View Full Version : Jake Hard: The Musical

13-12-05, 22:26
A flow of inspirationed rocked me in the shower like it usually does. I present to you the ever so cheesy Jake Hard the musical. Two stories upcoming this xmas...aren't you all lucky.


The bleak neon glow of degrading signs flitted in Pepper Park. A lone figure walked down the dusty trash ridden alleys of the sector. The figure approached a nearby lamp post. He leant on it and looked up at the cold dark sky. He began to sing to himself.

"When evil threatens all life
And peril and danger is rife
When everything is at stake
They send in me, good olí Jake

Because Iím Hard yes Iím Hard so very very Hard!
Do you want proof? Have my business card!

I am fumbling I am bumbling
My sex life is crumbling
Iím horny and Iím corny
As Iím sure youíve heard the story

I maaaaybe a slob
But that doesnít stop meeeeeeee
From a doing a half-assed job!

Because Iím Hard yes Iím Hard as Iím sure you know!
Iíll take any lady I can get Iím always good to go!

I am a detective of a sexual perverted kind
But I have always kicked any villains behind
I take my time with every single case
And still prove myself to be a public disgrace!

Because Iím Hard yes Iím Hard can you not see!
I am Jake Hard and Jake Hard- is -me!"

Jake with all him excitement rushed down to the pussy club to score. But as usual Jake failed. He always did. Down hearted he collected a bottle of whisky from his local snacks bar and retired to his crummy appartment. When he reached his appartment he had drunk the entire whisky, clumsily broke the door getting in and flopped onto his bed. It creaked under his weight.

Just as Jake was about to catch some Z's then molest them in his wet dreams, there was a knock at the door. Jake wearily got up and opened the door.

Jake saw standing there a plump old man with a withering grey moustache and a bald spot.

"Oh thank goodness its you Mr. Hard" he exclaimed

"What do you want?" said Jake grogilly.

"My name is Malcolm Cob. I need you help my daughter is wanted by a leader of a drugs gang....." before Malcolm could finish Jake was already closing his broken door.

"Wait please hear me out!" cried Malcolm.

"Ok buddy I'm listening"

"Heeee was a man of ill repute
And after a long and laborious dispute
He shot my daughterís fiancť dead
And forced her to give him head

But she managed to escape his evil grasp
And with her fist firmly clasped
Punched him square in the jaw
And as he fell to the floor

She ran and she raaaaaan

So Mr. Hard-"

Please call me Jake

I really canít care for goodness sake!

Listen I need you to protect my daughter
Someone neeeeds toooo save her!

Listen bub itís a job for City Mercs

Tried Ďem theyíre just petty minded jerks

What I need is a man like you
Who knows he has a job to do
Please you must do this for meee
If not for my daughterÖÖ
She still has her virginity!

Well now youíve got yourself a deeeeal
Itís in my power I do feeeeel
To stop this mad man! This psychopath!
For he will feel my almighty wrath!

He will feel the might of a man who sings!
And with your daughter Iíll break a few bedsprings!

Oh my

Curtain Drops

Asurmen Spec Op
14-12-05, 00:13
I have a sudden urge to get some of my friends and act this out

14-12-05, 00:51
hahah nice !

Clive tombstone
14-12-05, 01:50
hell, your brilliant.

Bugs Gunny
14-12-05, 01:59
I wub you :D

Asurmen Spec Op
15-12-05, 01:03
me and a couple of friends are going to act it out when you finish and film it :o