Nerd 1 - The Archive

Well not exactly an Issue Bib, just the end of the other one, which got cut off due to the character count and forgotten for a few hours.

Anywhy, thats my little twist on the plotline. Now I get to sit back and see if any of my predictions come true :)

Please do keep in mind, the whole thing is just based on observations from Pluto server and reading Neocronicle. No secret information involved there.

On other news:
At the sight of the *ahem* 20th page on this post looming up, work has begun on a NERD website, one filled with chocolate cookies, banners every other line, and links to 300 invalid porn sites that all need 3 programs to enter. Hopefully it should be good. I'm also hoping to add some new features to it to make it more interesting than just the stories alone.

And on the business of the songs:
I think Danae wants to strangle me already, after seeing some of the lyrics to certain songs. So, I'm actually going to ask: Is anyone interested in singing the lyrics to any of the Megaman songs? You need a microphone and a willingness to have your voice slapped down on a song for all to hear. Applications to me: Auditions to start once we have responses.

Ok, now back to the more humourous side of things again with Issue 21.

*smacks Bib upside the head with the anvil of 'obsession'*

Great merciful Baboon Cigars man! You really think I'm gonna write another one today???? I'm insane, not stupid.

Next issue won't be out for at least 12 hours. Go to bed already.

Yes, like that, but made by Thanatos and bearing the 3 secret melee mods of 'buff' 'shine' and 'polish' which give it a friction free impact to knock your uberness right outta you.

NERD: FINAL ISSUE

I QUIT!

Thats IT. I've had it! No one buys NERD merchandise, the world doesn't revolve around me and I've now got Genital herpes......

(runs around slamming doors and deleting accounts)

Goodbye Neocron, I'm gone forever.....

(runs out the door and around the block)

......

(comes running back inside slamming more doors, and out of breath)

Oh yeah, April fools.

Until next time....

Heh, I always satire things around me and I've seen a fair few of those today.

Tbh I find April fools posts to be in extremely poor humour. There's one that says Neocron is closing down by April on a fansite, and the only clue that they're joking is the date of posting. (and yes they ARE joking, for all those pessimists out there).

Anyways, back to work I go.

Ok, question for you all:

Are you all happy enough with the current mix between drama-plot issues and comedy issues or would you prefer a change up?

In the last 20 issues, there's been 1 that was sort of plot (the reason for amok copbots story) and Issue 20. The other 18 were just for laughs.

Is that an ok balance for ya all, or would you prefer more Issue 20-like stories?

Just curioous ya see.

Ok, here we go folks, let the story continue. I'd Like to remind everyone again that NERD is a work of fiction. It is not in any way official. So when you get to the end of this one, don't start asking when 'thats' gonna happen.

NERD Issue # 021

The Coming of the Dawn

At long last, the sun began to rise over Neocron. The war had only lasted 24 hours from beginning to end, but the toll was indescribable.

CityAdmin.

From City Admin's point of view, the city had been saved! Which was a good thing. But now the paperwork started, which to many in the office seemed worse than the idea of being annihilated. The Public Relations department was in desperate need of some good old fashioned political BS to smooth over ruffled feathers.
The missile strike was beginning to raise questions, but fortunately few knew enough about it to make a definitive case just yet. But the questions would come. The X-borgs were destroyed, and protests from all factions came to CA demanding the cyborg program be discontinued. CityAdmin issued a statement saying that they agreed the Cyborg program was too dangerous and would discontinue. At the same time Reza ordered manufacture of the Battlelords to begin, the next generation of cyborgs. The remaining batches of X-borgs were moved to the bowels of Outzone 7 where none could reach them. STORMbot production increased and added security was enforced around Outzone station.
From a maintenance point of view, Neocron was in a fairly reasonable condition. Aside from the gaping gash in the city wall, allowing every dragonfly, drom and pervert Anarchy breed to peep in on E.b.e's bathroom, and the Outzone looking more screwed than before (which isn't exactly saying much) and a collapsed subway tunnel that wasn't being used in the first place, the city had only to rehook the power generators back into the city grid and things were back to normal. The contract for repairs to the city wall were contracted out to another faction.

Tangent Technologies.

The Main Office recalled NDA from the field shortly after the Mechs rolled off the line. They were received by the Head Office and congratulated, and told to expect big things in the future. The other Tangent clans received similar warm praise from their bosses. The production of Mechs also meant a huge surge in business, with NEXT now requiring a stable supply of armaments for the chassis. With the threat of war still looming, Tangent Technologies was in happy days. For what better time for a weaponry manufacturer than a war?
Tangent homes were not affected by the attack, as Via Rosso and Plaza were unscathed. Hence NDA returned home to rest and recovery, before the victory celebrations later on...

Proto Pharma.

Proto Pharma was one of the two factions that did not rest that morning. For 12 hours more they were hard at work producing and distributing medical supplies to the wounded. The clans worked in 2 hour shifts, 2 clans to a shift to keep work flowing. Once a shift ended, the clan collapsed at their homes (also unscathed) and awaited that evening...

BioTech.

BioTech worked alongside ProtoPharma to produce replacement implants for those lost or destroyed during the conflict. Never before had such an orgy of people jabbing their tools into other people occurred. When the narrator wrote this, Evangelion started giggling, yet she still hasn't read it. The clans then followed Proto's lead and retired till the evening.

Diamond Real Estate.

For Diamond Real Estate, the war was not the problem, it was the beginning of a great new day. Solo runners demanded the security of clanlife now and clankey sales went through the roof. Residents determined that living in Pepper Park was too close to the Outzone, where all the fighting had broken into the city through, and thus wanted to move to Plaza and Via Rosso. Employees did not have to strain to hold their cheezy grins on their faces at the thoughts of the commissions coming there way. It was a good day for Diamond members everywhere.

Tsunami Syndicate.

