L0KI
08-09-08, 17:41
Hi all,
First of all, let me start by saying, by NO means is this an attempt at an ego boost, in any way. I have come to trust and respect the level of maturity of the majority of the Neocron community over the past few years, which is the reason for my asking for your opinion of my work.
I was inspired to start writing a novel after the Nostalgia Contest, of which I shared first place with Brammers. I am currently 28,720 words in (Thank you 'wordcount'!), and I haven't told any of my friends/family or girlfriend that I'm writing it. I want to suprise them with the end result, should I decide to finish it. :)
So, the reason for my post:
The following in an extract from the Prologue of my novel. Before I carry on down this incredibly long, windy and mentally challenging path, I'd like to know if all this hard work really is worth it. I'd really appreciate it if you could give your honest opinions on whether or not the writing is;
a) Believable
b) Any good
c) Immersive enough
d) Utterly shocking/Piss poor/deluded
Any feedback, positive or negative would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
.........................Then, a SMASH against the door… then another… and with the third, the door flung open, hurling the bulky locking mechanism across the room and under the bed.
There was a brief instance of silence.
Through what was left of the doorway, bounced a small, round container, metallic in sound. Before either of us had the opportunity to find cover, what turned out to be a military grade Flash Grenade erupted, into a screen of blinding white.
In desperation, I attempted to rub the pain away from my eyes. I was barely able to make out Mia’s silhouette, as she fired off two rounds from the barrel of the shotgun.
With only partial vision, I was able to make out the Sergeant as he entered the room. He was stocky in build, rigged up in – judging by the way it flickered blue – what appeared to be V-Spec armour. He was holding a Military grade Kalashnikov, which he pointed in the direction of the woman I loved.
Before a moment had passed, my vision still impaired, he let off three bursts of the Kalashnikov. Round after round was emptied into Mia’s unclothed back, the flesh being torn away by the bullets from his rifle.
A lump the size of a meteor hit the back of my throat, as Mia turned to face me. Blood trickled from her mouth, and the exit wounds in her breasts. She looked at me, her mouth fixed open from shock, and fell swiftly to her knees. She moved her mouth, as if to utter her last words, but before she was given the chance, the bulky sergeant let off a single round, to the centre of her forehead. She collapsed, face down, into a pond of crimson.
The lump in my throat began to swell, as my heart pounded with a rhythmic thudding. My right hand squeezed the mould-gripped handle of the blade I had picked from the sink. I could literally pin point the exact moment that the adrenaline surged from the depths of my brain, through my veins, and into my fingertips. I was completely under the rule of my twisted emotion. My mind quickly assessed the situation. I counted three. Three armed officers, abundantly armoured in full V-Spec. They hadn’t spotted me. I had the advantage.
Without hesitation, without reason, I threw myself behind the trailing officers, and thrust the knife through the side of the officer to my left’s neck. He yelped as the blade pierced skin, then muscle – and halted against the bone beneath. Then, with one swift motion, I retracted the blade, and instantly mirrored the stabbing motion into the neck of the trailing officer to my right. Simultaneously, they dropped like moths in a fire.
I had him now.
Before the broadened bull of a sergeant could turn himself 180 degrees, I brutally smashed the handle of the blade into the back of his skull, with such a level of force that I felt it give a little with the impact.
He fell to the floor like a plane crash, and let out a sound comparable to a piglet at birth.
I gave him a moment to come round from the blow, creeping towards him. Fuelled by rage, I demanded:
“TURN AROUND”
There was a brief pause, as the sergeant began to slowly scramble to his knees.
“I SAID, TURN AROUND, YOU FUCKING PRICK”.
“Fuck…you” the sergeant murmered through closed teeth.
I caught a glimpse of Mia as she lay, still warm, with a hole through her skull. With every ounce of strength, I lunged the thick black boot of my right foot into the sergeant’s bloody, wincing mouth. He grimaced from the unbearable pain, and rolled over onto his back. It landed hard against the wooden floor.
