View Full Version : Sexy twisted stories- The Complete Masterworks

14-02-06, 17:23
Ladies and germs I present to you the complete collection of my writing. I've been writing stories for Nc on and off for a year now.

This is where my past writings will be kept and any other stories I create will be posted here after a time.

So let's start with my first twisted piece of writing, Jake Hard which spawned into a series of stories. Jake Hard, the name, was derived from a video game called Angel Devoid in which you the player travel around a cyber punk world as Mr. Hard with a face of a wanted criminal. I figured Jake Hard would be an ideal name for a frustrated trying to be cool detective.

But where did the idea of this sexually frustrated detective come from?

I was doing my GCSE's at the time and we were told in an English class to write a short story about a detective. I'm a twisted fuck so Jake Hard was spawned in only a few hours. It was praised well at my school, so I added a Neocron tint to it and posted it here.

I didn't stop there. Neocron has so many possibilities for stories. So I kept writing on.

So I present to you Jake Hard Sexually Frustrated Private Eye :)

14-02-06, 17:25
The neon lights of the Pepper Park red light district glistened in the foreboding night sky. One Jake Hard Private Detective looked upon this seedy site from his crummy little office high above the streets in a run down housing complex. Jake sat down in his hard leather back chair and put a cigarette to his lips, which dangled precariously. He put his hands through his jet-black shiny hair and rummaged through his desk drawers. In one of them he found a pair of socks, which he promptly stuffed down his crotch to make him look that extra bit manlier.

Jake specialised in cases involving couples that suspected their partners of cheating. But being a detective is a lonely job. He was tired of seeing the usual saggy middle-aged women wanting him to spy on their old impotent husbands. For once he wanted a young, firm breasted gorgeous woman to waltz into his office. Jake wanted a woman. A real one, not like that blow up sex doll he had stashed in his office stock cupboard for those lonely nights. He wanted to spend the night with a lady having hot sweaty sex and breaking the odd bedspring in the process. His fantasy was halted by a knock at the door.

The door opened and in walked a beautiful woman with bazookas for breasts, long flowing hair and a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. Jake clenched his buttocks in excitement.

“Are you Jake Hard?” asked the woman.

“Who’s askin’?” said Jake trying to keep his cool and not trying to seem desperate. Even though he had a pair of socks stuffed down his boxers to make his penis look big.

“My name is Janet Sexington and I need your help. I think my husband is seeing another woman.”

“Of course ma’am. Your husband is one sick puppy if he’s willin’ to give up a gorgeous gal like you” Jake said with a tender smile.

Janet blushed, sat down and fidgeted in her chair. Jake moved himself closer to his desk trying to conceal the erection that was bursting out of his trousers. Jake was mesmerised by her canyon of a cleavage.

“This means a lot to me Mr. Hard thank you” Janet said with a slightly flirtatious look on her face.

Jake could see what was going to happen already. He would solve the case; he’d catch the husband in the act, show photos to Janet, she’d cry on his shoulder, they’d get close and spend the rest of the night having dirty sex on his office desk. Nothing could go wrong.

“I don’t have much money but maybe I could pay you some other way,” Janet said winking.

“YAHOO” thought Jake he knew he was going to get a shag now. But he still tried to act cool and calm. Jake tried to keep his nerve. When it came to women Jake found it really difficult to seduce them without them vomiting or getting into fits of laughter. Theres was only one woman who truly understood him and she needed a puncture repair kit every now and then.

“Well Ill do anything for a lady” Said Jake.

Janet giggled.

“Oh I’m not a lady I’m a transvestite”

Jake shot himself.

14-02-06, 17:26
The jet-black sky streaked across the city of Neocron masking its nightlife. The tall dark City Administration building loomed over its citizens, its dark enforcement making the inhabitants avoid it all costs. Except for the man dressed in a nurse outfit with a drink bottle attached to his bum that read, “Squeeze for sex” but he was crazy.

Deep inside the building the gene replicator whirred, the copbots and other members of City Admin including the work experience boy who made the tea, watched in anticipation. And out of the gene replicator came forth Jake Hard, Private Detective. A member of Admin approached him.

“Ah Mr. Hard allow me to introduce myself I’m inspector Kum, you have been replicated because you have died. You shot yourself apparently according to a transvestite…”

A copbot giggled.

“Errr yes anyway you should have some mild dizziness seeing as every single part of you has been put together”

“Every single part?” Said Jake.

He quickly looked down his trousers. It was all there just like he remembered; in fact the sock was still there. He sighed with relief, and adjusted his detective badge to cover the gravy stain on his shirt.

“I suppose I should tell you why you are here. We need your help in an unusual case. We’ve seen your profile of cases…that erm intrigue us. You see there has been a murder in hacknet”

Inspector Kum flipped through Jake’s profile of case files and handed them to a copbot. The copbot flipped through the pages excitedly looking at the pictures of naked people caught in the act.

“Sir I think Ill go examine these pictures in detail in the men’s room” said the Copbot before running off.

Inspector Kum lead Jake down the winding corridors to the interrogation rooms. Jake was still shook up about the transvestite; with his keen inspection skills he should of noticed the facial hair. But he did not and that worried him like the thought of getting a sexual disease before a porn party. Jake and Inspector Kum stopped just outside an interrogation room.

“Mr. Hard we haven’t had much luck with this witness. The man who was murdered was a Dr. Dildonic, his research assistant, Dr. Pimple saw him enter hacknet and checked the hacknet logs shortly after. I doubt you’ll have much look with him.” Said Inspector Kum.

“Ill crack him, like I crack walnuts against my thick skull. Ill make this piggy squeal” Said Jake putting a mean look on his face. Inspector Kum frowned at him. Jake entered the room and Kum lingered outside. Inside the room Dr. Pimple was hunched up by a desk that was dimly lit by a light hanging above it. Jake hit his head on the light.

Jake knew that he had to play it cool and be mean and calculating. He pulled up his shirtsleeves whilst removing the packet of dusty old unused condoms he had stashed up there. He lit a cigarette, put it to his mouth and pulled up a chair towards the desk. He breathed out smoke. Dr. Pimple started to wince.

“Okay Doc. You listen to me. I ask the questions and you answer. Don’t bullshit me or Ill send you to MC5 to be some big mommas bitch. Okay tell me what happened” Jake looked at Dr. Pimple with fire in his eyes.

Dr. Pimple opened his mouth.

“Teh n00b went to haxx0r net to download teh pron and got pwned!”

Jake’s eyes widened with confusion. Kum came into the room and stood next to Jake.

“See chief we cant get much sense out of him. He’s a hack kiddie, everything he says is elite hack shit.” Said Kum

Jake sighed, got out of his seat and adjusted the sock in his crotch region. Jake and Kum left the room. They went to the next interrogation room and Kum handed Jake a bunch of photos of Dr. Dildonic. Jake put them in his breast pocket that was nicely accompanied by his packet of condoms.

“Jake these photos are of Dr. Dildonic. We have someone in custody that might know what happened. Her name is Lydia Ryder, she’s a lap dancer at Twister a good one too..I mean Ive heard she is..cause..er…” Kum stopped mid flow.

“ Look we know she was in contact with him the night before he went to hacknet. See what you can find out about them. She’s very feisty; most of us here at Admin have interrogated her. Hell a storm bot managed to interrogate her twice in one night. She’s probably not the type you’re used to dealing with. Meaning she’s not a chick with an extra appendage or whatever your clientele are.” Said Kum.

Kum went down a corridor leading to his office. Jake braced himself. This was it. A young woman who was energetic and didn’t need duct tape if she got torn. He had to remain calm. He thought to himself, “Maybe one more sock down there will help” but dismissed it. He opened the door and walked into the room.

There sitting at a desk was the attractive Lydia. Her long shiny hair flowed near her large smooth breasts. Her luscious pouting lips were begging to be kissed. She moved her hands down to her beautiful legs that were covered in fishnet stockings. She then moved her hands near her breasts and ran a finger down her blouse. Her eyes made contact with Jakes eye’s and he prematurely ejaculated.

Jake stood near the desk. He was shaking and sweating and mentally undressing Lydia.

“I’m Hard” said Jake

“I’m sure you are” said Lydia smiling.

“Er..I mean detective Hard”

Jake reached into his breast pocket.

“Tell me do these mean anything to you”

“Yes there a packet of condoms” said Lydia

“OH CRAP!” exclaimed Jake realising he had taken his condoms out by mistake and not the photos. He quickly took out the photos and placed them on the desk.

“Miss did you know this man?” said Jake trying to relax.

“Yes he was my husband. Albert was a brilliant man, and he was an excellent lover too. He died so young, 58…and he’s gone. His research project was just about to pay off too” said Lydia forlorn.

“What was your husband working on miss?” asked Jake

“A powerful form of viagra”

Jake’s sock fell out of his unzipped flies and onto the desk.

14-02-06, 17:27
Deep inside the dark foreboding City Admin building the copbots attended to their duties. They were eagerly watching the interrogation that Jake Hard, Private Detective was conducting. The light in the interrogation room flickered occasionally bringing very little illumination to the sterile cold room. The faint buzzing of the light could be heard. But this sound was interrupted by the sound of Jake accidentally knocking a glass of water over with his erection.

Jake tried to focus on the task at hand and not at Lydia Ryder’s ample breasts. His erection was now plaguing his mind. He had to get rid of it to look professional, he thought to himself “Ok Jake think none sexy thoughts, dead puppies, grandma naked…er Neofrag, yeah that’s boring only highlight of the red light district apart from the sex…oh crap”. He decided to grab a seat and continue to question.

“So miss you say your husband was working on viagra. What research does he do on it?” asked Jake.

“Well Mr. Hard he was working on a powerful form of viagra. With one pill an erection could be sustained for 24 hours with no loss even after sex. This pill is extremely powerful and could make you harder than a gene tank in a gun store. I think his research is to do with his death” said Lydia.

“Why would someone kill a man over viagra?”

“Albert had made some enemies in his business, mostly impotent people who wanted the viagra. But it was too unstable and experimental for consumer use. Also the Tsunami Syndicate had got involved”

The Tsunami Syndicate. Jake knew them well; in the sense he had rented an adult holo disc from them a year back and never returned it. And now theses porn peddlers had their eyes set on a lucrative drug they could use in their business.

“So maybe Tsunami killed your husband” said Jake bluntly.

“Most likely, he was visited by the boss of Tsunami, Madame Veronique on the night. They met up, had a few drinks, started talking and then it slipped out”

“I hate it when that happens”

“No I mean his researched slipped out. Anyway he refused the drug to them telling them it was too powerful. Madame Veronique did not like this and threatened him. He came home quite worried. Then later he went to hacknet to download certain material for his research. And then he was murdered”

Lydia slumped back in her chair. In doing so her breasts jiggled making Jake lose concentration and making him fall out his chair. He got back up.

“Please Mr. Hard find the killers and bring justice. Not just for Admin but for me” said Lydia

Jake nodded and turned to face the door, knocking the glass of water over with his erection again in the process. He walked out the room with an unusually eager storm waiting outside. Jake took the gravity lift down to level one where he was greeted by Inspector Kum.

“Hey there chief! We just erected your new office here at City Admin, we brought most of the stuff from your old office here” said Kum.

“ Er most of my stuff…does that include the..”

“Inflatable sex doll with the name tag saying Sandra on it. Yep.”

Jake looked down at his shoes trying to avoid Kum’s gaze. Jake hastily grabbed the case file from Kum and hurried off to his office. When Jake got into the office he saw it was very oppressive. It had a pot plant and a clean shiny desk. It wasn’t like his old office; there were no dead gold fish, no pin up posters and no mini fridge to store his underwear. He sat down at his desk. He opened one of the desk drawers. Something was missing, but what? Then he pulled out a pair of socks out of his pocket and put them in the drawer. Jake liked to be prepared.

Jake opened the stock cupboard and there was Sandra the sex doll. The one thing he could depend on, well occasionally she had been known to deflate. But Jake couldn’t stop thinking about Lydia. She had big breasts, and in Jake’s book that made her a priority. He had to solve the case and had to have hot sweaty sex. Jake decided to get in contact with someone inside Tsunami. Unfortunately Jake didn’t like this person.

But Jake decided to contact one Lorenzo Thrust, or as he was known to the ladies “The future of karma sutra”. Jake hated Lorenzo he was his all time enemy, but if Jake had to make a big breasted dancer happy by contacting him then that’s what he’d do. He would arrange to meet Lorenzo in the Pussy club. Jake would be able to arrange a meeting with Madame Veronique at Tsunami head quarters. He would then sneak into her office and gather any info on Dr. Dildonic. It was full proof, well in Jakes mind at least.

Jake had to solve the case, he needed to. He was driven to succeed not only by his penis but his heart as well. He would solve a decent case, he wouldn’t have to spy on people having sex, although he didn’t see it as a bad thing. Jake put on his leather jacket, loaded his gun and stuck an extra woolly sock down his trousers. He was ready to do a good job. His attention soon disappeared.

Sandra had deflated again.

14-02-06, 17:30
Neon signs lit up the filthy rubbish strewed streets of Pepper Park. It was home to prostitutes and gangsters. Local junkies could be seen loitering the streets in look of a fix. Everything was how it should be, apart from the copbot buying a copy of “Dirty Droms 2”.

Jake Hard strolled down the streets in search of the infamous Pussy club. It is there where he would meet Lorenzo. He noticed the cop bot trying to conceal his porn. He walked up to the copbot. He was surprised that a copbot would buy porn let alone be able to use it.

“Hi there you wouldn’t know where the Pussy club is would ya?” said Jake

“It’s just down that streets and near a gravity lift. Hey aren’t you that new detective?”

“Yeah why do you ask?”

“That woman you were interrogating she’s apparently gone missing. Admin came by her apartment and she was nowhere to be found. Real shame too me and my team were gonna interrogate her. We hear she’s pretty good” said the copbot looking at the box art of “Dirty Droms 2”

Jake had a strange feeling in his gut. It may have been indigestion, but he also knew that Tsunami could have kidnapped her. He didn’t have time to chat with the perverted copbot with a drom fetish he needed to solve the case and fast. Jake said good-bye to the copbot and ran towards the Pussy club. Jake entered the club.

Inside the club was the usual array of girls flaunting their naked bodies and providing services like lap dances a midst the dimly lit, cruddy room. Jake tried to play it cool and casually walked to the bar. He noticed that Lorenzo was here. He was there with a group of attractive ladies comprised of some blonde twins, a red headed dominatrix and a woman dressed as a cheerleader with the number 69 scrawled on her outfit. Jake was transfixed on them, so much so he didn’t look where he was walking and went face first into a dancer’s vagina. Lorenzo had noticed him.

“Well if it isn’t Jake Hard On! Heh heh what’s a dip shit like you doing her? Apart from making a fool of him self” shouted Lorenzo, his groupies now giggling and getting close to him. Jake walked up to Lorenzo.

“Trust me I’m no dip shit Lorenzo. I’m a pretty good detective. In fact I helped president Lioon Reza uncover that affair his wife was having with those two lesbian goth chicks and a drom. But what about you what have you done?”

“I’ve had sex with lots of hot women”

The room went silent.

“Lorenzo I’m here because I want to meet up with Madame Veronique. I think she might be involved in viagra” said Jake.

“Viagra…ha ha! What’s the matter Jake you cant live up to your name? Ha ha! I bet you stick socks down your trousers!”

The group of girls laughed. Jake went coy and backed away slightly.

“Listen Lorenzo I’m not afraid to use force to get somewhere” said Jake sternly.

“Oh really?”

Lorenzo pulled out his ultra powerful cursed soul plasma cannon. It had an extra damage boost modifier, laser sight, leather studded strap, range amplifiers and a neat little built in mp3 player. The ladies gasped and started to caress his big gun, his plasma cannon that is.

“Show me what you got” taunted Lorenzo.

Jake pulled out his small Wyatt Earp pistol. The barrel fell off.

The room went silent again. Then everyone laughed at Jake.

“Hey it’s not the size that counts its how you use it! Look Lorenzo just arrange a meeting” shouted Jake.

“Heh heh okay man. Just don’t shoot me with your peashooter. Ill tell her to meet you at club Veronique.”

Jake stormed out the club.

On the way to club Veronique Jake kept thinking about Lydia. Tsunami had probably kidnapped her seeing as she knew Dr. Dildonic. If he could find her then maybe she would think he was heroic and offer sex as a reward. Jake was feeling comfortable with this thought, in fact there was a little bounce in his step as he walked towards club Veronique.

As Jake entered club Veronique he found it strangely deserted. This was unusual because he was wearing deodorant. The club was looking pretty gloomy. He looked at the bar and thought, “Maybe a nice whisky will help this investigation”. But suddenly as he approached the bar two big men grabbed him by the arms. Lorenzo rose up from behind the bar.

“How ya doing detective dumb fuck! Heh heh bet you never saw this bitch. Madame Veronique doesn’t like you snooping in her business.” Said Lorenzo pulling out a nail gun.

Jake struggled to get free of Lorenzo’s goons but it was futile.

“Me and a couple of the boys decided to kidnap your lady friend” said Lorenzo with a smile.

“You mean…”
“Yes Sandra the sex doll”

One of Lorenzo’s goons brought Sandra to the bar.

“Lorenzo you sick bastard just you wait!” shouted Jake.

Lorenzo pointed the nail gun at Sandra. He fired and a nail shot through her head and stuck her to the wall of the bar. She slowly deflated.

“Woops look like I nailed your girlfriend” said Lorenzo smirking.

Lorenzo walked up to Jake and pointed the gun at Jake’s head. The goons held on to Jake tighter as he struggled. Jake now realised he was a dead man. He just wished he could pay he respects to Sandra the inflatable sex doll. Lorenzo’s finger tightly gripped the trigger of the nail gun.

But just as Lorenzo was about to pull the trigger the front door of club Veronique blew open. In came Lydia dressed with a large ammo belt round her and two semi automatic Uzi’s in both hands. She fired wildly at the goons and ripped them to shreds making a new red paint job for the club. Lorenzo hid behind a table trying to avoid the fire. Jake was unharmed but slightly fazed. Lydia rushed over to Jake.

“Are you okay?” asked Lydia

“Er fine”

Lorenzo came out of hiding and pointed the gun at Lydia. Lydia quickly ran over to him and promptly kicked him square in the testicles. This brought back memories of singing soprano at school to Lorenzo. Lorenzo collapsed whilst firmly holding onto his genitals. It would be at least a month for the swelling to go down and to actually find his testicles.

“Come on we have to get to the Madame Veronique’s office” said Lydia grabbing Jake by the arm.

“Wait how did you know where to find me?” asked Jake.

“Well I knew you were on the case and I wanted to help you so I got Dr. Pimple to track you down and keep tabs on you”

“Dr. Pimple? But how did you persuade that guy to do that. He’s a hacker you can barely get any sense out of him”

“Oh I just gave him what every hacker dreams about. Oral sex”

Jake and Lydia moved briskly through the club and reached an elevator which lead to Madame Veronique’s office and penthouse. They stepped in side and took it to the top floor, while the elevator played crappy music. Once there Lydia shot down the security guards patrolling the area. Jake timidly stepped out the elevator.

“Wow you sure have a lot of weaponry” said Jake.

“Lets just say I like to be prepared” said Lydia.

“ Tell me about I stuck a woolly sock down my trousers”

“Er what?”

“Er..that’s er…detective speak for er…brought my er pistol”

“Oh funny thing to say. Anyway Im going to search her penthouse, Ill see if I can find anything there. I want you to go search her office. Be careful Mr. Hard”

Jake nodded and they went there separate ways. Jake was quick to find her office although his first attempt made him wind up in a utility room. He thought the mop was pleased to see him. He slowly crept inside the office and found that Madame Veronique was not home. Also the computer had been left on. Jake was sure to find evidence here. He looked at the computer screen. But to his horror it needed a password in order for him to log on. Jake needed to think hard about this, he had to think logical. What type of password would a businesswoman use? He had to be quick.

He typed password as the password. It logged him on.

On Madame Veronique’s computer he had stumbled on a mother lode of evidence. This was like finding the missing link in the apartment opposite your own with the fountain of youth and proof of God’s existence. Well to Jake it was. On the computer he found the evil schemes Madame Veronique had been planning. Things like prostitution, murders, drug dealing and a contract with a company called “click2play”. After much searching he had found what he was looking for; a murder contract on Dr. Dildonic and the viagra formula as well. But strangely there were also weapon plans. Weapons and viagra somehow didn’t mix in Jakes mind.

A sharp blow hit Jake from behind, he collapsed and blacked out.

Which was good because he penis hit a nail sticking out of a floorboard.

14-02-06, 17:31
The industrial sector of Neocron is known by some and not at all by others. The faint smell of ash lingered in every crevice of this fragile place. Deep below the sector was a secret Tsunami prison. Ruthless people were crammed in their cells, alone in the dark and isolated from the outside world. It was a dark sanctuary to them, but they were prisoners. One of the prisoners knew this quite well a flung a turd at an inmate in the opposite cell from his.

In one of the cells was Jake Hard, Private Detective. After regaining consciousness from the blow that struck his head he soon realised he was imprisoned. He was trapped like a pubic hair between someone’s teeth right after oral sex. But he also realised he was not alone. Lydia was in the cell with him along with an elderly yet handsome man huddled in the corner of the cell.

“Who are you?” asked Jake

“My name is Dr. Albert Dildonic. My wife Lydia has told me all about you”

“Dr. Dildonic? But you were murdered”

“Indeed I was. But Tsunami decided to gene replicated me to help them in their diabolical research. I’m partly responsible for all this mess. I should of never dabbled in sexual research. Now Madame Veronique has us imprisoned because we know of her plans” said Dr. Dildonic grimly.

“I don’t understand why Tsunami would gene replicate you to continue research into viagra. They already have the formula from what I’ve seen”

“Oh its much more than that. Madame Veronique has developed a weapon of mass destruction from my research. She’s trying to harness the power of sex”

Jake looked at him with a confused expression. Things still didn’t add up. But he decided to listen to Dr. Dildonic; especially since a big hairy guy opposite the cell they were in was calling to him for some “lovin’”.

“Please doc continue” said Jake.

“Well my boy my viagra is powerful. Meaning a large build of sexual energy can be produced. With the destructive device Madame Veronique has developed she can transform this energy into a weapon. You see detective she can hold Neocron ransom. She has already worked on her list of demands for Admin” said Dr. Dildonic

Lydia who was sitting on the floor rose to feet.

“If we want to stop her we have to escape from this cell first” said Lydia.

Jake nodded in agreement. Quite enthusiastically because that big man in the opposite cell was starting to undress. Then a bright idea struck Dr. Dildonic’s brilliant and sexual mind.

“Well I think I might be able to break us out. You see to pay the bills I also got into the implanting business. And my last client wanted breast implants, fortunately she never showed up for the operation. I still have the silicon breast implants in my pocket”

“That’s great Doc but how does that help us?” said Jake.

“Well you see my boy silicon breast implants are actually highly explosive. We can use these to blow the cell door right off” said Dr. Dildonic reaching into his pocket.

Dr. Dildonic stuck the breast implants to the hinges of the cell door. Everything was in place. Jake rummaged through his pockets and found his trusty lighter. Dr. Dildonic lit the implants and him; Jake and Lydia crammed them themselves to the far end of the cell. The silicon implants were starting to get explosive.

And in one almighty explosion the cell door was blown off. And to Jake’s happy surprise the door had flung into the opposite cell killing the big hairy pervert.

“Mr. Hard I’m going to have to find the weapons control room in order to shut it down. It won’t be long till the Tsunami realise we have escaped. We need to act quickly in order to stop Madame Veronique” said Dr. Dildonic.

Now Jake’s case was getting more important. He was charged with the task of saving Neocron from complete sexual destruction. But he knew in his mind he was a man of principal and a man of dignity.

An inmate threw a turd at him.

14-02-06, 17:32
Below the surface of the industrial sector was a terrible device. A huge monolith of a destructive weapon that could destroy whole cities and reduce them to dust. It was huge, dark and throbbing with power. It made Jake feel quite inadequate. Him and Lydia and Dr. Dildonic were on ground floor of the weapon. They gazed up in awe at it. But Jake focused on the porn dungeon located near it.

“There it is. A weapon that can transform sexual energy into a destructive force. And I helped Tsunami build it” exclaimed Dr. Dildonic.

“You didn’t have to make it Albert” said Lydia.

“Oh but I had to my dear. They threatened to hunt down and kill you if I didn’t comply. I built it for you…..that’s why it’s strangely shaped like a phallus”

Jake was now heading towards the porn dungeon. Inside he found whips, spanking paddles, vibrators, mud wrestling pit and a copy of play drom. Jake wondered why on earth there would be a porn dungeon near a weapon of mass destruction.

“Hey doc why is there a…porn dungeon near the weapon?” asked Jake.

“Ah quite simple my boy. Madame Veronique built it to create sexual frustration to charge up the weapon. When the sexual frustration is released the sexual energy will become a powerful weapon. The device relies on a person to be inside the holding chamber located at the bottom of the weapon. When the person releases sexual energy they will manifest destruction on a sexual level!” said Dr. Dildonic.

The alarms in the facility started to sound. Dr. Dildonic grabbed Lydia, where as Jake grabbed a sock and put it down his trousers. It was time to finish this. Dr. Dildonic ran up to Jake.

“We don’t have much time. Jake I need you to be in that chamber. I can make your sexual energy collapse the weapon’s internal power drives. In other words we are going to use your sexual frustration to destroy this device” Said Dr. Dildonic.

“Woah doc I think you got me all wrong” replied Jake.

“What are you talking about man your perfect! Lydia has told me all about you and how horny you are. Look at yourself you put socks down your trousers to make yourself look like you have a big penis! You want to have sex with my wife too your even looking at her now!”

Jake looked down at his shoes. But in his mind he knew Dr. Dildonic was right. All his life he had sexual frustration built up inside him. He thought it was a curse, but now it seemed like a gift. With his sexual energy he could save Neocron. His penis would save millions.

“Listen Jake I’m going to take the elevator to the control room. Ill program it to use your sexual energy to over load it. I’m counting on you. We all are” said Dr. Dildonic

“But how do you know this will work doc?” replied Jake.
“Ha! I designed this thing. In fact the whole operating system uses some old 21st century software called “Windows XP” it’s bound to crash the whole system.”

Dr. Dildonic ran to the elevator and took it to the control room. There he frantically typed gibberish into the computer. Jake stepped into the chamber. Lydia approached him.

“Hey Lydia you better get to a safe spot, who knows what could happen. Besides Tsunami guards will be here any minute” said Jake glumly.

“Mr. Hard I just wanted to wish you good luck and to show you these..” said Lydia removing her top and showing her firm, round, perfect breasts. The device charged up. Dr. Dildonic turned on the microphone in the control room.

“Lydia what the hell did you do?! There’s an influx of power this things going critical! My word there’s so much sexual energy it can’t be contained! Quickly get up here where its safe!” cried Dr. Dildonic.

Lydia ran to the elavator and got inside. Meanwhile the device was getting really juiced up, so was Jake but that’s a little too much information. Sparks were now exploding from the side. Jake was caught in a complete electro static field that have been created in the chamber. He was shaking all over and more electricity and sparks appeared. The device whirred and churned more power that was building up in the fusion reactors. The blast doors of the silo where the weapon was opened and Tsunami guards poured in.

And then that’s when it happened. Jake came.


Suddenly a huge streak of lightning shot out from the chamber instantly frying the guards. The monolith of a weapon exploded at the sides as pure sexual energy burst at the seems. Jake was pouring out power and creating huge amounts of electricity. Finally the device exploded in a shower of electricity and sparks. The blast ripped through the windows of the control room throwing Lydia and Dr. Dildonic across the room. Luckily they were okay. They took the elevator to ground level.

Amongst the rubble, dust, electrical sparks and the odd bit of semen lay Jake on the floor. Lydia rushed to his aid and nestled his head on her soft warm breasts.

“Jake are you okay?” she whispered in his ear.

Jakes eyes opened and focused his eyes on Lydia. He opened his mouth.

“I….I..really need a cigarette”

When Jake had gained his strength they decided to get out the facility. It wouldn’t be long till City Admin would be here alerted by the explosion. The trio slowly made their way through the porn dungeon to get out the facility. Dr. Dildonic was helping Jake walk seeing as he was a bit tired. That was until a big spanking paddled whacked Jake in the face. The owner of it was the infamous Madame Veronique with fury in her eyes and a spanking paddle in her hands. Jake tried to get back on his feet.