PIMP was up in arms over the annexing of Simmons. Once they had licked their wounds, they armed with full intent on annihilating NUTS, NDA and Reza for that matter. However, before their assault began, Shodough was sent to them.
"THIEF! USURPER!! Prepare to die!" Carinth yelled.
"IDIOT!!!" Shodough's terets had been edited from the logs of the war the day prior, for it had gotten worse under stress.
"Who u callin an idiot?"
"I bring you JACKASS a gift for your WHORE clanmates."
"You better start making sense and less with the lip." Shodough handed over a packet.
"Its the codes to the Simmons WUSSY defense system, so you can take A HIKE it back. Also, CityAdmin, NEXT and Tangent BALLS... send your clan the first Mech key." Shodough bit his lip and hoped he'd feel a little better tomorrow. Carinth calmed down, nodded and called for hostilities to end.
PIMP travelled to Simmons to take their op back. Lullysing, fried from his lack of dope, immediately ran to the machines, grabbed a vial and injected himself.
"Ohh yeah my bitchies, dis is da stuff yo, I ....arrrrrggghhhhh...." He went into convulsions, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell to the ground foaming at the mouth with an odd little grin on his face. Carinth looked at the othe vials.
"You idiot, they changed the setting when they were makin mechs. This aint da dope, its carburretor fluid." Lullysing didn't hear or care. Carinth looked at him, looked at the vials, grabbed one and injected himself.
"Oh what the hel.....arrrrrrrgggghhhh......."

A runner sent to summon Tsunami to a meeting found the entire clan laid out, doped out of their minds on carburretor fluid. Instead of taking them to the meeting, he took a dozen vials with him.

Black Dragons.

As if the war wasn't bad enough, the day after was worse. Pepper property prices had dived almost 300%. No one wanted to be anywhere near the Outzone, the few remaining X-borgs running wild, the gash in the city wall, or the odd sounds coming from below Pepper. People swore they could still hear the thudding march of the cyborgs coming from below them from time to time. CRC, the only clan still in a condition to fight, was deployed to investigate the sounds, but could not discover any source. They wrote it off to simple echoes from the work beggining on the reconstruction. Nonetheless, it would be a trying time for BD in the coming weeks. And their anger to Dome of York burned all the more.

Crahn Sect.

The Abbey had been destroyed. The generep was still working, and work could continue, but the living quarters were uninhabitable. Given their assistance at a time of need, the Crahn sect were permitted to set up temporary residence in the ConCentre till the workcrews could effectively repair their living quarters. Crahn planned to spend their time assisting in the repair work in any way possible. CityAdmin was grateful, and tensions between the two sides lessened slightly, though neither trusted to turn their back on the other.

.....

NEXT.

Synergy was working on the Mech production by hand. It was nauseatingly slow work without a factory, but NEXT did not want to push its luck with PIMP after the annexing last night. MAX-T was assigned to work on the Abbey of Crahn and the greater Outzone area, both in reconstruction and the elimination of the remaining X-borgs.
And then there were NUTS. They had drawn the lot of wall defense and wall repair. So, they piloted the Mechs into position, and took up defensive positions. None really feared another attack from the Dome today, but many believed Twilight Guardians, who's motives yesterday were still under debate, might take advantage of their weakness. Meanwhile, the other NUTS (that came out wrong....) began the reconstruction of the missing wall section.
"Eva, EVA!! Lay off the drill a minute!" Vain yelled over. Eva did not respond, instead having an exstatic look on her face as she manned the pneumatic drill.
"Whats with her?" Mako Tanaka inquired.
"If I had to hazard a guess," Ithaqua said, "I'd say she's getting more pleasure out of that than the Dildo of Maven."
"MORE PLEASURE THAN..... but the Dildo of Maven is the ultimate pleasure machine, and you can use it in the dark too!" Everyone, including Eva turned to look at the priestly Mako with inquiry.
"Well... I mean.... thats just what I heard, ... its not like.... EEEEEEKKK!" and she ran off to go sing a hymn or 5 (which oddly enough caused the last X-borg to die, not that she was aware of that).
Warlock the Hermit had gone out into the wastelands looking for materials to use in the project. As one of the oldest runners in NUTS, he was well accustomed to all areas of the wastelands, but today was hard going. The very world he had wandered for years now looked completely different. A War had changed the shape of the world once before, and now another one had repeated the mistake. Angered by the destruction of his world, he marched many miles north to a mountain area. Taking his remaining chocolate rashions, connecting them to a string and leaving them in the open, he waited. And sure enough, Teh Bunneh appeared. No chocolate had passed his way in over a day, so he was very eager. As he reached for the chocolate, Warlock leapt forward and grabbed him by his fluffy tail.
"BAHHH!!! You again! You did this years ago!"
"And you don't learn, now eat the chocolate and listen up." Teh Bunneh began eating, but had no intention of obeying the other instruction. Warlock seized The Long Eared One by The Long Ears and bellowed into them.
"PAY ATTENTION OR ITS WABBIT STEW TIME!!!!" Bunneh's eyes watered and his brain turned to mush.
"Ouuughgghh.... ok ok I listen. What?"
"You have the power to talk to The DEVS. Do it. Get them to intercede. Better late than never."
"The Devs love war. They will not step in to stop it." Bunneh honestly answered.
"True, but if they want to see any fighting any time soon, they'll have to do something about THAT..." and he pointed at the dustcloud, rising to the heavens as far as the eye could see. Bunneh twitched.
"How will I find Choco in that???"
"How indeed...."
"I will do whats i cans. Now go, before you wear out your welcome." And Warlock left, getting lost in a dustbreeze and ended up walking into a Doomreapers ass. Fortunately he wasn't the first one to do that today, so it was starting to enjoy the sensation (don't ask how I know that...)

Fallen Angels.

For most people, having carnage and slaughter as far as the eye can see in your supposedly protected halls would bring you near to tears. However, for Fallen Angels in Tech Haven, thats a daily occurence, so aside from the gaping hole in the side of the mountain and certain power failures, it was life as always. Carebear Daycare took over security duty and cleanup of the cyborg carcasses. Dark clan began repairing the facility. Megaman began pk'ing people. Life returned to normal.

City Mercs.

