Nerd 1 - The Archive

Gahhh... ease up folks. Not one hour has passed since the last one... I do have other duties around this game to attend to you know.

Anywho, I've decided to take a page out of MJS's book with the planfiles and mention a few upcoming points for future NERD's.

- The introduction of Derisor as a cameo appearance whenever I deem it necessary.
- An upcoming tale about TeH KillerBunneH's secret Warren. A must read
- Some vindication for the CRC boys who apparently don't play musical instruments or dance. Hence they can do barbershop quartets from now on (jokes, I'll come up with something though).
- More EGOS. We already have the incompetent Laemin, the washed out MoonUnit and the redneck gun toting CheapLoveMotel as recurring characters. Critter and some of the others will start to appear soon.
- "A Tale of Two Newbies" the true horrors of being a newbie revealed.
- Lionn Reza (I'll figure out how to spell his name right one day). I've had to scrap a few character designs for him due to recent world politics, but once I've got him figured out, the enigmatic mofo shall appear.
- And last but not least, the MJS guest appearance. I'm a little worried about that one (in case I end up getting fired the next day) but hey, thats never stopped me before.
- New clan name for SODOM and a shake up for NUBI.

I'm also debating heavily whether to start working on a 60 page or so short story (yes 60 pages is a short story) as my personal introduction to Dome of York. However to do that might mean NERD production would drop off sharply, so I probably won't (unless I get a really good idea that haunts me day and night stopping me from eating, sleeping and goofing off).

Back to my Tae Bo....

lol Vash. But don't you know, in 30 years time when you say that, the kids will look at you funny cause you keep pointing at a keyboard and monitor and saying, "I played Neocron on that." and they'll be all "WTF? You didn't get to walk around in the virtual world? Well what about when you got injured? Didn't the neural connections give you shocks?" and you'll end up looking even more out of date than you actually are.

Well you'll all have to forgive the lack of a NERD tonight (NOOO they all scream and try to lynch me) but I had not the energy nor the creativity to do a good one. Especially as I've posted 13 in 5 days already.

The recording studio for the songs is closed this weekend due to Hurricane Turntables being offline for a little while. Nonetheless, more songs and stories will be written over the weekend and if luck prevails I can have another one ready soon.

My thanks to those who've PM'ed me with little details and stories for use in NERD, I look forward to more in the future.

Anywhy, off I go to bring you more of NERD, the coolest thing since the underside of a pillow and more sophisticated than the lock on Bill Gates' wallet.

Hmn.... that could be egg on my face actually.

Fortunately this is all total fiction so ballz ups like that are allowable, but its good to see people are up on the plotline (quickly hauls out the manual again and starts reading up).

NERD Issue # 014

A Canyon of JERK's

"Let the Council of SODOM come to order." Murkster began.
"Our first order of business. Our mortal enemies in ASS have treacherously moved over to NEXT. Tangent High Command has stated that we may not touch them." Agent K pointed out.
"Noo!! I cannot allow this! I will never, EVER forgive ASS." Shadow spat.
"NUTS." .cylon pointed out.
"Whatever body part they're calling themselves. I will have my revenge." SODOM was grunting and cheering in approval.
"Umm... do you even remember why you're so angry at them?" One of the newer recruits asked. All of a sudden, the members of SODOM got glazed looks as they all simultaneously entered 'The Flashback Zone'...

It was a bright summers morning. The flying roaches were out in force, the dragonflies were multiplying by the thousands near the waters edge. And along skipped Murkster, happy as can be to be out in the southern wastes. He skipped along towards Tyron Factory where he had a special suprise waiting for him. Murkster was in the prime of his life. He was 17 and loving it. His voice hadn't picked an octave yet and his skin was fleshing red sores like he'd spent too much time in the heavy radiation zones. And today, he was going to his secret stash of 'Hazard Weed'. That special blend of Northern Wasteland weed and Hazard Worm extract that nuked the mind for days.

Murkster arrived at his secret stash and found the crate he always left it in. He overturned it, only to find.... NOTHING!! His secret stash was not so secret anymore, and now it was gone! He looked left, looked right, looked down and then looked up and saw the giant cloud of smoke. He followed the suspicious cloud to its source, only to find a 22 year old ReefSmoker doing his part for Wasteland pollution.
"YOU... YOU... I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!"

Agent K had just joined the Tangent Technologies Security force at the tender age of 19. Eager to serve, but disinclined to die, he had invested some of the money he'd earned working parttime at WacNadalds into armour and bonenforcements. Now he needed some implant work done. So along he went to the Poke Central of the World; Plaza 1. There he looked around for someone to implant his new bonenforcements. After a time he came across Gully Foyle, a mature 27 year old man with a long history of fine pokage work. So he contracted for the work to be done. Now, in those days, one had to undergo a fairly heavy dose of anaesthetic before having ones skeleton removed, so Foyle administered the standard dose of anaesthetic (3 clubs to the back of the head with a baseball bat) and began work.