“You miserable worm! Ruining my plans of destruction!” exclaimed Madame Veronique.

“You bitch!” yelled Lydia as she pounced on Madame Veronique and hauled her across the dungeon and into the mud-wrestling pit.

The two of them wrestled each other and moaned. They furiously tore off each other’s clothes and tried to pin each other down but this only lead to more clothes being torn and more squirming. Each time they tried to grab hold of one another their firm, smooth breasts collided together. The eroticism of it all left Jake and Dr. Dildonic in a complete trance like state. Minutes later City Admin arrived and entered the porn dungeon. The team was being lead by Inspector Kum.

One of the copbots found the trio as well as Madame Veronique. A copbot alerted Inspector Kum.

“Sir I found Madame Veronique and Lydia Ryder they appear to be doing some sort of exercise…err Im not sure. And Jake Hard and Dr. Dildonic are here but they seem to have been hypnotised by Tsunami. Well it appears that way.”

“Excellent work. Cant wait to read Jakes report” Said Kum.

Later that day at the City Administration Jake filed his report and stamped it “case closed”. His report made interesting reading for Kum. And the copbots highlighted the description of the porn dungeon in the report and stuck it in the men’s lavatory for some reason. Jake was proud of his work, but decided to head back to his old life of being a Private Eye who spied on people. And so after debriefing Kum he headed to his office and packed his things in a cardboard box. But just as he was about to walk out, Lydia came in.

“Oh hi Lydia how ya doin’?” said Jake

“Im fine, just came to say thanks for all you’ve done. I mean if you hadn’t tried to solved this case I wouldn’t of been able to follow your leads and get captured and find Albert”

“So your back with Albert then. You must be really happy”

“We are. He’s thinking of retiring and were going to go live in a luxurious apartment in Via Rosso. If it wasn’t for you and your sex starved mind we would of never got this far. Thank you Mr. Hard”

“Please call me Jake”

Lydia gave him a peck on the cheeked and she walked out his office. Jake waved her goodbye. Jake found it typical that he never got the girl in the end. Just once he would like to have sex with a beautiful woman. Guess he was going to have to buy a new sex doll.
As Jake walked out his office a copbot approached him.

“Excuse me Mr. Hard there’s a lady here to see you at reception. She’s quite a looker too” said the copbot.

Maybe things were looking up for Jake. He briskly took the gravity lift down to reception. And that’s when he was greeted by an all too familiar person.


Jake shot himself.

The End

14-02-06, 17:35
Another story was created and I put fans of my works in my own stories, I'm just THAT nice. Sadly due to teh nature of my stories no one wants to be in my stories any more.

With my bad grammar and twisted mind in full flow I wrote Jake Hard and the Clitoris of Ceres, which I submit to you.

14-02-06, 17:36
The dark sky drenched Neocron and flickers of lightning arched its way over the city. The rain poured down heavily on the huge crowd that was now building up outside the Neocron Museum of Unnatural History. The crowds were eager to get inside to look at the new addition to the museum so much so they trampled a blind person to death. But hey who cares.

Inside the museum was a new archaeological discovery. One shrouded in mystery and beauty. Archaeologists have no idea what secrets it holds only that it is a very strange jewel. A jewel known only as…The Clitoris of Ceres.

With the crowds subdued and seated inside the huge foyer of the museum and after a rather excited copbot was done frisking people and complimenting them on their asses, the unveiling of the Clitoris would commence. The curator of the museum, John Floppy, stood up to the podium and switched on the microphone to address the excited crowd. On the right of John was Miss Cherry Pop a very beautiful and gorgeous woman with a body built for bedrooms. She had bought the jewel in an auction but before she could keep it she had to agree that it must be shown to the public. And what girl doesn’t mind showing her clitoris to the public?

John spoke into the microphone.

“Ladies and Gentleman and the odd copbot who gets pleasure out of frisking people.”

The copbot nodded and continued harassing a museum security guard in a perverted fashion.

“I am proud to unveil the Clitoris of Ceres. A beautiful jewel found by archaeologists in an underground temple built by Ceres. We are not sure why Ceres had this jewel but there are theories. And now to unveil this beautiful sight.” said John pointing to a glass case with a red veil over it.

The copbot stopped groping a nearby spectator and strolled casually up to the case while pointing his fingers and nodding at the person he just frisked. He quickly pulled off the veil. The crowd gasped. The Clitoris of Ceres was not there.

“Woah its invisible” said the copbot.

“What! Where is it?!” exclaimed John.

“What’s going on?” asked Cherry Pop

“I can’t seem to find the clitoris” said John.

“I don’t expect you to know where the clitoris is you’re a man”

“No miss Pop I mean the Clitoris of Ceres..its..its gone missing!” shouted John.

Meanwhile in a seedy bar in Pepper Park a lone drinker was sat near the counter drinking his fifth whiskey. The gloomy lights reflected his mood of depression. But this one no ordinary drinker this was Jake Hard: Private Detective. He was a broken man after his last case.

Nothing could cheer him up. That was until an attractive lady sat next to him at the bar. She had a nice curvy body and breasts that seemed to be the equivalent of safety air bags. Jake stopped drinking at looked at this fine young lady, she was making eye contact and smiling and she was right next to him. Jake thought she might have poor eyesight but he dismissed this thought. He was very drunk but he still had to think of a way to compliment her that showed he was charming. He opened his mouth.

“YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!” Jake shouted.

“Erm…thanks” said the lady blushing.

Jake now promised himself that he wouldn’t let the booze talking. But seeing as the lady wasn’t faking a seizure to get out of talking with him, everything was going fine. He straightened his leather jacket and put on a smile.

“I’m a detective” Jake said smiling.

“Really what’s it like?” asked the lady.

“Oh its terrible…I mean in my last case I managed to lose a loved one.” Said Jake quite glum.

“Oh how horrible” said the lady sympathetically.

“Yeah she was the best damn inflatable sex doll I ever had”

The lady eyes widened with confusion. But she put a smile on her face.

“That’s a pretty funny joke” she said.

“Er..yeah…a joke…” said Jake smiling back.

Jake sipped his drink. The lady next to him was now playing with his thick black shiny hair. Jake tucked himself closer to the bar before his erection put the bar stool to shame.

“You’re a very cute detective you know that. What’s your name?” said the lady.

“Jake Hard. Very hard actually” Jake said blushing.

“How about you come to my apartment and you can do a private investigation” said the lady flirting.

“Er..okay…but…I still don’t know your name” said Jake.

The lady whispered in his ear.

“Its Brian”

14-02-06, 17:37
A storm was brewing in Neocron, the clouds turned grey and the rain was coming out the sky like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. In Pepper Park in a dilapidated housing complex, Jake Hard was in his office sleeping in his leather chair. A gust of wind awoke him from his slumber and he quickly closed a nearby open window. Fortunately for Jake he closed the window on the fingers of a mutant that was crawling up to his office to steal his holodisk of “When Droms Attack 3”. Jake went back to sleep in his chair and went into a deep sleep.

His office door was slammed opened by his ugly landlord. He was called Ugly Roy on the count of his ugliness and the fact that hates being called Roy. He was a bit mad that the door slamming hadn’t woke up Jake. He scratched his crotch, which was thankfully tucked away in his white worn out boxers. Ugly Roy was a slob he wore a grey vest with stains, lots of stains, in fact Jake was commissioned by a tenant once to figure out what the stains were but to no avail. Ugly Roy lit a cigar and blew smoke on Jake. Jake just murmured.

“Hey wake up you lazy bastard” said Roy shaking Jake.

Jake didn’t stir.

“Hey wake up asshole!” cried out Ugly Roy as he slapped Jake across the face.

“AH I SWEAR SHE WAS EIGHTEEN!” shouted Jake as he woke up. He looked around his office slightly dazed. Then he saw Ugly Roy towering above him. His ugly grimace definitely made him wide-awake now.

“Read this” said Ugly Roy handing Jake a tatty piece of paper.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake.

“You’re reading it upside down idiot”

Jake turned the paper the right way round.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake again.

“You see that asswipe? That’s the money you owe me. The money I need to tolerate your dumb ass in my fine establishment” said Ugly Roy pealing a bit of wallpaper off a nearby damp wall.

“Roy my man I’m good for the money, I just know that my next case is going to be a good one. I can feel it” said Jake trying to act cool.

“Bullshit! I’m tired of you and your excuses and your socks that you stick down your trousers to make ya dick look bigger!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Woah socks down my trousers? Lets not jump to conclusions” said Jake sneakily pulling out a sock from his trousers and putting it in one of his desk drawers.

“You’re out of here Jake. Pack your shit you’re gone. And I’m taking your copy of “When Droms Attack 3” too”

“Well can I least have my Wyatt Earp pistol back? You know the one you’ve been using as a paperweight.”

“Yeah sure that’s the only good thing it can be used for”

“Hey it’s a good gun in fact I shot someone last week with it”

“You shot yourself numb nuts”

“At least I shot someone” said Jake grinning.

And with those words Jake was kicked out of his office, which was also his home. He could no longer kip by radiator or fry rat burgers on his computer monitor. All he had was a box of crap and the cold streets. Things couldn’t get worse. Well actually they did as someone emptied a mini septic tank on him from one of the housing complexes.

The thunder roared above Jake has his depressingly walked the cold dark streets. Then a copbot approached him.

“Jake Hard?” asked the copbot in his metallic deep voice.

“Yes that’s me what do you want?” said Jake.

“Miss Cherry Pop would like to meet you on urgent business. I am ordered to take you to her” said the copbot.

“Er..who? okay…never mind lets just go.”

“Ok sir but before we go I’m going to have to frisk you first” said the copbot with a tinge of joy in his voice.

The copbot started to frisk Jake. Jake felt very uncomfortable but even more so when the copbot said:

“You know what you’ve got a nice ass”

14-02-06, 17:38
The Chez Cypher restaurant gave off a relaxing atmosphere and the patrons were happily eating their delicious and exquisite meals. They were all happy and laughing and all rich. They were joyous ignoring the storm and the homeless person mooning at them through a window. The voluptuous Cherry Pop was seated at a table alone with a faint candlelight as company. Until of course Jake Hard came in from the rain shivering and escorted by a copbot.

“Here is Jake Hard Miss Cherry. Want me to frisk him again?” said the copbot.

“NO!” shrieked Jake.

“No that’s quite alright. Leave us alone we have business to discuss.” Said Cherry Pop.

The copbot departed and Jake took a seat at the table. Cherry Pop smiled at him and Jake quickly zipped up his flies so the beast did not escape.

“Mr. Hard I want you to find my clitoris” said Cherry.

“Well I don’t hear that everyday. Wish I did though” said Jake.

“Mr. Hard I’ve read your case profile and its…interesting. Hence why you are suited for an interesting artifact known only as the Clitoris of Ceres.”

“Clitoris of wha?”

“Ceres. It was discovered in what we believe to be Ceres sex temple. A very long time ago Ceres had a sex temple built where the finest ladies would be presented, well the ones who still had their skin and not radiation burns. We have now deciphered ancient tablets found in the ruins and have discovered that it is at the temple that Ceres found love. She was a beautiful maiden and he wanted her to love him. So he had a jewel constructed, one that represented her finest aspect: her femininity.”


“Her vagina Mr. Hard”


“Anyway war broke out and Ceres was unable to give her the jewel as a token of love. And it was left in the temple never to be disturbed until present day”

“So it just a jewel…big deal” said Jake.

“Oh it’s much more than a jewel Mr. Hard. The tablets say that Ceres endowed it with powers to increase sexual prowess. If the secrets of it are unlocked you could seduce anyone” said Cherry Pop.

“Why do you want to increase sexual prowess you have a huge breasts that can seduce anyone?” said Jake.
“I wish it was that easy Mr. Hard. It’s hard trying to find a decent man in Neocron. All they want is sex, rough sex, hot sweaty sex, fantastic sex they just want to hold me in their arms and pump away” said Cherry frantically.

Jake quickly grabbed a napkin to stop the flow of dribble coming out of his mouth.

“So will you help me?” asked Cherry.

“Sure” said Jake melting like butter on a piece of hot corn.

This was Jakes chance to show he was a decent man. Cherry’s dream guy, a guy who was sensitive and caring and not a sexually depraved individual. But before Jake could work his smooth charms on Cherry an annoying acquaintance of Jake rushed up to him upon spotting him outside.

“Hey man its me Tratos!” he shouted.

The patrons stared at Tratos and a now flustered Jake who was sat at a table with a very beautiful girl.

“Oh hey…Tratos” said Jake going coy.

“Hey man when you going to pay back for that porn holodisk that I leant to you and you broke. And man have you stolen some of my socks to put down your trousers to make your penis look big again. Coz like I checked my wardrobe and…”

Jake quickly put his hand over Tratos’ mouth before he could say any more. The patrons giggled and Cherry frowned. Jake just blushed and went shy.

“Ill leave you to get on with the case” said Cherry getting out of her seat and getting out of the restaurant and out of Jake’s dreams. Jake removed his hand from Tratos’ mouth.

“Aaaww man sorry I ruined your date. But hey you don’t need to have sex with big breasted hot women” said Tratos

Jake looked at Tratos.

“Ok I lied Jake I guess you do need to get laid.”

14-02-06, 17:39
A dreary fog gathered on the streets of Neocron. It masked the evil nightlife that inhabited the streets and the degenerates that walked the streets. In the dirty Pepper Park red light district Jake Hard wondered around looking for the Pussy Club. He tried to ask for directions but most people he met were strippers and they would usually run away at the sight of a boner trying to force its way out of his trousers. Luckily he managed to find the club.

Inside the neon lit club the patrons were nowhere to be seen. In fact the dancers were gone and Jake didn’t have an erection to scare them off either. It was quite strange. Near the bar of the club sat one of Jake’s contacts. A person by the name of Lorenzo. He was not alone either; a Neocron News Network reporter called Menome was also seated near Lorenzo.

“Oh great if it isn’t Jake Hard on. You stupid fuck get out of my club!” yelled Lorenzo.

“Okay Lorenzo first of all this isn’t your club your uncle owns it and he hates you. And second I just want to ask you some questions” said Jake.

“No way fucker, that bitch you were helping in the viagra case left me scarred for life. Nothing more painful than being kicked in the balls. Now I have implants”

“Implants for testicles?”

“Yeah fucker I now have the latest in Biotech Balls TM"

Jake shuddered.

“So no questions then?” asked Jake

“No fuck off” said Lorenzo.

Suddenly Menome looked at Jake Hard.

“I might be able to help you. The names Menome I’m a reporter”

“That’s great but I don’t deal with the press” said Jake.

“That’s too bad because I don’t deal with crummy detectives. I know your working on the clitoris theft and I also might know where you can find some leads” said Menome smiling.

“Okay shoot” said Jake.

“First I need a good story for tonight’s viewers and so far Lorenzo and his Biotech Balls TM isn’t going to be a hard hitting story. But you on the other hand see a lot of weird things so gimme something I can work with.”

Lorenzo frowned and Jake rummaged through his pockets. He pulled out a dirty hankie, dusty thong inspector licence, a crusty old sock and finally a photo. Not just any photo. This was pure scandal. It was a photo of President Lioon Reza, with a hooker in his office with a large vat of whipped cream. Jake promptly gave it to Menome. Menome gazed at it and his eyes bulged a little.

“I think this is hard hitting” said Jake grinning.

“What! Lemme see some of that shit!” cried Lorenzo.

“Woah is….I’ve never seen so much whipped cream…I…..is this authentic?” said Menome mesmerised by the photo.

“Certainly is” said Jake

“Excuse me while I authenticate it” said Menome rushing off to the men’s room. Unfortunately the men’s room was locked but he was so eager to “authenticate” it he happily went into the ladies room.

Ten minutes later Menome returned slightly flustered. Jake looked at him slightly perturbed. Menome pocketed the photo with a grin.

“Yep its real. Now Ill go give you the name of a valuable informant. His name is Brammers lives up in tech haven a real ladies man. He should be able to help you find the clitoris.” Said Menome glowing.

Menome wrote down Brammers address on a tattered piece of paper and gave it to Jake.

“Do you know anything about the clitoris Menome?” asked Jake.

“Trust me after the picture you showed me I think I know enough” said Menome smiling.

“No the Clitoris of Ceres...Oh forget it” said Jake and he quickly left the club.

Jake gathered up some gear and went to the nearest vehicle depot. He mounted himself on his rusty old hover bike. He engaged the engines and blasted into the wastelands. He felt proud and majestic speeding over the land. But he soon felt like an idiot when he realised he hadn’t done up his trouser belt and his trousers came flying off.

14-02-06, 17:40
The shadowy hallways and humming of electricity was starting to get to Jake. He was at his destination: Tech Haven. Tech Haven seemed eerie to Jake and he was quite scared. He quickly jumped into a nearby apartment lift. He was now breathing hard because he was in unfamiliar territory. He quickly typed in Brammers’ apartment code and took the elevator to his apartment. When he reached the apartment a creepy silence filled the air. Jake slowly crept to the front door. He opened it.

A bra flew at his face.

“Do you mind this is private property!” yelled Brammers as a horde of half nude girls paraded around his apartment.

Jake was transfixed on you beautiful buxom girls cuddling Brammers in his purple dressing gown. The girls were happy and cute and having pillow fights in their underwear on Brammers’ king sized waterbed. And Brammers acted as if it was all normal.

“Can I help you?” asked Brammers.

“Huh….oh yeah…I’m a detective….” said Jake straining to concentrate.

“Ah I see what can I do for you detective?” said Brammers lighting his pipe and enjoying some heavy petting from two blonde twins.

“I was told you might be able to help me. Tell me Brammers have you seen a clitoris recently?”

“Many times boy many times” smirked Brammers.

The girls giggled.

“I mean the Clitoris of Ceres. Ring any bells?”

“Yes yes it does. You see every month my shipment of bikini wax is imported into Tech Haven. And I have some dominion over what is imported into Tech Haven, so when I saw in the shipment logs that a jewel was being imported I thought it was suspicious what with the recent theft. Sadly I lost track of it.”

“Well thanks Brammers. Erm just what are you doing with all these young ladies?” asked Jake.

“Oh…erm…well they are research assistants for my business” said Brammers stroking a girl who was holding onto his arm.

“Research? What kind of research?” said Jake.

“Biology” said Brammers with a grin.

The girls giggled. Jake just shrugged.

“Now detective if you excuse me my Jacuzzi water is getting cold. Come on ladies I have a fun game we can play evolving cooking oil and my busy busy hands” said Brammers leading the girls to his Jacuzzi. Jake left and the door closed on him with a big clunk.

“Lucky Bastard” muttered Jake under his breath.

When Jake got to ground level he felt empty. Brammers had all the ladies and luxury and he had nothing. Nothing apart from that sexy scantily dressed women waving at him from across the hallway. Wait a minute!

Jake rubbed his eyes. She was real and she didn’t have an adams apple it was a good sign.

“Have hot sweaty sex with me now Jake!” the woman cried.

Jakes eyes widened and he charged down the hallway. He quickly found himself getting closer and closer and actually going through the woman and into a very hard wall. She was a hologram and he was now twated to near unconsciousness.

When Jake awoke he found him self tied to a chair and deep in one of Tech Haven’s energy cores. On either side of him were two burly men in black suits firmly stationed. Jake looked around and realised he hadn’t scored with the woman and in fact had a very soar head. This seemed like a set-up.

“Ah detective dipshit” said a voice nearby.

Jake recognised the voice. It sounded ugly. In walked Ugly Roy dressed in a suit, probably something of a first. He had a cigar dangling from his mouth as always. He blew smoke into the air and laughed.

“Oh man am I glad to see you Roy. Look tell these guys to get lost and untie me would ya” said Jake.

“You’re a dumb ass Jake. I’m the reason you’re here, your exploits are quite well known and as such I found out about you looking for the Clitoris of Ceres” said Ugly Roy.

Roy pulled out the pink glistening jewel from under his sleeve. It gleamed in the artificial light produced by the energy core.

“Eeeewww what are you doing with a blood clot up your arm” said Jake.

“It’s a clitoris fuckwit!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Okay Roy just hand over the clitoris and Ill make sure the cops go easy on you when you get arrested”

“I may be dumb Jake but I’m not stupid. I worked hard for this and I’m so close to uncovering its secrets. That’s why I moved my operations to Tech Haven so the science boffins could figure out how to decipher its hidden powers. You may know me as a lousy landlord but in the crime syndicate I’m a powerful businessman. Hence why I always have cigars” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Oh you don’t believe that thing can give you sexual prowess do you?” said Jake.

“You may not have noticed this Jake but I’m an ugly ugly man. I’ve been ugly since the day I was born, in fact the doctor turned round and slapped my mother I was THAT ugly. I remember being a teenager and on the night of the big prom dance…well I was the guy serving punch”

“Oh yeah man I had that job too it sucked”

“But once this thing is figured out I will have ladies all over me. I wont have to pay prostitutes and stick a paper bag over my head, I wont have to sit in the back of restaurants and I wont have to buy women’s underwear on auction sites.” said Ugly Roy quite happily.

“That’s great Roy now you can let me go…” said Jake.

“ No way Jake you know to much”

“Well you shouldn’t have told me”

“Now I’m not a devious man…”

“No you’re an ugly man”

“Shut up you stupid fucker!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“So I guess seeing as I know about your perverted plan your going to kill me” said Jake bluntly.

“Exactly. But as I was saying I’m not a devious man so I’ll give you a choice of how you die. A luxury some people don’t have and a luxury a fuck like you doesn’t deserve. But I’m in a good mood so I’ll be nice.” Said Ugly Roy grinning.

“Oh crap”

“Now you can either die in the caverns of despair…”

“Nope not gonna happen”

“Or you get fucked in the ass with barbed wire”

“Yep caverns of despair for me”

14-02-06, 17:41
After a rough landing Jake Hard found himself in a dark and damp cavernous pit. The walls were paved with bones and darkness. Jake trembled slightly he could here a squeaking sound. And out from a tiny hole popped out a wee crab. Jake sighed with relief. The wee crab chirped at him.

“You scared me…what do you want?” said Jake.

The wee crab chirped at him again.

“Listen to me I’m talking to a wee crab. Oh well…you hungry little guy? Well I don’t have much food…erm I have a crusty sock if that’s what you want”

Jake handed the wee crab a crusty sock. To Jake’s surprise the wee crab gobbled it up. It belched and scurried off back into its hole. Jake was a bit overwhelmed by the weirdness of his situation.


Jake quickly found him self surrounded by thousands of wee crabs that had dragged him into a coliseum like damp cavern. They had placed him on the moist ground and had encircled him. There were thousands upon thousands all glaring at him. There was a muffle from a close circuit of wee crabs. And from the crowd a wee crab emerged a wee crab with a huge brain.


“HAIL!” shrieked the hordes of wee crabs in their puny voices.

The king wee crab approached Jake.

“Greetings upworlder. I am King Wee Crab welcome to my kingdom and who might you be?”

“HOLY FUCK!” shouted Jake.

“Do not be alarmed I am merely a wee crab with vast intellectual capacity” said King Wee Crab.

“Erm I’m Jake…and I’m very confused” said Jake looking around nervously.

“So you should be. We usually eat most upworlders but you showed kindness to one of our kind”

“To be honest it was just a crusty sock. ….look…erm why do you have a big…brain?”

“Well upworlder there has been much radiation seeping into the caverns. This radiation has mutated our kind and has made us different from most wee crabs. The radiation mutated me in such a way that I can know contemplate all things intellectual and mathematical”

“Wow guess you were very lucky”

“Not as lucky as the wee crab who grew two penises. Anyway your arrival has set our prophecy in motion. Now we can have our freedom!” said King Wee Crab.

“Prophecy?” said Jake confused.

“We the wee crabs prophesised an upworlder who put socks down his trousers…”


“Let me finish….anyway this upworlder would lead us to the above world and help us crush the barricade erected by humans and allow us to travel to ancient breeding grounds where we can get da pusseh!”

The wee crabs cheered.

“You wee crabs just want to get laid. Hey I can relate. As long as you can help me get back at my ugly landlord then Ill gladly help” said Jake rather pleased.

“Excellent. You see the humans put up an electric fence connected to an outpost to stop their enemies from crossing their territory. This has hindered us. If you distract the humans and turn off the power we will attack the outpost.”

Jake nodded in agreement.

That night near a secluded outpost near the coast of the wasteland the army of wee crabs readied themselves for an attack. Jake Hard stealthily move past the outpost defences and spotted two guards looking at the stars. Jake had a good distraction. Jake remembered a photo he had taken in one of his cases where someone had died in an orgy from suffocating on extremely large breasts. Luckily Jake had it stashed in his breast pocket of his shirt. He casually walked up to the guards.

“Excuse me gentlemen have you seen this man?” said Jake handing them the photo.

The guards stared at the photo as if caught in at trance. Jake hastily went to the power grid and switched it off. Jake then ran out the outpost and up to the top of the nearby hillside where the wee crabs were in position.

“CHARGE!” shrieked King Wee Crab.

The army of wee crabs poured down the hillside and past the outpost defences. The guards had spotted the wee crabs charging at them.

“Woah this shit finally kicked in” said a guard looking at his joint of weed.

Sadly the inhabitants of the outpost were no match for the swarm of wee crabs and were devoured. Well okay slowly minutely devoured seeing as they are wee crabs and quite small. After the victory and after the destruction of the fence the wee crabs got tanked up on booze found in the outpost. Merriness was all over the outpost as wee crabs drunk, sang and toasted toes over small fires.

And in the morning the wee crabs huddled together and awaited a message from Jake.

“Wee Crabs lend me your…ears…claws er…..”

“Ill lend you a penis” said the Wee Crab with two penises.

“That’s quite alright” continued Jake, “Now we must go thwart my ugly land lord who cant get laid! You’ve fought hard and drunk hard but we must attack Tech Haven. And I promise when we get there we can get more booze”

“HOORAY!” cried the wee crabs.

King Wee Crab clambered over the crowds to Jake.

“ I would like to thank you Jake. We can now find true happiness and sex. Whether or not lady wee crabs find large throbbing brains attractive is still yet to be seen but I can dream. As a token of our appreciation we give you this triple thick woolly sock” said King Wee Crab clawing over a sock to Jake.

“Er thanks” said Jake.

14-02-06, 17:43
The sun glistened over the hills near Tech Haven filling the air with tranquillity. The huge entrance of Tech Haven was now guarded by an elite Special Forces unit sent by the Fallen Angels. To be honest the elite force was only made up of three people because the rest of the task force didn’t take the army of wee crab warnings seriously. The unit was comprised of the jittery Phayse, the squeamish Ressi Blade and the insane commander Ventrue. Who truly was insane because every time he went into battle he would always put a pair of fur dice round his neck to make him look intimidating.

The team gathered into position, poised and ready for the on coming swarm. Commander Ventrue decided a few words of encouragement would help his team seeing as they were destined for death.

“Alright troops we maybe facing extreme odds. They said wee crabs wouldn’t dare attack us, I said they would and now were going to get fucked. But you have to find comfort in war. I think of a happy moment in life to calm my nerves before battle. For me a happy moment was dressing up in my girlfriends clothes when she was away at work”

Phayse and Ressi looked at each other in confusion. The ammo was limited and it was only a matter of time before they were reduced to using flaming toilet roll. Commander Ventrue looked at Phayse who was now shaking.

“What’s up with you private?” said Commander Ventrue.

“Sir I think I soiled my pants….” Said Phayse whimpering.

“WHAT! Son you soil your military issue pants you soil the honour of this proud elite fighting force. I swear if we get out of this alive I’m gonna kill you”

Suddenly the huge army of wee crabs swarmed over the hills and headed towards the entrance in their droves. Fallen Angel high command was right a huge army of wee crabs was heading towards Tech Haven and it wasn’t a practical joke by a sensor technician. Although it did seem like it at the time. The troops positioned themselves by some crates ready to do battle against an army of…..well a lot too many to count.

“Alright troops…put your fingers on the trigger and breathe in and..aim..and watch me RUN LIKE A COWARD!” screamed Commander Ventrue as he ran to the entrance.

The swarm of wee crabs poured over the entrance of Tech Haven and devoured the troops.

Meanwhile in Brammers’ penthouse suit situated inside Tech Haven, Brammers was now with his fiancée Tricia. They were cuddling on his warm relaxing waterbed as soft music was being played in the background. Tricia rubbed her hands through Brammers’ thick chest hair and smiled.