Roused by the war, the Mercs didn't even bother trying to repair the Base. They grabbed all the ammo they could and in one voice, with one purpose and only one toilet break, went hunting for any Cyborgs that were remaining. They marched, shot at anything that moved, sang warsongs and enjoyed every minute of it. Then they marched to Neocron for that evenings celebrations.

Twilight Guardians.

All members remained within the walls of their city. By order of Headquarters they were to wait to see Neocron's reactions. By instruction from the now recovering Ronald Rodriguez "We shall not move ourselves, but wait to see what news our allies bring us."
Many were curious what they meant by 'allies'...

The Celebration and EGOS.

That night all of Neocron celebrated their survival. CityAdmin made up for their mistakes by hosting a hell of a party. The Copbots were serving drinks instead of packing plasma rifles. The STORM bots were all outside the areas performing security, rather than imposing themselves on the masses inside. Reza did not join the festivities, but Cassandra Edwards was more than happy to get sloshed and party with Wannabe, saviour of the Subway, like it was 2003.
MoonUnit was kicking back in 'sushi' style. With 14 bargirls around him, he felt that saving an entire city of people was something he should be doing on a more regular basis. Sprite, NoGravity and the rest of the 3rd Circle EGOS were challenging runners to Neofrag (3rd Circle EGOS are the only ones any good at Neofrag. Something to do with the others actually doing work instead (Giant red subtitles slam down "TRIALS MOCKED!!!")
CheapLoveMotel was in exstasy as he stood in Medicare, comparing gun sizes with Megaman, Shadow and N00bish. Naturally he won (no mortal has a bigger gun than Teh Motel babey!).
Laemin was standing in a corner looking at one of his command crystals.
"Damnit, you worked yesterday.... DOOMREAPER!" And he turned into a roach.
"Crap, HOVERBOT!" and became a metalpipe that Smokey tried to walk off with. After getting free....
"APPARITION!!!" and turned into a stripper. He gave up and returned to his STORM bot self.
"Laemin, dude, whats with your pants?" Paradox asked.
"Huh?" and he looked down to see he was wearing Copbot pants, "Oh I give up...."
"Listen, you guys kicked ass yesterday. I wanna test myself against you." Paradox challenged Laemin to a fight. Figuring it was better than trying to control his morph controls, he agreed.

A crowd formed in Outzone Station to watch. Paradox pulled out a Tangent Laser Cannon, xray modded with all the tweakings. Laemin pulled out a Long Laserblade 2.
"Haha, I is gonna pwns u Laemin!" Paradox yelled.
"I R L337. Onlyz Iz anz Precious talks da l337sp33ks."
"SHUT UP!!!" everyone yelled.
The battle began. Laemin had deactivated his invulnerability, but still had his superior speed and strength. Paradox waited for him to back towards a corner, and fired. Laemin raised his blade and deflected the shot. The crowd stood in awe.
"We stand in awe!" McDanish stated the obvious. He got thrown over the balcony.
Shot after shot beamed towards and were deflected away from Laemin. Paradox stopped firing and gasped. Laemin turned to the side, looking into an invisible camera and said:
"Star Wars: Galaxies, eat your heart out!" (Big Red Subtitles "SHAMELESS COMPETITION MOCKAGE!") Paradox went to pull his Malediction when the STORM bots, curious as to what was going on walked in and blasted him.
"YES!! I win!" Laemin yelled. Paradox went to appeal the decision, but then collapsed.

And thus (Y) day plus 1 passed by with celebrations long into the night. The next day work continued on and all were busy with their homes.

The Devs.

After having Teh Bunneh knawing on his ankle for 6 hours straight, Thanatos appeared above the Wastelands. He wound up, the pitch.... ITS GOOD! And he cast The Tuning Fork of Creation into the Land. It struck a Drom in the head and killed it instantly. Soulburner ran away from work to hump it. Thanatos tried again. He cast the Tuning Fork into the ground where it stuck and resonated. It unleashed a tidal wave of energy across the Wastelands. Many had to shield their eyes from the disturbance. When it passed they looked, and saw the Wastelands returned to their former self, as if the War had never taken place. The cities were still in ruin, but The Devs had deemed it reasonable to 'roll-back' the Wastelands, to facilitate future conflict.

MJS.

The only being seen walking the Wastelands (aside from Souls quickie with the Drom) was MJS. Clad in black, shrouded in fog and smelling of Old Spice (the nasty sailor variety that no sane man would think smelled good), he observed his handiwork first hand with an evil grin showing through his evil goatee and matching his evil Armani Powerarmour, that went with his evil custom shoes. In short.... he was evil.
As he walked along the shores, he walked over to a metallic object. And at the sight of it he laughed.
"Hah, I laugh."
"Hey thats my line!!!" McDanish yelled out. He got smacked.
"It seems another of my pawns wants to be played." And he walked away from the wreck. The wreck was of a Trans-continental Stealth Long Range Drone. It must have been accidentally hit during the firefight, for they are normally undetectable. On the side, in slightly burnt out letters it read "Observer Drone H-14838. Tok-o 2" What it means, only MJS knows.

Until next time...

At the moment, only 2 songs have been recorded, and unless we get some volunteers, that may be all there is. The links to those two songs are.... somewhere in this post.

I've been informed the NERD site may well be ready soon, so you all won't have to keep digging through the ever growing post to find what you're looking for

The site will have all the stories set out, and if all goes to plan will have a comedy character bio's section, a reality check section detailing where some of this stuff was inspired from and an Encyclopedia of the NERD universe of all terms and references (I really am suicidal....)

Anywho, later today I shall complete Issue 22 and crush Bibliotequa once and for all (eyes glow with burning rage)

Yes it was pointed out to me that your ingame name was Jujuwalker. HOWEVER, once I know any of your names, they're all up for use.

And I should hope you're not a junkie. Carburettor fluid is not good for the bowels.

*Targetting reticle locks onto Bibliotequa*

Oh no no, little man, I've got something far worse than the NERF bat in store for you.
Let the terror begin.....

NERD Issue # 022

NERD Editor Vs. Bibliotequa

Several weeks had passed since the attack. Life in the world had returned to a state of normality. Things went on, much as they had this past age, what with the comings and goings, the gankings and thievings, the prostitution and constitution that Neocron knew so well.