I stepped in a little closer to him, gritting my teeth, and pressed the very tip of the blood-stained blade to the throat of the struggling sergeant. Through his eyes, I saw his fear. For close to a nano-second, I felt mercy. It was, however, short-lived, due to the over-powering image of my murdered lover. My sense of reason dissolved into the handle of the blade I had gripped so tightly, and my knuckles turned to white. I slowly pushed the blade into the side of his throat, and precisely dragged it from right…to left. As the sergeant gasped, and attempted to utter something with his last breath, the sirens in the distance drew nearer.
Then, it hit me.
Shock.
Like a brick to the face, it hit me.
I immediately released the blade, which fell to the floor with a ‘Chink’. My mind erratically jumped between emotions almost randomly.
Sadness, fear, remorse, anger.
I dropped to my knees over Mia’s corpse, head held in my hands. I felt the warmth of a tear trickle down my face, and behind me, I heard a barrage of footsteps and voices from the stairwell in the hall. The sirens now surrounded me.
I snatched Mia’s hand from the puddle of black-red that it lay in, and held it to my face. Fear, then anger – flashed before me once more, until… nothing. As the footsteps echoed up the stairwell in the hallway, nearer, and nearer, all I felt now, was emptiness.
With a frozen gaze, I stared out of the window in front of me, now cradling Mia’s lifeless head in my arms. The officers had reached the room.
“Don’t you fucking move, son.”
One officer bellowed as five or more entered the room.
I remained still. Perfectly still, perfectly silent.
The lead officer re-positioned himself between me and the window ahead of me. He was a tall figure, with almost skeletal features, staring down at me from above. The unmistakeable sensation of an ice-cold DNA scanner, pressed against the back of my neck from an officer to my rear. It sent a shiver up my spine.
The skeletal official leaned over the scanner, and nodded once to the officer holding it. In a calm, eloquent manner, he stated................................
So, that's it. That really is pretty much a random section of the novel. Most of it is action filled - and it's set in a futuristic Britain. Some of the technology and twists I've created are things I've wanted to see in books for as long as I remember. I am enjoying writing it - but if it's attrocious, then I see no point in continuing it. So... opinions please :)
Thanks again!
First of all, let me start by saying, by NO means is this an attempt at an ego boost, in any way. I have come to trust and respect the level of maturity of the majority of the Neocron community over the past few years, which is the reason for my asking for your opinion of my work.
I was inspired to start writing a novel after the Nostalgia Contest, of which I shared first place with Brammers. I am currently 28,720 words in (Thank you 'wordcount'!), and I haven't told any of my friends/family or girlfriend that I'm writing it. I want to suprise them with the end result, should I decide to finish it. :)
So, the reason for my post:
The following in an extract from the Prologue of my novel. Before I carry on down this incredibly long, windy and mentally challenging path, I'd like to know if all this hard work really is worth it. I'd really appreciate it if you could give your honest opinions on whether or not the writing is;
a) Believable
b) Any good
c) Immersive enough
d) Utterly shocking/Piss poor/deluded
Any feedback, positive or negative would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
.........................Then, a SMASH against the door… then another… and with the third, the door flung open, hurling the bulky locking mechanism across the room and under the bed.
There was a brief instance of silence.
Through what was left of the doorway, bounced a small, round container, metallic in sound. Before either of us had the opportunity to find cover, what turned out to be a military grade Flash Grenade erupted, into a screen of blinding white.
In desperation, I attempted to rub the pain away from my eyes. I was barely able to make out Mia’s silhouette, as she fired off two rounds from the barrel of the shotgun.
With only partial vision, I was able to make out the Sergeant as he entered the room. He was stocky in build, rigged up in – judging by the way it flickered blue – what appeared to be V-Spec armour. He was holding a Military grade Kalashnikov, which he pointed in the direction of the woman I loved.
Before a moment had passed, my vision still impaired, he let off three bursts of the Kalashnikov. Round after round was emptied into Mia’s unclothed back, the flesh being torn away by the bullets from his rifle.