“Tricia my darling let me show you a trick I picked up. I can remove your bra with one hand whilst removing your panties with nothing but my teeth” said Brammers caressing Tricia who was wearing only a bra, panties and a smile.
But before Brammers could actually show Tricia his womanising powers a huge contingent of wee crabs smashed through a ventilating duct and into the penthouse. Amongst the swarm was Jake who was brushing dust off his coat after getting out the duct.

“Sorry to burst in on you like this Brammers but we needed a covert way to get into Tech Haven. It’s the only way I can get the clitoris for a really good-looking lady. Could you honestly say no to a beautiful lady?” said Jake calmly.

“Certainly not dear boy. Carry on with your mission or what ever. But please tell your wee crabs to stay away from my caviar and porn collection” said Brammers pointing to the pilfering wee crabs.

“Speaking of beautiful ladies Brammers where are all those girls I saw in here yesterday?”

Tricia looked at Brammers in shock. Brammers went red.

“Brammers how could you! Do you know how much of a turn on that is for me!” exclaimed Tricia.

“WHAT!” said Jake and Brammers together.

Tricia grabbed Brammers and pinned him to the bed and madly kissed him. “Lucky bastard” muttered Jake and he and his army of wee crabs headed to the energy core of Tech Haven.

In a hidden lab near the core the clitoris stored in a glass chamber was being scanned by a group of scientists. Ugly Roy looked upon his prized possession with glee.

“I take it Jake took the bait” said Menome watching the scientists scanning the clitoris.

“Yep went just like planned. You send him to Tech Haven, I place the hologram and my henchmen beat the shit out of him. Well actually Jake beat the shit out of himself but it was all good” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Now about my payment…” said Menome.

“Oh sure I got your payment” then Ugly Roy picked up a gatlin pistol from a nearby shelf and gunned down Menome. Ugly Roy laughed haughtily. But stopped after hearing footsteps drawing closer to him.

“How ya doing Ugly Roy?” said Jake grinning.

“You! How the fuck did you get out the pit of despair? Ah no matter Ill just shoot you” said Ugly Roy aiming his gun at Jake.

“You know what my all time hated sexual disease is….CRABS!” said Jake throwing a wee crab at Ugly Roy that he had concealed behind his back. The wee crab latched onto Ugly Roy’s face and started scratching at it. As Ugly Roy screamed in horror he dropped his gatlin pistol. Jake quickly grabbed the gun. He fired wildly at the scientists, but being a crap shot missed. Despite this the scientists ran for their lives. Jake dropped the now depleted gatlin pistol and smashed the glass chamber with his hand, which did hurt, and grabbed the Clitoris of Ceres. He ran to a ladder leading to the main retail area of Tech Haven.

Ugly Roy tore the wee crab from his face and stamped on it. He cried out in anger and frustration and followed Jake’s trail. Jake was surprised that his army of wee crabs were not around and that clearly the Fallen Angel security network must have cleaned them out. As he looked around the retail area for his wee crab friends Ugly Roy jumped him from behind. Ugly Roy tried to grab the Clitoris of Ceres from Jake’s grasp. They struggled over the clitoris until finally it squirmed out of their grasp and flew into the air. It was soon grasped by a firm hand. It was the hand of Brammers.

“Hello detective didn’t think I’d be seeing you here wrestling an ugly man with a clitoris in your hands. Just gone to get some towels my hands are all greasy from massage oils” said Brammers.

Sadly Brammers hands were quite greasy because the clitoris slipped out of his hand and fell onto the hard floor. It shattered into tiny fragments. And then something happened something strange. A powerful pink light shone from the fragments of the jewel and clung to Brammers. Ugly Roy and Jake looked at Brammers in awe, as they lay on the ground in mid wrestle.

“Brammers you have sexual prowess!” exclaimed Jake.

“Nothing new there my boy. Terribly sorry about the jewel…” but before Brammers could finish his sentence Tricia pounced on him from a retailer close by.

Ugly Roy punched Jake in the face knocking him to the ground. Jake held his now bleeding nose.

“You fuck! You stupid fuck! Now I’m gonna fuck you in the ass with barbed wire seeing as that’s the only joy I’m going to get out of you!” said Ugly Roy unzipping his trousers and pulling out some barbed wire from his pockets.

Jake trembled with fear. He was going to get fucked but not in the way he had hoped for. He closed his eyes and thought of Cherry Pop and how he had let her down. He was never going to have sex with her and the whole point of finding the jewel was to impress her. Now he wasn’t going to have fantastic sex her and have her cry out…

“ATTACK!” squealed a voice in the distance.

A whole army of wee crabs dropped out of a ventilation shaft high above and charged at Ugly Roy. They devoured Ugly Roy in a brutal fashion and vomited him shortly afterwards. The wee crabs helped Jake get back on his feet. King Wee crab descended from the ventilation shaft and landed gently on the ground.

“Thanks King Wee Crab you saved my ass, literally” said Jake relieved.

“Don’t mention it. Now my wee crab brethren and me are going to the breeding grounds and procreate” said King Wee Crab.


“Have sex”

“Oh well good luck. I certainly know I’m not going to get any. I’ve blown my chance to score with a hot girl.” Said Jake forlorn.

King Wee Crab patted Jake on the back. Brammers pushed Tricia aside and approached Jake. Brammers smiled.

“Look my boy you still have a chance to win this ladies heart. You just have to not treat her as a sex object. You know relax a little and be a kind gentlemen and a fun guy. That’s the secret with the ladies. You don’t need to get her fancy jewellery shaped like genitalia. Take it from me kid I know about matters of the heart” said Brammers rather cheerily.

Jake felt kind of humble by this advice Brammers had given him. He now knew what he had to do. He quickly waved his allies good-bye who in turned wished him the same. Jake rushed to the nearest gene replicated. Typed in the destination: Neocron Via Rosso. And was promptly teleported.

At Cherry Pop’s exquisite apartment Cherry had just got out of her luxury bath tub and was now wearing a towel that was tightly around her bosoms which were quite frankly very large. As she was getting her saucy lingerie on there was a knock at the door. It was Jake.

“Mr. Hard please come in” said Cherry.

Jake waked in and acted very calm. Jake pulled out a sock in his trousers. He wasn’t going to need it.

“So did you find the Clitoris of Ceres Mr. Hard?” asked Cherry.

“I’m sorry Miss but it was destroyed by a man with greasy hands and a ferocious sexual appetite” said Jake.

“You mean Lioon Reza destroyed it?”

“Nooooo. It’s gone Miss Pop. I’m sorry. I can give you a pet wee crab if it makes you feel better”

“SHIT! My only chance of finding a man who understands me. To be truly loved and find happiness. Gone…” said Cherry Pop quite sad.

Cherry sat down on her silk bed close by sulkily. Jake put on a sympathetic smile and sat next to her.

“Look Miss Pop you’re a good looking girl and a sweet one at that. But you don’t need men to be constantly wanting to have sex with you. You see you’re just lonely and want a good relationship. I mean its nothing wrong with you its just most guys are bastards” said Jake.

“Wow I guess your right. Sorry for putting you through so much trouble to find the clitoris” said Cherry slightly cheered up.

“Well I couldn’t let a sweet girl like you down. I did it to make you happy. And that’s what’s important” said Jake smiling.

Cherry looked into Jakes eyes. She slowly edged her way towards him and kissed him. She put her hands on his face and began kissing him passionately. Jake took off his leather coat and plopped it on the floor. They kissed passionately and Cherry removed her towel showing her magnificent body. Jake blushed and pulled out the extra sock he had stashed down his trousers. He kissed her naked body and sexual electricity was in the air.

Cherry looked at Jake and said:

“Is this a bad time to tell you I have chlamydia?”

Jake got his coat.

The End

14-02-06, 17:47
The next story features a character who I ove to bits, Killzor the sex crazed binge drinking psychopathic Warbot.

An unlikely candidate to fill Santa Clauses boots wouldn't ya think?

It was christmas time and it was a time for heart warming christmas stories, you know the kind some shmuck is given the job of being santa and then develops a love for the chistmas spirit blah blah blah.

I decide to piss all over this concept and add my own twisted touch. He's cocked locked and ready to rock. It's the Warbot Santa and he's in A Twisted Christmas Story.

14-02-06, 17:49
In the heart of the wastelands lived Grandpa Spickle who raised droms on his radioactive ranch. He was an old man and the radiation was starting to get to him. He sat in his leather chair in his cosy living room. He coughed up a cancerous tumour and put in a jar, which he placed on a shelf with the rest of his collection of tumour jars. He was thankful that the radiation wasn’t peeling off his skin. Just giving him cancer and impotence, which was all he could ever hope for.

It was Christmas Eve and he was exceptionally happy because his two darling grandchildren, Jimmy and Katie, were spending the night on his ranch. They were tucked in bed. Or so he thought, but to his surprise Jimmy and Katie dressed in their pyjamas waltzed into the living room.

“Why are you two awake at this time of night? Its way passed your bedtime” said Grandpa Spickle.

“We can’t get to sleep Grandpa. Someone’s molesting one of your droms outside” replied Katie.

“Hhhmm how about I tell you a bed time story to take your minds of it?” said Grandpa Spickle.

“Yeah” said Katie and Jimmy in unison.

Grandpa Spickle racked his brain for a good story. Maybe he could tell them the story of the Vampire Bikini Girls. But then realised they were probably a bit too young for that. Then he remembered a very good Christmas Story. Grandpa Spickle lit his pipe whilst Jimmy and Katie made themselves comfortable on the floor next to the fireplace. Grandpa Spickle cleared his throat and began his story.

“Where to begin..ah yes….”

It was a Christmas Eve in the city of Neocron and everyone was busy getting ready for Christmas Day. It was an exceptionally snowy and cold Christmas Eve, which was good because it killed off the homeless people who were a drain on the economy. Well good from an evil business perspective. In the City Administration a board of marketing directors were thinking of a way to make this Christmas a good one and make sure Christmas cheer was spread. The head of the directors, Michael Lazlo, was just about to tell the board his grand scheme.

“Gentlemen of the board we at Admin have worked on a new idea to make this Christmas extra special and improve the image of Admin at the same time” said Michael.

One of the directors spoke up.

“This better be good. Because last year we just had some bum dressed as Santa. He wasn’t a very good Santa either. When I asked him what he had in his Christmas sack he took off his trousers and pulled out his..”

“Yes yes we all know our Santa last year was of bad quality. But the boys in research and development have created something special. We have made a Copbot Santa. It’s basically a copbot dressed as Santa that delivers presents to people but also tracks down criminals. Nothing could go wrong”

And with those fatal words a scientist rushed into the meeting room, panting with a look of fear on his face.

“Sir we have a problem! I accidentally put that new Santa program into that newly captured Warbot..and..and ITS ESCAPED!” yelled the scientist.

“Oh crap” said Michael.

Thus began the rampage of the killer Warbot Santa. With the devious mind of a Warbot but with the subconscious of Santa, it smashed through the city plaza and stole kegs of beer from the local pubs; it drank the kegs and threw them at nearby law enforcers. It then cruised its way to the Pepper Park red light district and spied himself a nice little brothel.

“MMM HOE HOE HOES” it said before busting into the brothel. Several satisfied prostitutes later he came out to fulfil his bloodlust. To the Warbot’s delight he noticed a band of muggers attacking a helpless victim. The Warbot pulled out two chain guns and approached them. The trio of muggers stopped what they were doing and looked up in shock. The victim ran away and the Warbot aimed his guns at the muggers.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS” the Warbot exclaimed and gunned them down. The bullets ripped them to shreds…

“Grandpa” interrupted Jimmy, “what’s a fucker?”

“Err a very bad person. Now where was I…oh yes”

City Admin did not know what to do. They issued a warning to the citizens of Neocron:



While Admin mobilised its forces the Warbot Santa was delivering presents to less fortunate children in the Outzone. Unfortunately the only “toys” the Warbot Santa had was weapons. But either way the children were delighted to receive hand grenades and depleted uranium shells. They could now play games like football, true they were using explosives but everyone in the Outzone could see their happiness. Well until one of the kids kicked a grenade into old Mrs Smith’s house and it went off.

The Warbot Santa stomped deeper into the Outzone. Unfortunately he wasn’t looking where he was going and trod on a small crummy shack, killing a person inside. The Warbot Santa heard the shriek of a little girl inside the remains of the shack.

“Oh no! You crushed my uncle,” the little girl cried.

The Warbot Santa looked at his foot and peeled off the squished uncle and discarded him. The little girl ran up to the Warbot Santa and kicked him. Suddenly his defence systems kicked in and using his built in laser eyes fried a teddy bear she had in her arms. The teddy turned to dust. The girl screamed. But deep in Warbot Santa’s cold programming his Santa sub conscience kicked in.


“Nina” she replied as she soiled her pyjamas.


“Well I’m poor. I’ve had to live with my uncle, ever since one the project directors of Tangent Technologies had my parents killed because they wouldn’t create weapons of mass destruction. So I lived with my uncle. I’m only seven and now I’ve got nowhere to go now,” Nina said glumly.


And with those words Warbot Santa put Nina on his shoulder, ignited his jet packs and rocketed into the night’s sky, leaving a toxic cloud of fumes that would give the residents of Outzone breathing problems in the years to come.

14-02-06, 17:52
The fireplace of Grandpa Spickle’s living room gave warmth to his grandchildren and himself. It was a nice peaceful atmosphere. That was until Grandpa Spickle coughed up a tumour, which he promptly put in a beanbag he was making out of tumours. The children started to gag.

“So what happened next Grandpa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well let’s see…Ah yes soon after the arrival of the bikini the Brazilian wax was back in fashion...and…oh WAIT! Wrong story…er…yes the Warbot Santa story…okay. So…”

In the tall foreboding Tangent Technologies building the employees were hard at work. They were quite sad because they weren’t getting a Christmas bonus this year. Meanwhile a project director by the name of Alex Creed was smoking a huge cigar and smiling happily about Tangents stock figures. He was content knowing that he had screwed lots of people over to become very successful. His contentment was soon halted by the Warbot Santa crashing through his office ceiling.
Alex trembled with fear at the sight of a huge Warbot dressed as Santa who had a small girl dressed in pyjamas perched on his shoulder. The Warbot Santa clenched his fists with pride.

“Listen you two I’m not afraid to call security….and they’ll be here...and…and they will shoot you” said Alex sweating


“What do you want?” winced Alex.


Alex quickly gave Nina his wallet that was loaded with money; he also gave her several shiny pieces of jewellery, even though she was seven years old she knew she could pawn them for a decent price. The Warbot Santa glared at Alex.


“But…my…my wife gave it to me” shrieked Alex.


Alex complied and handed over the ring to Nina who was now quite happy.

“Please…don’t hurt me! I’ve given you my stuff. Just leave please!” blubbered Alex.


“Please no!” cried Alex

“NINA CLOSE YOUR EYES” said Warbot Santa quite tenderly.

Nina closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. The Warbot Santa picked Alex up and ripped him in half. His blood splattered all over his desk and onto a plaque that read, “Bless this mess”. Then the Warbot Santa made balloon animals out of Alex’s intestine. He made a nice little poodle, which he then gave to Nina.

“Eeewww!” shrieked Nina.

With the gory deed done Warbot Santa engaged his jet packs and rocketed out of Tangent Technologies with Nina firmly on his shoulder. They soared high into the misty cold sky above the city of Neocron leaving a trail of toxic fumes, which was now descending, onto the Neocron School for the Blind. Nina figured this would be an ideal time to ask him quite a pertinent question.
“Santa why don’t you give children toys?”


“But what about giving them cute cuddly things?”


“NO! Like a teddy bear or a dolly. You know stuff suitable for kids”


“Look we have more than enough money to buy lots of toys for the children of Neocron. How about we stop off at the nearest toy store and buy some toys”


The Warbot Santa jetted his way to the nearest toy store. Once there the duo shopped for toys and put their purchases into a big sack. And once Nina persuaded the Warbot Santa to pay the shopkeeper rather than kill him they soon took flight and started to deliver toys to all the children of Neocron. Meanwhile in a shady Crahn abbey several members of the psi supremacy group the Clu Clux Crahn were holding a meeting.

In the dingy abbey the leader of the group, Father Dread Magorian was about to inform his congregation of the Warbot Santa. He stepped up to the podium, made sure his flies were done up and put his lips to the microphone.


“Ahem and sisters” corrected a female member.

“Fine…okay Brothers and Sisters!”

The female member sat down with a smile on her face.

“We are all aware of the Warbot Santa that is spreading Christmas cheer in Neocron. He is defying our beloved Crahn with a message that does not stand for psi supremacy but for a holiday season. Worst yet he has given weapons to none psi. We must stop him. I have contacted a few agents to help lure the Warbot to this abbey. We will then destroy him!” said Father Dread with a big evil grin, the kind that shows he hasn’t brushed his teeth in a long time.

The members cheered and prepared themselves…..HECkk hWArrff!!!

Grandpa Spickle stopped as he coughed up another tumour. The children went pale with disgust.

“Well that’s radiation for you kids. Anyway...er…hang on kids I got the runs”

And so Grandpa Spickle rushed out of his chair and to the bathroom. This made the kids wish they weren’t related to him, but he was a lot nicer than Uncle Pete who had a glass eye that constantly dropped into his drinking water.

14-02-06, 17:54
Grandpa Spickle’s drom ranch gave off an unhealthy yet comforting green glow. The radiation was rife and deadly but peaceful none the less. But that tranquillity was soon ruined by the sounds of Grandpa Spickle using his home colonic irrigation kit. The children shuddered at the noises. After Grandpa Spickle had removed most of his bowels he returned to the living room to regale a Christmas story to his now traumatised grandchildren.

“Now where was I?…..oh yes the Warbatty thing..” said Grandpa Spickle.

“You mean Warbot” corrected Katie.

“Oh yes now I remember…anyway”

Nina and Warbot Santa flew into the dreary night sky. The City Admin armed forces tried to take them out with heavy artillery. You know the kind that goes tucka tucka zeeeeoooo kapow!!!!

“Er Grandpa?”

“Woops sorry…erm…anywho…”

But despite this they still managed to visited peoples homes to deliver presents. It’s a well now fact that homes in Neocron don’t have chimneys. And so being a traditional Santa with all the chimney travelling and raiding of mince pies can’t be possible. And so you can’t be stealthy when delivering presents either. So a huge bulky Warbot coming into your home to deliver a present is as about as subtle as a turd on a white carpet.

And so Nina and the Warbot Santa broke into homes any way. This usually woke up the house owner, but they were usually very compliant to have a Warbot visit. Well you would be too if it was threatening to rip off your jaw and stick it in your eye socket.

While the menacing Clu Clux Crahn plotted the Warbot Santa’s demise, Nina and Warbot Santa were delivering presents to the Johnson family in their beautiful home. The Johnson family were now trembling at the site of a Warbot breaking into their home, drinking their whisky and rummaging under Mr. Johnson’s bed mattress for pornography. But Nina quickly made Warbot Santa attend to his duties. The Warbot Santa rummaged through his Christmas sack.

“ERR….FOR YOU LITTLE BOY I GOT YOU A HOVER BIKE” said Warbot Santa giving little Timmy Johnson a nice shiny new hover bike.

“What do you say son?” said Mr. Johnson in fear.

“I think I peed myself” said little Timmy.


The Warbot Santa looked at the Johnson family’s teenage daughter Sarah. He rummaged through his sack while Sarah was shaking with fright.


The Johnson family looked at the Warbot Santa in horror. Well everyone in the family except Sarah who was now lighting one up. And so with the Johnson family scared shitless, Warbot Santa put Nina on his shoulder and he blasted off into the polluted skies. Mr. Johnson broke down and cried, Mrs Johnson fainted, Timmy peed himself some more and Sarah went into a coughing fit. All in all another successful delivery.

As the Warbot Santa flew high above the buildings he spotted something below. It was a homeless bum nestled near some garbage in an alleyway. The Warbot Santa was a bit confused.

“WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY???” said Warbot Santa pointing to the bum.

“It looks like a homeless person. He looks so cold and hungry” replied Nina sympathetically.


“Can’t we help him Santa?”



The Warbot Santa’s subconscious kicked in and he complied. He landed near a Chez Cypher restaurant, which with no trouble at all he raided several lobster sandwiches from. He stomped his way over to the bum with Nina following behind him. The bum looked up at the Warbot Santa and clearly soiled his pants. The Warbot Santa shoved a sandwich in the bum’s mouth.

“EAT THIS” said the Warbot Santa with fire in his eyes.

“Er…thank you” muffled the bum.

“EAT THIS ONE TOO” said the Warbot Santa shoving another sandwich in the bum’s face. The bum chewed quickly and gulped with fear. His eyes widened with fright.


“Yes thank you…” said the bum shaking.


“But Ill die!”


“Hey where did that little girl go?” said the bum about to get pummelled.

The Warbot Santa stopped just as he was about to give the bum a nice uppercut. He looked around. Nina was gone. The Warbot Santa quickly grabbed the bum by his groin and lifted him up.


“I don’t know!” shrieked the bum.


But before the Warbot Santa could make do on his promise a dart was shot at the bum’s head from a person unknown. The bum slumped to the ground. The Warbot Santa pulled the dart from the bum’s head; there was a note attached. It read:

We the Clu Clux Crahn have your none psi friend. We will kill the little whelp. How do like them apples fuck face!

The Warbot Santa scrunched up the piece of paper and loaded the rocket launcher attached to his back.


“Grandpa?” interrupted Jimmy.

“Yes” replied Grandpa Spickle

“Isn’t that from a movie?”

“I’m pretty sure it isn’t”



“Your full of shit you know that”

14-02-06, 17:55
The mist of the night sky was expanding faster than a prostitute’s vagina…

“Eeeww Grandpa” said Jimmy

“Ahem…sorry…moving on…”

Warbot Santa was hot on the trail of the infamous Clu Clux Crahn, his built in naughty list had the directions of their base of operations. He stormed down the seedy streets crushing gangsters, the homeless and the ignorant in the process. Until eventually he came to the unholy Crahn Abbey. It seemed almost deserted inside.

The Warbot Santa edged his way deeper into the reception area of the abbey. He was surprised there was a reception area; in fact there was even a crèche. But he got the feeling he was not alone. And sure enough he was right because behind was a very arrogant psi monk.

“Where the fuck did you come from?” cried the psi monk.

“YA MOM’S HOUSE BITCH” said Warbot Santa.

“How dare you insult me! We were told to expect you. Now you will feel the wrath of a being far greater than yourself” said the psi monk harnessing his psi energy.

“OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SCAWNY FUCK WIT” said Warbot Santa. And with those words the Warbot Santa head butted the psi monk. When the psi monk got back on his feet after this fatal blow, the Warbot Santa stuck a grenade up the psi monk’s anus and promptly threw him at the monolithic gates that lead to the main chamber of the abbey. As to be expected with most grenades inserted anally the psi monk exploded on contact with the gates and destroyed them in the act.

The Warbot Santa triumphantly walked into the chamber. But it was not over yet because a psi priestess was now charging at him with a rather crappy knife. This presented no threat to the Warbot Santa and he merely bitch slapped her. The psi priestess was slightly dazed by this but quickly charged at him again. And so the Warbot Santa pinned her frail little body to the ground.

“Unhand me you mechanised ass hole!” screamed the psi priestess.

“YOU KNOW YOUR PRETTY HOT FOR A PSI CHICK” said the Warbot Santa smirking.

“Er...I am?” said the psi priestess blushing.


“Hee hee”

The psi priestess found her self strangely attracted to the Warbot Santa. The Warbot Santa held her tightly in his arms and tore off her clothes…
Grandpa Spickle stopped. The children looked at him in shock.

“And er…then she put her clothes back on because nudity is wrong so very very wrong…now erm…where was I?…oh yes!”

With the priestess subdued the Warbot Santa marched down to the alter of the abbey. And standing by the alter was Father Dread with Nina by his side tied up and with duct tape round her mouth.


“I’m sorry the rest of my congregation could not be here for your arrival but we decided to be fair on you seeing as you wouldn’t last long against us” said Father Dread pompously.


“Er..no….not at all” said Father Dread knowing quite well that was the case.


“Fine I admit it! My congregation are all fucking cowards! But I am willing to destroy you. But of course I’m a spineless asshole and am just going to detonate the explosives I’ve planted in the abbey. Har har!”

The Warbot Santa looked around the abbey. And sure enough Father Dread had planted explosives on the pillars in the abbey. The Warbot Santa shrugged.


“You are a fool, I lured you here and now that I have you here I can annihilate you and be a saviour of Neocron”

The Warbot Santa clenched his fists with rage. But that wasn’t really going to help because Father Dread soon grabbed Nina, triggered the detonator and jumped out of a nearby window whilst looking like a complete retard in the process. Nina was unscathed by the shards of glass mostly because Father Dread had gotten most of it. As Father Dread and Nina landed on the ground below from their spectacular yet not so graceful jump out the window, the abbey exploded with ferocity.

“The End”

“What!?” exclaimed Katie and Jimmy.

“Let it be lesson to you kids that life is a bitch” said Grandpa Spickle gleaming.

“Is that how it really ends?” asked Katie.
“No I just wanted to say life’s a bitch”

The fires of the Crahn Abbey were high and mighty. It was a blazing inferno of rumble and ash. The heat was tremendous but also rewarding for the nearby mutants. They could now have a happy Christmas. They cooked the flesh of humans; told stories and played games like seeing how many rodents they could stick down their trousers. Near the abbey was Father Dread and the helpless Nina. Father Dread laughed at his handy work and danced around shouting “I got him I got him!”. He decided to finish his dance with a pelvic thrust, which just showed how much of an arrogant prick he was.

He walked up to Nina, peeled off the duct tape round her mouth and slowly throttled her.

“Yes I want to hear your last breath you insignificant none psi cretin. Feel the grip of death. Does it feel good knowing your going to die!” said Father Dread with an evil grimace.


Father Dread stopped and looked in awe at the Warbot Santa coming out of the raging inferno that was the Crahn Abbey. The Warbot Santa was pumped up and wielding a piece of metal scaffolding he had gathered from the remains of the abbey. His robotic eyes were now gleaming red. Father Dread’s pants were now gleaming yellow.

“What! You’re alive! What the fuck!” exclaimed Father Dread.


Father Dread pushed Nina aside and gathered his psi energy. He levitated in mid air due to the sheer power of his psionic powers.

“Any last words fuckbot?”


With those final words the Warbot Santa charged at Father Dread and swiftly decapitated him with the scaffolding. His head hurtled high into the air and deep into Neocron. It soared high and was heading straight to president Reza’s manor house. President Reza was lying in bed debating with his wife that they should have sex. This debate was soon interrupted as the head smashed through a window and into their bedroom.

“When I asked you to give me head I didn’t mean this!” exclaimed Reza.

“Grandpa that’s a terrible joke” interrupted Jimmy.

“I could of done a lot worse boy…now back to the story…”

With Nina safe the Warbot Santa put her on his shoulder. Nina cuddled his head. The Warbot Santa frowned.

“Oh Santa you saved me!” said Nina.


“Grandpa!” shouted Jimmy interrupting.

“Fine fine…no more bad jokes…so anyway…”

The night was not over yet and the both of them knew this. They rocketed house-to-house delivering Christmas cheer, sorry I meant Christmas Fear. But at least the people of Neocron were getting presents as well as verbal abuse. After a long and laborious night they came to the last house, the Atriel family. The Atriel family weren’t technically a family more of a couple. They were a sad couple too knowing that they couldn’t conceive children, also lots of bad stuff had happened to them this Christmas. They sat in their big, yet empty home. They were huddled on their couch looking glum; they thought things couldn’t get worse. They changed their minds when the Warbot Santa came crashing through the front door.

“HO HO HO BITCHES!” Warbot Santa yelled. He soon dropped the Christmas cheer act when he saw the couple mopping.


“Well yes actually my father” said Mrs. Atriel.


Nina frowned and rummaged through the Christmas sack that was now wearing thin.

“GOT ANY PORN?” asked Warbot Santa

The couple didn’t reply.


“We just found out we can’t conceive children” cried out Mr. Atriel in frustration.


“Yes you insensitive….” Mr. Atriel stopped just in case he said something he would regret.

Nina withdrew a collection of fine cigars from the sack.

“Er… merry Christmas?” said Nina handing out the cigars.


Nina felt quite sad for the family. And she considered her own situation as an orphan.

“Santa?” said Nina.


“Well seeing as I’m an orphan and they don’t have a child maybe I could live with them.”