On this particular day, Bibliotequa was walking into Plaza 1. As he entered, several runners noticed him coming in. Now, at this point, the NERD staff, having a vendetta against Bibliotequa so great, it might actually be noteworthy, have decided that Bibliotequa is a.) a weird name b.) too long to write out all the time and c.) is a good opportunity to start the mockage. As a result from now on, Bibliotequa will be referred to as 'Betty'. We thank you for your attention.
"Hi Betty!" CryptoCronic yelled.
"Hi Betty!" The Light snickered.
"HI BETTY!!!" The copbots had apparently been programmed with the ability to say that.
"Hi Everybody! Today is a good day to be alive." Everyone went 'awwww', "I would like to give you all a gift," everyone went 'yay', "I would like to play for you my kickass collection of Hanson classics." Everyone started backing away slowly.
"Erm.... I have to um... wax my asshairs, bye." Murkster skipped away.
"I ahh I err, I can't lie very well, so I'm just terrified by Hanson and must flee!" Flyk screamed.
"Ok, ok. I won't play Hanson." Betty calmed them down, "Instead I'll tell you all a story." again with the 'awww's'. Oddly enough, the entire population of Neocron, being highly addicted to stories (or at least the entire population of Neocron who will read what I'm typing here are addicted to stories) formed a circle around Betty. Now again, by circle, I don't mean anything resembling a circular shape. I mean something more along the lines of a deformed egg shape thats been sat on by a 500 pound drunk called Ralph.
"Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there was a guy named Rico. Rico was a guy with amazing powers. And he lived in the age of BETA! (lots of 'ooh's' from the crowd)(BETA if you recall stands for BEfore Terran Animation) Now Rico would come down and use his amazing powers to show off to the world! He'd come running along faster than any vehicle, pull out a stilleto and strike down a Warbot in one slash (giggles from people who thought Betty was joking). But the coolest thing Rico did was this: Rico was the first person to ever transform into a Copbot and beat three STORM bots single handedly! (The crowd cheers)..."
At this time a mighty yell came from the balcony of Medicare. All looked up to behold NERD Editor, glaring at Betty.
"When the hour is time, the sheep call home, but if the sheperd has no sauce, the banquet cannot begin!" Editor yelled. Everyone just looked at him blankly.
"What the hell r u talking about?" Betty wailed.
"Only the listener can understand, the talker shall never know." Again with the confused looks.
Now, at this time we shall explain. Thanks to the long hours and effect of the ink fumes from the Printing presses, when NERD Editor is not telling stories, he cannot speak in logical form, and must resort to pointless cryptic comments. It's a sad life, but if it weren't so, NERD would not exist. So we lock him up and chain him to a fridge so he can't get away. Thank you for your attention.
At this point, NERD Editor took a deep breath and began to tell the TRUE story of the coolest thing Rico ever did.
"Once upon a timewarp, in the age of BETA, Rico walked tall among runners. One time he came across the city of Neocron calm and at peace. And he could not stand it. Rico went to the Wastelands and captured a TerrorMauler and a Raptor and dragged them into Plaza 1 where he turned them loose. At first, the two behemoths fought the copbots, till all the copbots were destroyed. Then they turned on each other, in a gladiatorial battle for survival, with Rico standing on the Skywalk handing out popcorn as everyone enjoyed the show he had put on for them. Eventually the TerrorMauler won (cheers from the TerrorMaulers Forever fanclub) and then it turned on the players. Rico invited everyone to attempt to find a way to kill the creature in the weapon suppression area. First, they tried healing it to death. Rico promptly booted their senile asses. Then brave runners, after Rico showed the way attempted to employ a combat move from the 20th Century, learned from the Ceres Discs. It came from a n entertainment medium called 'wrestling' and was called 'The Peoples Elbow'. Hence hundreds of runners leapt off the skywalk, attempting to deliver the Peoples Elbow to the TerrorMauler at terminal velocity. They all failed, and Rico laughed as his little event raked up the kills. Eventually Rico saw that no mortal runner was up to the challenge, so he grabbed two hack tools and shoved one in the creatures nostril, the other up its rectum and activated them. The resulting electric shock killed the creature and the runners cheered (and the listeners cheered as well.)." And Editor finished his tale, to great applause.
"NERD Editor, this is MY moment in the spotlight! You shall not interfere!" Betty threw a hissy fit.
"In the hour of scampering, the first to cry are the first to die!" Editor retorted.
"I challenge you Editor, to a contest of Skill!"
"When challenged I be, the wise would flee, but here you be, and that rhymes three... err 4."
"I hereby challenge you to .... The Great Neocron Singalong!" Gasps from the crowd. It had been a long age since the last contest was held, due to the disastrous end to that one. But the challenge was made and accepted. Thus, the only man fit to judge in the world was summoned to Plaza 1.
"EYYYYYY!!!!!" Megaman took the seat and the contest began. Betty cleared his throat and laid down the first sonnet:
"I think that I shall never see,
Your plasma shots are blinding me...."
"BOOOO!!! Copyright, PAY UP!!!" Megaman hauled out his book "Megaman's War Poems", flicked to page 295 and showed everyone that very verse, "no points." And then it was Editors turn.
"Oh I must kill you, let me count the ways...
Cannon, Lightning, fire and blood,
All modded with x-rays.
Oh I must grief you, oh so many kills...
In the sewers, in the cores,
On mountains and the hills.
Oh I must spam you, my chat shall come your way,
Swearing, bitching, Caps Lock on,
And telling you you're gay..."
"Oooh, eeyyy, point to the NERD, and you managed to glorify griefing, so bonus point." Megaman totalled up the score, "ok so we're still tied at nil." Math was not his strong point. It was Betty's turn.

(The Following Song "Weaker" is done to the tune of "Stronger" by Britney Spears. Original concept by Bibliotequa aka "Betty". Full lyrics written by NERD, a subsidiary of LaeminCorp. All Rights Reserved.)

