[OT] Stag

[Dribble Joy]

Right, if any of you slags are in Hamburg over the weekend watchout for a group of eccentric Englishmen sallying forth to wreck merry hell upon that fair city.
I shall either be wearing a horrible poloneck shirt with 'Dance master' or 'Lord of the Dance' upon it, other people in the group will hold titles such as 'Morale Officer', 'Groom', 'Best Man' or 'Ring Bearer'.
I may also be spotted in a Santa outfit, with others dressing in such getups as a priest, a judge, a tramp or a hobbit.

I may, though it's a long shot here, be very very drunk. I may also be cuffed at the leg to another of my party.

I shall endeavor to take pictographicals of one's adventures.

[RusSki]

Have fun and dont break him.

[Apocalypsox]

i would almost fly to hamburg from the west coast of the states just to find you and shoot you wiht a paintball gun.

[RogerRamjet]

Just remember, strip him naked and put him on a train to Aberdeen.

[RusSki]

or cellotape a dildo to each of his hands and let him loose on the locals

[nobby]

Can I come :p

[Hell-demon]

you're too young :D

[Dribble Joy]

I am back, but strories and pictures will have to wait untill tomorrow when I have slept off most of the damage I am inflicted upon one's body in the last few days.

[RusSki]

lol judging by what you said and how you said it, the damage must be real bad.

[Dribble Joy]

Right....

Warning: Picture Heavy!

The following post(s) contain descriptions of activities and events riddled with filth and depravity.
If you are of a nervous disposition, of sensive character or are eating at the moment, I suggest you do not read this.

Day 1: Friday
(Day 1 isn't that filthy actually)

There are 12 of us on this trip:
Mr Job (the groom, AKA Jobby)
Myself (drunken fool)
Mr Matt Gorham (Grubby)
Ben
Dan Waskett (the best man)
Liam (drunken fool and generally obscene)
James (drunken fool, dad is a judge, AKA Jammy)
Duncan (filthy bastard - almost as obscene and Liam)
Matt Chubb (drunken fool, AKA Chubba/Chubby)
Jack
Henry
Phil (angry man)

Me and Grubby live together and leave at about 11:30 to get train to London.

Interesting train is due at the station after ours:

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/001.jpg

Get to Liverpool Street and find and bar, the music is far too load and I can't hear a fucking thing. Meet some of the others.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/002.jpg

Left to right: Grubby, Ben, Jobby and Chubby.
I couldn't order anything but some shitty lager in a bottle. Not a great start.
We buggar off after they kick us out at 1 am, some geezer tries to get us to come to a club but after he tells us it's a tenner to get in we politely tell him to go fuck himself with something rusty.

We find the coach stop, but with 2 hours to kill we decide to find a pub. End up wandering all over the place, ending up in Brick Lane. Consider getting a curry, but the place was well dodgy at that time of night (we were cirtain that Ben got buggared in some stinking side street when he went for a piss, he took ages, he had an odd look on his face when he emerged. Avoiding the piles of vomit on the streets we bimble back to the coach stop.
Bunch of us sit about on some benches, me and Chubba play Nine Card Brag. Others go off to find a dark alley for a slash, end up taking 40 minutes as they decide to get some food along the way (though we were cirtain this was all lies and they had been rogered by some East End rent boys).

Get the Coach, piss about in Stanstead airport for a bit, waiting for our plane.

We were flying with Ryanair. If you don't know what/who Ryanair is, they are a low cost airline. However this really does mean barebones, shitty and cheap with no service at all.

We don't even get a gantry over to the plane, we have to walk about 100 yards over the concourse in the rain to go up a rickety bunch of steps to get on.
The seats are crammed in with no leg space at all, if you are over 5'10" you have serious issues. The seats are cheap and horrible, there's no inflight... anything in the pouch infront, because there is no pouch at all. The saftey instructions are on an A5 sticker on the seat in front of you. Many parts of them are missing as they have been peeled away by small childs.

You then get a completely incomprehensible series of instructions and demonstrations from the crew over the £1.39 set of speakers they probably bought from Dixons, and then the horros of the flight finally take shape.
You cannot sleep on a Ryanair flight, you just can't the seats are the wrong shape, you can't lean back anyway, you are forced into the seating position for the entire journey.
I only managed some because I floded down the (very cheap and nasty) food tray, rested my elbows on it and put my head against the seat in front.

Finally we get to the airport near hamburg (note no the main hamburg airport, oooooohh noooooo. The one that you need to get a coach journey that's longer than the flight to get to) and get off our stuffy shit hole of a means of transport.

Chubby has no euro monies, so he uses the change machine to get 60 quid's worth, which the machine tries to give him, but it runs out of coins as it tries to give him 80 euros in one euro coins.
It then subsequently breaks-down.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/003.jpg

We find a coach and get on it.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/004.jpg

Hehehehehe.... Fahrt.... *ahem*

We get to Hamburg and start wandering.