Mr and Mrs Atriel quickly perked up.


Mr and Mrs Atriel gasped with joy and Nina quickly ran up to her new parents and gave them a big hug.


After the heart-warming moment died down, Nina relinquished her grip of her new parents.

“Where will you go now Santa?” asked Nina.


And so the Warbot Santa ignited his jet pack, the Atriel family waved him good bye as he jetted into the night.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!” he shouted as he rocketed to a near by brothel.

“The End” said Grandpa Spickle.

Jimmy and Katie were now quite happy after that nice yet disturbing story. But it still left a few questions.

“So what happened to Warbot Santa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well Jimmy every Christmas his Santa programming kicks in and he delivers presents to the people of Neocron as well as fine ass bitches if you so desire”.

“What happened to Nina?” asked Katie.

“Oh she grew up into an attractive intelligent young lady. And like most attractive intelligent young ladies she became a prostitute” said Grandpa Spickle slightly deranged.

“And what happened to that dip shit who programmed the wrong Santa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well you see Jimmy...I was that dip shit”

Grandpa Spickle laughed. Then the children laughed. Then Grandpa Spickle coughed up a tumour. After the pleasantries Grandpa Spickle tucked his grand children in bed. As he was doing so they could see a faint glimmer through the bedroom window. The glimmer was now getting closer to the ranch. It rocketed over the ranch and bellowed:


The End

14-02-06, 17:59
Killzor is a great character in a wierd way. In fact the way I percieve Neocron in general is wierd. Crahn are shady evil denisens, the police force are sexually active and unstable, robots have attitude and no person is sane.

This is shown in my next story which I present to you. It's called War and Prostitutes.

14-02-06, 18:01
The winds howled as they drifted across the wastelands. Dust clouds brushed against the Military Base with ease. The environment wasn’t too horrible but not too luxurious either. The security guards of the Military Base stood in position to receive commands. In the distance the sounds of mutants could be heard screeching, probably because a female mutant was stripping for the mutants and by stripping I mean peeling off her skin and getting cash put in her radiated bikini.

At the entrance of the base corporal Cento was impatiently waiting for the new training commander to make his appearance. He tapped his feet and sighed. Then he could feel a presence behind him. A dark silhouette loomed over him and Cento slowly turned round. And standing in front of him was a huge warbot
armed with a rocket launcher and had a fine cigar dangling from his mouth.


Cento dropped his jaw in shock. He straightened his uniform and tried to think straight.

“City Mercs must be kiddin’ me. A warbot with a cigar is going to train new recruits. This is some sort of twisted joke. I bet you haven’t received the proper training!” said Cento rather perturbed.


A moment of silence took hold of them. A small tumbleweed drifted passed and Cento gazed up at Killzor.

“Er…well anyway the new recruits will be here. So your duty is to take them to sector 3 cargo hold and brief them on their situation and train them. Understood?” said Cento.


“Well a recruit wagered that the last training commander wasn’t a hard man and that he wouldn’t last five minutes if he ate uranium. So to prove the recruit wrong he swallowed half a barrel of uranium to show how manly he was. Next thing we now he’s shitting blood out of his anus, spewing sinal fluid and to top it off his head exploded. And worst yet I was the one who had to clean up the whole fucking mess”


“No sucks to be you. The new recruits are here” said Cento grinning and heading indoors.

A large troop carrier drove its way up to the entrance and parked outside. Killzor readied himself and thought of a way to not offend the new recruits and refrain from using the word “bitches”.
“I HOPE THESE RECRUITS ARE HARDENED KILLERS READY FOR ACTION” said Killzor talking to himself and grinning.

Then a scruffy looking recruit flung himself out carrier and said in a puny voice:

“I was sick on the drive here”


Later that day the new recruits had been sorted into teams and given to appropriate instructors. Killzor was given a team of six new recruits, which had been given the name “Sheizer Company”. Killzor thought the word “Sheizer” was German for shit, but the other training commanders told him it wasn’t and laughed at him behind his back. And so they should because the team wasn’t the best Neocron had to offer. Sheizer Company was awaiting inspection in the cargo hold in sector 3 of the Military Base.

The six recruits were lined up and ready for inspection. Killzor lit a cigar put it to his mouth, put on his leather black cow boy hat and strolled down to the cargo hold. With his clipboard and abuse ready for the recruits he eyed the first recruit up.

The first recruit was an rather elderly lady who was wearing a PVC outfit and fishnet stockings. She had a wrinkled face and smeared makeup and a rather weedy cigarette dangling from her dry lips. Killzor shuddered. He looked at his clipboard with the lists of new recruits and previous occupations.


“Just coz I got myself a few sexual diseases and wrinkly skin doesn’t mean I can’t fix someone up with a first aid kit. My second husband taught me how to do brain surgery in the dark. Probably coz he was a brain surgeon and we would usually make woopie in his surgery in the dark. And as for prostitution…well it pays the bills and I have had plenty of clients” said Darla sourly and coughing on her cigarette.



“Er…Jake Hard ..erm…oh..yeah SIR!” said Jake trying desperately to make a good impression.

“WHAT THE FUCK BOY! ARE THOSE MILITARY ISSUE SOCKS STUCK DOWN YOUR PANTS?!” said Killzor looking down at Jake’s trousers.

“Sir yes Sir!” said Jake blushing afterwards.


Killzor waltzed up to the next recruit who was a jittery young lady with blue hair and a twitch in her eye.


“Oh my name is FUCKING TITTY SHIT COCK ASS! Kira Zim” said Kira twitching.

Killzor’s eyes widened. He looked at his clipboard.


“Well sir I like making huge FUCKING TWAT BANG!”



Killzor stood back a little shocked. He walked up to the next recruit who had slicked back black hair an evil grin and a rather nasty looking Liberator attached to his belt.

“WHATS YOUR NAME KID?” asked Killzor.

“The names Revan sir and I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum” said Revan smiling.


The fifth recruit was a young attractive woman with a rifle slung on her back. She had long tied back flowing hair and blue eyes as well as ample breasts. Her name was Infinity Daze.


“Sir that was my last job, sir!” said Infinity.


“Sir when I’m on the battlefield I dodge bullets like I dodge perverts trying to grab my ass”

Killzor looked at the last recruit. Even though Killzor was a robot he started to gag. The last recruit was something of a strange one. He or it or what ever went by the name of Tentacle and was for a choice of better words a one eyed green blob with tentacles. Tentacle had a very bad existence which stems back to a rich and influential porn company. This porn company wanted a tentacle monster for their next upcoming film so they paid Biotech handsomely to genetically engineer one. Sadly the porn company went bankrupt and Tentacle was left without a job. Until now at least.

“WHO THE FUCK SNEEZED YOU OUT!” said Killzor staring at tentacle.

“Tentacle reporting for duty sir as this teams communication expert. I may be a green blob sir but from my days of porno I can incapacitated orifices, handy for the battle field I think” said Tentacle oozing slime on the steel cargo hold floor.


“Hey fuck you bitch!” cried out Tentacle.

Killzor turned to face the recruits. He pouted out his chest.


The recruits filed them self in an orderly line and headed to their barracks. On the way the new recruits indulged in pleasant conversation. But Jake on the other hand was transfixed on Infinity. He adored her shapely body so much so he tripped over his own feet while walking with the other recruits. Kira tried to have a conversation with Jake.

“I hope Ill be making some huge FUCKING TWAT BANG! So erm…my names Kira what’s your name FUCK FACE! And why are you looking at Infinity’s COCK BADGER PISS body?” said Kira noticing Jake’s gaze was elsewhere.

“Well Kira how can I put this in words you’ll understand…erm…lets just say she's one twat I want to bang” said Jake grinning.

“You’re going to explode her?”

14-02-06, 18:02
A dark pulsating mist drifted over the Crahn Sector in the Dome of York. An eerie presence could be felt by all the Psi monks and unease washed over them. Darkness loomed over the Crahn Church, which was crammed with dark denizens. The interior was dimly lit and several hundred psi monks awaited a grand speech from a dark overlord. This overlord was tall and gleamed with a dark resonance coming from his body. The psi monks were eager to hear from this person. For this person was Crahn.

Crahn stared at his congregation with pride. He wanted to encourage his minions. He began to speak.

“My children your father Crahn all mighty has returned. A dark time is upon us and we must cleanse this land of all…”


Crahn paused and the horde of psi monks quickly turned and looked at a lone monk who was smirking and going red.

“Excuse me” he sad smiling.

Crahn took a deep breath.

“Oh thankyou thankyou you filthy little shit! I was building up a nice sinister atmosphere and you had to ruin it by farting you little fuckwit!” said Crahn annoyed.

The monk shrugged and the other psi monks turned to face Crahn. Crahn continued with his speech.

“There is much impurity and I am sickened by those who condemn us and have lack of psionic powers. We are the next evolutionary step and we must rise up and…”


The psi monks looked at the flatulent monk again with fierce looks in their eyes. Crahn stopped and sighed.

“Whoops! Guess I’m still working that rat burger. Man I’m gonna have a sticky night” said the monk rubbing his belly.

“RIGHT! THAT DOES IT!” shouted Crahn.

Crahn lifted his hands and aimed them at the monk. He fired a bolt of lightning at the monk which instantly barbequed him. The other monks quickly shrieked and ran away.

In the lower levels of the Military Base the whole of Sheizer Company were all seated round an immaculate desk in a briefing room. The only lighting was coming from a projection unit spraying light onto a rather grubby black board. Killzor fiddled with his clipboard, clicked his pen and called out the recruit register.

“DARLA” called out Killzor.

“Present hun” said Darla putting her cigarette into an ashtray and winking at Jake.




“Here sir” said Jake wincing at the sight of Darla blowing a kiss at him.

“INFINITY YOU HOT ASS BITCH” said Killzor grinning.

“Present” said Infinity loading a magazine into her sniper rifle.


“Yo” said Revan coolly.


“Here sir” said Tentacle flailing his tentacles and oozing slime on the projection unit.


Killzor clicked his projector remote control and a map of an outpost came into view on the black board. Killzor whipped out his pointing stick which he rather like. One reason being it made him feel professional and another reason was that he could hit people with it. Killzor smacked the pointer at the black board and smiled. As he did this a large bunny silhouette rose up onto the board. Killzor looked at Revan who was the creator of this bunny who was also giggling.


Revan sat down. Killzor put his arms behind his back and paced back and forth trying to be methodical. He then whipped the board with the pointer again.


“Hey! Fuck you bitch!” squawked Tentacle.


“FUCKING SHITTY CRAHN FUCKS! I hate ‘em I hate ‘em I hate ‘em. I got a big FUCKING TWAT BANG waiting for ‘em!” yelled Kira jumping out of her seat and foaming at the mouth.

“Hey just chill will you” said Revan calmly.

Kira sat back down in her leather chair and twitched for a moment.

“I forgot to take my medication” said Kira dazed.


Kira’s eyes widened and she repeatedly smacked her head of the table swearing each time. Then she twitched and ran out the briefing room screaming “TWAT BANG TWAT BANG I’M GONNA MAKE TWAT BANGS!”. Revan and Infinity got out their chairs and followed Killzor to the barracks. Tentacle slumped out of his chair and landed on the floor with a satisfying splat. Darla looked at Revan. They were now alone. Little beads of sweat trickled down Jake’s head. Darla moved herself close to him and rubbed her hand down his arm. Jake wet himself.

“So cutie what ya doing later” said Darla in her creaky gritty voice. The smell of tobacco poured from her mouth.

“Staying away from you!” shrieked Jake.

Jake starting to get out of his chair.

“Oh come on hun I don’t bit, hard anyway. Hee hee” said Darla removing Jake’s belt and unzipping his trousers. Jake went pale with fright.

He quickly leapt out of his seat. His trousers fell down, wrapped round his ankles and he fell on the floor.

14-02-06, 18:03
The sun dazzled the scorched earth of the wastelands located near the outskirts of the Military Base. The land was harsh and deadly like the radiation in some regions. There were only faint signs of life and mutants were thriving in the area by eating the odd shrubbery and milky ren chocolate bar. One mutant strayed from the pack of his fellow mutants near a military bunker in search of food. He wondered round a dusty dirt track. The mutant heard something and then he was decapitated. The last thing he heard was “TANGENT! WOOOOOHHHH!”

Biddle and Semoe were two Tangent Technologies employees and were fanatical about their company. As well as complete idiots. They looked at their handy work and smiled.

“Yo dude” said Biddle

“What dude?” said Semoe.

“TANGENT WOOOOOOOHHH!!!” cried out Biddle.

“Yo dude” said Semoe.

“What dude?” said Biddle.


“Yo dude” said Biddle.

“What dude” said Semoe.


A bullet ripped through Biddle’s skull before he could, (thankfully), finish his sentence. Semoe looked at his now dead friend.

“Hee hee yo dude?” said Semoe.

Another bullet was fired but this time it was fired at Semoe’s crotch castrating him and killing him. He slumped down dead on the ground. The trajectory of the bullet could be traced a mile away, where Infinity Daze was perched on a hill holding her sniper rifle. She smiled and enjoyed her handy work.

“WOAH NICE SHOOTING THOSE TANGENT DIP SHITS DIDN’T SEE IT COMING. YOU GOT TALENT SWEET TITS” said Killzor creeping up behind Infinity and grabbing her behind firmly with his cold metal hand.

Infinity spun round and shoved her sniper rifle in his mouth. Killzor stopped groping and backed away.

“Don’t touch the ass” said Infinity still aiming her gun at Killzor.

East of where Killzor and Infinity were a huge explosive mushroom cloud could be seen and several mutants descending into the air by the blast. Close by was a rather happy and elated Kira brandishing a rocket launcher. With her was Jake Hard currently kicking mech turtles and giggling and also Darla currently smoking and picking the odd scab off her leg.

“Did you see that I made a huge TWAT BANG! Those mutant FUCK BUTT SCROTUM SUCKERS! Didn’t see it coming” said Kira slightly manically and excited.

“Alright hun I wanna have some fun gimme a grenade or something.” Said Darla treading on her cigarrete.

“Awww TITTY BISCUITS” said Kira reluctantly giving Darla a hand grenade.

Darla looked at Jake and winked.

“Heres something my fourth husband taught me” said Darla.

Darla pulled the pin out the grenade and threw it at a mutant near the remains of a bunker. The grenade ricocheted off its head knocking it out and causing the grenade to fly into the air and land on a nearby tourist group. It detonated causing tourists to be flung all over the place.

“Woah I’m so glad that was a stun grenade. What the hell did your fourth husband do for a living?” asked Jake staring at the concussed tourist party.

“Well hun he used to be a juggler. He used to do kids party as stuff. One day he was doin’ some charity work and some bastard replaced his juggling balls with grenades. Put it this way hun I’ve never seen so many orphans scatter like they did. It was fucking hilarious” said Darla grinning and walking towards the downed tourist group in the hope of stealing their valuables.

West of the mayhem Tentacle and Revan were prone and ready to attack a nearby bunker filled with mutants. Revan loaded an ammo clip into his Liberator sub-machine gun.

“Revan I think if you take out the mutants guarding the entrance of the bunker I can slip in and take out the rest. Whadda ya say?” said Tentacle oozing goo in the process.

Revan nodded in agreement. He rolled across the floor and aimed at the mutants. And with out even blinking he fired a stream of bullets at the mutants ripping through flesh and bone and ultimately killing them. He signalled to Tentacle. Tentacle quickly slithered to the bunker very eagerly.

There was a moment of silence. Revan gazed at the bunker. Then he could hear the slapping sounds of tentacles and mutants screaming. Tentacle emerged with a big smile on his grotesque face. He squelched his way to Revan. Several mutants left the bunker with a look of shock on their faces and were walking rather stiffly and jaggedly.

“What the fuck did you do to them?” asked Revan very puzzled.

“Trust me you don’t wanna know” grinned Tentacle.

Later that day the recruits regrouped with Killzor outside the Military Base. A troop carrier was being repaired and fitted with ammo. Killzor gazed at his pathetic platoon.


“Woah Sheizer, isn’t that German for shit?” said Revan raising an eyebrow.


“No sir. I thought it was” said Revan slightly apologetic.


Infinity gave Killzor the finger.


Darla looked at Jake forlorn. She quickly thought of something.
As everyone was gathering their gear she approached Jake. Jake looked at her quite afraid. She seemed to be grinning at him with one of her eyes closed. She grabbed Jakes hand and placed a gleaming orb in his hand. Jake stared at it. It stared back.

“Hun if we get separated I don’t know what I’d do with out you. So here’s my glass eye so you’ll know I’ll always have my eye on you”

14-02-06, 18:04
Blood trickled down the streets of the Neocron Plaza. Smoke clogged the air and screams could be heard in the distance. Fires raged on in the plaza and the psi monks swarmed at any opposition. City Admin barricaded its offices and informed the public that war had been declared on the Crahn sect. In the span of three hours Crahn and his disciples attacked the Neocron plaza and it was now in their control. Crahn wielded the mightiest of powers and with his influence over the psi monk he quickly conquered most of Neocron. Little pockets of resistance flared up coming from factions in the city and small rebel groups. It was only a matter of time till Crahn had complete dominion over all of Neocron.

Meanwhile in a remote outpost in the wasteland Sheizer Company was hitting the outpost and hitting it hard. Crahn had disciples guarding the outpost but were soon over run by bullets and the odd bit of flaming toilet paper. After some intensive fire fights the last remaining two psi monks were preparing to make a final stand. They had locked themselves in the outpost control room.

“Holy crap who the fuck are those freaks!? One of them attack me with a knife and carved the words twat bang in my chest!” said a psi monk clutching his chest in pain.

“You think that’s bad some old skank flashed her tits at me! I think I’ve gone blind! When Crahn said expect impure infidels he weren’t kiddin’” said another psi monk.

The door of the control room blew open as Revan burst in guns blazing.

“Yeeha! Fuckos!” Revan yelled as he fired wildly at the psi monks.

When the psi monks had been gun down Kira stepped in to the room with an excited look on her face and a big bomb strapped to her head.

“Er ok Kira do your thing” said Revan smiling.

“Hee hee I’m gonna TWAT BANG the whole FUCKING CLIT PISS TIT ARSE! place” said Kira jumping up and down.

“Might help if you took the bomb off your head” said Revan with a sweet smile.

Kira smiled and took off the bomb, which she then placed on the floor and set the timer. Kira and Revan ran to the troop carrier whilst signalling to everyone else to do like wise. Infinity revved up the troop carrier and accelerated into the horizon as a huge explosion ripped through the outpost scattering debris everywhere and lighting up the whole area. This was indeed a proud day for Sheizer Company. But for the rest of Neocron it wasn’t.

When Sheizer company arrived at the Military Base they could see fellow mercenaries gearing up and rushing off to go fight the forces of Crahn. Sirens bellowed through out the Military Base complex. It was only when Sheizer Company got to the cargo hold to rendezvous with Killzor did they find out the true scale of this war.

Killzor debriefed them at the cargo hold.

“Don’t you mean tip” said Jake.


“Does that mean we are going to go to Neocron and have a proper battle and not go against psi monks who are as about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking competition?” asked Revan.

“HIGH COMMAND HAS ISSUED YOUR NEW MISSION WHICH I HAVE RIGHT HERE” said Killzor waving the documents related to the mission.

Infinity quickly snatched them off Killzor and read them aloud.

“Sheizer Company has shown great military might by destroying one of Crahn’s outpost used to manufacture psi related products. It is with this in mind that we have assigned you a task best suited to your skills. Instead of fighting in Neocron you will remain at the Military Base and guard our most valuable asset: the coffee vending machine. The Mercs will need piping hot coffee and a good intake of caffeine if they are going to put up a fight”.

“What a load of shit! They are having us guard a fucking coffee vending machine!” yelled Revan.

The rest of the squad murmured with agreement. Killzor dipped his head in shame.


“We have our uses and we are not going to get very far by guarding a coffee vending machine that produces shit coffee. We should at least be trying to kick ass or at least be used as a human shield. We can use guns and stuff so why can’t we go kick ass!” argued Infinity.


The squad cheered in agreement.

“Where we gonna get a vehicle?” queried Tentacle.

“Perhaps I could help” said a figure emerging from the shadows of the cargo hold.

“Brammers!” yelped Revan with a tinge of happiness in his voice.

It was indeed Brammers dressed in a red silk smoking jacket. He had a pipe in his mouth, bunny slippers and a very large penis that could be used as a third leg stashed down his boxers.

“Revan my dear boy its good to see you! Just popping by the Military Base to buy some military gear to help me role play “naught soldiers” with my fiancé” said Brammers drawing his pipe from his mouth.

“Brammers you’ve got a wide selection of vehicles at prices that cant be beat*. Will you supply us with a troop carrier so we can get to Neocron and fight Crahn?” said Revan.

*shameless promotional add, Phoenix Ltd wooooh

“Certainly my dear boy. You and your team mates come with me to the Military Base entrance and I’ll see what I can do” said Brammers smiling.

Sheizer Company cheered. Revan upholstered his Liberator, Infinity attacked a laser sight to her sniper rifle, Killzor loaded his Cursed Soul plasma cannon and Kira twitched. They all scurried off to the entrance.

Brammers found himself starring at Kira Zim and was quiet interested in her. As they were running he decided to make conversation with the disturbed Kira.

“So what is your name my dear?” said Brammers running and panting.

“Oh my name is SHITTING FUCK CUNT HOLE! Kira” she said.


14-02-06, 18:04
After a long arduous journey across the radioactive wastelands, Sheizer Company had reached the gates of Neocron. Infinity, Brammers, Revan and Killzor decided to use the subway to get to the Pepper Park red light district. Jake, Tentacle, Darla and Kira were ordered to eliminate any Crahn forces in the industrial sector. When the part of the squad reached Pepper Park and after much searching for survivors in the now deserted yet slightly demolished area Brammers saw a building alight, a building of much importance to him. He dropped to his knees and cursed into the air.

“Those maniacs! It was mine! Curse you Crahn! Curse you to hell!” Brammers yelled raising his fists in the air.

“What is it Brammers?” asked Revan noticing him kneeling near some fiery remnants of a building. Brammers got to his feet and brushed dirt from his smoking jacket.

“Boy that was my massage parlour. And those bastards destroyed it. I was going to make a fortune those working girls I had knew their stuff they could massage anything”

“Anything even…”

“Yes even that. But now it’s gone. I guess I should have told you I was in the massage parlour and pimping business” said Brammers quite reflective.

“Wow guess that explains why you wear a smoking jacket and have all the ladies round you” said Revan


“Dammit man if we don’t take out Crahn he’ll not only take away Pepper Park but he’ll take away all that is pure and good” said Brammers.

“Since when has prostitution been good?” interrupted Infinity.

The rest of the men murmured and look at the floor trying to avoid Infinity’s gaze.

“I’ll get some of my friends to help bring reinforcements to the City Mercs. I better get moving there’s too much bad bad yet sexual heart ache here” said Brammers.

“Ok Brammers good luck with getting in touch with your friends we need all the help we can get” said Revan.

“Take care Revan and you too Infinity” said Brammers patting Infinity on her bottom.

Infinity’s eyes widened and she clenched her fists in anger. Brammers happily started to make his way to the subway.

“Oh no OH NO! He did not just touch my ass! He did not just touch my ASS!” screamed Infinity.
Brammers stopped in his tracks. He stood motionless. He slowly turned around. He was met by the butt of Infinity’s sniper rifle in his face. It knocked him out.


“Fuck he was going to bring reinforcements. Guess things are going to be a lot harder now” said Revan quite glum.

A sharp crackle emitted from Killzor’s walkie-talkie that was attached to his chest, Killzor tuned it a bit. It was a transmission from Darla.

“Hi there hun…..*crackle* we better meet up in plaza….City Admin and Mercs are having one hell of a fight against Crahn….we’ll meet you there…” said Darla speaking from the walkie-talkie.


“No trouble at all….lets just say…Tentacle filled in the gaps in there attack…hee hee…be careful when travelling Crahn has got some gene tank soldiers with flamers spreading chaos through out the city….over” said Darla.

Meanwhile high above the streets Crahn observed his forces from the newly captured City Administration offices. Under his dark black cloak he grinned at the thought that he would soon have complete and absolute power. It was only a matter of time till Crahn had crushed the final rebelling forces and soon he would be supreme dictator and god of all he surveyed.

As he watched a high priest psi monk by the name of Gragoryan Electra walked up to Crahn ready to inform him of some startling news. He cleared his throat and Crahn slowly turned and looked at Gragoryan.

“Father Crahn our brothers and sisters are fighting effortlessly in your name. But we are facing resistance by some infidels” said Gragoryan calmly.

“Then destroy them” said Crahn in his deep gravely voice.

“Father they are unusual. They are reported to be mercenaries of some kind and have killed our brethren in the industrial sector. And some of them are putting up a fierce fire fight near the plaza” said Gragoryan as beads of sweat trickled down his head. He gulped.

“Why should these impure unenlightened misanthropes be of any concern to me” said Crahn his eyes glaring.

“They are different father. Some of them are human or barely human anyway. One of these mercenaries is a vile creature with tentacles who has………defiled the purity of our monks. Another is a woman with blue hair and explosives who speaks the language of demons. There is a warbot with an affinity to pimping. And a man who sticks not one sock down his trousers but two” said Gragoryan nervously.

“Destroy them all!” said Crahn fiercely.

On the outskirts of plaza Revan was removing a psi monk from the end of his double-edged sword. He, Killzor and Infinity had taken on a small contingent of psi monks who were present in the area. Revan was breathing heavily it had been a very intense battle. Revan, Killzor and Infinity huddled together and reloaded their weapons. Which was good because a hulking big gene tank with a devourer flamer had crept up behind them. He had them completely off guard.

“Drop your weapons fuckers!” yelled the gene tank pointing his flamer at the trio.

They obliged and dropped their weapons. The gene tank grinned showing his pointy horrible teeth and releasing his halitosis. The trio gagged. Then they could here a whirring sound, which happened to be a huge hammer being hurtled at the gene tanks head. It hit the back of his head and cracked his skull open like a ripe coconut. A tall metallic copbot approached the body of the gene tank and wrenched the hammer from his head. The copbot looked at them, the trio gazed at a scruffy nametag pinned to his chest, it read: Nidhogg.

“Woah thanks Nidhogg” said Revan quite pleased by Nidhogg’s handy worked.

“ANYTIME CITIZEN” said Nidhogg in his deep metallic voice.

“Excuse me but wouldn’t it easier to like use a gun instead of a hammer. I mean why not use that gene tank’s flamer now seeing as you have access to a gun” said Infinity.



“Well if he’s fucked up he’ll be the perfect candidate to join our team and help us fight Crahn. Whadda ya say Nidhogg?” said Revan.



Nidhogg looked at Infinity and Revan then waltzed up to Killzor and pressed his hammer against Killzor’s chest. Killzor flinched slightly.


14-02-06, 18:05
Thick black smoke and the smell of burning corpses drifted around the plaza. Its majesty now in the form of a horrific war zone. The sounds of gunfire and screams could be heard echoing throughout the streets. A small contingent of City Mercs were attacking the front of the City Admin offices. A group of psi monks were blocking the Mercs entry and the Mercs were running low on ammo. In desperation the Mercs decided to throw new cadets at them like human ammo.

One such cadet was Jake Hard who was now quivering behind a nearby crate cut off from his squad. Cento picked him up amidst the chaos that was all around them.

“Come on cadet are you willing to sacrifice your life for the good of Neocron?” said Cento holding Jake in the air ready to throw him.

“Hell no!” replied Jake.

“Do you love the City Mercs?”

“pffft no”

“Come on we need you. You’ll be doing a great service to your fellow Mercs” pleaded Cento.

Jake raised his eyebrows.

“Look I don’t want to die a virgin” argued Jake.

“Hey you have a chance of surviving. And trust me the ladies love scars”


“Fuck yeah. If you get a scar, even a little one, the ladies will be all over you. Hey I have an ingrown toe nail and even that’s enough to be a real turn on for the ladies”


And so Jake was thrown at a psi monk with great force. He flew magnificently in the air. That was until a psi monk blew him up with a psionic blast. He exploded like some sort of bloody firework. Cento whistled as he saw this. Then at that moment a huge screaming rocket hurtled itself at the entrance of the office. Blowing the metallic doors clean off their hinges and killing the psi monks. The rest of the Mercs quickly stopped shooting, throwing and wetting themselves. They leered at Killzor who was holding a rocket launcher now with smoke pouring out the end. By his side were Revan, Infinity, Kira, Darla and the ever so powerful Nidhogg.

“WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE SHIT BAG!” shouted Killzor at Cento.

“Commander Thorn but he was saying something in code. Was something like “Getting six pack and sleeping this war off”, think that means he’s gone to get reinforcements” said Cento shrugging.


“Look we could use all the help we can get. How many troops you go spare?” said Cento.

“ER…..SIX INCLUDING MYSELF” said Killzor counting on his fingers.

Suddenly an all mighty shriek could be heard from a psi monk close by.

“AHHHH MY ASS!” it squealed.


And sure enough Tentacle sloshed his way towards the squad grinning and flailing his tentacles sinisterly.

After a debriefing on the situation by Cento and after Darla was done mopping over the exploded penis of Jake and every other part him, Sheizer company were now on a mission. The Mercs would try and hold off any on coming reinforcements that would try and take over the sector. Meanwhile Sheizer Company would annihilate any Crahn forces inside the City Admin offices and subsequently Crahn himself. With Crahn dead and his reign of terror over, Neocron would quickly rebuild, Sheizer Company would be war heroes and tea and scones and lots of sex would ensue. In theory anyway.

Unfortunately the squad were outnumbered and the lower levels of the offices were as about stable as a one legged drom on its wedding night. Intensive firefights took place in the lower levels, Darla was cut down by psionic fire and Nidhogg clambered over a mass of psi monks he had hammered. Anarchy was rife. Plasma fire and bullets flying all over the place.

“Fuck there’s too many of these psi fucks!” cried Revan firing at a group of psi monks.

“KEEP FIRING WE’LL TAKE THE GRAVITY ELEVATOR UP TO THE TOP FLOOR!” shouted Nidhogg whilst smashing a psi monk’s skull.

The team quickly huddled together and ran towards the gravity lifts. Nidhogg, Tentacle and Killzor were lifted to the top floor first seeing as they had more mass. Of course Nidhogg and Killzor resented the fact that Tentacle was a little too close for comfort. Revan, Infinity and Kira were next. But just as Kira was about to step into the lift a psionic blast hit her in the back. She screamed in pain and fell to the floor. Infinity quickly shot the psi monk in the head.

“FUCKING Crahn FUCK TARDS!” cried out Kira spluttering blood.

“You’re going to be ok” said Revan holding Kira’s hand.
“No I’m fucked *cough* ….all I want is one last FUCKING TWAT BANG!”

“Oh ok” said Revan grinning and taking off his trouser belt.

“She means an explosion idiot” said Infinity sternly.

“I knew that” said Revan putting his belt back on and blushing.

The trio could hear a large army of psi monks converging on their position. Kira pulled out a small yet very powerful nuclear hand grenade from her pocket. It was her favourite kind. It fact she had named it Winky.

“Go now FUCKERS!” yelped Kira.

Revan and Infinity leapt into the gravity lift and were swiftly jolted to the top floor. As the psi monks charged up their psionic attacks poised on Kira, she detonated the grenade.

A humongous explosion ripped through the lower levels killing anyone and anything unfortunate enough to be caught in the explosion’s path. Revan and Infinity regrouped with the rest of the squad. They were now standing outside the barricaded door of the head office. A huge Crahn symbol, as well as a neon sign saying “No fat chicks”, covered the door. An air of tension drifted through the air.

A dark mist drifted near Killzor. The mist turned into two figures. And the two figures were that of Crahn’s personal elite guard. They were wielding Psi Lances, (A psi lance being pure psi energy manifested into the shape of a melee weapon), they pounced on Killzor. Nidhogg quickly smacked one of them off Killzor with his hammer.

“STOP CRAHN CITIZENS” said Nidhogg lifting Killzor to his feet and swinging his hammer.

Tentacle, Revan and Infinity smashed down the door with all their might as Killzor and Nidhogg did battle with the elite guards. In the darkened room the trio crept to a tall hooded figure centred near a window. The previously opened door quickly shut. Crahn quickly swivelled round.

In a blink of an eye he fired a streak of holy lightning at Tentacle with made him explode into a big, gooey, slimy, and pulsating mess. The wave of slime hit Revan and Infinity knocking them to the ground. Crahn laughed manically.

Infinity was lying down on her front with her face on the floor nearly comatose. Next to her was Revan who was stuck to the floor by the sticky goo, trying to grab his pistol that was now inches away from his hand. Crahn casually walked up to Revan and kicked his gun away.

“Now you will feel the might of Crahn” Crahn said clenching Revan’s head with his spiky gauntlet.

Revan had to think fast. Any moment now Crahn was going to fry his brain. He had to do something. He did the only thing he knew would turn this battle in his favour. He touched Infinity’s ass.

“Huh…who the fuck just touched my ass?” said Infinity lifting her head off the ground and getting to her feet with anger burning in her eyes.

“It was Crahn!” shouted Revan.

Crahn quickly looked at Infinity. She kicked Crahn in the chest and slapped him in the face with such force it made him hurtle across the room. Crahn yelled in pain. His ribs had been broken.

“Fuck you Crahn! Never ever touch a girls ass when she’s covered in slime and on her period” said Infinity clenching her fists and gnashing her teeth.

Crahn struggled to his feat and fired a para shock blast at Infinity. It paralysed her to the spot. Crahn walked up to her and placed his gauntlet on her forehead. He slowly and painfully started to fry her brain. But as he was doing this Revan’s pistol poked him in the back of the head. Crahn turned round.

“Hey Crahn now you will feel the wrath of Revan” said Revan.

Revan shot Crahn at point blank range. Crahn slumped down dead onto the floor.

“And welcome citizens of Neocron to a prestigious award ceremony. President Reza himself will award these fine war veterans for their duty in the Anti-Crahn campaign” shouted a spokesman amongst the hordes of spectators.

With the death of Crahn his soul clusters that were helping the war effort soon flittered away. His influence granted power to the psi monks which was now gone. And thanks to the efforts of the rather peculiar Sheizer Company, they had saved Neocron. It only took a week for normality to resume. And as a token of appreciation from City Admin, members of Sheizer Company who had fallen in battle were gene replicated. And now the rather proud team of fighters were to be awarded medals for their work.

They stood on a huge stage erected for them for this special event. The crowds were cheering and everyone was happy. Reza came on stage. Some of the crowd fell silent.

“I president Reza am proud to award these fine…er…ok special citizens medals for their…..skills…if you can call it that. Anyway we owe them big time. You people are one of a kind”

The crowd cheered. Reza placed a medal on each member’s chest. As he got to Darla he whispered in her ear.

“I’ll see you later honey buns”

Darla giggled. Jake sighed with relief.

Reza started to sweat as he approached Killzor.


Reza looked at the nearby copbots and clicked his fingers. A small group of copbots rolled kegs of beer and brought strippers to Killzor. Killzor laughed with joy. And so with all the members awarded their medals the crowd cheered on. The Neocronicle reporter Barry Pepper jumped onto the stage. He rushed to Kira with his microphone.

“Hello miss your one of the members of the elite Sheizer Company right?”


“So what do you plan to do now that you’ve vanquished Crahn?”

“I plan to make lots of TWAT BANGS you FUCK FACE BADGER NOOGY!”

“There we have it folks. Twat bangs. Lets hope they keep their promise”

The End

14-02-06, 18:08
Jake Hard is loved by alot of people. Why? Is he an embodyment of the fragility of society with it's pit falls. A fruedian insight into the inner working of the psyche.

Or if i'm to be blunt is it coz he's a fucked up loser? :D

So let's take a look at Jake Hard. his mind, his thoughts. What does he think. Let us go Inside the Mind of Jake Hard.

14-02-06, 18:10
Awwww man these City Admin citizenship meetings are boring. This spokesperson is crap. Nothing exciting…hey a ball of fluff! Boy my attention span is bad. Aren’t there any females here? Hey is that one! Nope just a fat guy with man bosoms. Or mosoms as I like to call ‘em. Hee hee mosoms…yep my attention span is bad.

How can all these people listen to this guy speak. He’s clearly wearing a fucking toupee. That or some kind of dead animal. Speaking of dead animals that rat burger is doing real damage to my bowels. Uuugghh damn its chronic pain. I need to fart really badly. Crap I can’t do it here. Everyone is being so quiet and listening to this guy. If I do a rip-snorting fart they’ll hear. Maybe I could squeeze a silent one. Come on. Ok clench my buttocks a bit. Oh no what if I force too much and shit myself! I just need to relax….no not too much or I’ll fart….

Shit the pain! Okay stay calm. Just gently squeeze it out and…


Fuck! The guy has stopped talking! He’s stopped. Oh no people are looking at me. Is that little kid giggling at me? Oh shit the kids pointing at me now. Fuck. Okay just smile and shrug. Yes that’s it. Oh fuck Jake you’re smiling too much. Now people are looking at you like a freak. Erm I’m still smiling….

Oh great now he’s back to talking. Well that was embarrassing. Way to go Jake ruin an exciting talk on…..rationing dairy products…what the fuck. Hey I got a carton of synthetic milk in my fridgeration unit they can have. Well if they wrestle with it…and…what the fuck! That little kid is still pointing at me still and giggling. Yeah yeah call me funny man yeah yeah kid its all the same to me. It’s okay for you to shit yourself but when a grown man farts in public it’s a fucking crime.

I’m sooooo bored! Woah attention Jake attention Jake two hot ladies coming my way! They are hot. Fuck me they’re coming my way. Wahoo! They are sitting next to me. Woah one of them just smiled at me! Smile back idiot! Fuck not like a pervert. Oh fuck did I just stick my top teeth out above my lips. I did. R-E-T-A-R-D.

Woah they are sexy. I bet they get up to all sorts of hot lesbian fun. Aaawww lesbians. Hang on. Fuck my flies are undone. Shit and my boxer short buttons are undone too. Ok there’s a shift in my trousers. Crap if a boner pops out in the middle of a meeting with two hot ladies by my side then…crap I don’t wanna think about it. Think none sexy thoughts Jake…grandma naked…yep it’s gone. Boner crisis over. Uh oh. Are the two ladies talking about me? They are whispering. Crap their giggling. Did I dribble on myself or something? Ok Jake act manly. That’s it pout your chest out. Good job I stuck bit of drom hair to my chest. If I get lucky, which I undoubtedly will, I will be so manly!

“Hi I’m Sarah”

Shit one of them just talked to you. Well say something idiot.
“Hi the names Jake”

Yeah smooth move. Who’s the daddy? You are you’re the daddy Jake. Oh yeah. Go on shake her hand. No wait! Don’t! Your hands are all sweaty she might think you masturbate too much. Well you do but…oh concentrate fool.

“Why are you here?”

Well answer her question.


Don’t fuck up. Think man. Oh wow her breasts are great. But don’t say that.

“Oh these meetings are the breast”


WHAT! Fuck I’m a dipshit. I said it I actually said it.

“I mean they’re very titillating”

Ok mental note don’t say anything about breasts. Or use words that have breast likeness. Don’t think about breasts. Ok scrap that last one.

“I’m a detective”

“Hey that’s interesting”

Not as interesting as my cock! Ok calm down Jake. You seemed to be having what’s called a conversation. The fact that she hasn’t vomited yet is a good sign. Er fuck. I gotta keep going. Do I talk about the weather…erm…crap something interesting.

“You know I’m absolutely shocked that prices in pornography have actually risen”

Oh shit on me! She’s looking at me funny. Wait! She’s laughing. Close one. Laugh back

“HA HA!”

Woops a bit too loud. And now there is an eerie silence. Oh boy. Shit I laughed when the spokesperson was talking about infant mortality. Oh no…..

He’s talking again. Great!

Hey another lady has just came in. Oh no….FUCK NO! Janet Sexington the transsexual! Fuck! Hide your face. Crap the lady next to me is looking confused.
SHIT! Janet has spotted me. No don’t point at me. No go backwards not forwards! The seat is reserved RESERVED! FUCK!

“Oh Halo Mr. Hard”

Shit. Lady next to me looks disgusted. Fuck you Janet with your hairy top lip. What the…..she’s touching me. Touching me. I don’t wanna live!

My gun…I have it yes. Time to end this all in one horrible act. Gun is loaded…check…mouth is open check….fire!

“Mr. Hard! Why have you shot that transsexual in the mouth!”

The End

14-02-06, 18:12
The Neocronical is sooooo boring. All politics and crap. Wheres the sex and crazyness?

Better make my own. Better make The Sexy Neocronicle

14-02-06, 18:13
The sexy neocronicle, all of today’s news in all its sexy form.

Today’s top story, President Reza held a press conference today to discuss the rumours circulating about him, a stripper and a large vat of whipped cream. President Reza was quoted saying at the press conference “I don’t even like whipped cream”. We’ll have more on that story as it unfolds.

The CEO of Tangent Technologies announced a radical new change to their motto. Tangent have decided to change it to something more appealing to the younger generation. Instead of the original In guns we trust, it will now be changed to Tangent WOOOOOOOT.

Its not just Tangent Technologies who are jumping on the bandwagon for reforming mottos. Other factions are said to be changing theirs in the hope of being more in touch with today’s trends. The City Mercs for example have decided to change their motto solving almost all your problems, to a newer and more violent: bombing almost all your problems.

Not only that the Crahn Sect is desperate for new followers so much so they too have changed their motto from Modify, Manipulate, Adopt to Sex, Drugs, Booze lets have some fun!

And the Twilight Guardian have simply changed theirs to Fuck Reza.

The author and creator of the popular Jake Hard stories, Paul Turrell, has passed away. Mr. Turrell died at the age of 80 whilst making love to a pair of Siamese twins. Apparently Mr. Turrell suffered a heart attack just before reaching orgasm. His friends and family at the funeral said, “ He was good man but one seriously twisted fuck”.

A new terrorist group has been formed inside the city of Neocron. The terrorist organisation known as The Dynamic Erectionist party are hell bent on liberating hardcore pornography to the people of Neocron. We sent one of our Neocronicle reporters to interview the leader of the organisation Cento.

NC: So tell Mr. Straut what do you plan to achieve?

Cento: It simple really those admin fucks are keeping us honest sexually repressed people away from the decent porn. We hope to unearth the stash of raunchy pornography some of the corporations in neocron are holding captive.

NC: So really you’re just a group of porn lovers then?

Cento: Well in essence yes but its much more than masturbation material. Its…its about freedom! A citizen should be able to walk into a shop and buy “Dirty Droms 2” or “A cock work Orange” and not have to pay porn tax and be scrutinized by people.

NC: Aren’t you afraid of the police?

Cento: Hell no we own the police!

Cento could not comment any further due to a squad of police storming the area and arresting him.

Tragedy struck City Admin today as a beloved STORM bot was injured in the line of duty. The STORM bot known as Nidhogg was damaged after investigating an abandoned sex toy factory that had explosives inside, which promptly went off. Admin officials found Nidhogg with a vibrator imbedded in his head, which had been propelled by the explosion. Nidhogg is said to be in a stable condition and doctors are attempting to remove the batteries from the vibrator.

Tune in next week when we will have all the latest and sexiest news on Neocron.

The End

14-02-06, 18:16
I've never been a fan of history. Maybe some of the wars kept my attention , but not for long. Look at Nc's history.

Technology, politics, the odd war here and there. It could all be fabricated. In fact is is the right history at all?

Forget what your holocrons tell you and your books. Heres the real history, the Alternative Neocron History.

14-02-06, 18:17

Holographic mass media storage devices are created. A small german company called Reakktor are suprised at their prediction and proclaim themselves the new Nostradamus.


NASA thinks of doing a manned mission to Mars. To make it more interesting to the public they decide they should send celebrities there seeing as celebrity shows are a fad of the time.


The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) launches the Ceres Project. The project hopes to archive all human knowledge. Sadly no one really contributes and so far the only information the project has is on how to create compost heaps.


Another Celebrity launch mission ends in catastroph. This time Britney Spears is killed. A spokesperson of NASA said " Oops I did it again". The spokesperson was promptly fired.


Still no new information for the Ceres Project. The project team twiddle their thumbs.


The sixth mission of Mars is successful. Only NASA uses chimps instead. Still Mars seems like a good place to colonise and several coffee houses wil be present in the not too distant future.


After the fossil fuels of Asia have been exhausted the continent sits back and twiddles their thumbs saying "What now?".


American research scientist have almost worked out nuclear fusion. So far they can light up a light bulb. They give themselves a pat on the back and heartily celebrate.


Japan becomes allies with America. China takes over Russia. And Starbucks coffee takes over Costa coffee houses. It is a grim year.


America's work on plasma weapons yield no results. So a super cool water soaker is invented instead. The scientist once again pat themselves on the back.


Lots of political stuff rather boring a federation is created yada yada.


Still no plasma weapons. Scientist grab their super soakers and go "Pew pew" to mimic the sounds of a real plasma gun.


Fusion power is widely used. Starbucks uses this power to control most of the weastern world.


Knowing the dangers of sending humans to colonise Mars, NASA sends chimps. Unfortunetly the chimps do a very good job of colonisation and soon Mars is over run with chimps. NASA renames Mars "Chimp World".


More plolitical mumbo jumbo with China and Arab places. All the while Starbucks harnass the power of dark matter fusion to create better Espresso.
Reakktor buy a fusion core for the office but utilize it poorly. They use it to as a lamp and not to power up their company which could save thousands in electrical costs.


Nuclear melt down in China. Starbucks sends relief aid in the form of coffee beans. China is angered by this. They wanted Mexican grounded beans not Italian.


China devises a way to hide conventional missiles from radar using a big white cloth. Meanwhile Starbucks creates a new drink so diabolical it can destroy whole cities if released. They put it with their fair trade brand.


A treaty prohibiting clothed missiles is created. China moans like a bitch.


Chimp World sees economic growth on a large scale and agriculture of bananas is fruitful (excuse the pun). Executives from Starbucks visit the planet to negotiate a coffee house implementation. They are greeted by feces.


NASA is pissed about monkeys doing a better job of colonization. So they blame China. Who blames the Arabs. Who blames Europe. Who interns just points the figure squarely at France. Meanwhile Starbucks is filled with glee.


WW3 is imminent. France declares "You dont freaten us!". Peace talks ensue and the crisis is adverted. But China does not take back its comments about the American president's mother. Hostility is rife.


Irata is discovered. NASA thinks they could colonize this planet and beat those "Damn dirty apes". Sadly they figure out it will take a long time to get there. NASA proclaims "Ah fuck it".


Starbucks, the Federation and China are all now at each others throats. China wants technology, Federation wants colonization and Starbucks wants to sell good coffee.

2143 February 17th

A repairman at a military base in Kiev is fixing a broken monitor in a missile launch room and foolishly rests his tool box on the big red button. A missile is launched at India and India is practically wiped out. The repairman is quoted saying "Woops".

And so in a streak of paranoia every nuke capable country fires off their weapons of mass destruction. Psychologists called this the penis envy theory. The bigger the nuke the bigger a person’s penis is. American tries to show off and in doing so destroys Australia. Meanwhile a coffee house in London UK gets nuked. Starbucks is annoyed and goes to war. Every apron clad employee is drafted. Sadly the war only lasts 6 hours not nearly enough time to make a frappuccino. After the 6 hours most of Earth is destroyed. The damage can be seen from space. The residents of Chimp World scratch their butts and observe the planets destruction with joy.


Earth is a shell of its former self. Cracker earth, volcanic regions and deserted coffee houses remain. Tribes of humans and ex Starbucks executive’s band together to try and make a living in this hellish world. Technology is well...crap. A tribe called Osawi find a battery operated toaster and proclaim it to be their God.


People develop higher resistance to radiation and Starbucks coffee. The Osawi tribe is eliminated and the toaster stolen. Toast is now available to humanities tribes.


Two large tribes Crahn and Thor are formed named after their leaders. Thor is armed with the age old super soakers of man. Crahn is worried of these weapons not knowing their capabilities. Over the years they gain influence and power. And toast.


The Crahn tribe discovers a cave filled with psi monks. The psi monks join the tribe but their potential is not used. Instead they are used as human paper weights.


Thor and Crahn meet up for a big game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors". Crahn wins. Thor's tribe retreat westward.


More games take place and Thor has no choice but to take a few of his tribe to the Ceres tribe and run like a coward. Meanwhile Crahn figures out his people have psychic powers. The psi monks proclaim " No duh". Crahn builds the city of Neocron. Names it Neocron because it sounds cool and uses the word Neo because Crahn is an avid Matrix fan. The city is soon completed. An ex Starbucks employee suggests a coffee house be open. He is burnt alive.


An old hermit visit Thor and Ceres at a porn party. He claims he knows the whereabouts of the Ceres labs. The old man is beaten and his map stolen. And so they travel onward to the Ceres lab.


The lab is discovered and they find porn...precious porn. Oh and the knowledge of Ceres, which was basically how to make compost. Thor and Ceres decide take over Neocron. The Psi Monks gear themselves up but are struck down by flaming compost. Apparently flaming compost is a terrifying weapon. The monks are defeated and Neocron is taken over.


Political boring stuff is rediscovered. People yawn and political stuff happens. Meanwhile the Dome of York is created. People think its some sort of vibrator but it transpires its a city.


Political stuff happens and war occurs. The Ceres war to be precise. Ceres is battling for control with Regant. Warbots are created and for centuries to come will piss lots of people off. Gene Tanks are created to help the war effort. They have more muscle than brains and are used as human paper weights till some bright spark decides they could be used for war. And so they are. The Tanks demand plasma cannons and a passive monk be near them 24/7. They also moan like stink about losing outposts.


Its a peaceful time and wealth and research accumulates. Viarosso is created and becomes prosperous. An individual whos ancestor was a Starbucks employee opens up a restaurant. The Chez Cypher.


An uplink to the old satellites is created. 500 channels of porn are at Neocrons hands.


A flying vehicle is created and with a crew of 20 sets of to explore the land. They find Tokyo 2 and on its surface see millions of Starbucks coffee houses. They don’t bother landing.


A group of nerds feel oppressed and want a place to build their Star Trek model kits. They go into the wastelands and build Tech Haven. Geeks.


A space ship is created to explore Mars. It will take 9 months to reach it.


The astronaughts arrive and are shot down by imperial forces of Chimp World. The chimps have mastered warp weapon technology. The Neocron government keeps it secret and worries about the chimp armies and intelligence.


The terrorist group the Twilight Guardian is formed in the tree house of Lioon Reza. He and his comrades fund their operation by stealing other kid’s lunch money and creating slogans like "Join us! Well be your friend".


Lioon hits puberty. He is over come with zits and affection for girls. Dark times are ahead.


Lioon is all grown up and becomes president of Neocron. He creates copbots and such. The old Twilight Guardian don’t like Reza anymore and accuse him of being smelly. To this day the Twilight Guardian still haven't fucking grown up.


It is the space race and everyone is after Irata. Huge ships are created by everyone. Most of them from the Fallen Angels in Tech Haven. Those fucking geeks.


Population is low in Neocron (nothing new there). It will be 2840 till the ships reach Irata. And little do they now the chimps have beat them to it once again. Lioon sits on his ass and enjoys hookers.

2760- Present day

Political stuff nothing really interesting. Dome of York blown up but more importantly the head of Biotech found a penny. A whole one.

The End

14-02-06, 18:24
Hey Nc can be scary. Ever been boned by a zombie?

Probably not a good mental image. Well have some more....

This was intended to be a series ofs tories for the Halloween period but i never get round to it. Too much partying.

So i give you the Tales from the Crap keeper

14-02-06, 18:25
Good evening. Welcome to my humble abode, and by humble I mean a small appartment in Via Rosso that smells of decaying droms. It's got nothing to do with me it was the previous owner I swear. Anyway the time has come.....

Halloween is upon us! It is the time when gouls, ghosts, demonic creatures and the unemployed lurk the night. And so over the next few days I will be bringing you tales of horror and wierdness the likes of which will never get published in a million years.

So our first story of terror shall begin....

Adam thrusted deep into her quivering mound. Her moans of pleasure filled the room.....

Hey! What the fuck! Dammit that Igor has been rearranging my book collection. Dumb little shit mixed up my erotic novels with my horror stories. Now wheres a good little scare...come on...."Little Women" pppfftt hardly......come on....ah here we go.

The "Big Bumper Book of Perverse Scares" and would ya believe it its the second edition. Now to recreate that atmosphere of mystery and forboding...ahem

From the very bowels of Satan I bring you our first tale which I like to call, and so does the author of the story, "Viagra of the Dead"

On a dark stormy night in the creepy bleak labs of Proto Pharm two morticians, Bill and Max, were examining a fresh batch of corpses that had been delivered. But little did they know that one particular corpse would bring destruction to Neocron!

"Hey did you know that when a person dies the muscles in their bowels give way and they piss and shit all over the place?" said Bill.

"Oh please don't tell me that stuff it's disturbing. My first day and I'm replacing blood will preserving fluid" said Max glumly as he looked at the tubes poking out of a corpse lying on a cold slab.

"Well hey thats why I'm supervising. Hey did you know that at some point the deads lungs spew out left over air and they make this wierd sound like "eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppoppppppp"? Its freaky" said Bill talking over Max's shoulder.

"Look I don't want to know so shut up"

Max was desperatly not trying to screw this job up. Out of all the part time jobs hes ever had he considered this to be the worst.

"Oh and did you know that if you die with a boner it stays there? We've had a few cases of stiffs with stiffs. We call it "Angel Lust" in the business" said Bill jabbing at a corpses crotch.

"For fucks sake I'm trying to concerntrate on what I'm doing! I don't want to hear any more disturbing bullshit!" said Max putting down his surgical laser.

"Hey man it's not bullshit. It's true the blood stays trapped in the blood vessels of the penis. Here man let me show you" said Bill wandering out of the labs.

Max was bewildered at this point. An eerie lab, filled with corpses, who died in horrific ways, with a co-worker obsessed with the toilet habits of the dead. Max could hear Bill searching cabinets and knocking equipment over in the opposite room. Bill quickly ran into the room quite flustered brandashing a syringe and escorting a trolley with a difibulator on it. He parked the defibulator next to one of the male corpses.

"Bill what the hell are you doing? I don't need some fucked up biology lesson now I got work to do" said Max sulkily.

"Relax this will only take a minute...well for this guy it will last a long time. You see in this syringe is a powerful viagra in a solution. I inject this guy with it, give him a jolt of volts to get the stuff flowing a little and we watch the dead rise."

"You are one twisted perv with too much time on his hands"

"Just pass me that cloth so it doesn't perk up and hit us in the eye. Last thing we need is a decomposing penis flying about the place"

Max reluctantly gave Bill a cloth which Bill gently placed on the corpse. Bill injected the corpse with viagra and gave a small burst of electricity to the corpse with the defibulator to get a short pulse of blood in circulation. Slowly but surely they could see a bulge in the cloth emerge.

"Lucky for this guy dead girls dont say no" said Bill jokily.

The corpse twitched on the slab slightly.


Suddenly the corpse jolted forward and flung his arm at Bill hitting him and hurling him across the lab. Max dived over a cadaver tray to avoid this bonerfied zombie. The zombie ignored Max and proceeded to break down a security door with a powerful pelvic thrust. The broken door set off security alarms and a small squad of security guards ran to the sector hauling an arsenal of guns and gear. Max crept out of cover and picked up Bill shakily to his feet.

Meanwhile the security force were frantically firing at a zombie lurching at them with an erection. It got close to a security guard and pounced on him. The zombie humped him into submission, killing him with his foul manhood. The zombie then set it's sights on the rest of the squad which were situated a few rooms away from Bill and Max.

Bill and Max looked around the room and assessed the damage.

"First day on the job and one of the corpses gets an erection and goes on a rampage. It would have to be a bloody Monday wouldn't it". said Max depressingly.

"What the hell happened in here?!" shouted the Proto Pharm CEO clambering over cadaver trays.

"Er...it's my first day" said Max sheepishly.

"Mind telling me why I had a security force getting attacked by what I'm hearing on the communication channels to be a corpse with a hard on! Damn thing managed to break out the labs! Fucking roaming the streets!"

"Bill injected a corpse with viagra and it some how got re-animated" said Max rather bemused.

Bill was shaking in shock.

"This is not good for the company! Having a corpse on the loose...do you know what this means!?" shouted the CEO

"We have unleashed something truely terrible on Neocron"

"No it means bad news for our share holders!"