(Psycho Killa runs in and takes over the job of playing the kiddy drum set)
Oooh EYYYYY Yeah!!

"I should just stop.
There's nothing more for me to play, ai ai.
I've had enough.
I'm not their property so why do they... oh oh.

They might, think that I am uber, when I own,....

But now I'm Weaker than Yesterday,
KK nerfs me in every way.
All Cursed Souls ain't killing you no more.
Ay ay... Weaker. Than I ever thought that I could be, ai ai.

I used to go with the flow,
Pow-er-leveling my stats.
You might think that they can't break it, but you're wrong....

Cause now I'm Weaker than Yesterday,
KK nerfs me in every way.
All lightning bolts don't hurt your ass no more.
Ay ay... Weaker.

Oh come on now....

Oh yeah...
Here I go, gonna pwn.
I don't need nobody, gotta heal alone.
HERE I GO, GONNA PWN.
I DON'T NEED NOBODY, NOT ANYBODY....

HERE I GO, HERE I Go, HERE I GO, HERE I Go,
Oh crap....
Just can't pwn, Just can't pwn, JUST CAN'T OWN, JUST CAN'T OWN, JUST CAN'T OWN!!!

Weaker than Yesterday,
Made a flame post at KK,
My uberness ain't killin you no more.
EYY EYY!!!
Weaker than Yesterday,
Man this patch ain't goin my way,
My uberness ain't killin you no more.
Weaker than Yesterday,
Man this patch ain't goin my way,
My uberness ain't killin you no more.
Eyyy Eyyy, WEAKER!!!"

(Editor note: Bibliotequa sent me a sample of the chorus and I thought it was good enough to make a song out of, but that meant having to listen to 'The Spears' again. Thus the reason why he's the target of this issue. He must pay for this.....)

The crowd moaned in agony. Truly the adage was true "Good songs are immortal, but bad songs linger like a bad odour". Megaman nonetheless was impressed. Now it was Editors turn.

(The Following song "Synched-out Girl" is done to the tune of "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Lyrics written by NERD, a subsidiary of LaeminCorp. All Rights Reserved.)

Hiya babey!
Hi Ben!
Wanna go for a ride?
Sure Ben!

I'm a Synched-Out Girl, in a Synched-Out World,
Damn I'm naggy, its so laggy,
Crap I got no hair, the same things to wear...
Limitation, on character creation...

Stop your groaning,
lets try zoning...

I'm a Synched-Out Girl, in a Synched-Out World,
Damn I'm naggy, its so laggy,
Crap I got no hair, the same things to wear...
Limitation, on character creation...

I'm a bland muscly girl all alone in this world,
Gentank girls with chest hairs are so scary.

Try to fight, shoot away, with the gun of this jeep,
Lets go here, lets go there, with my tankey!

You can crush, kill all day, if you win the synching wars... oh no!

I'm a Synched-Out Girl, in a Synched-Out World,
Jeep is zoning, start the moaning
When we get to there, we'll be everywhere
Its a nightmare for this whole car to zone there.

Join my party, lets shoot Carly
Huh? Huh?
Join my party, lets blame Marty
Whoo? Whoo?
Join my party, lets shoot Carly
Huh? Huh?
Join my party, lets blame Marty
Whoo? Whoo?

I can walk through the town do whatever I please,
I can run, I can gun, I'll sit down and scratch fleas.
Don't jump in, not again, or I'll have to login,
Synching time is a crime, lets blame Marty.

You can crush, kill all day, if you win the synching wars...
You can crush, kill all day, if you win the synching wars...

Join my party, lets shoot Carly
Huh? Huh?
Join my party, lets blame Marty
Whoo? Whoo?
Join my party, lets shoot Carly
Huh? Huh?
Join my party, lets blame Marty
Whoo? Whoo?

I'm a Synched-Out Girl, in a Synched-Out World,
Damn I'm naggy, its so laggy,
Crap I got no hair, the same things to wear...
Limitation, on character creation...

I'm a Synched-Out Girl, in a Synched-Out World,
Jeep is zoning, start the moaning
When we get to there, we'll be everywhere
Its a nightmare for this whole car to zone there.

Join my party, lets shoot Carly
Huh? Huh?
Join my party, lets blame Marty
Whoo? Whoo?

Come on Ben, lets try zoning to MB again.
I'm sorry, but this lag is horrid
OH SCREW YOU BEN!"

All of Plaza was dancing around like epileptic kindergarteners. Megaman also was getting down with his bad self.

The competition carried on for hours until finally in a crushing blow.... Betty fell asleep while trying to sing "I Don't Gank You Anymore". Apparently, his addiction to NERD Editors stories caused him to suffer from Insomnia, and his sleep deprivation would catch up with him at the worst moments. Considering his last song went "I know you hate me but you know its true, I just can't be bothered shooting y.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Megaman voted it a lame song and declared NERD Editor the winner. Everyone, having partied like it was 2003 returned to their business, leaving Betty asleep on a lightpost.

Until next time...

Alright, you asked for it so now you're getting it:

Tired of looking through the ever growing NERD post for the stories you're looking for?
Want to listen to Kick Me GM One More Time, but can't find the link?

Well now there's hope, yes thats right, the NERD website is ready to go.

Its big, its functional and very very green, but it has all things NERD involved.

The site will be in continuous development, but for the moment the Issues are separated out for easy access, the song links are placed under the 'Download' section.

Also, the first 20 Issues have been compiled into NERD Volume 1: The Rise of York. The first 20 issues constituted the introduction to the NERD tale, and now we're into Volume 2.

The Reality Notes are a reference to the actual incidents that have led to some of the jokes involved.

And yes, I'm hoping to finish work on the Character Bio's and the NERD's Encyclopedia soon so those can go up as well.

So, head on over to NERD and check it out.

Special thanks to Excelsier for putting the site together and agreeing to maintain it (thanks to my incompetent attempts at web publishing, he has been conscripted to run the site, and a damn sight better than me I might add).

