Monolithic
14-02-05, 16:32
It was one of those Tanks that fires shells a long way, oh, say 100 miles. Or maybe not quite that far, but not as far off that as you'd think. So it uses some amazing hi-tech targetting system. Only the Army is developing an even better system. Its only in the early stages so they want these three blokes to travel about and see if they can target the transmitter from various locations and elevations.
So off they go to the first location. Taking their Tank with them. The conversation goes something like this:
Commander says, "Anchors in"
Driver waves his hand over the anchor lever (not anchors like a ship although if I was designing Tanks they would be). He says, "Anchors in"
Commander says, "Load shell".
Gunner says, "Loading shell". A pause. "Shell loaded".
Someone, probably the Gunner says, "Target acquired" or something on those lines.
Commander says, "Fire".
Gunner says, "Bang!"
Commander consults with the radio and then says, "Target hit. Anchors up".
Driver waves hand over the anchor lever. "Anchors up"
And away they go to waypoint 2.
At waypoint 2. "Anchors in". "Anchors in". "Load shell". "Loading shell". "Shell loaded". "Target acquired". "Fire". "Bang". "Target hit". "Anchors up"
Waypoint 3. Anchor, shell, loading, bang, hit, up, away, zzz.
The Driver doesn't remember which waypoint they had reached. He just remembers the Gunner saying, "Loading shell" and he woke up. "Huh" he says to himself. "That sounded like....".
"Shell loaded".
"Wha?!? That sounded like the breach closing..."
"Target acquired" goes the Gunner.
"Wha? Erm. Wha?" goes the Driver.
"Fire" goes the Commander.
"SHIT!!!" goes the Driver lunging forwards.
"BOOM" goes the main gun.
The only reason the Driver knows he got the anchors fired before the main gun went off is that the Tank didn't flip over and go rolling down the hillside. This would of been bad. In a car it would be bad, but a Tank doesn't have luxuries like a car. Such as airbags, soft seats, lack of artillery shells bouncing off your skull.
Driver is sitting there looking at a gout of flame on a distant hill in a state of total shock. "Target Hit" goes the Commander. After a long pause the radio informs them all in a very stern voice to return to HQ.
The Driver's main recollection of the journey back is how cheerful the Commander and Gunner seemed to be. He can't remember what they were saying as he was wrapped up a shroud of misery, contemplating his upcoming court-martial. "It wasn't me guv, I'm just the driver!"
They get back to HQ. The Base Commander and a squad of MPs meet them. The Commander and Gunner happily dismount and are marched off never to be seen again.
Several minutes go by.
Driver considers his options. Sitting in the middle of an Army base in a huge Tank. Can he drive away unnoticed? The answer is - Yes!
He somehow makes it back to his barracks. The incident is never mentioned again and the next day he is assigned to a new crew.
The only explanation the Driver can come up with is based on 2 theories:
1) The Commander and Gunner wanted to get out of the Army.
2) They were complete idiots.
So off they go to the first location. Taking their Tank with them. The conversation goes something like this:
Commander says, "Anchors in"
Driver waves his hand over the anchor lever (not anchors like a ship although if I was designing Tanks they would be). He says, "Anchors in"
Commander says, "Load shell".
Gunner says, "Loading shell". A pause. "Shell loaded".
Someone, probably the Gunner says, "Target acquired" or something on those lines.
Commander says, "Fire".
Gunner says, "Bang!"
Commander consults with the radio and then says, "Target hit. Anchors up".
Driver waves hand over the anchor lever. "Anchors up"
And away they go to waypoint 2.
At waypoint 2. "Anchors in". "Anchors in". "Load shell". "Loading shell". "Shell loaded". "Target acquired". "Fire". "Bang". "Target hit". "Anchors up"
Waypoint 3. Anchor, shell, loading, bang, hit, up, away, zzz.
The Driver doesn't remember which waypoint they had reached. He just remembers the Gunner saying, "Loading shell" and he woke up. "Huh" he says to himself. "That sounded like....".
"Shell loaded".
"Wha?!? That sounded like the breach closing..."
"Target acquired" goes the Gunner.
"Wha? Erm. Wha?" goes the Driver.
"Fire" goes the Commander.
"SHIT!!!" goes the Driver lunging forwards.
"BOOM" goes the main gun.
The only reason the Driver knows he got the anchors fired before the main gun went off is that the Tank didn't flip over and go rolling down the hillside. This would of been bad. In a car it would be bad, but a Tank doesn't have luxuries like a car. Such as airbags, soft seats, lack of artillery shells bouncing off your skull.
Driver is sitting there looking at a gout of flame on a distant hill in a state of total shock. "Target Hit" goes the Commander. After a long pause the radio informs them all in a very stern voice to return to HQ.
The Driver's main recollection of the journey back is how cheerful the Commander and Gunner seemed to be. He can't remember what they were saying as he was wrapped up a shroud of misery, contemplating his upcoming court-martial. "It wasn't me guv, I'm just the driver!"
They get back to HQ. The Base Commander and a squad of MPs meet them. The Commander and Gunner happily dismount and are marched off never to be seen again.
Several minutes go by.
Driver considers his options. Sitting in the middle of an Army base in a huge Tank. Can he drive away unnoticed? The answer is - Yes!
He somehow makes it back to his barracks. The incident is never mentioned again and the next day he is assigned to a new crew.
The only explanation the Driver can come up with is based on 2 theories:
1) The Commander and Gunner wanted to get out of the Army.
2) They were complete idiots.