We find a really tall man.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/005.jpg

The map Liam bought in the station is horribly designed and has loads of holes in it.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/006.jpg


While they try to find where we are, me and Grubby get accosted by some yokel that eventually we discover is asking us if we are cold. We tell him we are fine.

This is the first instance of our realisation that we essentially know NO GERMAN AT ALL, bar danke, bitte, bier (sp?), ja, nien, und, mit, and only one or two of us the numbers 1-10.

We are trying to get to a bowling alley, and after realising where it is and where we are we start walking.
It is only about an hour later we discover just how big Hamburg is.
We also find a series of streets that consist almost to their entirey of sex shops and strip joints, with some pretty nasty looking whores standing outside.
(Note that this is only the beginning and it would only escalate on saturday and sunday when we go drinking on the Reeperbahn)

After many miles and tired legs we find the bowling alley.
Dehydrated and knackered, we get a load of beer in:

Chubba is happy.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/007.jpg

We start bowling and the obscene nature starts to be expressed by Duncan.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/008.jpg

We bowl a lot, and considering I haven't bowled in about 10 months do quite well. Getting 124 and 145. The thrid round was after about the 5th round of beers....

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/009.jpg

So the scores started dropping rapidly, my third game was a poxy 110.

The barman was about 4'6" and took ages to pour the drinks, eventually he just bought the bottles to the tables and we poured them much faster. He then remarked that I looked like Osama Bin Laden.... which was odd... I had let my beard and 'tasche grow for my fancy dress costume for saturday night, but I really didn't look like an arabian religious nutcase. A tramp maybe....

Grubby was also not impressed by his later bowling efforts.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/010.jpg

We left and went to get a train to somewhere near the hotel, and witnessed a car crash.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/011.jpg

We couldn't find the hotel for fuck, so we accosted a different yokel and he lead us off.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/012.jpg

We finally got to the hotel, dumped our bags after argueing with the staff about the money and then went into the bar downstairs and drank some more.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/013.jpg

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We then went to another bar for supper and I started to fall asleep, after the meal I decided to go home as I also had a massive headache for not drinking any hydratitively contributing liquids for the last 24 hours. I planned to come out later, but the headache got worse and I woke up at about 11 the next morning. The others apparently went to some seedy bar and got wasted, getting back into the hotel at about 4-6 in the morning. Phil managed something of a record, getting back at half nine.

That's Day 1, I'll post the rest when I have finished resizing and uploading the rest of the pictures.
And don't worry about the current lack of depravity so far, it will only get worse.

[cRazy-]

That Beer looks rather Cloudy.

[Dribble Joy]

That's bottle conditioned....

Those who know what that means would understand. Problem being is that silly midget man at the bar didn't and just poured it into the glasses without thought.

[SorkZmok]

Oh ffs, i'll be in hamburg next week. Would've been fun to meet up and have some beers. :(

[LiL T]

That Beer looks rather Cloudy.

German Bier ftw :lol: its actully rather nice to drink but the next day you feel it =/


That's bottle conditioned....

Those who know what that means would understand. Problem being is that silly midget man at the bar didn't and just poured it into the glasses without thought.

Yes they take years to pour the drinks over there, If it comes out of a pump. They will keep filling the glass and using a beer mat to scoop the foam into a sink :wtf: think it has something to do with their pumps.

[Dribble Joy]

That happens plenty in the UK with any gassy lager. It all comes down to your skill at pouring.

I'll have the rest up later today hopefully.

[LiL T]

That happens plenty in the UK with any gassy lager. It all comes down to your skill at pouring.

I'll have the rest up later today hopefully.

But happens over 90% of the time you are in a german bar, so slow at pouring a pint...

[SorkZmok]

But happens over 90% of the time you are in a german bar, so slow at pouring a pint...
That's because we have real beer and not that stuff you call beer over there.

:lol:

[Dribble Joy]

Day 2: Saturday.

One woke up feeling not to bad, though I didn't get any sleep as my headache had been fucking awefull. Did drink lots of water though, so I didn't feel too bad.
Went downstairs for some breakie, but found out they stopped at 11:30 or something and we only managed a cup of tea or two.

We went out for a bimble, to see the sights and sounds, and found a film crew near the hotel.

Duncan annoyed them.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/015.jpg

We then wandered about and got some scoff in some dingy cafe and then went to find the park.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/016.jpg

Heheheheheehe.... Fock.... *ahem*

Oh yes, I forgot to mention. We all had t-shirts for the trip, with 'TEAM JOB' written on the back along with our names and a nick-name.

I was 'Ice-Man'. Nothing to do with a cirtain Hollywood film, but because of the second Bond Canon (an event whereby one watches all the Bond films back to back), where I 'saved the day' by running to Waitrose to get some ice.