Agent K awoke groggily and had to crawl to the recreation unit, unable to stand. He figured it must be the weight of the new bones that kept making him topple over forwards. Eventually he activated the recreation unit and his neural activity began to clear up. His eyes focused, strength returned and he was able to stand up. He turned to look at the nearby mirror. At first it didn't quite register, but then it did. He ripped his shirt off and stared bug eyed at his chest.
"You gave me BOOBIES??? I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!"

Shadow was at that curious age when all he really wanted was girls. And today it looked like he was gonna get just that. He'd found a sexy young woman and pulled her aside near the ASG in Plaza 4.
"Hey babey, you roxxor my world. Whats about a show huh?" Shadow suggested.
"Tee Hee, you're so nasty. I'll show you mine if you show me yours." The young woman replied.
"Sweet deal!!" And with that Shadow hauled his pants down to his ankles and bared all. The young woman burst into roars of laughter, and then as she blinked her head made clicking sounds.
"Thanks for the screenshots DUMBASS!!" Evangelion took off, still laughing and went to publish her screenies in the next Neocronicle.
"I ... I ... I WANNA GET SOME!!! oh yeah... AND I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!"

The glazed looks passed by and all the Megatron wannabe's came back to their senses.
"Wha...what was that?" Murkster squealed. Then he remembered he had bass in his voice now.
"I think we just got timewarped." Shadow replied. A unanimous 'Ohhh' came up from those present.
"So... anyway, what do we do now?" Agent K, like everyone else now had a renewed desire to punish their enemies. Shadow looked at all of SODOM and said:
"We will crush all NUTS!!!" Giant red subtitles slammed down below Shadow saying "CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT". All of SODOM looked pained.

2 days later, an uproar was heard inside the psi module vendors hovel in Twilight Guardians. X happened to be passing by and looked in. There he saw Shadow beating seven shades of shampoo out of the vendor and demanding cash immediately.
"Hey hey hey... what do you think you're doing to ... your own vendor?" X noticed the Twilight Guardians tags Shadow was now wearing. "Dude, I've not seen you before. Who are you?"
"I'm a JERK!!!" Shadow responded. X looked around the busted up shop.
"Yes I can see that, now who are you?"
"I said I'm a JERK!!!"
"Ohh kay, I think we've established your attitude, but ... oh forget it." X and Shadow came to blows over the confusion and tried to kill each other. Shadow won only because at one point during the fight, X fired off a shot from his Malediction Fusion Cannon which narrowly missed Shadow, pulled a Magic Bullet and managed to kill 3 guards (off the cliffside, through the window, past the guards, nothing but dead). His soullight plummeted and all the TG guards opened fire upon him.
"DAMN IT!!!" And he cursed the day he ever bought a Hit-Me-Sure cannon from The Constructor.

And so it was that JERK (Jerikko to Eastgate Resident Killers) made known their dominating precence in Twilight Guardians. A new day dawned in the Twilight (umm.. hang on that don't make any sense) and the Guardians went on the Offensive (where are these contradictions in terms coming from??). JERK's launched an immediate assault on NEXT personnel. JERK's kicked NUTS right where it hurts. The operation was unexpected and swift, and NUTS bled as a result (the author has a pained look on his face).

Victorious JERK's returned to their new home. Upon arriving at their new clan apartment, Shadow screamed.
"What, what is it?" .cylon asked
"Look!!!" He yelled.
"Dude I told you to go before we left Neocron." Murkster told him off. For it was at this point that they realised... Twilight Guardians don't have toilets.

Until next time...

Err... thank you. I don't know what PIE is, but I'll take it anyway.

Having taken most of the weekend to ice my fingers and recover from last weeks post-a-thon, I now return once again to hammer this forum with the only newspaper in Neocron that brings you what you really want - nothing but crap.

So sit tight because Issue (erm... *counts on fingers*....) 015 will be out shortly.

