View Full Version : Tales From The Crap Keeper

21-10-05, 20:28
Good evening. Welcome to my humble abode, and by humble I mean a small appartment in Via Rosso that smells of decaying droms. It's got nothing to do with me it was the previous owner I swear. Anyway the time has come.....

Halloween is upon us! It is the time when gouls, ghosts, demonic creatures and the unemployed lurk the night. And so over the next few days I will be bringing you tales of horror and wierdness the likes of which will never get published in a million years.

So our first story of terror shall begin....

Adam thrusted deep into her quivering mound. Her moans of pleasure filled the room.....

Hey! What the fuck! Dammit that Igor has been rearranging my book collection. Dumb little shit mixed up my erotic novels with my horror stories. Now wheres a good little scare...come on...."Little Women" pppfftt hardly......come on....ah here we go.

The "Big Bumper Book of Perverse Scares" and would ya believe it its the second edition. Now to recreate that atmosphere of mystery and forboding...ahem

From the very bowels of Satan I bring you our first tale which I like to call, and so does the author of the story, "Viagra of the Dead"

On a dark stormy night in the creepy bleak labs of Proto Pharm two morticians, Bill and Max, were examining a fresh batch of corpses that had been delivered. But little did they know that one particular corpse would bring destruction to Neocron!

"Hey did you know that when a person dies the muscles in their bowels give way and they piss and shit all over the place?" said Bill.

"Oh please don't tell me that stuff it's disturbing. My first day and I'm replacing blood will preserving fluid" said Max glumly as he looked at the tubes poking out of a corpse lying on a cold slab.

"Well hey thats why I'm supervising. Hey did you know that at some point the deads lungs spew out left over air and they make this wierd sound like "eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppoppppppp"? Its freaky" said Bill talking over Max's shoulder.

"Look I don't want to know so shut up"

Max was desperatly not trying to screw this job up. Out of all the part time jobs hes ever had he considered this to be the worst.

"Oh and did you know that if you die with a boner it stays there? We've had a few cases of stiffs with stiffs. We call it "Angel Lust" in the business" said Bill jabbing at a corpses crotch.

"For fucks sake I'm trying to concerntrate on what I'm doing! I don't want to hear any more disturbing bullshit!" said Max putting down his surgical laser.

"Hey man it's not bullshit. It's true the blood stays trapped in the blood vessels of the penis. Here man let me show you" said Bill wandering out of the labs.

Max was bewildered at this point. An eerie lab, filled with corpses, who died in horrific ways, with a co-worker obsessed with the toilet habits of the dead. Max could hear Bill searching cabinets and knocking equipment over in the opposite room. Bill quickly ran into the room quite flustered brandashing a syringe and escorting a trolley with a difibulator on it. He parked the defibulator next to one of the male corpses.

"Bill what the hell are you doing? I don't need some fucked up biology lesson now I got work to do" said Max sulkily.

"Relax this will only take a minute...well for this guy it will last a long time. You see in this syringe is a powerful viagra in a solution. I inject this guy with it, give him a jolt of volts to get the stuff flowing a little and we watch the dead rise."

"You are one twisted perv with too much time on his hands"

"Just pass me that cloth so it doesn't perk up and hit us in the eye. Last thing we need is a decomposing penis flying about the place"

Max reluctantly gave Bill a cloth which Bill gently placed on the corpse. Bill injected the corpse with viagra and gave a small burst of electricity to the corpse with the defibulator to get a short pulse of blood in circulation. Slowly but surely they could see a bulge in the cloth emerge.

"Lucky for this guy dead girls dont say no" said Bill jokily.

The corpse twitched on the slab slightly.


Suddenly the corpse jolted forward and flung his arm at Bill hitting him and hurling him across the lab. Max dived over a cadaver tray to avoid this bonerfied zombie. The zombie ignored Max and proceeded to break down a security door with a powerful pelvic thrust. The broken door set off security alarms and a small squad of security guards ran to the sector hauling an arsenal of guns and gear. Max crept out of cover and picked up Bill shakily to his feet.

Meanwhile the security force were frantically firing at a zombie lurching at them with an erection. It got close to a security guard and pounced on him. The zombie humped him into submission, killing him with his foul manhood. The zombie then set it's sights on the rest of the squad which were situated a few rooms away from Bill and Max.

Bill and Max looked around the room and assessed the damage.

"First day on the job and one of the corpses gets an erection and goes on a rampage. It would have to be a bloody Monday wouldn't it". said Max depressingly.