We got to the park and found an odd game which involved squirting water at some tethered balloons to get them into a hoop.
Ben on the right, Waskett on the right.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/017.jpg

We also found a bunch of statues which Duncan got a picture of himself with. Like the mature English tourists we were, he fondled the crotch and licked the breast of it. My camera was a bit slow, so I only got his slightly dirty expression as he walked away.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/018.jpg

We also saw some odd water features.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/019.jpg

We played footie next to a lake with a bunch of fountains in it, where I then gained the nick-name; 'The Rock', which like many of my aliases, is a take on my deficiency in a particular area, in this case my complete inability to control or stop the ball.
A grumpy politzi man came over and told us to fuck off, so we went and got an ice-cream.
One was called a 'Nogger'.

Hehehehehe.... Nogger..... *ahem*

It then aspired that the rip in my trousers I had caused earlier in a failed attempt to prevent a goal was of sufficient size to let my entire underwear clad ball sack drop out when I was sitting cross-legged. Much hilarity (and a few photos) were had.

We tried to look for another footie place but ended up looking for the pedalos as time was awasting. We found the lake, but it then started to piss it down.

We hid under a bridge.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/020.jpg

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/021.jpg

We found where on the map a 'recommended' pub was, and not far so we legged it like crazy fuckers over the bridge and I got slashed by a passing Merc.

Found the pub and got the beers in.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/022.jpg

I went in search of a cash point for monies. I failed, as not only are there BUGGAR ALL CASH POINTS IN HAMBURG, but my card (a Visa) didn't work in most of them. I did find this however:

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/031.jpg

DBZ people might get this.

I then returned to the pub and spotted this... thing... on the wall...

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/032.jpg

What the fuck?
The light flash is obscuring her six breasts by the way.

Anyway, we then played various obscene games to do with drinking, the number of dirty inside jokes that appeared over the weekend were quite foul, most of them involving words people had invented for the female pubic region.
Wrods like; Quimm, Glunge, Gwatch, or other filthy things. Rutting, Buggary and other words invovling some degenerate sexual act were frequented in conversation.
We also played a more sedate game where you had a name on a bit of sticky paper on your fore-head and had to ask yes/no questions to guess who it is.
Names involved were things like; Lisa Riley (am I famous for being disgustingly fat?), The Little Chef, Q, Rebecca Loos and Charlotte Church. I was Willian Shatner (OMFG dr0ms and shatn0rs), who I didn't know was Canadian, so I was utterly confused. I wrotes Ben's, calling him Midas, in refference to his nick-name (Alrik - as in Goldfinger, another canon refference), which of course was an utter bastard to get.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/033.jpg

We then went back to the hotel to get ready for the main evening of the weekend, the fancy dress part.

Here's Chubby (I think) in Liam's Chicken outfit's head.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/034.jpg

And Liam in the complete costume.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/035.jpg

And Duncan as a crook (has last name is Crook). He had a ball and chain as well.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/036.jpg

Here's me in my santa outfit, this is where the beard growth becomes apparent.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/037.jpg

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/038.jpg

Left to right: Grubby as a tramp, Laim behind him, Jammy as a priest (we quickly notcied that Jammy's outfit was rather suggestive of someone else, we just prayed that the width of the 'tache and the dog-collar would keep him from being arrested). Chubby as a golfer and Waskett as a cowboy.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/039.jpg

Jobby was a stag of course.

We left the hotel, but not before Duncan scared a small child.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/040.jpg

We got to another pub that was on our list. It's inclusion simply because it served ten litre kegs.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/041.jpg

That was the first of 3 or 4.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/042.jpg

Me with Liam's head on and Jack who was going as God.

Here's Phil as a goth and Chubba with Duncan's head on.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/043.jpg

Jammy starting to feel the beer and Waskett taking the piss.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/044.jpg

Me with Duncan's head on.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/045.jpg

Henry as a wise man with God's beard.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/046.jpg

Phil with the keg.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/047.jpg

A random german woman thieving Jobby's head.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/048.jpg

A picture of us all outside with some random german bloke we met outside the next pub, he offered to take us to a cash point.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/049.jpg

Some random German yokels clearly deeply appreciating the noise and behaviour of their English visitors.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/050.jpg

Another picture of us with the nice german man. He studied in Glasgow apparently, so clearly he knew how to handle drunken English fucks.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/051.jpg

And finally a picture of me doing something unsightly to a post.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/Muffdemon/052.jpg

We then went into a strip joint called the Doll House (we had reached the 'Reeperbahn' by then). But I remember fuck all about being in there appart from just before I left.
I went for a slash, but when I went back out into the club I was violently sick about 3 or 4 times on the floor, against walls, next to tables and god knows where else.
Realising I was about to get violently kicked out, I hastily exited.
I got a taxi back to the hotel and went to sleep.

The others get horribly separated, some not getting to the Dollhouse untill later because they wandered into a different stip bar.
They asked 'Are they in there?' at the door to the Dollhouse and got the reply; 'Santa? Ja, he here.' Great stuff.
Later on Duncan nearly broke his ankle when he tripped over his ball and chain, Ben got a massive Kebab for about 2 euros and our average time back to the hotel was now about 6am.

That's Day 2, I'll get the rest done at some other point.

[cRazy-]

I greatly approve of this perticular excursion to Hamburg.