View Full Version : [OT]How does this grab ya?
Simple question. Would you keep reading if you read this as the start of a novel:
In the beginning, there was the word. But there are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was. The tendrils of darkness slowly devoured world after world. They were an unstoppable force that could be neither anticipated nor pinpointed. They destroyed life, unbalancing the forces which kept life in check. They were flawless, heartless, merciless. The unfathomable goals of the Darkness never became clear – and if they did, no one lived to tell anyone else what they were.
All literary criticism welcome.
Thanks for ya help :)
Teh Saza.
Shadow Dancer
16-08-04, 23:16
Hell yea, LOL.
I would definitely want to keep reading. Did you write that?
Richard Slade
16-08-04, 23:18
Nice job, overuse of "They" tho.
And very vague what "the word" is...
Also a bit 'jumpy' at times, going from this to that,
might want to take some time and describe the different things you mention better
I did indeed. It's the beginning of my novel, The Scales of Arabus.
Its a fantasy, slightly like Lord of the Rings, but with much more religious overtones and not so godamn boring (hopefully :p).
I wanna be the first 15 year old bestseller (fingers crossed eh?)
Edit:
Nice job, overuse of "They" tho.
And very vague what "the word" is...
The word is not anything definite. Its a copy of the first sentence of the bible, as this book is designed to challenge some issues raised by the bible.
Shadow Dancer
16-08-04, 23:19
Nice job, overuse of "They" tho.
And very vague what "the word" is...
I think he meant the world.
EDIT: You know Saza, based on how you are ingame and on the forums. I think you're pretty intelligent and mature for your age. http://neocron.jafc.de/images/icons/icon14.gif Don't let it go to your head, lmao.
Richard Slade
16-08-04, 23:20
I think he meant the world.
But would be damn cool i fthere was something like 'the word' eh
EDIT: You know Saza, based on how you are ingame and on the forums. I think you're pretty intelligent and mature for your age. http://neocron.jafc.de/images/icons/icon14.gif Don't let it go to your head, lmao.
Intelligent, perhaps. Mature? AHAHAHAHAHA :p
Richard Slade
16-08-04, 23:26
The word is not anything definite. Its a copy of the first sentence of the bible, as this book is designed to challenge some issues raised by the bible.
You still might want to straighten out some things there since it just leaves you with a thought like "So?"
like creator of 'the word' or a slight definition of 'the word'
is it the reality as we know it, an aspect of time, our faith, the truth.. or what?
And yes, I know it's a nice poetic paradox, but still, remember who's gonna read it (Idiots, hillbillys, retards and us)
If you want to be a bestseller you can't make it way too hard for them
Shadow Dancer
16-08-04, 23:27
might want to take some time and describe the different things you mention better
It's just the first paragraph. :p
Bah, I guess he did mean "word". :o
"The Word" is what Christians call the Bible, and yah it sounded exactly like Genesis. Id definitely check it out and keep reading. Send it to me if you dont get published. :p
Its actually more like the gospel of John (http://www.carm.org/kjv/John/john_1.htm) than Genesis.
You still might want to straighten out some things there since it just leaves you with a thought like "So?"
like creator of 'the word' or a slight definition of 'the word'
is it the reality as we know it, an aspect of time, our faith, the truth.. or what
The point of "the word" is to start the book off like the bible, but then challenge it by stating something completely different.
You could see "the word" as the basis of the bible, as it is usually words that gets points across. Therefore the universe would have to start with "the word", as does the bible and my book. The word is the beginning of life, so it makes an appropriate start to my book.
Edit:
Yeah what Jest said :p
Shadow Dancer
16-08-04, 23:34
If it challenges the bible, then I'd definitely be more interested in reading it.
And yes, I know it's a nice poetic paradox, but still, remember who's gonna read it (Idiots, hillbillys, retards and us)
If you want to be a bestseller you can't make it way too hard for them
Um dude, there are tons of bestsellers out there that are like 50x harder to understand.
Shadow Dancer
16-08-04, 23:34
double post
Without giving away the story, the main issue it challenges is that God is the most powerful being in the universe, for any power God has must be rivalled by that of Satan for they both rule over ethereal domains and coexist, peacefully or not. The balance between Good and Evil is delicate, but as Good defines Evil and vice versa one cannot survive without the other.
The church preaching that everyone should be good is wrong in my opinion, evil is a part of human nature, as destruction must exist with creation.
That sounds just as fucked up as trying to read "Silmarillion" now that is a fucked up story.
The church preaching that everyone should be good is wrong in my opinion, evil is a part of human nature, as destruction must exist with creation.You could start the new church of Saza and encourage every one that salvation comes from doing the wrong thing. :p
Who says I haven't already? :p
*Puts away Satanic Bible*
greendonkeyuk
16-08-04, 23:47
yeah id read it. Oh and naimex did you manage to finish reading the silmarillion coz if not then its one of the best books ive ever read and recommend you do. personally i love all the chivalric stuff with great warriors vanquishing evil and stuff like that. it reminds me of being 5 and watching dungeons and dragons and stuff like that. those were the days man... yeah. dungeon master owned but that horse thing was annoying.
back on topic saza m8 if you wanna post some more stuff when you get thru it a bit id be happy to read it and give you some feedback.
