A paper I'm writing

[HopesDespair]

Note: I'm not sure if this should go into the off topic (since it's a school paper) or if it can go here (since it's about games) feel free to move and I apologize in advance if it cannot go here.

This is a paper I am writing for my English III class about violence in the media. It's supposed to be just a short essay (1/2 to a full page long) and I wanted some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism




Violent games lead to violence. Atleast that is what "experts" say. When a person, especially a child or young adult, commits a crime, they always want to blame media. Popular games to blame are Doom, Duke Nukem (old school), and artists like Eminem, Jay-Z, Disturbed, Drowning Pool, etc. The list goes on and on.

But how much truth is there behind such accusations. I mean for an expert to say something as a fact, there must be hard evidence supporting it. One expert in Family magazine said: "9/10 of all people who commit a crime listen to violent music or play violent games." He went on to state the name of another popular game Grand Theft Auto. But so... wait a minute... how many people in the world play games like the above listed or listen to the above music. A great portion. So it is not unlikely that the people who commit these crimes will have played those games or listened to that music. But lets ignore that for now.

The same expert went on to say, "In these games there is talk about murder, theft, ********, assault..." etc etc. So let me get this straight, because there's this fantasy world out there where people kill, steal, ********, assault and I play it I'm going to commit a crime. I can go turn on the news and see the same thing, but there's just one difference. The news is a reality, the games aren't.

My personal opinion on the subject is simple, it depends primarily on the persons mental stability and their family. If someone cannot differentiate reality from fiction and or right from wrong, they shouldn't play these games BUT on the same hand they shouldn't watch the news or anything of that sort. Also, it is up to parents and family to let children who are younger know that what is in these games is wrong. It may seem repetitive saying it, but it helps.

Needless to say these so called experts have no where near enough proof to back up their claims, they are just grasping at straws trying to make americans decision for them.

[Gotterdammerung]

moved

[FaveriN]

The arguments portrayed in the essay are legitimate, depending on the stance you've opted to take on the issue. However, the language being used here is far from formal and is detracting from the essence of what you're actually trying to say. Remember, in such essays, it's imperative that you come off sounding professional and absolutely unbiased (unless stated otherwise by your instructor), in order to be taken seriously.

Take the following sentence as an example: "But so... wait a minute... how many people in the world play games like the above listed or listen to the above music. "

Primarily, try not to seem repetitious. Say "Listen to the music or play the games listed above" rather than saying "Play games like the above listed or listen to the above music". Furthermore, it's best not to incorporate phrases we utilise in our daily speech, such as 'i mean' or 'wait a minute'. Try to seem more articulate by stating: "However, the amount of law-abiding citizens playing the games listed above and listening to the aforementioned music far exceed those who are negatively influenced by said sources'. This gives more credence to your refutations, since folks generally tend to give more importance to well-written allegations. Remember, what you say and how you say it are equally significant in most cases.

It's a pretty interesting topic you've chosen, and i like the points you make in the essay. Hope my suggestions come in handy, and i wish you all the luck in securing a good grade for the paper. ;)