Marx
06-11-03, 02:13
This was posted by CarlosTheDwarf on the SomethingAwful (http://www.somethingawful.com) forums. It's amazingly funny - least I think so. Read and enjoy.
Everyone knows that the scariest thing for kids when growing up is not monsters or ghosts. It’s not parents or teachers. It’s those elementary school bullies. Every school had em. Every grade had em. But without a doubt, the most fearsome species of the playground bully was the 6th grader (or maybe the 5th grader depending on what grade your elementary school went up to). The 6th grade bully had worked his way up the ranks and now was king of the school, at least for one year. This is the story of the time I was confronted by a 6th grade bully…and lived to tell about it.
I was walking home one cool autumn day. I turned onto a long narrow street not far from where I lived. I had once seen some tough looking kids bullying some little kids on this street a while back and was always afraid that I would meet up with them again. And sure enough, this day I would. I was almost near the end of this long street when 3 big kids turned the corner. Just by looking at them you could tell they were 6th graders, you could just see it in their eyes. 2 of the kids were about equal in size, I didn’t get their name. But the 3rd kid, the leader of the pack, was huge. He stood at least 5 feet tall and probably weighed 135 pounds. His name was Matt. I call him Fat Matt in my head. He wasn’t all that fat, he was built more like a football lineman.
I knew I was in trouble. I started to cross to the other side of the street. But they quickly intercepted my path.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Matt demanded.
“Home” I stammered.
“I don’t think so,” said Matt.
Then it happened. Matt’s sidekicks each grabbed one of my arms and held them out to the side. “Uh oh” I thought. This was the ultimate bully pummeling position. Matt started the crack his knuckles with an evil smirk on his face.
And then something came over me. I wasn’t going to let this happen. Adrenaline surged through my veins and I felt very strong all of a sudden. With my newfound strength and courage I thrust my arms out, grabbing both of Matt’s sidekicks by the neck. I swung both of them in towards me, clashing their skulls against each other. They fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Matt’s look of astonishment on his face was quickly replaced by a look of pain as I shattered his nose with my fist.
“You...you broke my nose!” Matt screamed. “I’m going to kill you!”
“Not today” I thought as I kicked him in the junk. Fat Matt slammed to the ground and lay beside his 2 friends. I stood for a few seconds over them, admiring my work. And then I ran as fast as I could. I ran all the way home. When I got home I was so excited. I called my friends and went over to their house.
Incredibly enough, once I had finished the story my friends weren’t all that happy of me.
“You’re proud of the fact that you beat up three 6th graders?” my friend John asked.
“Of course” I responded.
“But you’re 28 years old.” he said.
They just didn’t get it. Yes this happened just 2 weeks ago. But much like slaying an evil dragon, taking down a 6th grade bully is an incredible accomplishment no matter what your age is. Fuck you Fat Matt. I hope your balls hurt for weeks.
Everyone knows that the scariest thing for kids when growing up is not monsters or ghosts. It’s not parents or teachers. It’s those elementary school bullies. Every school had em. Every grade had em. But without a doubt, the most fearsome species of the playground bully was the 6th grader (or maybe the 5th grader depending on what grade your elementary school went up to). The 6th grade bully had worked his way up the ranks and now was king of the school, at least for one year. This is the story of the time I was confronted by a 6th grade bully…and lived to tell about it.
I was walking home one cool autumn day. I turned onto a long narrow street not far from where I lived. I had once seen some tough looking kids bullying some little kids on this street a while back and was always afraid that I would meet up with them again. And sure enough, this day I would. I was almost near the end of this long street when 3 big kids turned the corner. Just by looking at them you could tell they were 6th graders, you could just see it in their eyes. 2 of the kids were about equal in size, I didn’t get their name. But the 3rd kid, the leader of the pack, was huge. He stood at least 5 feet tall and probably weighed 135 pounds. His name was Matt. I call him Fat Matt in my head. He wasn’t all that fat, he was built more like a football lineman.
I knew I was in trouble. I started to cross to the other side of the street. But they quickly intercepted my path.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Matt demanded.
“Home” I stammered.
“I don’t think so,” said Matt.
Then it happened. Matt’s sidekicks each grabbed one of my arms and held them out to the side. “Uh oh” I thought. This was the ultimate bully pummeling position. Matt started the crack his knuckles with an evil smirk on his face.
And then something came over me. I wasn’t going to let this happen. Adrenaline surged through my veins and I felt very strong all of a sudden. With my newfound strength and courage I thrust my arms out, grabbing both of Matt’s sidekicks by the neck. I swung both of them in towards me, clashing their skulls against each other. They fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Matt’s look of astonishment on his face was quickly replaced by a look of pain as I shattered his nose with my fist.
“You...you broke my nose!” Matt screamed. “I’m going to kill you!”
“Not today” I thought as I kicked him in the junk. Fat Matt slammed to the ground and lay beside his 2 friends. I stood for a few seconds over them, admiring my work. And then I ran as fast as I could. I ran all the way home. When I got home I was so excited. I called my friends and went over to their house.
Incredibly enough, once I had finished the story my friends weren’t all that happy of me.
“You’re proud of the fact that you beat up three 6th graders?” my friend John asked.
“Of course” I responded.
“But you’re 28 years old.” he said.
They just didn’t get it. Yes this happened just 2 weeks ago. But much like slaying an evil dragon, taking down a 6th grade bully is an incredible accomplishment no matter what your age is. Fuck you Fat Matt. I hope your balls hurt for weeks.