NERD Issue # 023

Ben & Artricia Get A Room

"Oh baby, you know I want you to 'mod my barrel'" Ben typed.
"Sweetie, you boost my stats..." Artricia replied.
"When you do that dirty talk, I feel like I'm lagging,"
"Can we ever meet, psi of my dreams?" Artricia begged.
"I want to, but... I wonder if you can accept the real me...."

blah blah blah blah.... Cybering may be as old as electronic communication, but its no fun for those who aren't involved. Anyway, Ben and Artricia had met up on a NERD discussion board one day and since then had been playing electronic footsies under NERD Editors desk.

One day, the two were chatting in an open discussion room, discussing the political tensions between Twilight Guardians and the rest of Neocron. The conversation was political and many were involved when Arcadius joined the conversation...
"Oh great, its Arcadius..." a few of the other chatters groaned.
"Got any yet Arc? Or Art still not putting out."
"Oh like he could get any wit me guys." Artricia joked.
"Die biatch!!!" Arcadius typed.
"Hey hey, watch what you're saying there Arcadius," Ben stepped in.
"Who r u asshole!" Arc yelled.
"I R Ben."
"You tell him sweetie." Artricia replied.
"Sweetie?? SWEETIE!!! You two timing ratscum....."
"TWO TIMING?? On WHO? You? You're not with me. You're NEVER GETTING WITH ME!!" Artricia mauled her console.
"Who'd WANT you?" Arcadius yelled back. Derizor jumped in and started a poll. 857 people voted yes, 3 voted no, 126 voted they had crumpets for breakfast. "Damn you Derizor...."
"Just piss off Arc, you asshole!!" and with that, Artricia left. Sensing his honeybuns had departed, Ben left as well. Arcadius sat back at his hometerm and grinned.
"Yep, she wants me."

A few days later, Artricia, still befouled by Arcadius' hormone driven words, decided the only thing to make her happy was to meet Ben. So the two arranged to meet in a nice, sociable location, free from other runners or undue sexual tension.

They met in Artricia's Pepper Park 3 Love Nest.

The moment Artricia opened the door, her eyes popped out. Once they re-implanted them and cursed Gully Foyle's budget poke deal, she took the time to examine Ben.
Ben stood 5"9, 189 pounds and packing a lovely set of boobs.
Yes, Ben was a woman...

"Dis me will he, Ben will pay he will, yes he will..." Arcadius was pacing inside his apartment, "That bastard is trying to steal MY woman.... Oh I'll show him, I'll show them both!" and he stormed out of his apartment, heading to his peeping spot outside Artricia's love nest.

"You... you... You're a CHICK!!!" Artricia squealed.
"So are you..." Ben replied.
"But, but, but...."
"You believed in us before, why not now?" Ben looked deep into Artricia's glowing blue eyes. Artricia looked thoughtful for a second...
"Get over here Love Melons..."

MoonUnit was doing a random sweep of Neocron while invisible for disturbances. As he passed through Pepper Park, he heard some disturbing squeals and the occasional moan. Worried about someones safety, he walked through the wall of an apartment and stopped short.
"Oh....Oh.... OH MY FREAKN HELL!!!! DOUBLE ORDER OF SUSHI!!!!" MoonUnit had walked in on the greatest show of his lifetime. His brain overloaded with pleasurable thoughts and logic passed from his being.

Others had started to stand around in Pepper 3. The moaning had intensified.
"The moaning is intensifying." McDanish said.
"Thats my Love Nibblets!!" Arcadius had arrived on the scene.
"There is no runner named Love Nibblets. I believe Arcadius is attempting to refer to someone else by a coined affectionate terming he has deemed for that person." People starting gagging McDanish as Arcadius was looking homicidal. No one bothered to ask how he knew 'Love Nibblets' moan through a solid wall. At the knowledge that it was Artricia's pleasured moans they were hearing, most of the population of Neocron showed up.

MoonUnits sanity was gone. Two orders of sushi, mixing the sauce right before his eyes. Normal men cannot remain calm when faced with this. A Sushi addict like Moon had no hope.
"Oh the pretty sushi *twitch* it, argh... *twitch*... must be shared ...*twitch twitch*"
MoonUnit clicked his fingers and the walls disappeared and he turned visible.

Everyone was listening to the moans when all of a sudden, giant red subtitles slammed down in front of them "EXPICIT LESBO SEQUENCE!!!" and the wall disappeared and there was Artricia, Ben and MoonUnit. All bowed the Sushi Masta and beheld the show. Arcadius went postal
"Nifty Mounds!! How could you do this to me?" he screamed.
"Huh? EEEEKK!!!" At this time the girls realised they were now being broadcast live across CityCom terminals the world over. Then they saw MoonUnit, who had excreted some oil out of his STORM bot armour.
"Thats never happened to me before." he claimed.
"Bouncy Buns? Why? I have the equipment for ya, why'd you turn to the curvy side???" Arcadius was dismayed. McDanish ran over, grabbed the front of his trousers, pulled them away and stared inside with a scope.
"No, no he doesn't. What he 'claims' is equipment is actually ... ARRRGHGHH!!!" McDanish was killed that day, and it was not altogether undeserved.
"MoonUnit, you disturbed my bootey time!" Artricia growled, her eyes glowing more blue than usual.
"Now Art, come on, ya know you can't hurt me so don't even...." Artricia reached between her cleavage...

Now to those who do not know, all women possess a fold in space and time between their cleavage. This area is a null void that only they can access and has infinite storage ability. Its actually quite handy, but accessing anything there can often cause bystanders to look at you funny...

... and hauled out a 5 slot Spitfire Gatling pistol. Moon looked on in horror at the mod labelling on the ammo "LAG Round Enabled". He emmitted another fluid as Artricia sent him to the Higher Plane, courtesy of lag.

