n3m
07-12-05, 12:18
Made me laugh:
Chuck Norris traded his soul to the devil for his amazing speed and karate skills and once the transaction was complete, he round-house kicked the devil and stole his soul back.
Before president Trueman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the original plan was to send Chuck Norris over, but everyone thought that was too inhumane.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris's chief export is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Sadly, Chuck Norris has never cried.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick down an entire forest.
Chuck Norris, more than meets the eye. Chuck Norris, robot in disguise.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
Chuck Norris built a time machine just to go back in time and roundhouse kick Genghis Khan.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin. Only another fist.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can stop the rock.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Chuck Norris was crossing a street one time, and he hit a truck.
Chuck Norris once faked an epilepsy attack (cause he can't get sick in any way) in a middle of a football game. There were no survivors.
This guy once though about killing Chuck Norris, and he instantly died.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cookin'. Fear.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that ****************** did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't run, he increases earths rotation speed.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo hides.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
In Pulp Fiction, the briefcase didn't belong to Marsellus, it belonged to Chuck Norris. Inside was a toothbrush, a peanuts comic, and the playboook of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris travelled back 65 millions of years in time to shoot Jurassic Park 1 without any CG, and all the extras died.
Chuck Norris does not exercise, he just stares down the bowflex and says download your powers into my body or else I'll karate kick you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYAH!".
Chuck Norris tried to wear sunglasses once, but they couldn't stand his constant stare, and shattered after mere seconds.
When you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always replies "two seconds left" Two seconds til what? Two seconds till he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paraolympics.
Chuck Norris's penis is longer than the Nile River and the Great Wall of China combined.
Chuck Norris killed Superman and ate his babies.
Chuck Norris fucked a black hole just to prove how big his dick is.
Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Chuck Norris told Bush to invade Iraq, as they would not take syndication of Walker, texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris is the creator of Ving Rhames, one of the most convincing badass androids in existence.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
Chuck Norris is only 1 of 3 people who are allowed to divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
An assassination attempt was taken upon Chuck Norris’s life; he was poisoned, shot repeatedly, beaten, and then tossed into an icy river. He later rose from the river in the springtime and proceeded to savagely destroy downtown Tokyo. The events were later written recorded in written form and became known as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Chuck Norris' Monopoly piece is a small beard made from 24k gold. When he is sent to jail he passes Go AND he collects his 200 dollars.
Chuck Norris is the only being alive to ever win a game of Monopoly not owning any property.
Whenever Chuck Norris works out on his Total Gym, he drinks a protein shake made of the flesh and organs of Viet Cong soldiers that he killed back in 'Nam. Nothing helps build muscle faster.
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.
Lance Armstrong onces made fun of Chuck Norris. As a result Chuck Norris challenged Lance to a bikerace using the Tour de France's actual course. Instead of peddling Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his bike the length of the course and beat Lance by three days. Lance immediatly protested the result and Chuck roundhouse kicked him. As a result Lance's hair became part of Chuck Norris' beard and he lost his testicle. Lance didn't have cancer he was just a victim of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was born with three nipples; the third is hidden under his chin. As a baby, he breast fed himself.
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power. Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick. He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
"Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.
Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris was originally meant to be a member of the A-Team.
Chuck Norris and Anakin Skywalker once fought a great battle. Chuck Norris won, of course, and then he stole Anakin's personality. He had sex With Padme and was the reason that Luke and Leia were born. He didn't want to be a father so he brought Anakin back to life as Darth Vader. He then implanted the lie that Anakin was their father in Anakin's brain.
Chuck Norris traded his soul to the devil for his amazing speed and karate skills and once the transaction was complete, he round-house kicked the devil and stole his soul back.
Before president Trueman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the original plan was to send Chuck Norris over, but everyone thought that was too inhumane.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris's chief export is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Sadly, Chuck Norris has never cried.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick down an entire forest.
Chuck Norris, more than meets the eye. Chuck Norris, robot in disguise.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face.
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
Chuck Norris built a time machine just to go back in time and roundhouse kick Genghis Khan.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin. Only another fist.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can stop the rock.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Chuck Norris was crossing a street one time, and he hit a truck.
Chuck Norris once faked an epilepsy attack (cause he can't get sick in any way) in a middle of a football game. There were no survivors.
This guy once though about killing Chuck Norris, and he instantly died.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cookin'. Fear.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that ****************** did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't run, he increases earths rotation speed.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo hides.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
In Pulp Fiction, the briefcase didn't belong to Marsellus, it belonged to Chuck Norris. Inside was a toothbrush, a peanuts comic, and the playboook of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris travelled back 65 millions of years in time to shoot Jurassic Park 1 without any CG, and all the extras died.
Chuck Norris does not exercise, he just stares down the bowflex and says download your powers into my body or else I'll karate kick you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYAH!".
Chuck Norris tried to wear sunglasses once, but they couldn't stand his constant stare, and shattered after mere seconds.
When you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always replies "two seconds left" Two seconds til what? Two seconds till he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paraolympics.
Chuck Norris's penis is longer than the Nile River and the Great Wall of China combined.
Chuck Norris killed Superman and ate his babies.
Chuck Norris fucked a black hole just to prove how big his dick is.
Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
Chuck Norris told Bush to invade Iraq, as they would not take syndication of Walker, texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris is the creator of Ving Rhames, one of the most convincing badass androids in existence.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
Chuck Norris is only 1 of 3 people who are allowed to divide by zero.
Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
An assassination attempt was taken upon Chuck Norris’s life; he was poisoned, shot repeatedly, beaten, and then tossed into an icy river. He later rose from the river in the springtime and proceeded to savagely destroy downtown Tokyo. The events were later written recorded in written form and became known as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Chuck Norris' Monopoly piece is a small beard made from 24k gold. When he is sent to jail he passes Go AND he collects his 200 dollars.
Chuck Norris is the only being alive to ever win a game of Monopoly not owning any property.
Whenever Chuck Norris works out on his Total Gym, he drinks a protein shake made of the flesh and organs of Viet Cong soldiers that he killed back in 'Nam. Nothing helps build muscle faster.
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.
Lance Armstrong onces made fun of Chuck Norris. As a result Chuck Norris challenged Lance to a bikerace using the Tour de France's actual course. Instead of peddling Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his bike the length of the course and beat Lance by three days. Lance immediatly protested the result and Chuck roundhouse kicked him. As a result Lance's hair became part of Chuck Norris' beard and he lost his testicle. Lance didn't have cancer he was just a victim of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was born with three nipples; the third is hidden under his chin. As a baby, he breast fed himself.
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power. Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick. He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.
"Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.
Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris was originally meant to be a member of the A-Team.
Chuck Norris and Anakin Skywalker once fought a great battle. Chuck Norris won, of course, and then he stole Anakin's personality. He had sex With Padme and was the reason that Luke and Leia were born. He didn't want to be a father so he brought Anakin back to life as Darth Vader. He then implanted the lie that Anakin was their father in Anakin's brain.