NERD Issue # 015

Canadians: They Walk Among Us

It was about 0400 hours in Tech Haven Sector 2. Not the busiest time the Citadel of Technology had, but hardly empty either. A few members of Technocracy were walking their patrol routes, as the self proclaimed Protectors of Tech Haven. Only a few of them were out and about at this time. The ever busy DX Defender being the most noteworthy. As Defender walked the corridors, he spotted something strange. Two legs were stuck out from behind the bartenders area near the genereps, and seemed to be being dragged away. Defender, neither fearing gravity nor that imminent snapping noise, leaped from the balcony and landed on the ground level (only a minor fracture, nothing a piece of dead rat won't cure). He walked towards where the legs had been slowly, fingering his sidearm in case combat should be in his future. The closer he got, the louder a series of repetitive grunting sounds got. All of a sudden Defender relaxed. Now he was sure it was just Soulburner, having decided to come up from NEXT HQ to visit, having some of his 'fun'. Probably with a poor mechturtle that tried to escape from the Cores.
"Soul, seriously, theres a time and place for that sort of thi...." Defender stepped round the corner, but did not find Soulburner. Instead he was faced with several new faces. He grabbed his gun again.
"Who are you, identify yourselves." Defender demanded.
"Who are we? You should know us by now..." Torque responded.
"Oh its just Megaman's backup dancers." Defender sighed relief.
"WE ARE NOT HIS BACKUP DANCERS!!! WE WERE JUST GOING THRU A PHASE!!!" Demon-surge growled.
"Yeah right, and does Megaman know you're out by yourselves? He'll get angry." Defender joked with them.
"We're through with Megaman." Twitch yelped, then darted behind a chair.
"Really? What happened?" Defender asked. All of a sudden everyone got a glazed look on their face...

Demon-surge and Torque were once again standing around the jukebox. Megaman was playing 'Happy Days' for the 1700th time when he shot the jukebox to bits and looked at his boys.
"Guys, I got some bad news." Megaman said quietly.
"Whats wrong Mega? You just got your mind back, after Moon kicked you. What could be wrong?" Demon-surge asked.
"Well guys it goes like this...."

(The Following Song "WorldPay" is done to the tune of 'Yesterday' by The Beatles. Vocals by Danae and Editing by Hurricane Turntables. The song file will be available shortly. Lyrics by NERD, a subsidiary of LaeminCorp, All Rights Reserved.)

"Yesterday.... my mailbox had a bill from WorldPay.
Now I know that if I want to stay,
I must get cash by This Sunday..."

Suddenly.... my gametime ain't what it used to be.
Now the managers' hanging over me.
I shouldn't be, on IRC

Why... am... I so broke, I don't know, I couldn't say....
Oh, sh*t, now I know, its the porn from Yesterday."

Yesterday, 'love' was such an easy game to play.
Porno mags I need to hide away,
A tonne of cash, I threw away...

Now... I'm...stuck right here, working for my measly pay...
Some... one... help me out, I can't stay in this Subway.

Yesterday, Neocron was such an easy game.
All my enemies would run away.
Soon I'll play, like Yesterday."

Megaman almost had a tear in his eye. These strange events were happening to him in the Realm of the Real, and his crossover to the Neocron realm was to be interrupted. He looked to Demon and Torque for moral support, but found them snoring away. Apparenlty the song had worked like a sedative. Megaman became furious and went to slay his former associates, but the anomaly occured and Megaman was dragged into the terrifying Realm of the Real by the omnipotent powers of the collective known as WorldPay (remember boys and girls, don't ever mess with Worldpay, or you two will be singing this song).

And so it was that the musical trio turned into a solo group. Torque and Demon-surge thought long and hard about what they were gonna do next. And then it struck them. With 5 of their other associates, they formed a clan, under the banner of the Black Dragons.

...the glazed looks passed on and everyone returned to normal.
"Damn timewarps..." Anti PK muttered.
"The Timewarps are out to get us man!!" Twitch hid behind a stack of boxes. Everyone ignored him.
"So again I ask, who are you now?" Defender resumed his talk.
"We," Demon struck a proud pose, "are the Corpse Ra..." he never finished as a bolt of Lightning smashed through the ceiling and into the floor. The lightning then reformed into a physical being, that of the almighty Odin.
"CRAPP!!!" Defender was stunned at the sudden turn of events.
"What is it?" Corrosion yelled.
"We're all doomed dudes, Its DEVS!!!" Twitch wet himself and hid behind a manhole cover.
"Whats a DEVS?" Torque asked.
"Not a DEVS, The DEVS. Deity's Encouraging Violent Society. They're the creators of our world. Through violence, they're 'Building Better Worlds' (Giant red subtitles slam down "SHAMELESS PROMOTION, KK").
"Encouraging violent society? How, they done something cool?" Torque asked again.
"Yeah dude, first they made the world, then they let us slag it with the Cleansing Light." Demon replied.
"Pffft, thats nothing, anyone can make a world. They do anything violent?"
"They developed the NERF Cannon." At this, Torque's knees started to shake.

For those of you who don't know, the NERF cannon is a horrible weapon that DEVS use on entire classes when they think they're doing too well in society. A sort of social justice by basically blowing their balls off and turning what was once an all powerful class of society into a bunch of kindergarten teachers with baseball bats. Beware the NERF cannon, it may be aimed at YOU next.