14-02-06, 18:26
The rain fell down heavily on the blood drenched streets of Neocron. Hordes of horny zombies swarmed nearby runners and tore them apart in an orgy of groping and thrusting. City Admin were desperatly trying to hold off the zombie infestation but soon they were out numbered. The zombies scowered the streets for their next bit of titilation and already Pepper Park had been stripped clean like a strippers thong. Meanwhile in a boarded up Chez Cypher Max and Bill were trying to keep alive as well as drinking booze. Max was sat down plaintively at a table nursing his cron beer.

"First day at work and I get involved in a zombie infestation. I should of taken that job as a receptionist least they get groped by managers and not zombies" said Max to himself.

Bill hauled himself up from behind the bar brandishing a bottle of whisky. His shirt and tie a mess and drenched in booze.

"Hey...Max...buuuuuddy.....why don't cha....why don't cha...take a quick peek through the window to see ....if...the...zombays...are...gone" said Bill quite inebreated.

Max looked through the boarded up windows onto the streets. He looked away in horror.

"Well..what cha see?"

"A load of zombies gang banging a copbot"

"Huh it's like my grandpa always said when theres no room in the Pussy Club the dead will walk the earth"

"What are you talking about Bill?"

"I dunno any more man" said Bill slumping back behind the bar.

Max picked up his assault rifle which he prised from a dead security guard. He checked how much ammo it had left. It wouldn't be long till the zombies were pelvic thrusting their way into Chez Cypher then Bill and Max would be fucked, literally. Max put his hand on his forehead and tried to think.

"Ok...think Max. We gave a dead guy viagra and he became a zombie and this zombie humped someone, they became a zombie, then more zombies emerged, epidemic, chaos on the streets, we hide out here and drink booze. Well lets see what do we know about these zombies?"

"They like to fuck!" yelled Bill swaying the bottle of whisky in his hand.

"Okay so these zombies are horny. What else?"

"They blow up easy!" yelled Bill as his fell on the floor.


"Remember before we got here we saw that merc with a rocket launcher and he blew up those zombies real good but then a swarm of them deep throated him to death"

"Oh yeah don't remind me" said Max shuddering.

Suddenly the barricades on the front door began to get rammed by somethig on the other side. Bill and Max could hear the zombies moaning with each thrust. Max clutched his assault rifle tightly.

"So ya got a plan buddy?" asked Bill as he unholstered his tangent eagle pistol and aimed it poorly.

Max thought for a second then replied.

"No. Wait! Yes! You know those big video screens in Plaza the ones that televise wanted criminals and adverts?"


"Well if we had like I dunno porn on those screens that would attract all the zombies to Plaza. Then we rocket the bastards or something"

The barricades gave way and a small horde of zombies lurched their way into the Chez Cypher. Max and Bill starting shooting wildly at the zombies.

"Aim for the genitals!" shouted Max.

Bill fired a clip at a zombies nether regions causing the zombies crotch to spew blood and zombie goo, which in turn made the zombie keel over onto the floor its limbs frailing. Max continued to fire, each bullet piercing the zombies supple flesh and spurting out blood. When the aftermath was over Max and Bill were victorious amongst a load of zombie corpses some with erections bulging up in their trousers.

They know had a plan. A fairly starnge plan but a plan none the less. Max used to work at Tangent Technologies before he was fired for puttinga grenade in an employees lunch for a practical joke. But he knew the HQ well and after searching the employee lounge found the hidden porno discs stahed away. Bill and Max raided the faction supply depot and found a rocket launcher with plenty of ammo. Not only that but other fine explosives such as the Tangent my first hand grenade- ages 3 and up. They then uploaded the discs into the information terminals at Tangent. They then hastily rushed of to Plaza to get finalize the plan.

At Plaza sector one the zombies waddled about looking for victims. Then an image started to appear on the large screens dotted about the place. It was a man and women having hardcore sex in a decrepid appartment.

"mmmaaaaahhhhh boobies!" screached a zombie.

The other zombies slowly turned their heads and stared at the screens.

"Boobies!" they cried in unison.

They all lurched towards the screens arms stretched out to grab the pornographic images. That was until a rocket hurtled towards them demolishing their efforts and them.

"Yeeha!" yelled Max as he loaded up another rocket.

"Keep 'em coming" cried out Bill as he ambushed a group of zombies with a grenade.

After much rocket firing and grenade tossing the zombie hordes were deminished. Max dropped his rocket launcher and sighed with relief. Bill breathed heavily as he tried to catch his breath back. Max patted Bill on the back and they both laughed with breathless glee. They admired their handy work as Plaza now appeared to have a nice new red paint job.

"Well I'm glad its over" said Max

And with those fatal words a group of zombie pounced out of the shadows at Bill. They groped Bill and tore at his clothes. Bill knew what he had to do. He grabbed his last hand grenade pulled the pin and held it closely.

"No Bill!" cried Max

"I have to Max is a cliched thing do when faced with zombies that someone has to give their life selflessly to save another person"

The greande went off and the horny horde of zombies were blasted to pieces and Max was thrown back by the force of the explosion. Across Neocron the survivors came out from their hiding places and safe houses and started to rebuild what they had lost. But in a shaddy office in the Proto Pharm HQ something sinister was brewing.

"Sir the zombies are no more"

"Excellent we can begin distribution of the viagra soon"

"But sir who wants to buy viagra that turns you into a zombie?"

"We'll let marketing worry about that"

The End

19-03-06, 18:31
Ahhh.... exactly what I needed today.
When will you come out with more?
For that example, when will you come out of the closet?

20-03-06, 13:42

I'm not gay!

Er...not writing much at the mo due to....a project with Bugs.

Please rate this thread people :D

08-04-06, 15:00
Please rate the thread for general feedback.

Anyway...on to my recent writings

08-04-06, 15:00
Hello! I'm Nigel Ekbar!

Well not really, but you see what I did there?

This ladies and germs is called role-play. I spent much of my youth indulging in role play and I can tell you it's the reason why prostitutes see frequent business from me.

Oh alas if only the above statement was role play.

Now to first get to terms with your role you must think of one. Neocron is full of possibilities!

By day you could be a mild manner constructor who helps noobs with weapons and teach them how to survive the harsh world. But by night you are actually a necrophiliac on the run from the cops for sexing your dead friend as grim chasers chewed on his corpse. I'm not suggesting you go this extreme....in fact I think you SHOULD GO MORE EXTREME.

Seriously folks (or not) if I had a "crap" emote I'd defecate in every corner of tech haven and say that I'm in my right to role play that.

Role play isn't just people sitting at a dinner table discussing politics or other such meetings. REAL role play involves scandal and action.

Revan: Let's go on a hunt for the milky ren factory

Brammers: Yay I haven't been this excited since that time I saw my sister naked.

Gunnar: Ach lass ye be a wee fool if ya be travellin' on dem moores at night.

Revan: WTF?

Gunnar: I can't role play a Scot?

Revan: you were a Scottish? I thought you were a mutant.

and so forth......

Speech and actions really help back up your role. It's okay if you randomly shoot people and pretend to be insane, just as long as you grunt and ramble like a maniac to fit your profile.

PVP is an accepted part of role play. Just make sure it's sticks to your role for example:

Guy: Salutations kind sir, I would like to indulge in the timely sportsmanship of PVP with you.

Guy2: This is agreable and I thank you for offer. I do believe my skills are in high regard whilst you shoot like a valetudinarian.

Guy: Piffle.

This is how you should NOT role play. Instead be more believable.

Guy1: You sexually assaulted my mother and father, ate my sister and stole my prostitute now you’re gonna fucking pay.

Guy2: Ach lass ye be a wee fool if ya be travellin' on dem moores at night.

Guy1: FFS

So, this is but a rough guide. Now I hope to see some interesting characters roaming free in NC.

Role play etiquette

Role play isn’t all fun and games. There are certain rules and procedures. That 35 yr old virgin called Geoff who role plays a hot blonde prostitute even has to abide by rules and etiquette.

So I will break it down into manageable chunks.


People need to be aware of the role you are playing and must be ready for role play. Some people may take offence to you running around screaming pretending to be medieval knight if they have not been informed before hand. Trust me I know, I got a restraining order for showing off my sword. Let people know so confusion does not occur between role play and out of character.

Krysm: I’m pregnant with Niddy’s baby!

Revan: Joy!

Krysm: And in the game!

Revan: WTF?


Tools of a real rper. Your imagination transforms boring items into props of action and wonder. A mere drom trophy can be turned into a shrine for your drom god, an implant tool is transformed into an artificial insemination device and a beer bottle is your only toilet.

However, if you do use props inform people what is a prop and what isn’t. Because if you lend a poker an artificial insemination device their client will look like a fool and have egg on their face if ya know what I mean ;) ;) *nudge* *nudge*

Who has what?

Make sure if you role play a team everyone knows who they are. I myself try to role play in teams. I myself tried to create NADS (Neocron’s Amateur Dramatic Society), but no one joined me due to it’s school boy name. But that didn’t stop me from writing, directing and starring in my own play. In my apartment. Alone. With some hand cream. And a sock. Anyway…..

If you don’t know who is who you are going to face trouble so discuss beforehand.

Revan: Avast ye! We set sail for port tech haven to plunder it of its dabloons and wenches!

Brammers: Capital idea old bean.

Gunnar: Avast ye! We set sail for-

Revan: Yar I be capin’ Revan ye land lubber!

Gunnar: Ye scurvy sea dog I’m da capin’


I hope now you understand the way role play works. If you excuse me I must put on a one man show adieu adieu

30-04-06, 10:42
The next story is one I had in my head for ages but never got round to making it. It's a story about self identity....yada yada

The story has hookers that's all you need to know

30-04-06, 10:45
William Griff was a very unfortunate child, shortly after his birth his parents were devoured by something and he was left an orphan with his neglectful uncle. His uncle was an alcoholic, a frequent drinker of Preacher’s Choice whiskey, and spent his days in his Outzone apartment getting drunk while William cried himself to sleep. However, fate, karma or just plain “shit happens” cosmic forces would change things for baby William. His uncle’s crummy apartment was raided by mutants. After William’s uncle was gutted and skinned, the mutants soon set their eyes on poor little William. Two mutants saw this neglected baby and decided that instead of eating him they would adopt him as their own. He was stripped of his birth name and named Shleck by his new parents.

William was not a mutant and it would be some time till he knew his past…

“Happy Birthday Shleck!” yelled Shleck’s mutant parents, Gromm and Teka, as they presented him with a roasted rat which had been pierced with 16 candles.

Shleck blew out the candles, the rat was then placed on the dining room table (not that shacks really have dining room tables) and the rest of the family sat down to eat. Shleck smiled at his portion of rat and was thankful for what he had. Though he mind was still plagued by something.

“So, did ya ask that Krela girl out?” asked Gromm glaring over the table at Shleck.

“No. She just laughed at me and called me a flesh bag.”

“Aaaawww never mind son.”

“Dad why was I born so deformed?” said Shleck sulkily.

Shleck’s “parents” stopped eating. Grandpa Yolin, who was a brain floating in a jar surrounded by fluid and wires, huffed at this remark. Gromm looked at Yolin with a cruel stare from his one good eye.

“Well, sometimes life deals you a bad hand. Sometimes a person gets born with perfect straight teeth and tight fitting skin. But that doesn’t make you a freak. It just means that your…special…and me and your mother love you very much.”

“Yes we do”, piped up Teka.

“At least celebrate the boy’s sixteenth with something a little fancier than roasted rat. It’s all you ever eat!” yelled Yolin.

“How dare you! I work my fingers to the bone and what do I have to show for it…BONEY FINGERS! It’s not easy cooking a rate when one of your arms has been replaced by a gatlin canon. So shut up before I remove ya vocal plugs,” said Gromm very sternly.

“Oh don’t you yell at me…I’ll kick your scabby behind!”

“What are you talking about? You’re legless.” retorted Teka.

“Nonsense! I haven’t touched a drop!”

“No, I mean you don’t have any legs. Don’t have a body either.”

“Quiet woman and just pass me some roasted rat.”

Gromm and Teka ignored Grandpa Yolin and went back to eating. When Shleck’s parents weren’t looking he sneakily placed a bit of rat meat in Yolin’s brain jar and winked at him.

Shleck had spent his entire life in the Outzone. In that time he had not made a single friend. All the other mutated kids made fun of him and wouldn’t let him play in their games of kick the human head and flesh slap ( basically the age old game of tag but you hit a person with a piece of skinned flesh from some unlucky traveller who passed through the Outzone). All the other kids had hair falling out, wretched teeth and gunky eyeballs. Shleck however, had straight teeth, blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, clear skin and genitals that worked.

Shleck sometimes felt he didn’t belong. Luckily he had his family on standby to give him cuddles and comfort. Although, Grandpa Yolin did seem to be holding back something, like he wanted to tell Shleck something and as Shleck grew up became increasingly eager to tell him something. Whether or not Yolin would tell him something or just call him an idiot like he usually does remained a mystery to Shleck.

30-04-06, 10:48
Shleck peeled back the crusty sheets of his bedding, picked off the cockroaches and got into bed. He looked around, Gromm and Teka were fast asleep, and Grandpa Yolin was awake.
“Good night Grandpa”, said Shleck
“Good night ya idiot”, snarled Yolin.
Shleck closed his eyes and dreamed his wet little dreams about the mutant girl next door fondling his…

Suddenly Shleck was awoken by Teka shaking him. Shleck wearily looked around. Gromm was frantically grabbing supplies. Screams could be heard outside and Grandpa Yolin was yelling “Wake up ya idiot!” to Shleck. With very little explanation, Shleck was rushed to his feet and he, Gromm, Teka, and Grandpa Yolin ran far away to the old dusty abandoned church in the Outzone. They were not the only ones there however.

Huddled in the dank gloomy church were other families of mutants whimpering in fear. Outside the church mutant aggressors were loading up weapons and forming battle plans. Meanwhile, the mutant preacher, Rechta, was offering condolences to families. He soon noticed Gromm and his rather strange family and limped over them, his loose jaw wiggling as he did this.

“Ah, brother Gromm it iz veeeery gud to sey you.” hissed Rechta.

“What’s going on Father Rechta?”

“Eeet ish theee Geno-toooxic mutants….hhhhccchhhh…they have invaded da Outzone…weeee are hhhcccolding them off… for now…but it ish only a matur off time before they breach the perimeter and corrupt and transform us into their ranksssss.”

“What can we do?!”

“I hhhhave an idea…it involves Shhhhleck.”

Rechta and Gromm talked amongst themselves for a few minutes, all the while Shleck was holding Yolin in his arms. Rechta spied Shleck and walked up to him.

“Hello der Shhhleck”

“Oh hey Rechta! I was wondering can I become like an acolyte for the church?”

“Er…shertainly…all you haff to do is get a rusty knife and carve chunks off flesshh from your face, fool”

“Sounds a bit extreme.”

“Yessshhh succhh iz da price of…enlightenment. Shhhhleck I am requesting you for a…holy task…the Geno-toooxic mutants have driven us from our homes and will corrupt ussss. We need to fight back…we need more fire power. The only place we can geeet dis is frum the outside. I have shpokin to your…father… and he agrees that you are the right person for the job and that you shud go to the outside sectors and geet ussss some weaponsss.”

“Wow! Can Grandpa come with me?”

“Oh great, I have to go with shit for brains into the land of fleshies” huffed Yolin.

“Off course he can, he will guide you young Shhhleck. The outside is a shtrange and foreboding realm. Geeeet ussss weaponsss and save your…friends. We will be very gggrateful” Rechta smiled as he said this. His yellow teeth protruded from his face and his red eyes gazed at Shleck.

Teka packed Shleck a crunchy rat head for the trip, a first aid kit and a few credits, not much but enough to get by, and pointed him in the direction of the exit of the Outzone. Only Gromm and Teka waved Shleck goodbye. The other mutants were reinforcing defences to hold off the Genotoxic, which were growing in power. Teka held onto Gromm’s one able hand as they watched Shleck disappear into the unknown. They knew he would soon understand everything…

After much travelling, Shleck and Yolin found themselves in the Pepper Park red light district. The neon glow, the sex and sounds of gun fire in the distance was all new to Shleck. His eye widened at all these fantastical sights.

“Wow! Rechta weren’t kiddin’…this place is weird. I mean…these ladies clothes just seem to come off constantly. My clothes don’t do that.”

“They’re strippers, kid. They get paid to take off clothes” said Yolin in Shleck’s arms.

“That seems like a real easy job. Wonder what qualifications you need?”

“Big hooters. Now come on, we gotta find a gun store and get a load of weapons”

“Maybe that woman over there knows where we can get some?” said Shleck pointing to a busty latex clad hooker near an alley way.

Before Yolin could say anything, Shleck had already rushed up to the hooker. The hooker looked Shleck up and down and raised an eyebrow to the brain in a jar that he was holding.

“For a hundred creds I’ll suck your cock and for an extra fifty the brain can watch” said the hooker.

“Hell, I’m up for that!” yelped Yolin, bubbles now appearing in the jar.

“Er… I’m looking for some guns. Really cool ones…ones they can blast Genotoxic mutants to smithereens.” said Shleck enthusiastically.

The hooker eyed him up again.

“Well, darlin’, yall probably want Archer and Wessen. They gots a gun store in Plaza. They’ll sort you out.”

“Baby, if I had a body I’d show you where you could get my gun!” yelled Yolin.

“Thanks very much!” said Shleck.

Shleck skipped off with Yolin in hand, who was now whinging at the lack of sex, whilst the prostitute muttered “freaks” under her breathe. The pair took the hover cab to plaza (took it several times actually because Shleck had never been on one) and searched for Archer and Wessen. Whilst in Plaza Shleck asked a very pertinent question.

“Hey Grandpa, I…I just noticed…everyone here is just as deformed as me…what’s going on?”

“CRAHN DAMMIT BOY! Wake up and smell the dead drom!”

Shleck almost dropped Grandpa Yolin at this remark.

“Don’t you see…I’m not your Grandpa. I’m a fucking mutant brain in a jar; you’re a fleshy like all these other fleshies and I’m severely pissed off that we didn’t get any poon in Pepper Park!”

“What are you saying Grandpa?”

“I’m saying kid you’re not a mutant. Never have been. Ya were adopted.”

“But I am a mutant! Mom and Dad are mutants”

“Oh come on! Kid, ya still got the dingle in your dangle and tight skin. Nothing mutant about you. Your parents were fleshies and left you in the Outzone. I would have told ya sooner but Gromm and Teka wouldn’t let me.”

“If they’re not my parents then…then…who are?”

“I don’t know…hhhmm but maybe this guy knows?” said Yolin looking at a City Comm advertisement.

It read:


30-04-06, 10:49
“Vell vell Mista Hard, looks like you’re a bit…how can I put zis…TIED UP har har har!” bellowed Colonel Von Krutz in his long black trench coat waving a German Luger pistol in his robotic hand.

Jake Hard, Private Detective, was chained to a metal pole outside some military barracks with a firing squad of five men with guns poised squarely on him. Squirming next to Colonel Von Krutz was the busty and beautiful millionaire scientist Dorothy Pussywillow, whose arm was being held onto by Von Krutz. She struggled to get free of Von Krutz grasp but it was of little use.

“Any last vords Mista Hard?” quipped Von Krutz with a cruel smile.

“Yes, get better chains”

With these words Jake broke free of his chains with his bare hands.

“GUARDZ FREI FREI!” yelled Von Krutz.

Jake jumped into the air dodging bullets in the process that were being fired at him by the firing squad. He delivered a round house kick to one of the guards which sent him flying into another guard and so forth causing a domino effect. Von Krutz aimed at Jake with his Luger but Jake quickly picked up a subdued guard off the ground and threw him at Von Krutz. Von Krutz was knocked to the ground by the thrown guard.

Dorothy ran up to Jake and kissed him passionately. Von Krutz and the guards quickly scrambled to their feet and aimed their guns at Jake and Dorothy. Dorothy gasped in fright.

“Don’t worry hun, I’ve got protection.” said Jake activating his deflector belt.

A shower of bullets ricocheted off Jake’s deflector field. The guards fired round after round but were soon left with no more ammo.

“Got a toothpick cutey?”

Dorothy withdrew a toothpick from under her silk red dress and handed it to Jake. Jake spied Von Krutz reloading his Luger. Jake threw the toothpick at Von Krutz and decapitated him. The guards ran away in horror.

“Oh Jake!” cooed Dorothy as she flung herself in his arms and kissed him passionately. Jake was feeling really happy now.

“Take me up the arse!” Dorothy cried.

Then everything seemed to melt.


“Fuck!” yelled Jake.

30-04-06, 10:51
Jake Hard grumpily entered his crummy apartment. He took out his pistol and placed it on his untidy desk littered with papers and porn mags. He stopped what he was doing and noticed a package on his desk. Jake carefully opened it. To his delight it was a bumper pack of woolly socks he had ordered. He was so depressed he stuffed the entire lot down his trousers.

There was a knock at the door...

Jake opened his apartment door to be greeted by a teenager in some scabby clothes holding a brain in a jar.

“What the fuck kid! What the hell are you doing with a frickin’ brain in a jar?”

“Ignore him, Shleck here thinks he’s a mutant. We need your help finding this poor bastards’ parents,” said Yolin.

Jake backed away, sat at his desk and sneakily grabbed his pistol in case any weird shit happened.

“Well, I know some people down at Protopharm who could do a blood test and trace the DNA to any matches on the city admin data base. However, this wont be cheap and I’m going to need payment.” said Jake as he folded his arms.

“Er… I have 500 creds! Wow it’s so nice to meet another deformed person! This place is really weird. We took a hover cab to Plaza, harassed a Copbot and…and…oh a stripper in Pepper Park showed me her vagina!” said Shleck.

An eerie silence filled the room.

“Rrrrriiiiiiiiiight. Okay kid, no time like the present, let’s gets you to the Protopharm lab.”

Three hours later and Shleck had the results from the Protopharm Lab. The results were proof enough that he was not a mutant. His parents, George and Emma Griff, were part of a clean up crew sent into Regants Legacy for military purposes. None returned. Shleck’s parents were believed to have been devoured by a large entity, which was apparent from the bite marks left on George’s foot, which was found at the scene.

However, Shleck received a bountiful life insurance fund from his deceased parents, which could was used promptly to buy a large arsenal of weaponry to be delivered to the Industrial sector. Jake and Yolin accompanied Shleck.

“Okay kid, I came all the way out here to help you with your guns but now I got to go.” said Jake rather nervously.

“Did you…did you…just shit yourself?” said Shleck sniffing the air.

“Kid, I’m out of here!” yelled Jake.

“Wait! I need you to help me get all this stuff to my family and friends!”

“Oh great, more fucked up little retards…”

“You should feel right at home then wont you,” mumbled Grandpa Yolin.

After a bit of coercion, Jake finally agreed to help Shleck. The trio traveled deep into the Outzone hauling crates of armaments. But when they reached Shleck’s home they found the place in ruin and strewed with debris. Shleck whimpered and look at the charred corpses surrounding him. He noticed the charred remains of the mutant girl next door and he rushed over to her.

“It’s Krela…she’s dead. I loved her…isn’t she beautiful, Jake?”

Jake looked at the crispy corpse; it’s horrid teeth pointing out of it’s burnt face.

“Er…sure kid. Hey, I’d hit that,” said Jake with a look of bemusement.

The trio heard a murmur from a pile of smoldering debris. A burnt hand stretched forth from the rubble. Shleck realized it was Gromm and quickly helped him out. Shleck rested Gromm’s head against his arm.

“You’ve returned…it’s good to see you...Shleck…”

Gromm was spluttering his words at this point. He was suffering internal bleeding.

“It’s okay! I brought weapons and stuff from the outside world. We can stop the Geno-toxics!”

“The bastards…burnt down…the shack and killed the other mutants. Father Rechta…. don’t trust him. The weapons never were for us…they were for them. You have to stop them Shleck!”

“Okay…Gromm I found out that I’m not a mutant. I’m a fleshy. But it was very nice that you took care of me.”

“You were the best son I never had. I’m proud of you…”

With those last words Gromm died in Shleck’s arms.

“Come on kid, lets get out of here. I really need to change my underwear,” said Jake.

“No. Let’s finish this!” said Shleck closing Gromm’s eyelids shut.

Shleck armed himself with a gatlin cannon and gave Jake a liberator SMG. The trio went deeper into the Outzone evading and killing Geno-toxics along the way. Eventually the trio arrived at the abandoned church, which seemed to be housing a very large entity inside. Jake blew open the church doors with a trash grenade and the trio raided the building only to stop in horror.

A towering creature of limbs and flesh was staring at them. It was the Geno-toxic Nightmare. By its side was Father Rechta. The Nightmare looked directly at Shleck.

“Aaaahhhh Shhhhleck… you haff dun well to bring the weapons to ussss. Now you can join the rankssss of the Geno-toxics. You will no longer be different…you will belong. Do you not see? The Geno-toxic are the next step to a greater gooood for all mutaunts. Join ussss…” said Rechta gleering at Shleck.

"HiS ScEnT IsssSSSs farMIliAr…I kNoW oF His FleSh…"

said the Nightmare stepping a bit closer.

Shleck backed away slightly in horror.

“You…you killed my parents!” yelled Shleck.

The Nightmare roared and Rechta cackled.

“Join ussss Shhhhleck”

“My name is William”

Shleck fired a round of gatlin ammo at Rechta blowing chucks of bone and flesh from his scrawny body killing him instantly. The Nightmare roared and Jake was panicking. Jake was holding Yolin in one hand, so he threw the jar at the Nightmare. Yolin flew through the air screaming and his flight ended as his jar smashed against the Nightmare’s head. The Nightmare screamed. Yolin flopped onto the floor with a satisfying squelch.

“Ah! Moisture I need moisture!” yelled Yolin squirming on the floor.

Jake ran away leaving Shleck to face the Nightmare alone. The Nightmare swiped at Shleck, it knocked Shleck over and caused his gatlin cannon to slip from his grasp and clamber a foot away from Shleck. The Nightmare drew ever closer to Shleck and was very close to devouring him and reuniting him with his biological parents. In an act of defiance, Yolin squiggled over to the Nightmare and secreted the last of his slippery moisture near the Nightmare’s feet. The Nightmare slipped on the gooey substance, toppling over and landing at Shleck’s feet. Shleck rolled towards his gatlin cannon, grabbed it firmly and fired round after round at the Nightmare. The Nightmare was dead.

Without leadership the Geno-toxics disbanded and retreated the Outzone. Shleck gave the remaining mutants weapons to defend themselves and he won respect within mutant society. Yolin got himself a new jar as we living his usual disgruntled life. Shleck packed his bags and decided to leave the Outzone to peruse a happy and fruitful life in Neocron. The mutants waved Shleck, and Yolin who decided to tag along, goodbye as they left the Outzone. Shleck, or William as he was now going to be, was happy that things were going to be new and exciting.

The pair waited at the Outzone station awaiting the next hover cab to take them on their next adventure.

“Hey, William…can we got to Pepper Park?”

“Yes. Yes we can Yolin.”


Asurmen Spec Op
30-04-06, 19:44
So butiful, I dont know if I need to splooge or cry

06-05-06, 11:25
ROFL- the history part owned. fucking twilights.

07-05-06, 00:59
The CEO of Tangent Technologies announced a radical new change to their motto. Tangent have decided to change it to something more appealing to the younger generation. Instead of the original In guns we trust, it will now be changed to Tangent WOOOOOOOT.


10-05-06, 21:49
Heres the unfinished, yet still good, Twisted Christmas Story 2. This was done last year but was never finished and most of the material that was going to be used for the rest of the story ended up being used in some other material.

10-05-06, 21:49
It was Christmas in Neocron, snow falling down heavily, Christmas trees raised up high and prostitutes in Pepper Park freezing their tits off. Yes it was a festive time but more so at the McChockum Child orphanage in Pepper Park. Amidst the neon lights and depravity this dilapidated orphanage was host to many unfortunate children. Christmas was the only thing the children had going for them. One forlorn child named Curtis looked out of the broken window onto the streets of Pepper Park.

“CURTIS HOW MANY TIMES HAVE TOLD YOU TO NOT LOOK AT THE SLUTS OUTSIDE?!” boomed Killzor in his deep metallic voice.

“Sowy mista Killzaw I just wanted to see the outside world” said Curtis glumly.


“We have a Christmas tree?” said Curtis excitedly.


