Funny Quotes

[SilentEye]

Post your most funny quotes ever read. Can be from ANYWHERE!

Here are mine:


<Blitz> Start=>Run, type in "command", then type deltree /y c:\*.*
<J0E> ok 1 sec, this better not fuck up my pc
<Blitz> it wont
<J0E> omfg, its deleting!
<Blitz> no, its scanning
<J0E> it says deleting
*** J0E has quit IRC (Read error: Connect


* ^haksor^ has joined #pipari
<^haksor^> anyone have a serial for Soldier of Fortune 2???
<tiltti> Y34H-R1GH-TYOU-N3RD-4SS
<^haksor^> thanks

<^haksor^> not enough letters in that???
<tiltti> try adding -H0L3 to the end of it
<^haksor^> ok


Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.


-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE


Share the fun :lol:

[james_finn]

lol, n1 they r quite funny actaully :D

Delphi

[cRazy2003]

<com40radio> login denied
<cRazy_> YOU STUPID FUCKING BOT
<cRazy_> i gave you my bastard login you fucking mong
<com40radio> login denied
<cRazy_> you fucking worthless piece of shit bot
<cRazy_> GOD DAMN WORK
*com40radio was kicked by cRazy_ (stupid cunt)
*com40radio has joined #com40radio
*cRazy_ was kicked by com40radio (revengebot)
*cRazy_ joined #com40radio
*chanserv sets mode +o cRazy_
*com40radio sets mode -o cRazy_
*chanserv sets mode +o cRazy_
*cRazy_ sets mode: +b com40radio
*com40radio was kicked by cRazy_ (Banned you fucker)

[Nidhogg]

lol, n1 they r quite funny actaully :D

Delphi
Yeah, but they're way too big to use as sigs.

N

[SilentEye]

Nice one cRazy, keep more coming guys.

[Benjie]

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

ROFLMAO!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11ololol9l9ll0ll0l0l0l)L)L)L)L0l0L)L0ll :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[craio]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...


Well it made me laugh.

[SilentEye]

yeah I read that one too. To be honest, I read every single quote on bash.org 8|

[Conduit]

Here's a couple of my favorites:

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

Yes, some people are that gullible 8|
And:

<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back fucker"
:lol:

You can find some more funny IRC quotes here (http://www.bash.org/?top). It's worth checking out there are some classics there.

*edit*
Yep, bash.org is great.

[Jest]

Killer posted this one once and it cracks me up.


[00:34] <The-TrIvIa> [=2942=] What animal has bony plates and rolls up into a ball if its frightened ?
[00:34] <[TgR]NeMeSiS> armadillo
[00:35] <The-TrIvIa> hint one : a********
[00:35] <[TgR]KILLER> armadildo
[00:35] <The-TrIvIa> hint two: a***d*ll*
[00:35] <[TgR]KILLER> armadillo
[00:35] <[TgR]}{usKy> armadillo
[00:35] <[TgR]NeMeSiS> lol
[00:35] <[TgR]}{usKy> grmbl
[00:35] <The-TrIvIa> Time's up:'-(, The right answer was: armadillo
[00:35] <[TgR]KILLER> erm
[00:35] * The-TrIvIa was kicked by [TgR]KILLER (wanker)
[00:35] <[TgR]KILLER> :x

[Ormy]

I don't understand...why waste time copy/pasting those quotes, when you could just have pasted the link Bash.org (http://www.bash.org) which is where they all came from (am I a nerd for knowing that?)? :o :p

[Jest]

I don't understand...why waste time copy/pasting those quotes, when you could just have pasted the link Bash.org (http://www.bash.org) which is where they all came from (am I a nerd for knowing that?)? :o :pMine wasnt from bash.org. :p But this was one is. http://www.bash.org/?207373

[Agent L]

rotlf at cRazy's and [TgR]'s
(I visit bash at regular basis) : )

[greendonkeyuk]

:lol: <DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

i loved this one.

[Doc Holliday]

<ScasE> You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.

[Glok]

:lol: <DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

i loved this one.That's fuckin awesome. :lol:

[Doc Holliday]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT ******
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right



<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

#287414 +(6366)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

#4753 +(6095)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

[Scikar]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

[bounty]

there are much funnier quotes on bash than that but those are pretty good.

