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View Full Version : [OT] Great... I got owned... by a SWAN



phunqe
22-07-04, 10:27
*takes a deep breath*

Well then, dear forum readers.
Here I am again to tell you a story (unfortunately). I would like to add a simple disclaimer stating that this time it wasn't my fault. Really :(

Ok, to the story.

You remember the girl from work right? The one I spilled coffee on?
Well, yesterday I called her up to see if she wanted to grab some air and go for a walk. There is a nice park, fairly close to where I live so I asked if she would meet me there.

She said ok.

Strolling down to the park I noticed the glorious weather, the birds singing, and other people in a generally good mood.
Well at the park, we met up and I asked if she wanted an ice cream. Surely she did and I therefore strafed over to the ice cream vendor.
"Two of those please", I stated (rather happy with my upcoming purchase at this time).

As we were walking and consuming the ice cream we talked about various things. Here you, dear reader, should note that we are by the water, in Stockholm we have a lot of water surrounding it. Therefore, this park was also by the water.
Right about when we had finished our ice creams, she exclaims "Look, there's a guy selling bird treats".
Smooth as I am, I immediately get the hint and once more strafe over to do a purchase.

With the bird treats (mostly bread and some seeds I believe) neatly divided between us, we headed closer to the water where there were some swans idling.

By this time, I was rather happy... I mean is this romantic or what. Feeding the birds (me = nice to animals), the sun is shining etc etc.

We both stretched our hand out with some treats and would you know, some swans started to walk to us.
Now, swans are pretty big birds. When they are in the water the don't look that big... but when they are up on dry land, walking, then they are pretty big creatures.

For some reason I got only 1 swan and she got like 2 or 3 swans immediately.
Well... would you actually blame them? I mean you are a swan right and you see this pretty girl and then... well me... so it would be quite obvious where you go first.

However, this preference among the swans had one catch. Now all her treats were finished and I still had left. So naturally, I quickly had all the 3-4 swans rallied up to my hand.

The first swan, which bravely visited me immediately in the beginning, was starting to look kinda full, so I gently moved my hand to the right, to accomodate the newly arrived swans.

Apparently, this was a mistake. The first swan now looked less than pleased if we say so... the swan went like o_O, I thought "wtf" and went o_O back.
Problem is, now the swan morphed into the bat swan from HELL!! (reference to ezzas avatar would be in order here).

The bat.. err excuse me.. swan grabbed my index finger with his beek to like "eyij, get back over here you". However, this was not a gentle manouver.
The swan more or less embedded his beek into my finger. Now, swans doesn't have teeths as we are used to, they have like a jigsaw bone \/\/\/\/ or something. It doesn't perforate the skin, but it sure gives a firm grip. Especially since swans are pretty strong.

So... this swan is getting more and more wound up and by now the other swans are getting excited as well. They might have though the first swan was getting some uber food, hence it's excitement.
Needless to say, I now have 3-4 swans quacking (or what the heck they do) and battering with their wings around me. All obviously try to get a grab of my finger, which the first swan prompty keeps a hold of.

Now what? I don't want to strangle the bird, so I thought maybe if I can get the bird's head under water it will release.

Now imagine me, with 3-4 swans quacking and making one hell of a noise around me, trying to get to the water. I think one swan was more or less in my hair at one point.
Finally (it seemed like an eternity) I reach the water and the swan suddenly released my finger, even before my attempt to get him under water.

If you would think the swan was angry before... well... it was now also "wtf you try to drown me? o_O". What I had to do now is run out of the water with 3 swans after me. Lucky me, they gave up after about 20 metres.
However, I believe the whole park had died from laughter by now anyway...

So I stand there, half my pants all wet. My shoes completely drenched and my hair look like a coocoo's nest.

Great.

-----

It was all fun however, and as I've said before I don't mind making people laugh at my expense... it just seems it all happens to me o_O

Morganth
22-07-04, 10:32
:lol: Thats some funny shit.

What did your lady friend think of it all?