Curtis and Killzor strolled into the main hall where the rest of the children were happily decorating the shrubbery with grenades and uranium shells. Under the shrubbery was a small worn out box, a mere present for the entire orphanage of ten or so orphans. The children saw Killzor and rushed at him. They clambered all over him giving him hugs and grappling on his head. They giggled and ran around safe in the knowledge they were being looked after by what they saw as a giant foul mouthed toy. A loud knock at the door halted their fun.


Killzor marched down a crummy hall way to the front door, which Killzor then wrenched from its hinges. He was greeted by several suit clad business men. One of them stood out in particular, he had slicked back black hair, deep dark shades, an immaculate suit and a rather sinister grin.

“Ah Mr….Killzor” said the dark figure looking at his data cube.


“My name is Frost, Demetrius Frost. I’m a real restate agent from Diamond Real Estate” he said with a grin.


“Oh no Mr. Killzor it’s not like that. We are here to give you your eviction notice” said Frost with his grin still present.


The orphanage shook as a grenade went off.


“Look we could do with some labour in the Industrial Sector. So they will be fine toiling away in factories. Diamond has bought the property rights to this place and we’ll demolish it and build something worthwhile. Quite frankly this orphanage is a bit of a shit hole. This hallway doesn’t even have a roof”


“This belongs to Diamond now. Unless you buy the property then it’s gone. But I digress unless you have one million credits to buy this property this place will be demolished in twenty days. Ironically just in time for Christmas day. Now enough with your futile threats we bid you good day” said Frost smiling.

Frost and his entourage soon left smug in the knowledge of owning new property. Killzor clenched his fists in rage. He didn’t have one million credits and he couldn’t go on a killing spree at the Diamond HQ due to the high security. Killzor retired to the main hall of the orphanage. The hall was silent. The children had over heard Killzor and Frost. Curtis approached Killzor, who was now lighting a cigar.

“Mista Killzaw is der gonna be no Chwistmus?” asked Curtis with big puppy dog eyes.

The rest of the children stared at Killzor with sad near tear expressions on their faces. Killzor looked around at the hall as he brandished his cigar. Part of him couldn’t really care but it was Christmas and his Santa program sub routine was active.


But this wasn’t helping as some of the kids began to weep. Killzor sighed and then his Santa program kicked in even more. He waltzed over to his rusty locker in the corner of the hall. Ripped off the lock and open the locker. He then procured his rocket launcher and loaded several rockets into it.


10-05-06, 21:50
Plaza sector 1 was crammed with consumers and a heavy sheet of snow. The people of Neocron bustled about in search of gifts and merriment. They shopped at Crytons, Archer and Wessen and any other place in the hope of finding presents for loved ones. But people were reluctant to enter the Medicare with its new Santa’s grotto. A child ran out screaming…

A single mother and her child entered the poorly decorated grotto adorned with spark plugs and faulty wiring, though it did have fairy lights. Sat in a rather large wooden chair, straining under his weight was a large metallic Santa.


“Hey your not Santa!” yelled the child.


“Don’t you dare speak to my son like that!” boomed the mother.


The mother went red with rage and stormed out with her son in toe.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS” yelled Killzor smirking with glee.

“Killzor!” shrieked the Medicare manager.

Killzor looked around, then looked up and finally looked down to see a small balding snivelling man in a stained white shirt with small tacky pens in his pocket. It was Mr. Delsy the Medicare manager and to put it bluntly he was rather annoyed. Delsy wiped his nose before any snot inhabited his bristly moustache.

“Killzor I’m getting a crap load of complaints about you and your act. We agreed you do the Santa thing, get customers, you recommend Medicare products and you get a paycheck for your worthless metal ass! Now I don’t wanna hear any more “Your Santa insulted my weight”, “Your Santa stole my wallet”, “Your Santa sold cigars to my kid”, “Your Santa threatened to stick a candy cane up my ass” or any shit like that! Do you understand!!!” yelled Desly in his puny and irritating voice.

“YES SIR” sighed Killzor.

Desly sternly walked out the grotto adjacent to the Medicare. A small queue of people was now waiting outside the grotto. Killzor reclined in his chair, which let out a creek. A family of three entered the grotto. Two rather extravagantly dressed parents with exquisite jewellery and a rather spoiled little girl whom in the eyes of her parents was a little princess.

“Oh how quaint darling” said the mother rather snobbishly.

“This is a shit hole!” cried the daughter.

“Now Isabel don’t use such coarse language like that. Why don’t you tell good old Saint Nick what you want for Christmas dear” said the father now retrieving a cigar from his lavish jacket.

Isabel approached the Santa with a frown on her face. She really wasn’t enjoying this. Killzor grinned trying to hold back the urge to go postal on the family.


“Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Mummy and Daddy will get my presents not some robot in cheap clothing. I guess I’ll see you next year recycled as a Christmas ornament” said Isabel snootily.

Killzor clenched his fist. He could test out the firing mechanism on his rocket launcher stashed in his sack of toys but thinking about the orphanage and his temp job he rejected the idea.

“And by the way you smell!” snorted Isabel.

“ER….HO HO THAT SURE IS FUNNY!” said Killzor with a false grin trying to hold back the rage. Killzor was almost trembling with a surge of power and anger.

“You know what else is funny your personality. Ha! Now that’s a joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if you worked as a trash collector for Daddies business” retorted Isabel.

Killzor leaned forward. He looked at Isabel sedated almost as if he was holding back something.


Isabel stood completely still. Her parent’s jaws dropped and their eyes bugged out. And Killzor just smirked. Killzor stood up, grabbed his sack of toys and prised the cigar from the father’s hand and began to smoke it.

“Where’s the manager!?” shrieked Isabel.

Desly ran into the grotto out of breath and breathing hard. Killzor walked out the grotto.

“I want that robot melted down and made into a hover cab!” cried out Isabel.

“Killzor! Do you have anything to say for yourself!” yelled Desly, his head sticking out the grotto.

Killzor stopped walking. He turned around. He smiled.



Killzor dropped his sack and withdrew his rocket launcher and fired a rocket. Desly and the pompous family dived out the grotto screaming as a rocket soared through the air and into the grotto. The explosion from the rocket ripped the pathetic grotto to shreds. The crowd of eager customers ran away in horror.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS” murmured Killzor.

Killzor trudged through the Plaza sector and made his way to Pepper Park. As Killzor walked through the Pepper Park an armour-clad figure came from out the shadows. It pounced at Killzor. Killzor noticing this pulled out his rocket launcher and pointed it at the assailant. Killzor suddenly stopped mid fight.

“REVAN!” exclaimed Killzor.

The armour-clad figure was indeed Revan looking like his usual rough self.

“Sorry if I startled you Killzor. Haven’t seen you in age’s man! What’s with the Santa outfit?”


“I’m practicing my skills man”


“No man. I’m practicing for the big Neofrag tournament. They’re doing team death matches this Christmas with prize money of one million credits. Just gotta get myself in a team and make my Christmas a merry one” said Revan excitedly.


“Yeah you could”


“I don’t think you’ll find hookers there. I hope not anyway”


“Hey sounds good” said Revan smiling.


“Why her?”


11-05-06, 01:58
I love you.

12-05-06, 08:27
excellent keep it coming Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssssse!!!

13-05-06, 11:44
Hey I found the old roleplay archives...and I found Jake Hard: Harder than Hard :D Again this story was never finished :rolleyes:

13-05-06, 11:45
Flashes of lightning illuminated the dark apartment held high in the plaza apartment blocks. A figure stood still looking out of the apartment window onto the streets of the plaza. His stern face appearing amongst the darkness for a short second with each flash of lightning. He adjusted his dark shades and straightened his suit. The suited man went by the name of Mr. Jones. An enigma of a man and a parasite on society. He was like the pubic hair found stuck on a toilet seat just before you’re about to use it. Mr. Jones was not alone. His right hand man Andrew Twink was in the room. Andrew approached Mr. Jones and stood next to him. He was admiring the same view Mr. Jones was.

“Mr. Jones sir everything is going to plan. The coding process is a bit time consuming but we shall have the project complete by the end of the month” said Andrew.

“Excellent soon Neocron’s fate will be sealed and I will have absolute power” said Mr. Jones with an evil grin.

“You mean WE will have absolute power don’t you?” said Andrew rather annoyed.

“Yes of course. When the time is right we shall strike a heavy blow to Neocron.”

“Brilliant sir simply brilliant”

“Oh and Andrew”

“Yes sir?”

“Can you get your hand off my crotch”

Smoke drifted up to skies from the remains of a demolished bunker. A warbot towered over it laughing manically and wielding its rocket launcher. But from the rubble of the bunker a power armour clad soldier hauled himself up and whipped out his plasma cannon. In just a heartbeat a burst of plasma fire ripped the warbot the pieces. The soldier breathed deep and looked into the distance.

“Hi! Theres nothing more refreshing than killing warbots than drinking WARBOT COLA! It gives me the energy to practically molest the things” The soldier stuck a can of warbot cola in view. With the following warning message spoken at high speed:

WARNING: Warbot Cola may cause bowel cancer, heart dieses, inflaming of membranes, internal bleeding, infertility, hair loss, bright green urine, anti-social behaviour, terrorism and the death of small puppies.

The screen went blank as Jake Hard turned off his computer terminal. He slumped himself down in his worn down leather chair. He stared at his ceiling and watched a bit of plaster fall onto the floor. Number 52 he mentally counted. He wondered if another piece would fall off bringing his count to 53. Then he realised that he had far too much time on his hands. Jake was bored. And horny. He was lucky if a woman sneezed on him let alone go to bed with him. He took a big sigh and twiddled his thumbs. Then there came a knock at the door.

Jake sprang into action, unfastening the locks on the door and opening it. He was a bit stunned to be greeted by a copbot. Jake was nervous. Maybe this was about downloading drom porn or kidnapping mutants and racing them in secret in the sewers. Jake tried to play it cool. The copbot cleared its metallic throat.


So this wasn’t about drom porn. Jake was relieved but at the same time quite down hearted at the death of his father. Sure his father was an idiot and an eccentric one at that who proclaimed he invented communism and that president Reza was actually a gold fish with a toupee but he cared about him.

“How did he die?” asked Jake rather glum.


“Shit what a way to go” said Jake with his eyes bulging from shock.

Later that day the funeral for jakes father took place. Jake put a cotton black sock down his trousers just for the occasion. It was a sad ordeal for Jake despite there being a big buffet afterwards. As he watched his fathers remains being buried into the cracked earth of the wastelands a hand touched his soldier. Jake turned round and saw a hooded elderly man with a grey wispy beard and a face tattoo.

“Jake its good to see you. I’m sorry about your father’s death. He was an idiot but a good man. Allow me to introduce myself my name is Arona Bedaal”

“Hi you here for the buffet or are you generally concerned about my dad?” said Jake rather pessimistically.

“Yes I am. Tell me what do you know about your mother?” asked Arona

“Oh I never really knew her. Dad said she was the bearded lady at the Neocron circus”

“Huh your father was a fool”

“The correct term is intellectual inadequate” politically corrected Jake.

“I knew your mother. She was a psi priestess and you have a the power of the psi within you”

“Is this the part where you sell me psi modules or x-ray specs”

“Come with boy” said Arona.

Arona took Jake to Tech Haven and went to the local bar there. They both sat by the bar and Jake drowned his sorrows in a glass of whiskey.

“You have the potential to become a powerful psi monk Jake. I myself am one” said Arona grinning.

“Is that so? prove it” said Jake sternly.

“Ha I can read minds. In fact I know you downloaded drom porn”


“And yes I know what you got up to with your cousin.

“Oh crap”

“And yes that mole on the back of your neck is cancerous”

“Wow your good okay I’m interested” said Jake rather impressed.

“Excellent and no that is not a colostomy bag in my pocket”

“Okay just get the hell out of my mind” said Jake rather freaked out.

Arona got off his bar stool and straightened his cloak.

“We must move at once Jake time is of the essence”

“Okay lets go then”

“And get that sock out of your trousers”


13-05-06, 11:46
The sun glistened through the windows of an immaculately clean apartment. The light brought in a majestic and happy glow, the potted plants gleamed in the light, it shone on a photo of a happy couple and even made the remains of a greasy barbequed rotting rat burger in the kitchen look good. The apartment was beautifully furnished with fine leather couches and other expensive ornaments. It was like something out of a fairy tale or some sort of furniture catalogue. On one of the couches sat a happy and loving couple who were holding hands and enjoying each other’s company. The man kissed the woman and all was well. The woman turned to the man and spoke softly:

“Oh darling I’m so bored”

“I as well my dear what ever shall we do” replied the man in a soothing well-mannered voice.

“We could go furniture shopping” suggested the woman.

“No we’ve done too much of that. I know sweetie lets kill people!”

“Oh yes darling what a splendid idea!”

“Come on get your coat and lets murder someone and innocent bystanders too!”

“I’ll bring plenty of ammo! Who the fuck cares if it’s illegal!”


The advertisement ended when Mr. Jones switched the large computer terminal off. He examined his holo discs with important data. He looked back at the terminal still thinking about the absurdity of the advert.

“Maybe I should destroy this decrepit hell hole” Mr. Jones murmured to himself.

“Aaawww didums what is it this time?” said Andrew coming into the darkened room carrying a tray of milk and cookies.

“Its nothing. And don’t call me didums!” said Mr. Jones

“Oh I’m sorry snuckums”

“Don’t call me that either!”

“Your not erm…ashamed about…us are you?” questioned Andrew.

“What er no…its just…er we don’t want it to effect the project”

“Well don’t worry we got top notch scientists from the Dome of York helping with the coding. Only a matter of time till everything is operational”

“Excellent. Now stop fondling my belt and get out and do something constructive!” yelled Mr. Jones

“Oh I hate it when you’re like this. Ok hun.” sulked Andrew.

“But er…leave the cookies and milk here”

On top of a large mountain in the mountainous region of the wastelands was a large building like some sort manner house. It was not marked on any maps and only few how to get there. Arona was one such person and he blind folded Jake and took him to this place. I’ll tell you something for nothing it was a long walk and taking a toilet break blindfolded is not easy.

The manor house was dark and foreboding and the interior was likewise. Jake’s blindfold was taken off and he found himself in what transpired to be some sort of sparring room. He was not alone, several psi monks were there practicing their fine skills. There were two monks deflecting bullets from an automatic turret, a young psi priestess melting a captured warbot with her mind and a small bald child bending spoons.

“Welcome to your new home Jake. These are other hopefuls who will excel their psionic limits” said Arona showing Jake around.

They both approached a young beautiful priestess who was practicing her skills. She was magnificent. Light golden hair, lushus red lips, entrancing eyes, firm hot breasts and basically a body that could make the psi monks give up celibacy and probably make a meaningful relationship with their hand if you catch my drift.

“Jake I want you to meet my daughter Serina” said Arona pointing at his beautiful daughter.

“Nice to meet you Serina” said Jake shaking her hand.

“Nice to meet you too and yes they are real” said Serina smiling.

“ Yep I can see the relation” said Jake rather coldly.

After much introducing with other monks and after a rather bizarre conversation with the bald headed boy Jake was to start training immediately. Jake was excited for once he become much more than a perverted detective. He was going to be a perverted detective with psi powers!

The sparring room was empty except for Arona meditating thinking about his pupils in his fine school and if atoms had whole galaxies inside them. But on Jakes mind was sex sex sex and training…then more thinking about sex. Jake was dressed in exquisite psi monk robes and strange pants specifically designed to hinder the act of stuffing socks down them. Jake approached Arona.

“Oh master Badaal I am ready to train”

Arona opened one eye then the other whilst raising an eyebrow at Jake.

“Huh? What you talking about” asked Arona grumpily.

“My training. You know become a psi monk read minds and do psi stuff. Hey can psi monks fly as well I always wondered if they could?”

“Depends how high you can throw them…erm training…er..”

Arona thought hard and wanted to sound wise and all knowing. He wanted to say “I can’t be bothered to train you yet” but not in so many words.

“You see my child the road to psionic grace is long and tasking but worthwhile. You must have a clear mind. But before you do you must clear your surroundings” said Arona pompously.

“What does that mean oh wise Arona?”

“It means grab a mop and clean the up the mess the over flowing clogged up toilet is making”


“Oh and the plunger is broken might wanna remove the sucker by hand….”

13-05-06, 11:48
Dust drifted about the empty dank streets of Pepper Park. It was a lonely place and no real signs of life were present. All except one homeless man hunched in the corner of an alleyway. He was jittery and wearing rags and his beard was crusty from his last meal of prune juice. He murmured to himself and fondled the pocket of his jacket. And from it withdrew a fluffy drom plush toy. He stroked it and cuddled it in a deranged state. The drom teddy spoke to him….

“AlFrEd YoU mUst MurDeR the WiKID SiNful PeoPle of Neocron”

“What? I can’t do that! No Mr. Bingles I cant I wont!” shouted Alfred.

“yOu mUSt cleAnsE tHe strEEtS with bLoOd! BENd ThE PeOple’s wIll lIKe yOu beND a baNaNa frUItcAke! SmiFFeS to the pEopLe of NeOcRon!” yelped the drom teddy with its puny voice.

“Smiffles indeed Mr. Bingles. But what of the cherished moon beings who will microwave my brain and feed it to the hippo whore of Babylon” questioned Alfred his eyes widening.

“A riSk yOu MuSt tAke reMeMbeR the wAyS of the fAnglE dOOs. MAy my wilL bE yoUr guIdE. Go foRtH and kiLL the cHildRen of NeOcron wiTh thEIr siNfuL waYs aNd siNFul toIleT hAbiTs!”

“Yes I see you are right. We must stab and stab! Gouge their eyes and eat their spleens!”


The advert came to a sudden halt and static wretched it apart. Soon all city com terminals in Neocron were crashing and malfunctioning. All propaganda was diminished in a few short seconds. This was a virus like no other. It reprogrammed hover cabs and instead of taking one family to Neocron Zoo took them to the Pussy Club making their children need years of therapy. The virus coerced its way to City Admin data banks rewriting files and cracking into president Reza’s large porn collection. Worst still it travelled across hack net and breached the Military Base security systems and unloaded unwanted data.

All the while Mr. Jones watched with a grin on his face. Everything was going to plan. His own personal army of hired thugs were with him as they watched city terminals turn to garbage and hover cabs fly into buildings all from the safe spot of Mr. Jones’ apartment.

“Gentlemen the time has come to take control of Neocron. Dome of York has been informed and their elite military forces are making their way here to conquer Neocron. The virus is also taking control of the Military Base it wont be long till their missiles belong to us!” said Mr. Jones enjoying his handy work.

“Oh I hope you boys like milk and cookies I brought enough for everyone! This terrorism is tiring work isn’t it?” said Andrew carrying a large plate of milk and cookies into the room and distributing them amongst the hardened thugs.

“Andrew stop it your embarrassing me amongst my hired goons” whimpered Mr. Jones.

Meanwhile at the Military Base command centre the Mercs were frantically trying to stop the coffee vending machine from taking over the facility. Already it had turned a Merc into a frappuccino without provocation and a squad of Mercs had barricaded themselves in the command centre watching their computer terminals churning out internet spam. In the squad was Commander Ventrue an insane military commander, the fruity copbot Krysm and a puny vending machine repairman.

“All right guys I don’t know how long we can hold out against that thing. But if it gets in it won’t last long. I’ve strapped a twelve-megaton explosive device onto my backpack. Soon as that thing tries to distribute a beverage Ill nuke it!” said Commander Ventrue nursing his coffee burns.

The big sealed doors of the command centre started to bang as the vending machine rammed into them. Each bang made the repairman shake and soil his underwear.

“I hope you got that detonator ready sir?” yelled the repairman.

“Huh? Detonator?” said Commander Ventrue puzzled.

“You know thing that sets off the bomb!”

“You need one of those for this thing?”


“Oh shit….I didn’t think I needed one. I wish I hadn’t traded one in for a pack of playing cards now”

The doors banged louder and louder. Krysm was typing extremely fast at the computer terminals trying to figure out the spam and control the spread of the virus. The firewalls were down and the pop up blocker disabled.

“Well sir I’ve come to conclusion that we got a virus” said Krysm nodding her head at the screen.

“No shit Einstein. What’s with all the spam? What does this virus want?” said Commander Ventrue hauling himself over to the terminal.

“Well sir its asking us if we want to enlarge our penis”

13-05-06, 11:49
High in the mountains amongst the howling winds was the secret psi training facility. It was a huge building and perched on its landing bay was a hover carrier poised for action. In the main hall of the facility the pupils gathered to discuss the strage goings on in Neocron and their own school. The psi monks were worried and paranoid of the electronics breaching the hall. Already a refridgerator had claimed the life of a psi monk and turned him into a meat popsicle. The psi monks muttered to themselves and staying clear of anything electrical. A faint buzzing could be heard.

"Oh shit! The vibrator is here!" shouted a psi monk.

The psi monks ran around the hall screaming in fright as a vibrator leapt from the shadows and attacked an unsuspecting psi monk. Arona soon blasted the little sucker with a psi blast. The psi monks calmed down and composed themselves. The psi monks took their seats near a an emaculate table. At the head of the table was Arona rather worried and fiddling with his cloak.

"As we all know this virus is unrelenting in its attack. Even know Neocron is defenceless and intelligence reports that a large army of Dome troopers will arrive at Neocron's gates. We know that the virus is being transmitted from inside Neocron and that is where your training comes in. We need a small group to take the hover carrier and infiltrate Neocron. Find the virus beacon and stop it. Who wants to go?" said Arona looking at his pupils.

Everyone at the table looked at the molested corpse of the vibrator victim and shuddered. Not surprising no one volunteered.

"Okay okay. What about you Bill?" asked Arona.

Bill looked around nervously.

"What! Me! I cant! I have a wife and three kids!" he shouted nervously.

"No you dont"

"Okay I have a mail order wife and the kids aren't mine"

"I'll go" said Serina raising her hand.

Sitting at the table was one Jake Hard who was wondering where the hell the vibrator came from. But he was also thinking that maybe just maybe if he went on the mision Serina might think he was manly. Really manly. The kind with huge biceps. And a nice perly white smile. And oiled nipples. Jake soon realised he was thinking of men when when he was supposed to be thinking of her. He slapped himself. He fell out of his chair.

"Jake will you go to Neocron?" said Arona pointing at Jake who was stumbling back on to his feet.

Everyone starred at Jake.

"Yeah sure. Sorry I wasn't paying attention I was thinking of oily men.....oh shit...."

Meanwhile at the Military Base Commander Ventrue, Krysm and a repairman by the name of Gil were in the command centre that was blocked off to a rather irrate coffee vending machine. Krysm was watching the system slowly being taken over by the virus. Ventrue looked down the barrel of his rifle with the safety off to see if it was working okay. And the repairman sobbed like a little girl in the corner of the room. The vending machine was pounding at the barracaded door some more.

"Who wants to play a game of cards?" said Ventrue with a big grin.

Gil stood up and walked out of his corner to Commander Ventrue.

"A virus is spreading through the system. A vending machine is trying to kill us. We are low on ammo. And YOU wanna play cards!" said Gil angrily.

"Well yeah. There nude cards if it helps"

"Unbelievable! Who put you in charge?!"

"A drunk now let me shuffle-"

Before Ventrue could shuffle his cards the vending machine smashed through the door. Gil quivered in fright and grabbed his trusty baseball bat. Krysm stopped typing at the computer terminals.

"You aint taking me alive you coffee making bastard!" yelled Gil charging at the machine with his baseball bat.

The vending machine quickly squirted a huge stream of flesh burning hot coffee at Gil. Gil screamed out in pain, his flesh dripping from the bone. He slunk to the floor burnt and dead. The vending machine lurched towards Commander Ventrue and readied its next brew.

"Sooooo....do you wanna play a game of cards?"

13-05-06, 12:41
Meanwhile at the Military Base command centre the Mercs were frantically trying to stop the coffee vending machine from taking over the facility.

Reminds me of a Roger Ramjet episode, lol.

05-06-06, 20:38
Again, another story I didn't complete


The bleak neon glow of degrading signs flitted in Pepper Park. A lone figure walked down the dusty trash ridden alleys of the sector. The figure approached a nearby lamp post. He leant on it and looked up at the cold dark sky. He began to sing to himself.

"When evil threatens all life
And peril and danger is rife
When everything is at stake
They send in me, good ol’ Jake

Because I’m Hard yes I’m Hard so very very Hard!
Do you want proof? Have my business card!

I am fumbling I am bumbling
My sex life is crumbling
I’m horny and I’m corny
As I’m sure you’ve heard the story

I maaaaybe a slob
But that doesn’t stop meeeeeeee
From a doing a half-assed job!

Because I’m Hard yes I’m Hard as I’m sure you know!
I’ll take any lady I can get I’m always good to go!

I am a detective of a sexual perverted kind
But I have always kicked any villains behind
I take my time with every single case
And still prove myself to be a public disgrace!

Because I’m Hard yes I’m Hard can you not see!
I am Jake Hard and Jake Hard- is -me!"

Jake with all him excitement rushed down to the pussy club to score. But as usual Jake failed. He always did. Down hearted he collected a bottle of whisky from his local snacks bar and retired to his crummy appartment. When he reached his appartment he had drunk the entire whisky, clumsily broke the door getting in and flopped onto his bed. It creaked under his weight.

Just as Jake was about to catch some Z's then molest them in his wet dreams, there was a knock at the door. Jake wearily got up and opened the door.

Jake saw standing there a plump old man with a withering grey moustache and a bald spot.

"Oh thank goodness its you Mr. Hard" he exclaimed

"What do you want?" said Jake grogilly.

"My name is Malcolm Cob. I need you help my daughter is wanted by a leader of a drugs gang....." before Malcolm could finish Jake was already closing his broken door.

"Wait please hear me out!" cried Malcolm.

"Ok buddy I'm listening"

"Heeee was a man of ill repute
And after a long and laborious dispute
He shot my daughter’s fiancé dead
And forced her to give him head

But she managed to escape his evil grasp
And with her fist firmly clasped
Punched him square in the jaw
And as he fell to the floor

She ran and she raaaaaan

So Mr. Hard-"

Please call me Jake

I really can’t care for goodness sake!

Listen I need you to protect my daughter
Someone neeeeds toooo save her!

Listen bub it’s a job for City Mercs

Tried ‘em they’re just petty minded jerks

What I need is a man like you
Who knows he has a job to do
Please you must do this for meee
If not for my daughter……
She still has her virginity!

Well now you’ve got yourself a deeeeal
It’s in my power I do feeeeel
To stop this mad man! This psychopath!For he will feel my almighty wrath!
He will feel the might of a man who sings!
And with your daughter I’ll break a few bedsprings!

Oh my

Curtain Drops

25-12-06, 18:51
Nearly a year ago i wrote a script for Gunnar Aegirson for a movie about his clan F.E.T.I.S.H. It was going to be filmed and editing using neocron footage and voice acting. However, the plan fell through and Gunnar has also left NC.

But I bring you the poorly created script so you cna have an insight into the film that never was.


25-12-06, 18:52
n a drug and boozed filled Tech Haven apartment Brammers, Cmaster and Gunnar Aegirson wake up after a hard night of partying.

Brammers: [looking around] Aw man my head what happened?

Gunnar: We’re in Tech Haven…deep underground far away from any vegetation…so can someone tell me where the fuck this cactus came from?

[Shot of cactus]

Cmaster: Woah dude ya know it’s been a good party when ya wake up with a cactus.

Gunnar: Er guys mind telling me why we have a dead stripper in here?!

[Shot of dead stripper]

Brammers: Oh my! This is not good.

Cmaster: Woah dude ya knows its been a good party when a person dies.

Gunnar: Shut up Cmaster! Damn let’s hide the body.

Cmaster: Yo man you should like hide it under ya mattress, that’s where I put my stash and no one ever finds it man.

Brammers: I do believe a stripper is going to be harder to conceal under a mattress than a mere stash of drugs.

Gunnar: Screw this, pack your shit were getting out of here, Tech Haven security is going to be on our ass in no time.

Cmaster: [standing over corpse] Oh man I love it when they lie still like that.

Gunnar: Cmaster! Now is NOT the time!

[Characters load up guns and run out of the apartment, followed by a fade to black]

Next scene is set on the scummy streets of Dome of York. A drug dealer is hanging around. Sweet Leaf approaches him.

Sl: Hey I’ve told you not to hang around here peddling your wares.

Dealer: Yo look I need da cash you know how it is, nothing wrong with selling drugs.

Sl: No excuse! You know what happens when you disobey FETISH’s laws….

Dealer: Please I’m sorry…I wont do it again.