A lump the size of a meteor hit the back of my throat, as Mia turned to face me. Blood trickled from her mouth, and the exit wounds in her breasts. She looked at me, her mouth fixed open from shock, and fell swiftly to her knees. She moved her mouth, as if to utter her last words, but before she was given the chance, the bulky sergeant let off a single round, to the centre of her forehead. She collapsed, face down, into a pond of crimson.
The lump in my throat began to swell, as my heart pounded with a rhythmic thudding. My right hand squeezed the mould-gripped handle of the blade I had picked from the sink. I could literally pin point the exact moment that the adrenaline surged from the depths of my brain, through my veins, and into my fingertips. I was completely under the rule of my twisted emotion. My mind quickly assessed the situation. I counted three. Three armed officers, abundantly armoured in full V-Spec. They hadn’t spotted me. I had the advantage.
Without hesitation, without reason, I threw myself behind the trailing officers, and thrust the knife through the side of the officer to my left’s neck. He yelped as the blade pierced skin, then muscle – and halted against the bone beneath. Then, with one swift motion, I retracted the blade, and instantly mirrored the stabbing motion into the neck of the trailing officer to my right. Simultaneously, they dropped like moths in a fire.
I had him now.
Before the broadened bull of a sergeant could turn himself 180 degrees, I brutally smashed the handle of the blade into the back of his skull, with such a level of force that I felt it give a little with the impact.
He fell to the floor like a plane crash, and let out a sound comparable to a piglet at birth.
I gave him a moment to come round from the blow, creeping towards him. Fuelled by rage, I demanded:
“TURN AROUND”
There was a brief pause, as the sergeant began to slowly scramble to his knees.
“I SAID, TURN AROUND, YOU FUCKING PRICK”.
“Fuck…you” the sergeant murmered through closed teeth.
I caught a glimpse of Mia as she lay, still warm, with a hole through her skull. With every ounce of strength, I lunged the thick black boot of my right foot into the sergeant’s bloody, wincing mouth. He grimaced from the unbearable pain, and rolled over onto his back. It landed hard against the wooden floor.
I stepped in a little closer to him, gritting my teeth, and pressed the very tip of the blood-stained blade to the throat of the struggling sergeant. Through his eyes, I saw his fear. For close to a nano-second, I felt mercy. It was, however, short-lived, due to the over-powering image of my murdered lover. My sense of reason dissolved into the handle of the blade I had gripped so tightly, and my knuckles turned to white. I slowly pushed the blade into the side of his throat, and precisely dragged it from right…to left. As the sergeant gasped, and attempted to utter something with his last breath, the sirens in the distance drew nearer.
Then, it hit me.
Shock.
Like a brick to the face, it hit me.
I immediately released the blade, which fell to the floor with a ‘Chink’. My mind erratically jumped between emotions almost randomly.
Sadness, fear, remorse, anger.
I dropped to my knees over Mia’s corpse, head held in my hands. I felt the warmth of a tear trickle down my face, and behind me, I heard a barrage of footsteps and voices from the stairwell in the hall. The sirens now surrounded me.
I snatched Mia’s hand from the puddle of black-red that it lay in, and held it to my face. Fear, then anger – flashed before me once more, until… nothing. As the footsteps echoed up the stairwell in the hallway, nearer, and nearer, all I felt now, was emptiness.
With a frozen gaze, I stared out of the window in front of me, now cradling Mia’s lifeless head in my arms. The officers had reached the room.
“Don’t you fucking move, son.”
One officer bellowed as five or more entered the room.
I remained still. Perfectly still, perfectly silent.
The lead officer re-positioned himself between me and the window ahead of me. He was a tall figure, with almost skeletal features, staring down at me from above. The unmistakeable sensation of an ice-cold DNA scanner, pressed against the back of my neck from an officer to my rear. It sent a shiver up my spine.
The skeletal official leaned over the scanner, and nodded once to the officer holding it. In a calm, eloquent manner, he stated................................
So, that's it. That really is pretty much a random section of the novel. Most of it is action filled - and it's set in a futuristic Britain. Some of the technology and twists I've created are things I've wanted to see in books for as long as I remember. I am enjoying writing it - but if it's attrocious, then I see no point in continuing it. So... opinions please :)
Thanks again!