"What the hell happened in here?!" shouted the Proto Pharm CEO clambering over cadaver trays.

"Er...it's my first day" said Max sheepishly.

"Mind telling me why I had a security force getting attacked by what I'm hearing on the communication channels to be a corpse with a hard on! Damn thing managed to break out the labs! Fucking roaming the streets!"

"Bill injected a corpse with viagra and it some how got re-animated" said Max rather bemused.

Bill was shaking in shock.

"This is not good for the company! Having a corpse on the loose...do you know what this means!?" shouted the CEO

"We have unleashed something truely terrible on Neocron"

"No it means bad news for our share holders!"

21-10-05, 22:59
lol truly distrubing, yet funny ;) hope to be seening the rest soon :p

+ put a link in ur sigi

Asurmen Spec Op
22-10-05, 01:36

*fap fap fap fap fap fap*

22-10-05, 01:48
Hey, you wrote something.
What happened to Harder than Hard though?

22-10-05, 10:30
Hiatus (spelling)

24-10-05, 14:02
The rain fell down heavily on the blood drenched streets of Neocron. Hordes of horny zombies swarmed nearby runners and tore them apart in an orgy of groping and thrusting. City Admin were desperatly trying to hold off the zombie infestation but soon they were out numbered. The zombies scowered the streets for their next bit of titilation and already Pepper Park had been stripped clean like a strippers thong. Meanwhile in a boarded up Chez Cypher Max and Bill were trying to keep alive as well as drinking booze. Max was sat down plaintively at a table nursing his cron beer.

"First day at work and I get involved in a zombie infestation. I should of taken that job as a receptionist least they get groped by managers and not zombies" said Max to himself.

Bill hauled himself up from behind the bar brandishing a bottle of whisky. His shirt and tie a mess and drenched in booze.

"Hey...Max...buuuuuddy.....why don't cha....why don't cha...take a quick peek through the window to see ....if...the...zombays...are...gone" said Bill quite inebreated.

Max looked through the boarded up windows onto the streets. He looked away in horror.

"Well..what cha see?"

"A load of zombies gang banging a copbot"

"Huh it's like my grandpa always said when theres no room in the Pussy Club the dead will walk the earth"

"What are you talking about Bill?"

"I dunno any more man" said Bill slumping back behind the bar.

Max picked up his assault rifle which he prised from a dead security guard. He checked how much ammo it had left. It wouldn't be long till the zombies were pelvic thrusting their way into Chez Cypher then Bill and Max would be fucked, literally. Max put his hand on his forehead and tried to think.

"Ok...think Max. We gave a dead guy viagra and he became a zombie and this zombie humped someone, they became a zombie, then more zombies emerged, epidemic, chaos on the streets, we hide out here and drink booze. Well lets see what do we know about these zombies?"

"They like to fuck!" yelled Bill swaying the bottle of whisky in his hand.

"Okay so these zombies are horny. What else?"

"They blow up easy!" yelled Bill as his fell on the floor.


"Remember before we got here we saw that merc with a rocket launcher and he blew up those zombies real good but then a swarm of them deep throated him to death"

"Oh yeah don't remind me" said Max shuddering.

Suddenly the barricades on the front door began to get rammed by somethig on the other side. Bill and Max could hear the zombies moaning with each thrust. Max clutched his assault rifle tightly.

"So ya got a plan buddy?" asked Bill as he unholstered his tangent eagle pistol and aimed it poorly.

Max thought for a second then replied.

"No. Wait! Yes! You know those big video screens in Plaza the ones that televise wanted criminals and adverts?"


"Well if we had like I dunno porn on those screens that would attract all the zombies to Plaza. Then we rocket the bastards or something"

The barricades gave way and a small horde of zombies lurched their way into the Chez Cypher. Max and Bill starting shooting wildly at the zombies.

"Aim for the genitals!" shouted Max.

Bill fired a clip at a zombies nether regions causing the zombies crotch to spew blood and zombie goo, which in turn made the zombie keel over onto the floor its limbs frailing. Max continued to fire, each bullet piercing the zombies supple flesh and spurting out blood. When the aftermath was over Max and Bill were victorious amongst a load of zombie corpses some with erections bulging up in their trousers.

They know had a plan. A fairly starnge plan but a plan none the less. Max used to work at Tangent Technologies before he was fired for puttinga grenade in an employees lunch for a practical joke. But he knew the HQ well and after searching the employee lounge found the hidden porno discs stahed away. Bill and Max raided the faction supply depot and found a rocket launcher with plenty of ammo. Not only that but other fine explosives such as the Tangent my first hand grenade- ages 3 and up. They then uploaded the discs into the information terminals at Tangent. They then hastily rushed of to Plaza to get finalize the plan.