Sl: [pulls out baseball bat] Ya see this?

Dealer: Oh please I’m sorry.

Sl: I’m gonna stick this up your ass.

Dealer: Oh please no!

Sl: Sideways.

Dealer: No! NOOO AAAAHHHHHHH [runs away]

Sweet Leaf strolls to the FETISH apartment. She enters and is greeted by Brammers, Gunnar and Cmaster.

Sl: Hey what you guys doing here? You run out of lube or something you queers?

Gunnar: We are in deep shit Sweet Leaf; we woke up with a dead stripper in our apartment and we’re on the run from the cops.

Sl: Well you better lay low for a while.

Cmaster: Woah man there’s like so many drugs here [looks at huge pile of drugs]

Gunnar: You stay away from them; we don’t want any more dead strippers.

Brammers: or cacti.

Gunnar: or cacti.

Brammers: [sitting a computer] I hacked into the City Admin police department. Er…we’re suspects in the murder.

Sl: Well pack ya soap queers ya going to prison.

Shot of the TH apartment with cops surrounding the dead stripper

Detective: Okay what we got here Lieutenant?

L: We have a stripper; female age 23 goes by the name Scarlet. Several entry wounds.

Detective: Entry wounds?

L: This must be the first murder case I’ve seen where the victim has been… butt fucked to death.

Detective: Holy shit. We got some right sickos running around. We got any leads?

L: Three men were seen vacating the premises; we have identified them on the security cameras as Brammers, Cmaster and Gunnar Aigerson. Unfortunately we are unable to locate them at this time.

Detective: You just do your job I’ll do mine. Looks like the hunt is on [loads gun]

Back at the FETISH apartment.

Gunnar: Right ok we gotta think of a way out of this situation.

Cmaster: I have a few suggestions….

Gunnar: No! Not from you.

Brammers: [at computer] Hhhhmm something does not seem right about this. I’m sure someone else was with us last night.

Gunnar: I…think there was, but my memory is still fuzzy.

[Explosion at the door a spiky haired spy with a rocket launcher comes in….]

Spy: What did you bastards do to her!

Cmaster: Oh shit man it must be that stripper’s boyfriend!

Gunnar: Look man we don’t know what happened….

Spy: I bet you didn’t you motherfucker!

Gunnar: Just calm down and put the gun down.

Spy: You took her away from me now you die…

Cmaster: Woah man take a chill pill….

Gunnar: We are sorry we killed her…

Spy: You killed her????

Gunnar: Err yeah we thought you knew.

Spy: She’s dead you bastards!

Gunnar: Sorry we have no recollection of what happened.

Spy: No you bastard. She was so prickly and warm…

Gunnar: Err what?

Spy: Cacty…you killed her.

Cmaster: Cacty…that cactus.

Brammers: Cacti

Gunnar: You stupid son of a bitch! You here about that stupid fucking cactus!

Sweet Leaf whacks Spy out with a baseball bat

Sl: The crazy ones drop so easily.

Brammers: How did he know we were here?

Gunnar: I don’t know but we’re obviously not safe here. We gotta keep moving we are wanted criminals now.

Brammers: Since when have we not been?

Sl: You fags get going I’ll see what I can get out of prick lover here.

25-12-06, 18:53
Shot of Crahn church then shot of interior. A cloaked psi monk approaches a uncloaked psi monk from behind and kneels.

Monk: Father Dread the infidels are still alive and have not been caught.

Dread: Unfortunate, but all is not lost. Our time is coming; we will exploit the weaknesses of our enemies and take the power back.

Monk: Crahn be praised father.

Dread: Crahn be praised.

Pepper Park streets Brammers is at a city comm, while Cmaster and Gunnar loiter about.

Brammers: Sweet Leaf sent me a message. Apparently our cacti loving friend was tipped off about our where abouts from a City Admin police officer who said he would pay him handsomely for killing us and would have a special place in the Crahn Sect.

Gunnar: How the hell did she get all that from him?

Brammers: Well near the end of the message she did ask if we could get her a new baseball bat.

Gunnar: Huh that explains it then.

Cmaster: Yo dudes I just had a thought.

Gunnar: There’s a first.

Cmaster: Ok ok listen to this. On the night of the party we were here in Pepper Park, right…

Gunnar: Yes.

Cmaster: But we can’t remember much after that right.

Gunnar: Yes.

Cmaster: So like all we gotta do is get just as drunk as the night before to relive that night and such and like we’ll be able to retrace our steps.

Gunnar: Cmaster

Cmaster: Yo

Gunnar: You’re an idiot.

Brammers: Hold on Gunnar it is crazy enough to work. We might be able to bring back the subconscious drunken memories and figure out what happened that night.

Cmaster: Alright the Brammeister agrees with me. Ok lets go get drunk.

Gunnar: I got a better idea. YOU get drunk and we’ll follow you around.

Cmaster: Ok man what ever just as long as I get drunk.

Shot City Admin office and a cop is getting a blow job from some women. There is a knock at the door, it’s the detective from part 1.

Cop: Er…er…coming…heh heh.

Door opens and cop talks with detective at the door.

Cop: What is it Johnson? How many times have I told you not to interrupt me when I’m interviewing promising young cadets! This better be important, I’m talking you found an assassination attempt on president Reza important.

Detective: While going through City Admin database I found files on money transactions with the Crahn Sect.

Cop: Shit ya didn’t find the bill for anus cream on the data base did ya?

Detective: Er no.

Cop: Oh good.
Detective: Any way I think the high ups are going to be concerned that we have been funding the Crahn sect, or well appear to be. Not only that but military strategies and blue prints have been copied at sent to Crahn.

Cop: Yu huh, well I look into it but right now I gotta cadet I gotta look into. See ya.

Door closes

Detective: Asshole.

Shot of Cmaster at the Pussy Club with Gunnar and Brammers, he is surrounded by a lot of booze.

Brammers: Ok Cmaster what can you remember about that dreadful night of partying?

Cmaster: I remember…I remember…

Brammers: Yes?

Cmaster: I remember…it was AWESOME MAN!

Gunnar: For fucks sake!

Brammers: We might as well give up.

Cmaster: Wait…hey…that night…

Flashback of the trio at a bar with booze and drugs. Shot of Cmaster at a flower shop with the crazy spy looking at a cactus. Shot Brammers fucking a drom. Shot of Gunnar with some claws and the crucified girl. Shot of all three getting a oral sex. Various shots of strippers with ones of Average Joe in between. Back to present.

Cmaster: Whoa man where’s Joe?

Brammers: Joe…joe…

Gunnar: Joe!

Brammers: Average Joe!

Gunnar: He was with us that night. He came for a few drinks.

Cmaster: Yeah that’s right. Such a dude.

Brammers: He’ll know what happened he was the only sober one there.

Cmaster: But where the fuck is he? We better find him….

25-12-06, 18:54
A shot of the room in the industrial sector with the boxes filled with guns. Father Dread and Average Joe are there.

AJ: Here ya go enough weapons to take on practically anything.

Father Dread: Soon the infidels will feel the might of Crahn. Has there been any word on our troublesome trio?

AJ: Not yet, but we got operatives destabilising every other faction and clan that will pose a threat.

Father Dread: Crahn be praised, Crahn be praised.

Cut to Cmaster, Gunnar and Brammers in Pepper park.

Brammers: It doesn’t make sense why anyone would want to frame us with a dead stripper.

Gunnar: Who would butt fuck a stripper to death? Why I am even asking that bizarre question?

Brammers: What ever the case maybe, the clans we’re associated with are in jeopardy.

Gunnar: I think FETISH can hold their own.

Cut to FETISH apartment two FETISH members are enjoying a beer. Pick any members you like.

Member 1: Ah nothing beats a good beer.

Member 2: yeah, I touch children.

Member 1: What! Ya don’t like beer!

Member 2: No, no. I said I touch children.

Member 1: Oh, well that’s ok then. For a minute there I thought ya said ya didn’t like beer. Thought there was something wrong with ya, like ya a freak or something.

Sweet leaf enters

SL: Will you fags get off ya candy asses and fortify the place. I got a message from Gunnar saying expect trouble.

Member 1: WHAT! Ya don’t like beer!

SL: I said expect trouble numb nuts. Now do think my bat should have lube or without.

Member 2: Without.

SL: I thought so too.

Cut to Revan’s apartment in Viarosso. Inside a guy is sat in a chair, all the while Revan is playing Stuck in the middle with you and wielding a stiletto. The door bell rings.

Revan: Aww hell who could that be?

Opens door, greeted by trio.

Revan: Hey Gunnar, Brammers and….er….

Cmaster: I’m called Cmaster.

Revan: I’ll just call you Dick. Anyway what you guys need?

Gunnar: Info. Do you have any files on Average Joe, like place of residency, that kind of shit.

Revan: Huh, lemme check.

Goes off to computer. Cmaster looks at the guy in the chair.

Cmaster: Woah man, this looks like a funky version of musical chairs.

Revan: Bingo. Here is his address, I put in this datacube.

Brammers: Thank you very much Revan.

Revan: Hey catch me later I’ll buy you a beer.

Cut to Average Joe surrounded by ladies and strippers in his apartment.

AJ: So anyway, in the next couple of weeks I’m gonna be pretty famous. In that time I’m gonna need a lot of groupies, yet, only a few of you can be my bitches. So, you’re going to have to persuade me which one of you is gonna be with the Joemeister.

Door bell rings. AJ opens the door, Gunnar points a gun at him.

AJ: Woah! Easy on the trigger slick.

Gunnar: Joe, you gotta help us.

AJ: Sure man what can I do for you guys.

Gunnar: We’ve been set up, Admin found a dead stripper in our party apartment and now we are on the run.

AJ: Well clearly you are innocent men.

Cmaster: Yeah man, it’s like this…we remembered you from the night of the party.

AJ: Yes I helped to sober you guys up if I remember. Listen I have to clear you guys of the charges, clearly a mistake has been made.

Brammers: Thank goodness someone is helping us.

AJ: Ok meet at the industrial sector. I’ll have admin officials escort you from there to a witness relocation centre.

Cmaster: Will there be booze?

AJ: Er…sure.

Trio leave and talk on the way.

Brammers: Finally, progress is being made. Soon I can get back to Phoenix Limited and start business again when this has all blown over.

Cmaster: And I can start getting back to my business if ya know what I mean, man.

Gunnar: I don’t know guys, something doesn’t feel right. Something feels wrong. More wrong that calling out mom while having sex with ya girlfriend.

Cmaster: Man we’ll worry about it later. Come on lets go to the industrial sector.

At the industrial sector the trio find AJ alone, or so it seems. A swarm of armed Power armoured clad assassins destealth and point guns at the three.

AJ: Hold it right there.

Cmaster: It’s about time you City Admin showed up. So like anyway do we get money or hookers or like both for clearing our names.

AJ: Fool, I don’t actually work for Admin, I’m merely exploiting this position for power.

Cmaster: You could of just said no, man.
Gunnar: I think I can honestly say; I told ya so.

Father dread appears.

Father Dread: Well done my acolyte.

Gunnar: Who the fuck are you?

Father Dread: I am Father Dread Magorian, priest of the Crahn Sect. I was hoping that the real City Admin would of have found you and executed you, but you have lead yourselves to us, and that is so much worse.

Brammers: Well you’ve got us outnumbered and outgunned, suppose you’re going to tell us your plans.

Father Dread: Of course, what kind of cliché villain would I be if I didn’t? Gentlemen, the time of cleansing is upon us. Soon the Crahn Sect will be in a position of power and we will destroy all our enemies.

Gunnar: Good for you, but what have we got to do with your plans for world domination?

Father Dread: You and Brammers are members of two powerful clans. If war was to commence your clans would supply armaments and troops to fight against us. But with out leadership they would destabilize. So, I had Average Joe frame you, knowing that Admin would hunt you down and your clan’s morale would be destroyed.

Gunnar: I think its boosted moral in my clan.

Cmaster: Hey, since I’m not involved in any of this I guess I can go.

Father Dread: You an unexpected bystander. You have seen too much though, and you, like the others, will die horrible in the pits of despair. Take them away; I must prepare the troops for war.

Cut to the trio in the pit of despair ( an outzone storage dungeon).

Cmaster: Oh man this sucks!

Brammers: As long as we are here we can’t stop the upcoming war!

Gunnar: Ssshhh guys, did you hear that?

Roar of a doom reaper storming through some big doors.

Cmaster: Like you guys see that thing, right. I’m not like high on my supply, right?

Gunnar: Guys you distract him, I’ll try and find a way out.

Brammers: hey over here!

Cmaster: Hey man over here I taste like a burrito!

Brammers: The only way out is through the doors he came through. Ill draw him away.

Doom reaper kills Brammers, cmaster and gunnar run through the doors. They reach a room which looks like an outpost underground. The Gr is surrounded by skeletons and dead bodies.

Cmaster: Alright man we can teleport out of here.

Gunnar: I don’t think it’s safe, I mean look at all those human remains.

Cmaster: what? Man I think that’s…like…just decoration.

Gunnar: The thing looks faulty and….

Doors open, a black pe pa wearer with a laserblade enters.

Cmaster: Woah man someone is gonna get sued.

Gunnar: Ah screw it!

Gunnar gene reps

25-12-06, 18:54
Shots of pale spy with suit and crue cut intermingled with shots of MC5 and Neocron.

G-man: Rise and shine Mr. Aigerson, rise and shine. Not that I’m implying you’ve been sleeping on the job. The right man in the right place can make all the difference in the world. So wake up, wake up and smell the ashes. (Basically the half-life 2 intro done in Nc)

Shot of Gunnar getting off a subway at the plaza station, it’s crowded. Copbot Pa wearers are about with baseball bats. Drones float about looking at people.

Copbot 1: you citizen pick up that can. Copbot to a a badly clothed person, shot of warbot cola can on floor.

Gunnar: what kind of crazy place is this?

Copbot2: you citizen come with me! Copbot to Gunnar
Gunnar is taken into a room with a big computer. Shot of gunnar as he hears zipper being undone. The copbot is revan in disguise.

Revan: Now about that beer I owe you. Relax Gunnar it’s me Revan. Look sorry about that I had to put on a show for the cops.

Gunnar: What the hell is going on?

Revan: I don’t have time to explain, you need to get out of the city.

Gunnar: But I was just in the pit of despair!

Revan: That was 2 months ago. Get moving; go through the old sewers net works; you need to get to tech haven.

Gunnar runs away, he goes into the plaza streets, a rhino is parked nearby with cops beatings someone while psi cloaked figures watch. Gunnar goes into the sewer and is chased by drones. He goes deeper into the sewers. Some copbots find him and a copbot knocks out Gunnar with his bat. We have a first person shot of this and everything goes black. But we can here Sweat Leaf crying “ ha no you don’t” and we hear beating sounds and someone screaming “Ah my ass!” We then see sweat leaf with a bat.

SL: Gunnar!

Gunnar: hey Sweet Leaf.

SL: Crap we better get you out of here.

Cut to a long shot of tech haven, then an interior shot of FETISH’s secret rebel apartment.

SL: Hey guys look who I found wondering the sewers.

Iron: Gunnar Aigerson! is that really you?

Gunnar: What the hell has happened?

Revan: Oh it’s bad. When you disappeared the Crahn Sect started an all out war. Now they own Neocron, Military Base and Dome of York. And tech haven is abandoned, well, supposedly.

Sweet Leaf: We are all that’s left of FETISH. Now we stay here trying to rebel against the Crahn Sect. It was a terrible war Flashback

”When you disappeared there was anarchy on the streets, Crahn had fully armed troops and large numbers, Admin was no match for them. With a large army, Father Dread and his second in command, Average Joe, journeyed to the Military base. It is there where they harnessed the power of the big yellow ball. With this power Crahn destroyed any resistance and took control of City Admin. Crahn sect now owns the copbots. But we at FETISH gave them hell, we set wave after wave of ugly hookers at them, but even fat unattractive hookers couldn’t stop the might of Crahn. Hundreds were enslaved and brainwashed. Now FETISH is what stands in Crahns way of complete domination.”

Gunnar: Damn. I knew that gene replicator was faulty, but did it really have to take 2 months to teleport me.

SL: But its okay now coz your back!

Iron: Wooh! Let the orgy commence!

Gunnar: Yep its good to be back.

25-12-06, 18:56
Shot of Temple of cleansing fire and Average Joe with the crucifix girl.

AJ: So, baby! Ready for the Joemeister?


AJ: Your silence says it all…you want me


AJ: Awww baby why ya gotta give me the silent treatment.

Father Dread: [Catching AJ] Joe… why is it that our surveillance drones have footage of….Gunnar Aegirson?

AJ: What! I dunno anything about that!

Father Dread: Crahn dammit! I thought he died in the pit of despair, now he lives. We will find him, I am sure of this.

Cut to Gunnar with Packin Pe in the rebel tech haven base surrounded by a workbench, tools and loads of dead copbots.

Gunnar: Sooooo, what ya doing?

PP: Oh, I’m reprogramming copbots that were once under the control of the Crahn Sect, and using them to reinforce our own troops.

Gunnar: Any luck?

PP: I’ve had limited success.

Gunnar: This one looks ready for battle [looks at a copbot standing near the workbench]

Copbot: I give good head sucky sucky

Gunner: Er…what?

PP: Yeah I’m still working on that one.

Little terror appears.

LT: Yo guys we got a mission briefing

At the rebel meet room FETISH are gathered around a table.
Sweet Leaf: Okay we all know why we are here?

Iron: Yeah you promised us pie

Sweet Leaf: Well, that was just an incentive to get you queers here.

Iron: So there’s no pie?

Sweet Leaf: Not as such, but what I’m offering is the chance to get the pie of freedom!

Iron: I wanted pie not metaphors!

Revan: Just shut up fuck face and listen to our plan!

Sweet Leaf: Okay, now that we have Gunnar back with us we have been able to rally more troops; apparently Gunnar’s return has stirred up the Crahn sect. What we are planning is big. Neocron is a fortress to the Crahn sect; it has a vast security network, anti defence drones and copbots. Yet they are all powered by Neocron’s reactor core. What I suggest is that me and Gunnar sneak into reactor complex in disguise, set explosive charges, retreat to a safe distance, detonate and then begin an assault on Neocron.

Gunnar: This is suicidal.

Sweet Leaf: And?

Gunnar: Well I got no other plans.

Sweet Leaf: Ok, this is it. We will deal a deadly blow to Crahn, the battle will be brutal but you will no longer be fags, but heroic fags! Any questions?

Copbots: Sucky sucky!

Cut to most of FETISH armed to the teeth outside the gates of NC.

Iron: I’m scared Revan. I think I soiled myself.

Revan: What! When you soil yourself, you soil the pride of FETISH. If we get out of this alive, I’ll kill you.

LT: I hope Gunnar and Sweet Leaf are ok.

Cut to Gunnar and SL dressed as cloaked monks walking about the reactor complex.

Gunnar: Man it’s hot in this thing. And the trousers really rise up ya crotch.

Sweet Leaf: Stay in character the administrators coming.

Administrator: Blessed be my children, and why do you grace the reactor today?

Sweet Leaf: Me and this queer- er…brother are here to do maintenance on the reactor.

Admin: I’m sorry but only the most devoted of Crahn may visit the reactor.

Gunnar: we are devoted.

Sweet Leaf: Oh totally! If…like er Father Crahn were still alive, I’d be licking his balls right now.

Admin: Oh…well that seems a little too devoted but you seem sincere. Go my children and do your work.

Sweet Leaf: Alright lets get to work.

Cut to father Dread and AJ in the Crahn Church. The admin visits them.

Admin: Father have you condoned any maintenance tasks on Neocron’s reactor?

Father Dread: Indeed I have not, acolyte.

Admin: Strange, two monks claimed to be doing maintenance work on it. I thought should check with you.

Father Dread: this seems suspicious.

Admin: My staff has tried to interfere but they are told, and I quote,”Back off you Crahn faggots”.

Father Dread: Joe, arm a squad of acolytes. We will investigate.

Cut to Gunnar and SL out of the Crahn cloaks standing near the reactor with trash grenades dotted around the core.

Gunnar: So good to be out of those cloaks. Hurry up with the timer.

SL: Woah ya can’t rush this. If I don’t arm this right the reactor will go off prematurely and we’ll have peeling skin, hair loss and a genitals that look like mouldy fruit.

Father Dread: But I can make you suffer worse fates. [ Father Dread enters with armed guards]

Cut to FETISH troops waiting, one trop exclaims “they are taking to long come on they must of fucked up lets attack”. Then got nuts with a NC pvp video showing off FETISH. Cut back to the reactor.

Father Dread: You are idiots! The reactor is highly unstable, if it were to explode it would destroy all of Neocron and much more!
Gunnar: Well you guys better put the gun away or we detonate.

SL: er Gunnar, I haven’t got the detonator connected.

Gunnar: shhh!

Father Dread: Men draw your wep-

Gunnar: Wait! [draws gun] I can still start a reaction if I shoot it.

Father Dread: You don’t have the guts!

Trooper: [Rushing in] father Neocron is under attack by FETISH but they are no match for our defences!

Father dread: excellent, you have failed Gunnar.

Gunnar: don’t be so sure… [ shoots reactor]

Alarms sound and a huge white flash encompasses the screen with the sound of nuclear fallout. Screen goes black, then big red letter appear saying SERVER ROLLBACK.

25-12-06, 18:56
Shot of Brammers, Cmaster and Gunnar in PepperPark.

Cmaster: I’ll take care of business if ya know what I mean, man.

Gunnar: Holy shit! I’m back!

Brammers: er…what?

Cmaster: Woah man maybe he came back from like a trip or something, hey I think I’m coming back down to Earth.

Gunnar: It’s like Armageddon never happened…

Brammers: Mr. Aegirson are you feeling ok?

Gunnar: Wait, this has happened already…we’re on our way to industrial….which means there’s still time!

Cmaster: You’re right man! I’ll got get some of my stash and…

Gunnar: No! Not that! Ok I’m gonna get in contact with FETISH, it’s time to stop Crahn.

Gunnar runs off.

Cut to industrial sector with Dread and Average Joe waiting for the trio.

Father Dread: Strange, I feel a sense of déjà vu.

AJ: It’s probably indigestion. I’ll go see if our friends are here yet.

The trio are greeted by AJ just like in part 3, only this time…

AJ: H—

Gunnar: FIRE!

FETISH appear and fire at AJ and the decloaking assassins. AJ runs.

Father Dread: What is going on?

AJ: Er….Gunnar came with reinforcements.

Father Dread: Well then we must fight the infidels.

AJ: Er…yeah….good luck with that…[runs away]

Father Dread: Joe you coward! You have no backbone! [Hears gun shots]….mommy [runs]

Shots of FETISH taking on assassins. Cut to Cmaster alone somewhere in the industrial sector. Vader Pe shows up.

Cmaster: Woah man…I feel like I know you somehow….like cosmically, maybe we should be friends.

Vader Pe draws laserblade but is quickly shot down by Gunnar.

Gunnar: Did ya see father dread?

Cmaster: Who? Hey man I’m lost.

Gunnar: Never mind [runs off]

Cut to AJ alone somewhere in the industrial sector.

AJ: I think I’ll lay low for a while.

AJ heads towards and exit but a fat hooker is there.


He walks away only to be confronted by another. Turns. Another is there. He runs away only to be greeted by more. And more ganging up on him. He is surrounded. He looks to the sky.


Cut to Gunnar finding Dread at a generep. He fires at father dread but misses.

Father Dread: You win this round Gunnar but you have not seen the last of me [genereps]

Cut to the pussy club, all of FETISH, and guests, are there celebrating.

Sweet Leaf: How did ya know Crahn was plotting something?

Gunnar: Lets just say it was a feeling.

Detective from part1 and 2: Well thanks to you we found out who’s been supplying Crahn with armaments. Average Joe is safely behind bars now and all thanks to FETISH.

Gunnar: Don’t thank us, thank working girls who were born ugly.

Detective: The charges have been dropped against you and your friends Mr. Aegirson; you’ve done admin a good service. Crahn will no longer pose a threat to Neocron.

Gunnar: Glad I could help, now you go help yourself to some of our girls, it’s on the house.

G-man approaches Gunnar.

g-man: the right man in the right place can make all the difference…

Gunnar: Shut up!

g-man: I just wanted attention….Be thankful I allowed you to be transferred to this time line.

Gunnar: Who are you?

Flash of white, G-man is Krysm in disguise.

Gunnar: krysm?

Krysm: Couldn’t let my favourite buddy in the whole wide world get toasted.

Gunnar: Thanks.

Krysm: no problem, hey are those drugs.

Cmaster: yeah help yaself magic lady!

Brammers: I do believe I’m drunk, come on everybody get drunk! You too Gunnar!

Cmaster: Hey man I’m up for that.

Gunnar: Here we go again………

Cut to AJ in outzone jail.

AJ: Well its not all bad here…ladies, booze…I could be happy.

We hear Dread’s voice from somewhere. “don’t be so sure”

AJ: Dread?

Father Dread: You have failed me….[appears]

AJ: I’m sorry Father so very sorry.

Father Dread: You have let FETISH get the upper hand. Next time, and there will be a next time, I will not allow mistakes like this happen again.

AJ: Mistakes?

Father Dread: Mistakes like you. I have brought you a nice roommate for your incarceration here. You will wish you received the death sentence you impudent worm. [He leaves]

AJ: Roommate? [Turns around to be confronted by a hurler]


The End?

25-12-06, 20:06
Nice :D -

The Crahn take over would make a nice story line tbh...

The whole server forced to live in TH - :)

26-12-06, 09:59
Lol brilliant. Shoulda put Skullcult in their somewhere though. (Nonexistent anymore possibly, but still alive at heart!

.....Wait.......What heart?)

Anyways. Great story once again hell :lol:

26-12-06, 13:58
Is the FETISH movie still being made?

26-12-06, 14:26
No, but if anyone wants to make this they can.

However, there is another version of the story. Crahn monks have reclaimed Neocron, left DoY because of how uninhabitable it (as wella s all the other factions there), reprogrammed the CopBots and are now following the rulership of Father dread Magorian.

The remaining survivors of the Crahn war live in Tech Haven where they use gorilla tactics to stop the Crahn forces with little success. Outposts are being lost and soon Tech Hvaen's defences will be overwhelmed. The tech haven council holds a meeting to decide on the best course of action. They put their hopes into one single ideal, a legend of a power lost long ago. they believe that in order to defeat Crahn they must harness the power of the Big Yellow Ball.

And so the crazy adventures occur when a trio of Fallen Angels stupidly accept the near suicidal mission of finding the BYB before Crahn destroys Tech Haven and enslaves everyone else. The Fallen Angels give them a rather shitty Rhino tank for them to explore the wastes in. The story is then centred on them and their little road trip around the wastes. You have the trio of made up of Tough Hero, Polite Itellect and Comedy Relief Stoner.

Of course they do find the BYB, which grants the keeper their wishes...with hilarious results.

26-12-06, 14:51
You should write those passages on the backs of film cases.

26-12-06, 14:52
They're called blurbs

26-12-06, 15:12
We actually filmed Part One. It took HOURS. I think Hell Demon did most of the voices too (he was doing some kinda californian stoner impersonation for me).
I still have a movie idea, but I want to experiment with a shorter project first, and before that I need a working account again...

26-12-06, 15:29
Yes, Gunnar played my voice acting clips over Vent and apparently everyone pissed themselves. :(

I had the most fun voicing Cmaster :D

26-12-06, 17:56
Yes, Gunnar played my voice acting clips over Vent and apparently everyone pissed themselves. :(

I had the most fun voicing Cmaster :D

This was ALOOONG time ago, Before i was in fetish, and before the Skullcult returned, i think

27-12-06, 07:10
lol factor 10 from me


26-01-07, 21:37
Why thankyou

Working on something new

27-01-07, 02:18
Yes, Gunnar played my voice acting clips over Vent and apparently everyone pissed themselves. :(

I had the most fun voicing Cmaster :D

I pissed myself.

I wasn't laughing though. I just pissed myself.

08-09-09, 11:46
Hey Hell Demon,

Any plans for more?

I'd like to try and make a little comic out of some of this stuff, it's great.

08-09-09, 20:40
Ive been asked to help write a comic before. Forgot who asked me but I sent him a load of ideas and nothing came from it.

So I am a little suspicious of anyone asking me to help make a comic. Nearly had a machinima in the works but that fell through. Also this game has generated very little outside interest so any comics you make will be for a very niche audience.