"You are CRC?" Odin finally got to ask.
"Dudes, Odin's gonna kill us all, He's gonna nerf me bad.... Noooo" Twitch started convulsing in the corner.
"Shut up." Odin growled.
"Oh man, I'm too young to get nerfed... Nooo, noooooooo"
"I SAID SHUT UP!" the halls of TH rumbled, "I R Odin. I R l337."
"Actually Mr. Odin sir, its 'I AM Odin. I am elite.'," Vaylen jumped in here, "I think you'll find thats much better." Odin just stared at Vaylen for a very long time.
"Ohhh...kay.... I AM Odin. I AM elite. And if You Interrupt me again I'm gonna shove my NERF cannon up your peehole, got it?" Vaylen did not speak again for some weeks.
"Now, again I ask, are you CRC?"
"Yeah baby, we're the Corpse Ra..." Odin suddenly transported all of CRC to their clan apartment before they could finish the sentence.
"I am here to stop you from using that name." Odin spoke once the warping was complete.
"WHAT?? WHY???"
"Because it hath offended The DEVS. Further it is... is..." Odin stopped talking as he looked around the clan apartment. What he beheld was the most clean apartment ever. Not just clean and tidy, but clean as in sterile and without defect.
"Its... its true isn't it, you really are.... YOU'RE CANADIANS!!!!" Odin screamed.

Now NERD brings to you a lesser known fact about World War 3. As history has stated, the initial missile strikes hit London and Germany and then proceeded to wipe the floor with the rest of the world. But what was never mentioned was that three times as many missiles were launched at the country formerly known as Canada. For as everyone knows, all nuke users hate clean people. And Canadians are very, very clean. It was also believed that in a post apocalyptic world, the Canadians would be the ones to clean up the mess. Thus anarchists have always sought to destroy any that have shown 'Canadian' tendencies since WW3. To find Canadians in this day and age is almost unheard of.

"Yeah Odin, thats what I've been trying to tell you. We're the Corpse Rap..." again Demon was cut off as Odin pulled his NERF cannon and blasted CRC right in their ID's.
"Aaaahhh!! What did you do?" Twitch screamed.
"Check your ID's now. You shall not bear that name ever again." Odin stated. Sure enough, they were now the Corpse [censored by the DEVS] Canadians.
"Noooo. Odin you must PAY!!!" All of CRC pulled their weapons and opened fire on Odin, who instantly disappeared. Their fire flew into an adjoining room where a scream could be heard. CRC looked forward to see a NUTS Toilet crew in there, one of which had absorbed all the firepower.
"I'm in an extraordinary amount of pain..." Hurricane groaned before he died.
"Oh my Lioon, They killed Hurricane." McDanish was there too.
"YOU BASTIDS!!!" why people keep bringing Shodough along is beyond reckoning.
"Oooh, a corpse!" Demon looked on with lust in his eyes and drool on his chin.
"Uhhh... Odin, little help?" Hurricane asked.
"You're talking while dead again, Temp Kick!" Odin booted Hurricane to limbo again.
"Nooooo....."

Until next time...

Heh, ok guys, I'll leave you to your personal 'issues'. Anyway, CRC have given me a few more ideas for storylines, so congratulations, you're now the official Black Dragons clan for NERD.

The Megaman jukebox continues to grow, and if you have a request for a song you think might be good, PM me via the boards. (I've been told by the vocalist that no raps will be accepted as there's no way she can pull that off, and all of us have agreed that there will be no more Britney parodies as having to listen to them to write the parody is causing mental trauma).

So, off I go to complete hopefully another NERD before too long. A quick word of warning, there will be one or two serious stories at some point, as we get closer to Dome of York, to try and set a little mood. Hopefully I can pull off a little drama, but if not just flame me and I'll stop (Lisa Davitt looks up into Shodough's eyes, bleeding internally "I don't think I'm gonna make it *cough* you go on without me.... "BOOBIES".... no, I may be over my head here...)

Anyway, back to bringing you NERD, with more chesthairs than a monkey and half the tablemanners of one too.

Oi.... the use of stupid acronyms is MY JOB!!!

Anyway, it is not my intention to turn NERD into a muscial (NERD's on Broadway...hmn....) but rather to just have the occasional stupid tune you can love or hate as you feel like.

That in mind, I'm hoping to have both Issue 16 "You've Been Derizor'd" and Issue 17 "A Tale of Two Newbies" out within the day (as the Realm of the Real will be screwing up my writing schedule the day after that).

Off I go once again....

