over the clitoris and Ill make sure the cops go easy on you when you get arrested”

“I may be dumb Jake but I’m not stupid. I worked hard for this and I’m so close to uncovering its secrets. That’s why I moved my operations to Tech Haven so the science boffins could figure out how to decipher its hidden powers. You may know me as a lousy landlord but in the crime syndicate I’m a powerful businessman. Hence why I always have cigars” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Oh you don’t believe that thing can give you sexual prowess do you?” said Jake.

“You may not have noticed this Jake but I’m an ugly ugly man. I’ve been ugly since the day I was born, in fact the doctor turned round and slapped my mother I was THAT ugly. I remember being a teenager and on the night of the big prom dance…well I was the guy serving punch”

“Oh yeah man I had that job too it sucked”

“But once this thing is figured out I will have ladies all over me. I wont have to pay prostitutes and stick a paper bag over my head, I wont have to sit in the back of restaurants and I wont have to buy women’s underwear on auction sites.” said Ugly Roy quite happily.

“That’s great Roy now you can let me go…” said Jake.

“ No way Jake you know to much”

“Well you shouldn’t have told me”

“Now I’m not a devious man…”

“No you’re an ugly man”

“Shut up you stupid fucker!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“So I guess seeing as I know about your perverted plan your going to kill me” said Jake bluntly.

“Exactly. But as I was saying I’m not a devious man so I’ll give you a choice of how you die. A luxury some people don’t have and a luxury a fuck like you doesn’t deserve. But I’m in a good mood so I’ll be nice.” Said Ugly Roy grinning.

“Oh crap”

“Now you can either die in the caverns of despair…”

“Nope not gonna happen”

“Or you get fucked in the ass with barbed wire”

“Yep caverns of despair for me”

[Hell-demon]

After a rough landing Jake Hard found himself in a dark and damp cavernous pit. The walls were paved with bones and darkness. Jake trembled slightly he could here a squeaking sound. And out from a tiny hole popped out a wee crab. Jake sighed with relief. The wee crab chirped at him.

“You scared me…what do you want?” said Jake.

The wee crab chirped at him again.

“Listen to me I’m talking to a wee crab. Oh well…you hungry little guy? Well I don’t have much food…erm I have a crusty sock if that’s what you want”

Jake handed the wee crab a crusty sock. To Jake’s surprise the wee crab gobbled it up. It belched and scurried off back into its hole. Jake was a bit overwhelmed by the weirdness of his situation.













THEN A HUGE FUCKING SWARM OF WEE CRABS DESCENDED UPON JAKE AND CARRIED HIM OFF INTO THE DARKNESS!

Jake quickly found him self surrounded by thousands of wee crabs that had dragged him into a coliseum like damp cavern. They had placed him on the moist ground and had encircled him. There were thousands upon thousands all glaring at him. There was a muffle from a close circuit of wee crabs. And from the crowd a wee crab emerged a wee crab with a huge brain.

“ALL HAIL KING WEE CRAB!” it said.

“HAIL!” shrieked the hordes of wee crabs in their puny voices.

The king wee crab approached Jake.

“Greetings upworlder. I am King Wee Crab welcome to my kingdom and who might you be?”

“HOLY FUCK!” shouted Jake.

“Do not be alarmed I am merely a wee crab with vast intellectual capacity” said King Wee Crab.

“Erm I’m Jake…and I’m very confused” said Jake looking around nervously.

“So you should be. We usually eat most upworlders but you showed kindness to one of our kind”

“To be honest it was just a crusty sock. ….look…erm why do you have a big…brain?”

“Well upworlder there has been much radiation seeping into the caverns. This radiation has mutated our kind and has made us different from most wee crabs. The radiation mutated me in such a way that I can know contemplate all things intellectual and mathematical”

“Wow guess you were very lucky”

“Not as lucky as the wee crab who grew two penises. Anyway your arrival has set our prophecy in motion. Now we can have our freedom!” said King Wee Crab.

“Prophecy?” said Jake confused.

“We the wee crabs prophesised an upworlder who put socks down his trousers…”

“Hey!”

“Let me finish….anyway this upworlder would lead us to the above world and help us crush the barricade erected by humans and allow us to travel to ancient breeding grounds where we can get da pusseh!”