Simple question. Would you keep reading if you read this as the start of a novel:
In the beginning, there was the word. But there are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was. The tendrils of darkness slowly devoured world after world. They were an unstoppable force that could be neither anticipated nor pinpointed. They destroyed life, unbalancing the forces which kept life in check. They were flawless, heartless, merciless. The unfathomable goals of the Darkness never became clear – and if they did, no one lived to tell anyone else what they were.
All literary criticism welcome.
Thanks for ya help :)
Teh Saza.
Tbh, when i i was done reading that, the first word in my mind was 'Riddick'. But maybe thats just me. :-)
I've written the first 4 and a half chapters, about 9 thousand words so far.
If anyone wants the entire first chapter, then e-mail me. My hotmail address is under my name :)
Sounds cool, tho you might capitalize "the Word"......
btw, have you read C.S. Friedman's "Cold Fire" trilogy? It deals with this subject quite well, i.e., Good doing evil and Evil doing good.
Good luck on the Novel.
sure you don't wanna rename it space cadets saza?.. muahahahaah
too much fantasy stuff cyberpunk/post apoc > all
TheGreatMilenko
17-08-04, 00:58
reminds me of
The Never Ending Story
where the nothingness destroyed everything :p
I would most definetly keep reading...
Its a fantasy, slightly like Lord of the Rings, but with much more religious overtones and not so godamn boring (hopefully :p).
DIE HEATHEN
Now, serious part of my post:
They destroyed life There you obviously refer to the 'Darkness' in the plural, while here:
he unfathomable goals of the Darkness never became clear You refer it as a single whole. That was just the main thing that jumped out at me when I read it.
Email me the rest of it and I'll be happy to go over it :)
In the beginning, there was the word.
-That is kind of cliche...
But there are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was.
-This in a way contradicts the first sentence.
The tendrils of darkness slowly devoured world after world. They were an unstoppable force that could be neither anticipated nor pinpointed.
-This might be a little redundant since if no one has escaped it they can't anticipate it. :)
They destroyed life, unbalancing the forces which kept life in check. They were flawless, heartless, merciless. The unfathomable goals of the Darkness never became clear – and if they did, no one lived to tell anyone else what they were.
-You need a hook at the end of a beggining paragraph. Why else should someone keep reading? :)
This is what I would do...[everyone has thier style]
There are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was. The very existence of life shook with the underlying tremors of Darkness. They were the kind of tremors that fortold the coming of a greater horror. The Tendrils of Darkness snaked and slithered; slowly choking The Breath of Life away. Worlds will split under the agonizing pain and your want to be immortal will be slit from your throat. It is a force that cannot be stopped. It cannot be destroyed, but perhaps there is another way...
Think quickly for time is nigh and it beckons for you.
In the beginning, there was the word.
-That is kind of cliche...
But there are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was.
-This in a way contradicts the first sentence.
That is the point. The contradiction is there to challenge what is said in the bible.
The tendrils of darkness slowly devoured world after world. They were an unstoppable force that could be neither anticipated nor pinpointed.
-This might be a little redundant since if no one has escaped it they can't anticipate it. :)
As they are an intersellar race, the technological advancements of the planets they conquer can differ greatly, so I have clarified that even the most technical of planets could not anticipate the Darkness.
They destroyed life, unbalancing the forces which kept life in check. They were flawless, heartless, merciless. The unfathomable goals of the Darkness never became clear – and if they did, no one lived to tell anyone else what they were.
-You need a hook at the end of a beggining paragraph. Why else should someone keep reading? :)
Good point, I may try and devise something. However, I'm hoping the mysterious nature of the Darkness will make people want to keep reading, and it is in fact the later paragraphs that will truly hook the reader.
[This is what I would do...[everyone has thier style]
There are no words to describe how terrible the beginning really was. The very existence of life shook with the underlying tremors of Darkness. They were the kind of tremors that fortold the coming of a greater horror. The Tendrils of Darkness snaked and slithered; slowly choking The Breath of Life away. Worlds will split under the agonizing pain and your want to be immortal will be slit from your throat. It is a force that cannot be stopped. It cannot be destroyed, but perhaps there is another way...
Think quickly for time is nigh and it beckons for you.
Ever thought of being an author?
(Don't steal my idea though :p)
Richard Slade
17-08-04, 09:43
You gotta excuse me for going a li'l ot on yer ot thread but every time I scroll by that title "[OT]How does this grab ya?" I keep saying to myself 'By the balls...'
Ahh yea well I didn't know the exact basis for your story. I am currently working on a book and no I won't steal your idea. :)
You gotta excuse me for going a li'l ot on yer ot thread but every time I scroll by that title "[OT]How does this grab ya?" I keep saying to myself 'By the balls...'
My thoughts exactly :D
Good read Saza, mail me the chapter and I'll read it through, say something more bout it :)
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