NERD Issue # 016

You've Been Derizor'd

Vain, Lisa Davitt, Trillian and Evangelion were standing around in Pepper Park 1. Today was their day off from toilet installation work, and they were wondering what they should do.
"What shall we do?" Lisa asked.
"You said that already." Trillian said.
"No I didn't. The narrator did."
"Ohh...." Trillian looked around pointlessly for me...err the narrator.
"I say we go kill some JERK's!" yelled Lisa. Trillian, her identical twin jumped up in agreement.
"No, we should Neofrag." Vain suggested.
"Kill JERK's," Lisa retorted.
"Neofrag."
"JERK's"
"NEOFRAG."
"Guys, I know how we can settle this," Eva began, "lets just have a poll..." Lisa, Trillian and Vain all recoiled back in horror from Eva.
"What? What did I say?"
"You Idiot! You called for a poll, don't you know what that means?" All of a sudden, a rumbling could be heard. They all looked around, the copbots started fidgeting, and nearby onlookers started to worry. Then, crashing through everything in his path, a runner came charging in from Pepper 2 directly towards them. He ground his heels to the floor and skidded to a stop right in front of them.
"Did someone say... poll?" And there he was. Derizor, Overlord of the Poll. Lisa, Vain and Trillian knew of him all to well, Eva was about to find out. With an artificial grin on his face, he slung an arm over Evas shoulder (and tried to cop a feel at the same time) and said to her.
"So, you're trying to decide what to do now, huh?" the grin never left his face, "not sure what to do? Well thats ok, I'm here to help, so lets play...." and all of a sudden the set of a cheezy 20th century gameshow slammed down around them "... You've Been Derizor'd" Cheers from the audience were heard. The 4 NUTS wondered where they'd all come from. The four of them were seated behind a bench, on stools with a glass each and a jug full of what from the outside appeared to be water, but was actually just painted on for show. They each had a microphone in front of them and a scantily dressed Mutant girl standing behind them for... no particular reason. Derizor was standing behind his podium on the opposite side of the stage. Between them was a big board with neon lights that showed the two choices. At present it showed no votes for either side. Then there was the crowd and a few guys working camera's as all this was broadcast around Neocron.

"Ladies and GenTanks (forced laughter), I mean gentlemen ahahaha (cheezy laughter). Welcome to another edition of /You've Been Derizor'd' (more forced laughter, strangely similar to the one before). Today we have 4 NUTS. They're having a dilemma (awwww's from the crowd). Yes, they can't figure out what to do today. But we know how to help them, don't we folks? (cheers come from the crowd). Could our 4 contestants please introduce themselves..." Derizor turned to look at contestant number 1.
"Hi, I'm Evangelion," the other 3 were panic stricken. They'd seen a few broadcasts of this show and did NOT want to be a part of it. Unfortunately, the comfy stools they sat on also came with metaxylim enhanced shackles. They were going to have to endure it. Eva finished her introduction to applauds and the other 3 reluctantly did theirs.
"Ok, folks. Here's the rules. Each of you will get a chance to try and persuade our studio audience (yet another very similar cheer) and the folks out there to pick your choice. Then we'll take calls from out there and get some feedback on what Neocron thinks 'You should Do!! ahahaah" Derizor leaned to the side and took a shot of Whiteflash away from the camera's. You can't force this kind of cheezyness without being at least a bit doped.

All of Neocron was affixed to their screen. Though no one wanted to BE on the show, when the show was on, it was one of the most captivating experiences going. People were crowded around CityTerms and display boards everywhere.

"Ok Vain.... lets hear your thoughts. Why do you think you should Neofrag."
"Well Der, I feel that..." he got cut off.
"Don't call me Der. I am, DERIZOR!"
"yeah, so ok then, thats peachy keen for you. Anyway..." Derizor almost lost his grin, "I think we should Neofrag cause it makes us better for when we fight JERK'S!" The crowd grunted and the ratings went up another 5 points. "And I think its better cause I don't have to trapse my ass across the world to find some JERK's." (more grunts, 2 more points on the ratings).
"Okay, so lets look at the board and ...WOAH!!! Seems Neocron agrees with you Vain, we've got 28 votes saying you should Neofrag, and only 4 votes for fighting JERK's. Lets hear from some of our voters..." A crackly line kicks in as a runner's direct message gets beamed through the speakers. "Hello, and who is this?"
"Hi, this is pepsi. I'd just like to say that Neocron rocks man. You should definitely go there and tune your skills."
"Thank you pepsi. Your vote was appreciated. Next caller...."
"I R L337 Precious, UZ SUXX. RIZOR SUXX. I SHUD RUN DIS SHOWS, yes precious.... NEOFRAG SUX. I PWNS UZ AL......" Sid got cut off there.
"Well one of our long time listeners, often time callers and never usefull runners there folks, Insidious Wolf. You have been disconnected for (big red Subtitles) DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR. Thank you, call again." Derizor takes another shot os some suspect substance "Okay, that was exciting. Lets hear from the blondes now."
"Well," the two 'sisters' started giggling as only blondes can, "we feel that fighting JERK's is better for you because its the real thing, and gives a greater feeling of accomplishment." Resounding cheers and catcalls.
"Well thank you and ...WOAH!!!! Seems Neocron loves its blondes too. Look at that rating climb. Now its 298 votes to 38 in favour of kicking some JERK ass. Who will win this poll? Who will get their way? And who will Get DERIZOR'D!! We'll take a short commercial break and be right back." Derizor ran offstage and started injecting stuff into every open vein he could find....