Rob01m
22-07-04, 10:40
LOL

Only you could pull something like this off. :D :p :angel: ;)

How did she react?

phunqe
22-07-04, 10:42
It's all ok :)

What it boils down to is being yourself basic, no matter what.
I actually started to laugh hysterically.. so did she :p

:)

Scikar
22-07-04, 10:45
You've got it easy now. She'll want to be around all the time just to see what could possibly happen next. :)

Siygess
22-07-04, 10:48
You sir, are cursed.

n3m
22-07-04, 10:59
rofl

they should make a show about your life :lol:

LTA
22-07-04, 11:03
never underestimate a swan...

it's worse here cuz if people are around we can't fight back, they just savage you and you have to restrain cuz it's like the Queens animal or something and therefor you hitting it results with you in deep shizzle :(

My mates dog swam near a nest once big fat fcukin mistake let me tell you, this swan went past bat swan of hell.... it was like a reincartion of satan himself, it absoloutly battered the dog, luckly tho the dog got out the water and managed to carry on about it's business reletively unhurt (dunno how tbh) but Swan guarding nest = Death

Tratos
22-07-04, 11:05
rofl

they should make a show about your life :lol:That indeed would be an excellent show, lol :lol: :lol:

Really Funny Story :lol:


never underestimate a swan...

it's worse here cuz if people are around we can't fight back, they just savage you and you have to restrain cuz it's like the Queens animal or something and therefor you hitting it results with you in deep shizzle :(

My mates dog swam near a nest once big fat fcukin mistake let me tell you, this swan went past bat swan of hell.... it was like a reincartion of satan himself, it absoloutly battered the dog, luckly tho the dog got out the water and managed to carry on about it's business reletively unhurt (dunno how tbh) but Swan guarding nest = DeathYeah,

Swan Nest = Fort Knox, lol

And yeah if you harm a swan its like "omfg treason j00 pikey"

Really fucked up tbh.

cRazy2003
22-07-04, 11:11
ive been shit on by a swan before, just about as far as ive been in terms of getting viciously attacked by one, cute story though.

Houston
22-07-04, 11:55
Is this why you have that fucking bird in your avatar? O_o funny shit tho man :lol:

phunqe
22-07-04, 11:57
Is this why you have that fucking bird in your avatar? O_o funny shit tho man :lol:

I've had that for some time now... Haven't bothered to look for a decent one really. Besides, ostriches are really cool birds :p

bounty
22-07-04, 11:58
Kind of strange, but i have a deathly fear of ostriches, from a weird childhood experience at a drive around zoo. :/

phunqe
22-07-04, 12:01
Kind of strange, but i have a deathly fear of ostriches, from a weird childhood experience at a drive around zoo. :/

Well they are really strong.. and they can knock you out if you're not careful.
Probably peck out an eye or two on the process o_O

They are usually pretty calm though :) as long as you don't steal an egg or generally make them anxious.

MjukisDjur
22-07-04, 12:03
Swans are no joke, they can easily brake your arm if they hit you.

They are angry bastards imop

Guess the girlfriend wasn't that impressed with your performance :lol:

phunqe
22-07-04, 12:07
Guess the girlfriend wasn't that impressed with your performance :lol:

Damnit, I don't think strangling the swan wasn't really an option :p

I do believe I did the most morally (and politically) correct thing however :p

JPH
22-07-04, 12:08
Rofl

Good story man. One to tell the grandchildren (presuming it didn't damage a certain sacred area).
Sounds like a sketch from Mr Bean or something.

Kaden
22-07-04, 12:10
Some funny shit

I love you man :lol: :lol: :p

MjukisDjur
22-07-04, 12:13
Nah, girls seem to have problems with hurting animals even if they are evil and try to kill you.
Like the ford sport kah commercial, my girlfried freaked out when she saw it :D
(cats going on cars are one of the more evil things out there...)
http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/video/ford-cat.mpeg

Jeros82
22-07-04, 12:14
Next time I feel kind of sad i'll send you a PM so you can send me one of those funny story's :)

I don't know how you do it, but I think your Guardian Angel has left you :angel:

You story's really make me laugh all the time. :lol:

Rob01m
22-07-04, 12:22
You should have SMOOSHED him on the pavement and made his tiny brain pop. To finish it off you could have done a SEX emote over him and said "I pWn J00 n00b, k3ep iN LE hrhr" :p

I'm tired, can't you tell. :o

Razielo
22-07-04, 12:44
roflol.. ur lucky they didnt hurt you, i read in the newspaper once of swans killing dogs n other animals :P