"Miss Nipple Missiles has betrayed me.... (sobs) what ever will i do... (sobs)... oh my precious (another runner screams "IT's MY PRECIOUS, Precious...") ...." and Art kicked him square in the teeth.
"For the last time, I am not getting with you Arcadius. You're nice enough and all but..."
"SHE CALLED ME NICE!!! You're all witnesses! You heard it!"
"I didn't..." McDanish called out ("Talking while dead, TEMP KICK" came CheapLoveMotels voice)
"Yeah, but listen, what I mean is...."
"You shall be mine! I will convert you from the all girl team! You called me nice. Bitch...."
"Oh for .... drop dead you Moron...." and Artricia opened fire with the Spitfire again. Once she had cleared all of Pepper and erected (no jokes) a new wall, she returned to Ben.
"Oh sweetness look what I found..." Ben waved around a flashlight-esque object.
"The DILDO OF MAVEN!!!"
"Damn straight, now get over here so we can abuse the hell out of this thing...."

Somewhere in the Wastelands...

Maven sits by himself in a hut.
"I feel so abused. Hey where's my flashlight?"

Until next time...

NERD Issue # 024

A Day In The Life Of A Jerriko Vendor

I arose at 0530, Neocron standard. My small, pokey plaza 3 apartment that I called home

was completely silent and aside from the occasionally passing hovercab, outside was as

well. I dragged myself off my recreation unit for yet another day of hard work. I grabbed

my uniform, checked myself in the mirror, had a nice tall glass of synthetic milk, then

went for the elevator.

At 0530, not a lots going on in the city. Few sane runners get up this early.

Unfortunately, I classed as below an insane runner. I wasn't even good enough to BE a

runner. I was a vendor. You know those guys who stand behind a desk and wave and smile

and buy or sell crap from ya? The crap that the aforementioned sane runners won't touch

because the quality sux and they all want to blame you because you sold it to them and they

automatically assume you made all of this and are solely responsible and never consider the

fact that the boss took all the good stuff to give to his cousin or something... *sigh* but

I digress...

I jumped on the subway and set off for Outzone station. There's not much to see in the

subway. It doesn't take long and the tunnels aren't much to look at after all. I sat with

my face close to the window waiting for the imminent pull up to the puke green stop of OZ

station. Along the way I actually noticed something of interest: a runner was dangling

from the ceiling of another tube, with a sewer rat pulling him round by his leg and the

runner trying to nail the rat with an SMG submachine gun, screaming obseneties at it as the

rat moved him ever closer to the main lines. Apparently this happens a lot, but normally

the runner in question doesn't get to work that early.

I pulled up towards the station and the door opened. I clambered out and proceeded down

the ramp, moved through the passages and passed a few of my fellow vendors, all entering

their stalls with a look of grief and dread.

Now, at this point I feel the need to explain something. As I said I am classed as sub-

runner. This means that during the genetic screening process it was determined I did not

have the adequate genetic material to become a fully fledged runner. Thus my choices were

to rebel against the city and hope to survive as part of the Anarchy Breed; become an

employee of a faction and hope for a nice office job; or join the Traders Union. The first

requires something my grandpapy referred to as 'balls' and well... apparently thats part of

the lacking genetic requirements I have. The second requires an unprecedented amount of

what what my grandmamy reffered to as 'on-your-knees' work. Never quite understood what

she meant by that. Thus that wasn't me. So I ended up a member of the Traders Union, or

Vendors as the runners simply refer to us.

Within the Traders Union there is a hierarchy, of ranks and positions to aspire to, and

jobs to fear. At the bottom of the scale is the jobs to fear: Pepper Park 1 is the single

most feared place to be a vendor, thus it is the starting position for all new vendors. If

you survive a week there, you get 'promoted' to working in Tech Haven. Many consider this

to be a demotion, as in Pepper you at least have a Copbot or two to watch your ass. In

Tech Haven you have these 4 legged things with a pneumatic nailgun that look like they're

made out of paperclips and are about as effective. After TH there's Military Base Duty,

Twlight Guardians duty, and then Outzone station duty. Outzone's considered the best

'crap' job as you get STORM bot protection, which is a far cry better than the protection

at all those other jobs. But still a lot die there.

Once you get past that job, as I had some 4 weeks ago, you are moved onto 'Outpost duty'.

Now Outpost duty can be absolutely sweet, or horrifying, depending on where you get

stationed. Working an op like say Grant Mine is a dream job, as nobody ever goes there!

No runners killing each other on your desk, no whiny customers demanding to know where they

can get a Long Laserblade 2, no jackass wanting to test the range of his Pain Easer on you.

But, there's the other hand, where you get stationed at one of the heavily contested

Outposts. The ones where factions and clans will spill blood on every square inch of the

outpost in order to claim it. And they don't care how many vendors get hit. They

occasionally care when their karma or soullight, kicks in, but half of them are so

bloodthirsty they couldn't give two tears in a bucket.

And thus was my lot today. I had been assigned to Jerikko Fortress. Don't let the name

fool you either. For a fortress it is suprisingly easy to invade. And of late it was a

warzone. JERK's had recently occupied it, and to be honest I like it when they occupy it

because they protect it pretty well. However they were at war with NUTS, who didn't

actually want the outpost, they just wanted to deny JERK's the outpost. Again, this wasn't

bad either because NUTS were very careful not to involve vendors in their wars, and best

yet, when it was over they placed stationary defenses. However, the battle for Jerikko was

not so simple. This particular outpost was wanted by PIMP, CRC, NUBI and NDA. Now NDA,

apparently, were starting to get along with NUTS, at least a little. Since the Seige of

Neocron they were at least generally on good terms. And in this they had agreed that NDA

would stay out of the fight till NUTS had taken Jerikko from their arch-nemesisisis...

their arch nimesasis... from the guys they don't like, and then NDA would occupy and hold

it later. Unfortunately CRC and PIMP were not so agreeable and were going to cause

problems.

I walked out of the giant double doors of Outzone station, greeted the STORM bots (I don't

care if they're machines or not, a little politeness to those killing machines means you

live longer) and proceeded down the ramp. There a few more of my fellow vendors were

having an early cup of Reprocessed Tea. I stopped to feel the wind in my face, the

radiation burn on my skin and welcomed the dawn of a new day in the Wastelands. Then I

walked down the ramp and joined my collegues. We only waited a minute or two before an APC

pulled up with the words 'Love Bus' stencilled on the side in crayon. Ithaqua of NUTS was

the driver. We all hopped in and Ithy began driving us out to our respective places of

work. This was one of Ithaqua's daily routines and a service he performed for NEXT.