The wee crabs cheered.

“You wee crabs just want to get laid. Hey I can relate. As long as you can help me get back at my ugly landlord then Ill gladly help” said Jake rather pleased.

“Excellent. You see the humans put up an electric fence connected to an outpost to stop their enemies from crossing their territory. This has hindered us. If you distract the humans and turn off the power we will attack the outpost.”

Jake nodded in agreement.

That night near a secluded outpost near the coast of the wasteland the army of wee crabs readied themselves for an attack. Jake Hard stealthily move past the outpost defences and spotted two guards looking at the stars. Jake had a good distraction. Jake remembered a photo he had taken in one of his cases where someone had died in an orgy from suffocating on extremely large breasts. Luckily Jake had it stashed in his breast pocket of his shirt. He casually walked up to the guards.

“Excuse me gentlemen have you seen this man?” said Jake handing them the photo.

The guards stared at the photo as if caught in at trance. Jake hastily went to the power grid and switched it off. Jake then ran out the outpost and up to the top of the nearby hillside where the wee crabs were in position.

“CHARGE!” shrieked King Wee Crab.

The army of wee crabs poured down the hillside and past the outpost defences. The guards had spotted the wee crabs charging at them.

“Woah this shit finally kicked in” said a guard looking at his joint of weed.

Sadly the inhabitants of the outpost were no match for the swarm of wee crabs and were devoured. Well okay slowly minutely devoured seeing as they are wee crabs and quite small. After the victory and after the destruction of the fence the wee crabs got tanked up on booze found in the outpost. Merriness was all over the outpost as wee crabs drunk, sang and toasted toes over small fires.

And in the morning the wee crabs huddled together and awaited a message from Jake.

“Wee Crabs lend me your…ears…claws er…..”

“Ill lend you a penis” said the Wee Crab with two penises.

“That’s quite alright” continued Jake, “Now we must go thwart my ugly land lord who cant get laid! You’ve fought hard and drunk hard but we must attack Tech Haven. And I promise when we get there we can get more booze”

“HOORAY!” cried the wee crabs.

King Wee Crab clambered over the crowds to Jake.

“ I would like to thank you Jake. We can now find true happiness and sex. Whether or not lady wee crabs find large throbbing brains attractive is still yet to be seen but I can dream. As a token of our appreciation we give you this triple thick woolly sock” said King Wee Crab clawing over a sock to Jake.

“Er thanks” said Jake.

[Hell-demon]

The sun glistened over the hills near Tech Haven filling the air with tranquillity. The huge entrance of Tech Haven was now guarded by an elite Special Forces unit sent by the Fallen Angels. To be honest the elite force was only made up of three people because the rest of the task force didn’t take the army of wee crab warnings seriously. The unit was comprised of the jittery Phayse, the squeamish Ressi Blade and the insane commander Ventrue. Who truly was insane because every time he went into battle he would always put a pair of fur dice round his neck to make him look intimidating.

The team gathered into position, poised and ready for the on coming swarm. Commander Ventrue decided a few words of encouragement would help his team seeing as they were destined for death.

“Alright troops we maybe facing extreme odds. They said wee crabs wouldn’t dare attack us, I said they would and now were going to get fucked. But you have to find comfort in war. I think of a happy moment in life to calm my nerves before battle. For me a happy moment was dressing up in my girlfriends clothes when she was away at work”

Phayse and Ressi looked at each other in confusion. The ammo was limited and it was only a matter of time before they were reduced to using flaming toilet roll. Commander Ventrue looked at Phayse who was now shaking.

“What’s up with you private?” said Commander Ventrue.

“Sir I think I soiled my pants….” Said Phayse whimpering.

“WHAT! Son you soil your military issue pants you soil the honour of this proud elite fighting force. I swear if we get out of this alive I’m gonna kill you”

Suddenly the huge army of wee crabs swarmed over the hills and headed towards the entrance in their droves. Fallen Angel high command was right a huge army of wee crabs was heading towards Tech Haven and it wasn’t a practical joke by a sensor technician. Although it did seem like it at the time. The troops positioned themselves by some crates ready to do battle against an army of…..well a lot too many to count.