Jeros82
22-07-04, 12:49
Nah, girls seem to have problems with hurting animals even if they are evil and try to kill you.
Like the ford sport kah commercial, my girlfried freaked out when she saw it :D
(cats going on cars are one of the more evil things out there...)
http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/video/ford-cat.mpeg

Wonderfull :D

landofcake
22-07-04, 12:55
oh man ... i visited a swannery once, and we watched someone checking one of the swans eggs. I've never seen a swan so mad in my life, these things have a HUGE wingspan, and i've been informed they can happily beat a man to death with those wings :eek:

Anyways, you'll be in serious trouble in the UK if you kill one, they're protected by law.

Morganth
22-07-04, 13:30
I was kayaking down a river with a group, and we passed a swans nest. They looked as if they were asleep, but when I went past the male decided to charge at me across the water. So the instructer paddled up behind it and beat it over the head with his paddles 8| :eek: :p :lol:

Rob01m
22-07-04, 13:32
I was kayaking down a river with a group, and we passed a swans nest. They looked as if they were asleep, but when I went past the male decided to charge at me across the water. So the instructer paddled up behind it and beat it over the head with his paddles 8| :eek: :p :lol:

Makes you wonder why "gentle" and "swan" seem to go together in sentences, doesn't it. :p

Mantiz
22-07-04, 13:35
LMAO, good story man :)

Those birds can go a bit berserk sometimes when you get too close to their babies too... (hint) :)

Morganth
22-07-04, 13:35
Makes you wonder why "gentle" and "swan" seem to go together in sentences, doesn't it. :p

Yeah. They may be beautiful, they may be graceful, they may be considered as a protected species. But its bloody hard to not piss a swan off. And you can't break their necks because its mainly cartalidge (sp?) and very flexible. Bastards.

EDIT: W00T! 500 posts!

Sakletare
22-07-04, 13:59
LMAO, good story man :)

Those birds can go a bit berserk sometimes when you get too close to their babies too... (hint) :)
Yeah... when swans have new babies = don't get that boat to close if you treasure your life, they will attack anything including a big boat full of stupid humans.

Food can be a bit touchy too as this story shows. ;)

Lexxuk
22-07-04, 14:08
So where are you taking her on ur next date? I recommend the Zoo, and near the bears would really make a funny story "so there we were near this bear and the thing..." :lol: :lol:

[TgR]KILLER
22-07-04, 14:09
lol funny shit again. this forum is like your diary ? :wtf: cool whit me tho :p i like the laugh lol..

anyway. what happend to the girl ? she was just laughing her ass off while the swan was eating you ? lol

phunqe
22-07-04, 14:18
Since people obviously enjoy reading my stuff, I don't mind :p
Might give a break between the "serious" threads...

Well on the outside I think things went pretty quick...
There's always a lag before you actually grasp what the hell is going on :p

Also, I am pretty robust and this coupled with my various exorcising exclamations might have tipped her off that I'm doing ok :p

ZoraN
22-07-04, 16:06
Swans are hell spwaned creatures! I have some seriously bad experience with those when I was a lil punk kid( still have nightmares :rolleyes: ) anyways. What ever you do DONT feed them if you own a cottage wich there are swans around, cus if the food aint ready when they return.. and trust me they WILL return, they will be eating from YOU :lol:

J. Folsom
22-07-04, 16:18
This thread contains a wise lesson, it is that swans are quite frequently jealous sons and daughters of other swans. :p

I've had a similar experience before with swans as a matter of fact, it's best not to give them food out of your hand, but instead sperse it around a bit on the ground, this way they fight for it amongst themselves, as opposed to fighting you for it. ;)
But I prefer feeding ducks, they're less aggresive, and less freaking huge. :p

EDIT: As with your last post, a great read. I agree with those people who say an adaptation of your life to a movie would make for a great comedy.

phunqe
22-07-04, 16:21
I will be very sure that I spec myself next time.