Vendors unfortunately do not have the genetic requirements to survive Generep teleports so

must either walk or drive everywhere. Yes, I know. My life sux.

"Ok, all off for Jerikko, don't forget to wipe your feet on the way out." Ithaqua yelled

back. I hopped out and walked towards the outpost. As i walked through the arch, the

automated defenses activated and turned on me. My eyes bugged out, my prostate weakened

and I dived out of the way as lethal fire came surging towards my previous location.

Shaking like a leaf and packing a brand new wet patch on my uniform, I waved my ID in sight

of the guns. They registered my ID and de-activated. I entered the outpost and went to

find a corner to relieve myself in.

Around about 11am, I was standing behind my desk, scouring off somebody's brain matter that

had been left from the night before, when the JERK's arrived. Shadow went to relieve

himself, only to start screaming at people and demanding to know who pissed in his spot. I

said nothing. Murkster walked in and demanded some repair goo.
"Certainly sir, that will be 3,489nc".
"WHAT?? This is our outpost. I get the discount!"
"Thats with the discount sir," I replied, sweating profusely from my posterior. Murkster

pulled his Holy Lightning module out.
"And now???"
"If I say 2,000nc will I live?"
"You will."
"Then its 2,000nc sir, sorry for the inconvenience." I handed him the goo and he walked

away, laughing at how ne'd bullied a sweet deal out of a vendor. I laughed to myself in

that all profits from sales go to the outpost owners anyway, so he'd effectively screwed

himself. Not that I'd tell him that.

A little later on, I was taking my lunch break. I sat down behind the desk and ate my

ratmeat burger. A few of my fellow vendors were having a synthetic whisky, as it was

indeed cold today in the Wastes. They were talking about something that obviously

interested them so I removed my 'mute local' devices (also known as earplugs) and listened

in.
"I'm tellin ya, the wall disappeared and there's these two hot chicks going at it!!"
"Come on, why would the wall disappear?"
"MoonUnit."
"WTF??? Moon put on a Sushi buffet and I missed it? NOOOOOO!!!"
"Yeah, poor Arcadius seemed crushed. I hear he considered moving onto another chick."
"No way, Arcadius? The guy who comes in here and slaps a red wig on a vendor and starts

practicing his flirt lines? Not a chance."
"I'm tellin ya, I hear he was cybering some chick called Betty just the other day."
"Dude.... Betty's a guy."
"HUH!!!!"
"Yeah man, Betty's a guy. If he's cybering Betty, then we got mores to worry about then

him giving up on Artricia." Everyone, including me, shuddered at the thought of Arcadius

practicing his 'new' pick-up lines if this was true. We found out later that it was

actually a lie. Arcadius was simply calling Betty to ask him to dig up some dirt on Ben.
"Well anyway, it'd be a loss of business if ... ACCK!!!" the two stopped talking and

started wailing like a Drom getting an enema as a shot from a Doom Beamer blew 5 limbs off

between the two of them. I kissed my well made desk for protecting me, till I realised

what parts of my co-workers had been smeared on it. The kissing stopped after that.

It was at 1540 NST that the attack came. PIMP had decided to take Jerriko and CRC were

coming along as well. JERK's sat inside under the protection of turrets and fired on their

attackers. CRC stood at a distance and used ranged attacks. PIMP kept firing shots inside

with their cannons. I pissed my pants again.
"Somebody make them stop, when will the hurting stop!!" I screamed. Agent K took cover

behind my desk.
"No no no, you can't be here, if you're here then.... eeeek!" Carinth stood before my desk

and opened fire. Agent K grabbed me and stood up, using me as a human shield.
"THINK THIS THROUGH!!! YOU THINK HE CARES ABOUT ME????" He didn't. Carinth opened fire

full auto. Thankfully K dropped me and I fled into the corner. Then a grenade landed by

my feet so I fled down the stairs. Then the turrets turned on me and I realised the

grenade just blew up my ID, so I ran back up the stairs. Then I see Carinth and K going

melee styles inside so I dive behind a box. Then I realise where Shadow has decided to

make his new peepee hole, so I jumped behind another desk.

The killing carried on for some time. Eventually NDA got the go ahead from NUTS and

crushed everyone. They marched in and took the outpost by force. Centuri came up to see

the state of the shops and found only me.
"Dude... that aint right. You're sitting in a puddle and it ain't raining. Go clean

yourself up, I'll call for some more vendors." and walked off. As I stood up to get myself

cleaned, I got accosted and hauled up to the desk by Cereal Killa, who declares he needed

to buy medpacks. At this point, my mind kinda lost it
"Oh you need.... YOU NEED!!! Well whooptee freakn doo man. Want a medal? I need to LIVE

but no one thinks about that!!"
"Err, easy dude I was just sayin..."
"Of course you were, you guys always are!!! Do you KNOW the sh*t we go through to supply

your cheapass, tightwad no respect giving monkeyspunk asses with stuff you just whine about

anyway???" Yes, the old adage was true. This job would be great if it weren't for the

customers.... and the projectile fire.
"Listen, I'll go get meds somewhere else. Don't blow a fuse man..."
"Oh he still bitches about meds, here, have all the meds in the world!!!" I threw out the

entire contents of the store before him.
"DUDE!!! Sweet!! Freebies!!"
"THAT'S IT!!! I QUIT!!! It'd be easier as Anarchy Breed. I kiss this job goodbye," and

made the mistake of kissing the bench again. I marched right past Cereal Killa who was

grabbing everything he could, only to drop half of it back out of the hole in his backpack.

I shouldered my way past a bewildered Centuri on the ramp and stormed towards the exit.

Wish I'd remembered to pick my ID up...

The Biotech doctors say its a miracle I survived getting hit by 11 Gatling turrets

simultaneously. They reckon I'll be back on my feet in no time. Some might think that

being bedridden and unable to move for 6 months would be a bad thing. Those people however

do not realise my bed has a perfect view into Artricia's love nest.

Until next time...