>>>>> Commercial Break <<<<<<

This Friday, 2100 hours Neocron standard, a very special show is about to take place. From the Higher Plane of Existence comes Ice Angel and Ayreon, the duet you've been waiting for. Yes, City Admin in association with the Concentre proudly brings to you 'Great At Yoddling' a muscial symphony for your cultural pleasure. Two EGOS that are out of this world. Make sure to book early at your local Archer & Wessons for Tickets to EGOS: They're GAY (Great At Yoddling).....

The previous advertisement has been removed for reconstruction. We thank you for your time and suggest you forget everything you just heard.

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>>>>>> Commercial Break Ends <<<<<

"Ok folks we're back. Now who will win our poll? Its an exciting time so lets..." a section of the set exploded and Crono stepped through the debris.
"Derizor... I've come to stop your evil voting tyrrany."
"Crono... my arch nemesis. You can't stop me! My will shall be done! I decide the winners of polls, not the people... oh wait, I'm still live." an uproar went up across the land as people realised that Derizor rigged the polls! No matter how right the other side was, no one could win if they didn't agree with Derizor. Crono went to attack Derizor.
"Not so fast Crono. One step further and I'll drop your friends into a pit of Sewer Flies!" All of a sudden EGOS Laemin warps in.
"NOOOO. They'll like, lay eggs in your head and other orifices and it'll just be ... wrong." and then he disappeared again (big red subtitles slam down "POINTLESS CAMEO APPEARANCE")
"Damn, you got me by the short and curlies Derizor..." Crono grumbled.
"Muahahahaah, I am Teh Derizor. I decide who.... ooohhhhh." All of a sudden all of Derizor's drugs wore off and he couldn't even see his hand. He tried to reach for the button but ended up doing a zigzag walk off the stage. Crono needed no further encouragement. He got his friends off the seats, pushed the button and shoved Derizor into the pit of flies.
"Let no man call for a poll again in Neocron. For all they bring is pain and flames and vote rigging." Crono proclaimed. And all Neocron agreed, and decided to not call for polls, and then went to talk the females into visiting BioTech.

Until next time...

Geez... would you two stop flirting already....

NERD Issue 22: Ben and Artricia get a room.

yes I should really write that....

Anyways, I ran out of time so the 17 issue will have to wait till tomorrow. I'll try and churn out a few more chapters quickly once Thursday's past to make up for the slight delays.

Oh and I've pretty much decided that Issue 20 will NOT be a comedy but a plotpoint story, sort of my take on the whole Dome of York thing. Hopefully it can be enjoyable still.

Until later then, from the guy who's earlier...

haha, you mean you'll TRY to flirt with all the girls.

Of course figuring out which are just pretty guys in disguise will be your main task!

But just to make you happy....

(NERD Editor begins conjuring up a mech, using all his willpower to create one)

Ahh here you go ben, a nice new..... Mech the size of a Transformer toy and sadly lacking in guns.....

Oh well, you weren't specific.

(NERD Editor warps over to the US and kidnaps Britney Spears at 5:30 in the morning without the 11 hours of cosmetic work)

Here, just point this in their direction, they'll all fall over dead. Get it to sing and their heads will explode for added cool gore effects.

Hah, how could I look past NDA? The only reason NDA hasn't made it into the story yet is because I'm holding them back for a later idea i had. But certainly they'll be making their appearance before Issue 25 (you should all ph33r how much of this story is already playing away in my head....)

Anyway, Issue 17 should be out really soon so stay tuned...

NERD Issue # 017

A Tale of Two Newbies

We here at NERD like to take the time to bring you the stories you both want to hear, and the ones you need to hear. Today's tale will be a touching reminder of what it was like to be the idiot newbie, fresh out of cryo-freeze, and all of a sudden in the harsh world we know as Neocron.