“Alright troops…put your fingers on the trigger and breathe in and..aim..and watch me RUN LIKE A COWARD!” screamed Commander Ventrue as he ran to the entrance.

The swarm of wee crabs poured over the entrance of Tech Haven and devoured the troops.

Meanwhile in Brammers’ penthouse suit situated inside Tech Haven, Brammers was now with his fiancée Tricia. They were cuddling on his warm relaxing waterbed as soft music was being played in the background. Tricia rubbed her hands through Brammers’ thick chest hair and smiled.

“Tricia my darling let me show you a trick I picked up. I can remove your bra with one hand whilst removing your panties with nothing but my teeth” said Brammers caressing Tricia who was wearing only a bra, panties and a smile.
But before Brammers could actually show Tricia his womanising powers a huge contingent of wee crabs smashed through a ventilating duct and into the penthouse. Amongst the swarm was Jake who was brushing dust off his coat after getting out the duct.

“Sorry to burst in on you like this Brammers but we needed a covert way to get into Tech Haven. It’s the only way I can get the clitoris for a really good-looking lady. Could you honestly say no to a beautiful lady?” said Jake calmly.

“Certainly not dear boy. Carry on with your mission or what ever. But please tell your wee crabs to stay away from my caviar and porn collection” said Brammers pointing to the pilfering wee crabs.

“Speaking of beautiful ladies Brammers where are all those girls I saw in here yesterday?”

Tricia looked at Brammers in shock. Brammers went red.

“Brammers how could you! Do you know how much of a turn on that is for me!” exclaimed Tricia.

“WHAT!” said Jake and Brammers together.

Tricia grabbed Brammers and pinned him to the bed and madly kissed him. “Lucky bastard” muttered Jake and he and his army of wee crabs headed to the energy core of Tech Haven.

In a hidden lab near the core the clitoris stored in a glass chamber was being scanned by a group of scientists. Ugly Roy looked upon his prized possession with glee.

“I take it Jake took the bait” said Menome watching the scientists scanning the clitoris.

“Yep went just like planned. You send him to Tech Haven, I place the hologram and my henchmen beat the shit out of him. Well actually Jake beat the shit out of himself but it was all good” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Now about my payment…” said Menome.

“Oh sure I got your payment” then Ugly Roy picked up a gatlin pistol from a nearby shelf and gunned down Menome. Ugly Roy laughed haughtily. But stopped after hearing footsteps drawing closer to him.

“How ya doing Ugly Roy?” said Jake grinning.

“You! How the fuck did you get out the pit of despair? Ah no matter Ill just shoot you” said Ugly Roy aiming his gun at Jake.

“You know what my all time hated sexual disease is….CRABS!” said Jake throwing a wee crab at Ugly Roy that he had concealed behind his back. The wee crab latched onto Ugly Roy’s face and started scratching at it. As Ugly Roy screamed in horror he dropped his gatlin pistol. Jake quickly grabbed the gun. He fired wildly at the scientists, but being a crap shot missed. Despite this the scientists ran for their lives. Jake dropped the now depleted gatlin pistol and smashed the glass chamber with his hand, which did hurt, and grabbed the Clitoris of Ceres. He ran to a ladder leading to the main retail area of Tech Haven.

Ugly Roy tore the wee crab from his face and stamped on it. He cried out in anger and frustration and followed Jake’s trail. Jake was surprised that his army of wee crabs were not around and that clearly the Fallen Angel security network must have cleaned them out. As he looked around the retail area for his wee crab friends Ugly Roy jumped him from behind. Ugly Roy tried to grab the Clitoris of Ceres from Jake’s grasp. They struggled over the clitoris until finally it squirmed out of their grasp and flew into the air. It was soon grasped by a firm hand. It was the hand of Brammers.

“Hello detective didn’t think I’d be seeing you here wrestling an ugly man with a clitoris in your hands. Just gone to get some towels my hands are all greasy from massage oils” said Brammers.

Sadly Brammers hands were quite greasy because the clitoris slipped out of his hand and fell onto the hard floor. It shattered into tiny fragments. And then something happened something strange. A powerful pink light shone from the fragments of the jewel and clung to Brammers. Ugly Roy and Jake looked at Brammers in awe, as they lay on the ground in mid wrestle.

