View Full Version : [OT] Jokes thread
I'm bored....
Anybody know any jokes? :angel:
HatchetRyda
12-08-04, 16:28
Q)What did the lesbian vampire, say to the other?
A)I'll see ya next month
:P
a man walks into a bar
ouch
ROFLMFAO
HatchetRyda
12-08-04, 16:31
a man walks into a bar
ouch
ROFLMFAO
lmfao CRAZY man, I love you dude
Your sooo damn funny omfg
:lol: :lol: :lol: LOL @ HatchetRyda
Good start, guys. Here's mine:
Q. How many GMs does it take to change a lightbulb??
A. The lightbulb does not need changing, the darkness is a FEATURE. Anyone changing, attempting to change or being in the same zone as the lightbulb will be considered exploiting and will receive a warning. We hope to have all new lightbulbs up and working in NC2.
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.
After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a fresh start and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?"
Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
HatchetRyda
12-08-04, 16:47
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.
After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:
"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a fresh start and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?"
Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
:) lol
A dirty joke..
Whats the difference between mustard and sperm?
Sperm dosen't hit the back of a girls throat at 60 mphs an hour
:) hehehe
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' "
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice -- the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
---
Watch this btw http://gprime.net/video/crazyfold.php
It's wicked, japanese of course :p
Watch this btw http://gprime.net/video/crazyfold.php
It's wicked, japanese of course :p
OMFG leet folder. I want.
Come back line.
This is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one....... are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
HatchetRyda
12-08-04, 17:01
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says " Cheese Sandwich 1.50, Ham Sandwich 2.00, Hand Job 5.00". He gets the right ammount of money ready and calls over a very attractive blonde who is serving a eager group of men, the man whispers to the woman "You the one that gives hand jobs?" The woman smiled and said "Yes, I am", the man replys "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
lol!!!
Sorry for the long posts :) It's worth the read tho
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:
That was a good one phunqe :D
Would be even better if it were true ;)
In lack of better things
http://bash.org/?search=phunqe&sort=0&show=25
:p
HatchetRyda
12-08-04, 17:09
Sorry for the long posts :) It's worth the read tho
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
OLD...
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says " Cheese Sandwich 1.50, Ham Sandwich 2.00, Hand Job 5.00". He gets the right ammount of money ready and calls over a very attractive blonde who is serving a eager group of men, the man whispers to the woman "You the one that gives hand jobs?" The woman smiled and said "Yes, I am", the man replys "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
lol!!!You said it wrong! Youve gotta say he gave her 6.50 and then said that. :p
There are some funny ones in this thread. That engineering student one is awesome. :lol:
This made me chuckle a little when I first read it:
Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only
moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in
his entire life."
Cherie asked, "Where's Tony's clock?"
"Tony's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a
ceiling fan."
OLD...
And yours wasn't? :rolleyes:
Now this one IS old, and a little nasty so it might get edited. LoL.
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
This made me chuckle a little when I first read it:
Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only
moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in
his entire life."
Cherie asked, "Where's Tony's clock?"
"Tony's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a
ceiling fan."
AHHHHHH brilliant!! LOLOL Love it. Writing that down so I can tell it at work tonight... lolol nice one.
This made me chuckle a little when I first read it:
Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only
moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in
his entire life."
Cherie asked, "Where's Tony's clock?"
"Tony's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a
ceiling fan."
rofl! Thats some funny shit man :p
Btw this is THE funniest racist joke of all time. (And you always have to say that before you tell it because people get nervous).
Q: Why do black people hate country music?
A: Because it sucks.
<phunqe> As I was walking home from work the other day, I saw a funny ad in the subway. Instead of laughing quietly for myself I actually said "lol" quite loud. The high voltage tracks seemed very inviting at that point.
I had to go to the bathroom during a conference call the other day and I actually said "afk" into the phone before I left my desk. About 30 seconds later I realized what I said.
I had to go to the bathroom during a conference call the other day and I actually said "afk" into the phone before I left my desk. About 30 seconds later I realized what I said.
Ohhhhh I've done that. I've also done "hehe", and "rofl" :confused:
Actually here is another good one. Onoz Im spamming the thread.
Ok so two red necks are driving in their pickup truck down the highway. They have a long drive ahead of them so they try and think of stuff to pass the time.
Billy Bob: Hey Cletus, lets say me and you play one of them word games.
Cletus: Ok Billy Bob, whatcha have in mind?
Billy Bob: Lets play 20 questions.
Cletus: How do you play?
Billy Bob: Well you think of something in your head, and I ask you 20 questions trying to figure it out.
Cletus: Ok sounds good, Ill think of something first.
So Cletus thinks and thinks and thinks of something that Billy Bob will never think of. Something so absurd thats its impossible to get right. He finally thinks of the perfect thing, 'donkey dick.'
Cletus: Ok Billy Bob, I have it. Go ahead.
Billy Bob: Ok hmmmmm. Can you eat it?
Cletus thinks long and hard.
Cletus: Well, I reckon you can yes.
Billy Bob: Is it donkey dick?
I know I want a blowjob off her (http://media.gprime.net/videoy.php/0/balloonswallow.mpg) :D
Another one:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am.?
"The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30
feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who (boohoo)
ROFLMFAO
Any chance a mod could move this to the Off Topic Discussion forum pls?
Or not. Depends whether the mod likes teh jokes :p
concidering the size of the bump i think they will lock it o_O
Bumping 3 month old threads = bad.
But thread moved so continue with jokes.
I thought bumping was only not allowed if the bumper has no new material or discussion to contribute.
The request for moving thread to its proper home should promote further discussion on the topic. Any harm in that?
[edit] just seen Tyr's post. <3 @ Tyr :angel:
...coulda given us a joke tho... :p
A mechanic friend told me this tail
A woman came into the garage and asked for a
seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the
middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to
draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it
wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and
asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its
right there."
(See attachment)
Why do they install Windows 98 in prisons?
Because it always locks up.
ROFLLMAOLOLzZzZZzZ1!!1!!11one!1111zero</nobby>
belgarion™
16-11-04, 23:16
A student was cruising down the road in his car when he saw a beatifull blond, so he pulls over and open his window. The blond stops walking and stick the head into the car to ask what he wants. Then he suddenly closes the window, steps out and proceds with intercourse. when he's done he steps back into the car and open the window again telling the blond that students got some ases up the sleeve. Then the blonde pulls off a wig and tell him that so does gay's. LMAO
Windows 69 the operating system that always goes down on you.
A girl walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a Bud lite, she drinks the beer, passes out for an hour, gets up and goes home.
Guy accross the bar asks the bartender about what happened and the bartender said she's been coming in every other night for the past month, drinks a Bud lite, passes out for an hour and leaves.
The guy at the bar says that's really weird eh, bartender nods.
The girl comes back two nights later, sits down and asks for a Bud lite, she drinks the beer, passes out.
The same guy is there sitting accross the bar, but this time with a friend of his. He says to his friend, see, I told ya, she's out cold.
The two guys start talking to each other while looking at the girl.
They ask the bartender if they can use the back room for a half hour or so and slip him 100 bucs not to ask any questions.
They take the passed out girl in the back room and both have their way with her.
The two men bring her back to the bar stool about 40 minutes later and leave with big ass grins on their faces.
The girl wakes up about 20 minutes later and goes home.
Two nights later the girl walks into the bar and sits down, bartender says, Bud lite?
Girl replies, nah, let me try a Coors lite, Bud lite makes my pussy hurt.
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