"Hmn... whats this? Erm... goguardian... what does this do? Hmn.... oh I can put stuff in here. Cool. Whats this? Gene Replicator. That sounds fun... what does this do? Teleport, sweet, I can teleport hehe, 'Beam me up Scotty!' yeah yeah, this is cool. Oooh ooh, whats that..." This pointless rambling carried on for quite some. It comes with that freeze dried brain feeling when you're fresh out of cryo. That sense that 'everything is cool' and you're amazed by the slightest thing, like how many chairs your table has, and whats out your window (which only looks at the wall of the nearby building anyway).

The rambling was coming from Smokey. He had recently been brought to full animation and was acquainting himself with his apartment. Having read his mails (only to realise how much of a waste of time that was) checked his cabinets (and after trying to eat a few poisonglands, decided this was a bad idea) located the door (which was harder than you might think) and gone through it, he came to his elevator entrance.
"Okay, I just use this and... password? What password? I need a password to get out? How should I know that? Help!! Help!!" And he began dancing around on the spot like Fred Durst needing heamorroid cream. All of a sudden, reality behind him bent and Legatus of the EGOS 2nd Circle (there being 3 circles, 1st being the top, and the 3rd being the little bitches of EGOS kind) appeared behind him.
"Greetings!" Legatus spoke.
"Ack! An invader! You're in a whole world of hurt pal... Die!" Smokey tried to punch Legatus. Naturally Legatus' invincibility made this utterly pointless (not that it would have done much good anyway).
"Ohhhh... nooooo. You're one of THEM!" Legatus groaned.
"Why isn't this working?" Smokey stopped after 8 minutes of desperately trying to swat his foe like a bug.
"First thing, its your fist and not a good attack for killing other people. Second, I'm an EGOS, and am invincible, so you can't hurt me, and 3rd, you got your Law Enforcer in fool. You can't hurt other runners and they can't hurt you. Get it?" Smokey just blinked.

After 11 re-explanations, Smokey understood.
"Ok, sorry about that Legatus." he honestly apologised.
"No problem. Now, you did the dance of summoning, so what was bothering you before I got here?"
"I don't know the password to my elevator. How do I get out?" Legatus tried to supress his groans again.
"No No, to get down you just click on 'ground floor' and you'll....hey I'm talking!" But it was too late, Smokey had shot outside already, without learning how to get back in. Legatus just gave up and went back to the EGOS realm where he found RandomAccess, also of the 2nd Circle.
"Hey Random, I just got summoned to the worst place..."
"You and me both dude, I just got summoned to this girl called SexX's appt. And guess what for?"
"Couldn't use the elevator?"
"Worse, couldn't get to the elevator cause the door wouldn't open. Had to point to the little terminal for her."
"Ohh man... you know what this means?"
"Yep.... they're here."
"Newbies."

For those of you who have supressed all memory of anything to do with that word, a Newbie is an individual lacking all knowledge and any degree of skill in everything. Fortunately most runners quickly evolve from being a Newbie to being clueless, and then from there to being a novice. However, in the cases of SexX and Smokey, it was looking like it was going to be a long trek through the evolutionary phase. We here at NERD also feel the need to point out the difference between a Newbie (definition above) and a N00b and a NUBI. A N00b is a person who has limited knowledge, skills and resources, but believes that they know all, have all and are all powerful. These are much worse than Newbies, for they know how to use their chat device and can thus spam. Both of these are different from a NUBI (Neocron's Ultimate Band of Idiots) who are runners that follow the egomaniac Insidious Wolf to their deaths, repeatedly. But we'll have more on them later also. We thank you for your attention.

After 3 days of wandering around plaza, Smokey and SexX had learned that a.) copbots get agro if you keep talking to them b.) standing in a doorway when its sliding shut is not as entertaining as it looks c.) Vendors have a lot of stuff in their coat pockets which they flash at you if you talk to them and d.) the other runners are a lot faster than they were. They also managed to find each other, and being of relatively equal brainpower, they decided to work together.

"So," SexX began, "any idea what we should try today?"
"Well, we've got these knives they issued us out of cryo right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well there's gotta be somewhere we can use them."
"But everywhere we go the copbots tell us to 'drop that weapon'. Its like that all through plaza." SexX replied
"Well maybe there's somewhere outside of Plaza." Smokey suggested.
"Outside Plaza, haha, you're joking right." Yes, its sad but true, but the average newbie believes that the entire world consists of Plaza. Its a sad existence... very sad.

The two were standing around in Plaza 2 the next day when they heard someone laughing his ass off behind them.
"LMAO!!!" Megaman was almost in tears.
"Whats LMAO mean?" SexX was bewildered.
"ROFLMAO!!!" Megaman cracked up.
"Huh? What language is he speaking?" Smokey asked.
"Oh crap, as if the LE's weren't bad enough, you two are total newbies."
"Whats a newbie?" SexX asked.
"LOL. Whats a newbie, thats classic." Megaman chuckled.
"LOL? I don't get it..."
"Here, lemme break it down for ya." and with that Megaman started tapping his feet. All the other runners in Plaza began performing a synchronised dance routine and the drums kicked in through the zone speakers.