“Brammers you have sexual prowess!” exclaimed Jake.

“Nothing new there my boy. Terribly sorry about the jewel…” but before Brammers could finish his sentence Tricia pounced on him from a retailer close by.

Ugly Roy punched Jake in the face knocking him to the ground. Jake held his now bleeding nose.

“You fuck! You stupid fuck! Now I’m gonna fuck you in the ass with barbed wire seeing as that’s the only joy I’m going to get out of you!” said Ugly Roy unzipping his trousers and pulling out some barbed wire from his pockets.

Jake trembled with fear. He was going to get fucked but not in the way he had hoped for. He closed his eyes and thought of Cherry Pop and how he had let her down. He was never going to have sex with her and the whole point of finding the jewel was to impress her. Now he wasn’t going to have fantastic sex her and have her cry out…

“ATTACK!” squealed a voice in the distance.

A whole army of wee crabs dropped out of a ventilation shaft high above and charged at Ugly Roy. They devoured Ugly Roy in a brutal fashion and vomited him shortly afterwards. The wee crabs helped Jake get back on his feet. King Wee crab descended from the ventilation shaft and landed gently on the ground.

“Thanks King Wee Crab you saved my ass, literally” said Jake relieved.

“Don’t mention it. Now my wee crab brethren and me are going to the breeding grounds and procreate” said King Wee Crab.

“Procreate?”

“Have sex”

“Oh well good luck. I certainly know I’m not going to get any. I’ve blown my chance to score with a hot girl.” Said Jake forlorn.

King Wee Crab patted Jake on the back. Brammers pushed Tricia aside and approached Jake. Brammers smiled.

“Look my boy you still have a chance to win this ladies heart. You just have to not treat her as a sex object. You know relax a little and be a kind gentlemen and a fun guy. That’s the secret with the ladies. You don’t need to get her fancy jewellery shaped like genitalia. Take it from me kid I know about matters of the heart” said Brammers rather cheerily.

Jake felt kind of humble by this advice Brammers had given him. He now knew what he had to do. He quickly waved his allies good-bye who in turned wished him the same. Jake rushed to the nearest gene replicated. Typed in the destination: Neocron Via Rosso. And was promptly teleported.

At Cherry Pop’s exquisite apartment Cherry had just got out of her luxury bath tub and was now wearing a towel that was tightly around her bosoms which were quite frankly very large. As she was getting her saucy lingerie on there was a knock at the door. It was Jake.

“Mr. Hard please come in” said Cherry.

Jake waked in and acted very calm. Jake pulled out a sock in his trousers. He wasn’t going to need it.

“So did you find the Clitoris of Ceres Mr. Hard?” asked Cherry.

“I’m sorry Miss but it was destroyed by a man with greasy hands and a ferocious sexual appetite” said Jake.

“You mean Lioon Reza destroyed it?”

“Nooooo. It’s gone Miss Pop. I’m sorry. I can give you a pet wee crab if it makes you feel better”

“SHIT! My only chance of finding a man who understands me. To be truly loved and find happiness. Gone…” said Cherry Pop quite sad.

Cherry sat down on her silk bed close by sulkily. Jake put on a sympathetic smile and sat next to her.

“Look Miss Pop you’re a good looking girl and a sweet one at that. But you don’t need men to be constantly wanting to have sex with you. You see you’re just lonely and want a good relationship. I mean its nothing wrong with you its just most guys are bastards” said Jake.

“Wow I guess your right. Sorry for putting you through so much trouble to find the clitoris” said Cherry slightly cheered up.

“Well I couldn’t let a sweet girl like you down. I did it to make you happy. And that’s what’s important” said Jake smiling.

Cherry looked into Jakes eyes. She slowly edged her way towards him and kissed him. She put her hands on his face and began kissing him passionately. Jake took off his leather coat and plopped it on the floor. They kissed passionately and Cherry removed her towel showing her magnificent body. Jake blushed and pulled out the extra sock he had stashed down his trousers. He kissed her naked body and sexual electricity was in the air.

Cherry looked at Jake and said:

“Is this a bad time to tell you I have chlamydia?”

Jake got his coat.

The End