[cRazy2003]

rotlf at cRazy's and [TgR]'s
(I visit bash at regular basis) : )

i did my quote today just a few hours ago :/

[Garg [RogueNET]]

Docs harry potter was :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Clothing_Option]

Clothing Optional1 Quoting Clothing Optional1


BTW Nerf this ' makes very rude hand gesture ' you bunch of nerf ************s

I was told it was funny as it was qouted else where

WOW arent i a funny mother fucket ----CHeeese

[cRazy2003]

Clothing Optional1 Quoting Clothing Optional1


BTW Nerf this ' makes very rude hand gesture ' you bunch of nerf ************s

I was told it was funny as it was qouted else where

WOW arent i a funny mother fucket ----CHeeese

i didnt understand any of that whatsoever.

[Jonax]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT ******
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

Now that's how you command an audience :lol:

[Mumblyfish]

i didnt understand any of that whatsoever.
Sandy Brown'd for emphasis.

Que?

[Clothing_Option]

i didnt understand any of that whatsoever.


and thank god you didnt
your not going to get that either
Tata

[Marx]

<[lljk]Marx> You suck.
<[lljk]rhoid> no u.
<[lljk]Sarpedon> no u.
<[lljk]peanut-commando> no u.
<[lljk]priapism> no you.
<[lljk]rofletehass> I sense a trend here..
<[lljk]jesus> Yeah, I sense it too. /insert 'no u.'
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> haha lollolololol
<[lljk]Marx> Like I said, you suck.
<[lljk]Sarpedon> Yeah, he does suck.
<[lljk]priapism> one point for the home team
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> more like gay team
<[lljk]Marx> OH SHIT SON< GANKSTA KLOWSN ALL UP IN THE HOUSE.
<[lljk]peanut-commando> dayum.
<[lljk]jesus> they're probably a bunch of pedophiles.
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> age don't matter if theres grass on the field
<[lljk]Marx> Have fun "gettin' it 'oyun' wit' ur" little sister.
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> i dont gott one
<[lljk]Marx> Oh, you buried her already?
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> u r sick
<[ICP]K1laKl0wN> fuk u guyz al sik in teh hed.
<[lljk]hemotomato> ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

[seraphian]

I liked this one:


<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK


And a simular one of my own. I was discussing cybersex (not HAVING cybersex) discussing how I thought it was a little pointless, when I clicked 'local' chat on by mistake...:



Seraphian: you know, I'd rather do the imagining myself and let someone else take care of my clit
Ruk: ?!?
Ka'nire: Um, Sera
Massic: You realize this is 'local' right?
Seraphian: FUCK
Seraphian: OMFG, DISREGARD... DISREGARD
Ka'Nire: I'm not sure I want to know...
Massic: ;-)
Seraphian: Oh shit... drop it guys.


Fortunately they were all real gentlemen about it and never mentioned it again... fortunately as well, none of them will probably read this.

I also accidentally posted a dirty joke on FA faction chat under simular circumstances:



Seraphian: So a little girl is at home, playing with a Barbie doll and a G.I Joe
Seraphian: Her mom asks her: "Why are you playing with G.I Joe, doesn't Barbie come with ken?"
Seraphian: The girl says "No, Barbie usually has to fake it with Ken, but she ALWAYS comes with G.I. Joe"
[TGR]Killer: Lol
Seraphian: Wait, you're not in my clan...
Seraphian: Shit, I just posted that to the whole damn FA didn't I
Caged Fire: Yup
Seraphian: Shit.

[40$Poser]

off another forum I visit, dunno if it's just me but I found it somewhat funny...


'Yo check dis. No'mally, to get to see a girl naked, you have to take her out to a three course dinna at KFC, buy her four Bicardi Breeza's, and tell her you luff her. Artists, has cleverly developed what is called a life drawing class, which let's you stare at a girl's punani for up to free hours without having to pay nothing! Yo, I is so excited I is already got a semi-lob on.'

[seraphian]

@ poser: From experiance most of the models for life drawing courses are 40-year-old men...

[40$Poser]

@ poser: From experiance most of the models for life drawing courses are 40-year-old men...

ya, I'm aware of that, tho I'm not the one who originally said that quote :x

[Spermy]

Ali G rocks, and so does life drawing, tis a method for old dirty men to be old and dirty, without anyone tagging on, clever bastards.

*shifty eyes*

[G.0.D.]

best irc quote...

[Nidhogg[Mod|IFW]] I'll pretend I didn't see the file 'Neocrackv3.exe' ; )