Swan attack +200

o_O

EDIT: Wouldn't be surprised if they go for a hybrid attack then the bastards... like crapping from the air or throwing small dogs and/or other smaller passing by objects o_O

FirestarXL
22-07-04, 16:35
Phunqe you are a walking (when you can walk) disaster area. Please keep it up, and keep reporting back. :D

Yours are one of the few threads I still read here, and makes a nice change from ignoring "Clan X OMG" and "Nerf the somethings" threads.

phunqe
22-07-04, 16:39
http://newton-i.usefilm.com/1/9/2/3/1923/492410-small.jpg > http://www.neocroncentral.net/images/gallery/albums/miscellaneous/dragonfly.thumb.jpg

Organics
22-07-04, 16:45
LOL

That must be some fearsome swanage then :p Hehe.

n3m
22-07-04, 16:48
http://newton-i.usefilm.com/1/9/2/3/1923/492410-small.jpg > http://www.neocroncentral.net/images/gallery/albums/miscellaneous/dragonfly.thumb.jpg > gah stupid forum, insert phunqe's avatar here :|

:lol:

ezza
22-07-04, 17:51
ya i got owned by a swan once....when i was 6.

damn thing could smell the bread on me.

its was for the geese not you damn swan :mad:

Lexxuk
22-07-04, 17:58
http://newton-i.usefilm.com/1/9/2/3/1923/492410-small.jpg

that swan looks bloody evil, the sort of swan you tell kids about to scare the life out of them, think I'll stick with avoiding wildlife >.<

Mantiz
22-07-04, 19:00
"Here here, come sit in uncle Phunge's lap..."

http://soludden.nu/bild/birds/svan.jpg

Dim
22-07-04, 20:02
Keep going out of the house plz :D :D :lol: :lol: :D :D

Q`alooaith
22-07-04, 20:21
I'd not recomend you going back to that park again with food, at least not for a while..


Goat's are another one to watch out for, trust me on this.

Ryuben
22-07-04, 20:35
my worst exp with animals was with a horse...

feeding orse oats.....fried lobs her shawl over my side.........green patch lands over my left nipple, horse thinks green = grass.

Left nipple = chomped. made me jump :( as i wasn't watching then looked down and had a horse trying to chew my nipple off 8|

-REMUS-
22-07-04, 20:42
I was a little bastard when i was younger, I kept harassing the swans and getting them to chase me when we went out for a family outing. This old lady kept coming out with bread to stop them chaseing me, apparently they can break your arm with their neck or somthing or maybe thats their wing?

Either way loves true path never did run straight! I'm sure you will get in her panties soon enough phunque :D

Doc Holliday
22-07-04, 20:43
hahaha. nice story man. well told too. u should write comedy dude. ;)

Cerbious
22-07-04, 23:36
the swan story was ace but i also enjoyed the ad for ford with the cat :D

Lexxuk
22-07-04, 23:42
Judging by the run of luck that phunque's been havin with this girl, she'll either be with someone, married, or a lesbian, or all 3 at the same time, then he'll get abducted by aliens or something hehehe :angel:

{MD}GeistDamnit
22-07-04, 23:46
You sir, are cursed.

no way, he is lucky as hell. I bet he ends up making that woman his girlfriend soon if she isn't allready.

good luck m8 :)

Xirus
23-07-04, 01:25
I love the story its so funny :D

http://en.wikipedia.org/upload/b/b6/Mute.swan.slimb.750pix.jpg

Uber Swan Phear him :D

Agent L
23-07-04, 11:26
Yeah, great story.
BTW I can't imagine how evil ppl can be to sell others swan treats and ecourage them to feed those birds. When I was a kid, everybody was like "kids, beware of swans" and when someone was feeding them it was done from safe height of few meters from teh bridge...

Praetorian
26-07-04, 12:53
Phunqe... I concur with Katherine Mayer... You are cursed! Reminds me of that movie where the teenagers get off the plane that explodes, but somehow they all die in horrible and very very unlikely ways... Only your jinxed instead... 8|

Ryuben
26-07-04, 12:57
Phunqe... I concur with Katherine Mayer... You are cursed! Reminds me of that movie where the teenagers get off the plane that explodes, but somehow they all die in horrible and very very unlikely ways... Only your jinxed instead... 8|
final destination

;)

and btw hows ur finger :P

phunqe
26-07-04, 13:19
My finger is good thank you.
I thank the 20 years of piano playing for strong muscles in my hand and fingers :p (eat that swan spawn of satan)