(The following song "I'm a Newbie" is done to the tune "I Want Candy" by The Bangles. Music file production is still on hiatus. Lyrics by NERD, a subsidiary of LaeminCorp. All Rights Reserved)

(pointless guitar solo)

"I know a guy who's soft and weak
A little wimp, a joke to beat.
To kill him, no need to fire.
Say 'kill self rox', I'm such a liar.

I'm a Newbie..... I'm a Newbie....

(guy on a banjo kicks in)

I don't know but i've been told.
Hunting mobs is mighty old.
But it is just so fun for me.
Wasting rats in a killing Spree.

I'M A NEWBIE..... I'M A NEWBIE....

Yeah!!

(everyone in Plaza 2 starts doing Riverdance)
(banjo boys back)

You're so new, you must get better.
She'll give you con, if you let her.
Just go to a sewer, punch away.
Level stats the cheap ass way.

I'M A NEWBIE..... I'M A NEWBIE....
I'M A NEWBIE..... I'M A NEWBIE....

EYYYY.....EYYYYYY
EYYYY.....EYYYYYY
EYYYY.....EYYYYYY
EYYYY.....EYYYYYY"

The dancers ran off and Megaman felt happy with himself, confident that his CD sales would go through the roof with that classic.
"Rats? What are those?"
"Oh great unmerciful drom herpies, you two know where the sewers are right?"
"Sewers....???"

And so it was that Megaman did his good deed for the century and told the newbies where the sewers were. Immediately their lives were changed forever.

"My life is changed forever." SexX said.
"Why's that?"
"Cause I'm dead."
"Ohh. Thats... not... good." A voice screamed 'Stop talking while you're dead' from somewhere above.

After discovering the ability to respawn, and the joys of impairment, the two newbies began the long and delightful experience of beating the crap (figuratively and literally in some cases) out of rats, spiders and other bugs. They fought long and hard and after 2 days of continuous slaughter, figured out that they could take things from the carcasses. 20 minutes later the two couldn't move.

"Whats going on?"
"I dunno, I can't move."
"Lets do that dance of summoning thing and get those GOGOS over here."
"Isn't that the stubby penis thing that sticks out of the wall?"
"I thought that was the cityterm" SexX responded
"Nah, the cityterm is the mirror thing you can't see yourself in."
"Ohh. So you store stuff in your EGO?"
"Gogo."
"Right, and an EGO is?"
"What that Megaman guy had."
"Haha."
"LOL."
"Is that stuff catching? You're talking in foreignese too."
"No i found out it means Laugh Out Loud."
"Ohhh."
"And the guy you wanted to summon is an EGOS."
"Right, gotcha, so lets dance and get him here." But the two were too overweight to dance.
"Now what're we gonna do?" The two started yelling. Eventually another runner came by.
"Hey, whats up?" pepsi asked.
"We can't move."
"You overloaded?"
"How do we know that?"
"Check your backpack."
"Where's that?"
"...Um... I don't know, maybe its the pack, on your... back? (Giant red Subtitles slam down: "EXCESSIVELY SARCASTIC"). Alas, this still took a while for the newbies to figure out as they started spinning around in circles trying to look at their own back.
"WTF???" pepsi looked on in disbelief.
"Whats that mean?" the two asked. Pepsi ran off.

And so it was that eventually they figured out about their backpack, and their armour, and through a long, looong explanation from Gully Foyle, resident implant specialist to newbies, they learnt about implants. After 16 weeks, the two had finally made it to the stage where they could be called novices. At that time, Legatus came to see them again.
"Well, looks like you guys have got yourselfs sorted out. You feeling more competent?"
"Yeah Legatus, we are. And thanks for getting me out of my apartment." Smokey responded.
"Good, well its what EGOS do, help out. Anyway seeings as I'm not needed here, I'll be on my way..."
"Um actually, I do just have one small question before you go." Smokey looked at Legatus with big puppy dog eyes, the ones you just wanna rip out.
"Ok, what do you need to know?"
"Um.... whats my name?" Legatus fled the scene at maximum warp.

Until next time...

This story was inspired by the competition I had at the end of 2002 for "Newbie Question of the Year" with some of the other EGOS/GM's. There were some pretty comical contenders, but the guy who honestly came up to me and asked "What's my name?" kinda took the cake.

BTW, the competition is running again this year, so beware, you may appear with the 1st place prize for 2003.