At Plaza sector one the zombies waddled about looking for victims. Then an image started to appear on the large screens dotted about the place. It was a man and women having hardcore sex in a decrepid appartment.

"mmmaaaaahhhhh boobies!" screached a zombie.

The other zombies slowly turned their heads and stared at the screens.

"Boobies!" they cried in unison.

They all lurched towards the screens arms stretched out to grab the pornographic images. That was until a rocket hurtled towards them demolishing their efforts and them.

"Yeeha!" yelled Max as he loaded up another rocket.

"Keep 'em coming" cried out Bill as he ambushed a group of zombies with a grenade.

After much rocket firing and grenade tossing the zombie hordes were deminished. Max dropped his rocket launcher and sighed with relief. Bill breathed heavily as he tried to catch his breath back. Max patted Bill on the back and they both laughed with breathless glee. They admired their handy work as Plaza now appeared to have a nice new red paint job.

"Well I'm glad its over" said Max

And with those fatal words a group of zombie pounced out of the shadows at Bill. They groped Bill and tore at his clothes. Bill knew what he had to do. He grabbed his last hand grenade pulled the pin and held it closely.

"No Bill!" cried Max

"I have to Max is a cliched thing do when faced with zombies that someone has to give their life selflessly to save another person"

The greande went off and the horny horde of zombies were blasted to pieces and Max was thrown back by the force of the explosion. Across Neocron the survivors came out from their hiding places and safe houses and started to rebuild what they had lost. But in a shaddy office in the Proto Pharm HQ something sinister was brewing.

"Sir the zombies are no more"

"Excellent we can begin distribution of the viagra soon"

"But sir who wants to buy viagra that turns you into a zombie?"

"We'll let marketing worry about that"

The End

Bugs Gunny
24-10-05, 14:45
God, i love reading this shit.

check your pm btw.

24-10-05, 16:41
Its shit!

How dare you!


Bugs Gunny
24-10-05, 16:49
Best rag of filth written on the forums in the last 22 hours tbh ....

That better?

Asurmen Spec Op
24-10-05, 20:58
I luv it with my penis

24-10-05, 23:33
Ha ha ha ha ha!

04-11-05, 11:05
"A load of zombies gang banging a copbot"

i wanna screenie :P

04-11-05, 22:33
As of now i will no longer write any more stories.

My English teacher hates my writing and me :(

Sorry folks but my self-esteem has plumeted :(

05-11-05, 02:23
WTF u have entertained people here for aslong as i can remeber (and yes we are laughing with u and not at u). Can i get your english teachers details ^^

i think everyone needs to give hell demon some loven to boost his estem back up. I was really looking forward to another xmas story!

Asurmen Spec Op
05-11-05, 02:25
As of now i will no longer write any more stories.

My English teacher hates my writing and me :(

Sorry folks but my self-esteem has plumeted :(
Name Adress and fatal weaknesses >=(

What does an english teacher know about creativity TBH, we love you.
VERY much

05-11-05, 02:29
thats it Asurmen you and me.. we will get the address we need, go round there as the 'heavies' and... Things will soon be fine :) muhaha *evil laugh followed by horrible cough as im ill*

Asurmen Spec Op
05-11-05, 03:29
*books a ticket to england*
*gets flowers for Revan*
*gets lube*

Ok, Im ready

05-11-05, 14:01
*gets lube*

u are one dedicated person to the cause!

Asurmen Spec Op
05-11-05, 19:30
u are one dedicated person to the cause!
Wll revan is a good writer, and I cant stand it when tight ass english teachers fuck up awsome creativity, to be perfectly fucking honest

06-11-05, 02:03
Hell-Demon, write a Jake Hard christmas story or I'm going to personally kick your ass.

Asurmen Spec Op
06-11-05, 03:12
Revan, once again, we love you! dont forget that!

I understand that you dont have to do these, they are all done at your will.Were not forcing you to make more(cept for heavy :p) but we find them quite "interesting" and would really enjoy if you continued.

<3 :)

06-11-05, 03:26
holy crap man, if i did and was what everyone told me to do/be id be locked away years ago...if an english teacher doesnt like your writing, theres only one thing to do: get even wierder

06-11-05, 05:14
hahahaha dude that rocks, nice work

Dead girls dont say no!!!

SiL ..:..